[Jannaya]

Okay, this is my first post here. I hope someone here may have experienced this and can be of some help.
My boyfriend (42) and I (39) have been seeing each other for about 3 months. We have great sex. He regularly tells me it's the best he can remember. It's amazing for me too. (I think we're just a really good match sexually.) It's full of fire works and variety but our problem is that he never reaches ejaculation.

When I met him he had been out of a 4 year relationship for a few months. He says that toward the end of their relationship, he couldn't ejaculate with her either (although he previously could). He says he thought it was because they had been together for a long time and things were winding down.

He has no problem ejaculating when he is masturbating alone. He can even ejaculate when we mutually masterbate. But we can go quick or for hours and he can be very, very close to climax and not be able to finish. He says he thinks about how great it's going to be and how it's going to feel and then "loses it". I have encouraged him to see a doctor but he says he doesn't know how to "bring it up with his doc" and thinks the problem will eventually fix itself. He also says it's no big deal and he is still having the best sex of his life regardless.

I do not believe he has any sort of physical problem - otherwise he wouldn't be able to ejaculate during masturbation either. His last physical for his job was only a few months ago and he was deemed healthy.

[Nestorian]

I'm not a doctor, but I used to have the same problem, and I was 22. The relation ship was dry, and my ex was, well not very into it lets say. Then she left. I started to see another girl who just turned my crack if you know what I mean. I still had trtoubles but it eventually cleared up. How is the key. I used to feel inadequate, since my ex left me for some one else, so what I kept doing was worring about how I would be. Then I was doing great, the girls all gave me all I needed. I felt confident and then rather than concern myself with how it would feel, I'd do new and exciting things to FEEl the experience with out thought. It just became second nature to me. I guess you could say I got intouch with my primal urge to mate, but also allowed myself to feel it. So maybe try that?

Best wishes.

[TexasParent]

Tell him to lay off the masturbation for a month or two. I had similar problems in many new relationships and it was because the pressure/friction I used in masturbation couldn't be matched during intercourse. Over time masturbation changes your sensitivity, in some cases it took longer than a few months for me. Part of it was psychological too as I had my masturbation down to an art, but with a partner (before I stopped masturbating for while) the rythym, friction, and other distractions however pleasant made it more difficult.

Once I stopped masturbating my sensitivity returned to a state where I could ejaculate during intercourse.

[Fr_Chuck]

Often if they are masterbating too much they get used that certain feel, the control and pressure. And have trouble with normal sexual activity

[Jannaya]

I think you guys have some good points. I did suggest to him that he stop masturbating for a while and he told me he did for a couple days and then said it was no use because it didn't work. I hadn't considered that he may need to stop for a couple of months! I'm going to suggest this carefully. I don't know what it is but he seems to be really serious about masturbating - like it's "special" or something.

[TexasParent]

I think you guys have some good points. I did suggest to him that he stop masturbating for a while and he told me he did for a couple days and then said it was no use because it didn't work. I hadn't considered that he may need to stop for a couple of months! I'm going to suggest this carefully. I don't know what it is but he seems to be really serious about masturbating - like it's "special" or something.

Well a week or two at the very least a couple of days does not work, or if he can not do a couple of weeks; tell him to change the pressure to light and use more lube. He has to reduce the frequency too. If it's that special to him, then I think that's where the problem lies.

I too love masturbation and my partner and myself masturbate more together as part of our lovemaking than I do ejaculating during intercourse. I say he can get sensitive enough if he goes light pressure for a couple of weeks or so and he always has to use lube. If that doesn't work, then he will have to go without for a while. And if he's going crazy, tell him the only place he can orgasm is inside you; sometimes that kind of motivation will be enough to put him over the edge... ;)

P.S. Even light pressure is likely more than he will feel from you. The idea of course is for him to reduce frequency as much as possible. I'll bet if he could go one honest week without and then try with you, I bet he gets close and then he will be convinced that he's on the right track.

[Nestorian]

Tex, you are deffinately on the right track with that kind of thinking. Very good point.

If you ever get the chance Jannaya, read a book called "the brain that changes itself" read especaily chapter 4 I think, it's about Love and acquired tastes. It talks about how people, but mostly men, get hooked on porn. Doesn't sound like it applies to master bating, but that's what it's about, and even if he isn't watching porn he is reinforcing the idea that he can't be pleased by women when he knows how to please himself better. Or at least it takes more work. You just have to show him that it's not true, he won't even beaware of it though, so just try to get him ot hold off for a bit and then ask him what his most wild sexual fantacy is and stick it too him if you are into it. I think that will pull his attention back to you. Worked for me. ;)

[Jannaya]

I really appreciate all the advice. I'm going to try and talk to him about it this weekend. I have to be careful how I say I came up with these "ideas" because it will freak him out to know I asked for help in a chat forum! Thanks again.

[Choux]

Texas Parent has some *excellent* points.

At age 42, your boyfriend may prefer masturbation to intercourse and not want to admit it to you. You may want to accept him the way he is since he is not willing to let go of masturbation for a long enough period to get normal feelings back when he is stroking in the vagina.

I read an interesting article about sex and aging last week. It talked about how men begin their sexual decline at 40... there were a couple of important points to note, if a man is in excellent physical condition, that extends the beginning of sexual decline back a few years, or so. I will try to find that article... it was very interesting, and I may use it here again in the future.

Frankly, I think you should drop the subject if you are interested in continuing the relationship.

Good Luck, :)

PS Don't take his inability to ejaculate during intercourse *personally*... I think that is your hang-up here. It does not exemplify the strength of his like of you, or dislike. Don't pick at him... be straightforward with your *feelings*, or lack of them.

[Jannaya]

Thanks Choux.
I appreciate the advice and I would love to read that article if you can locate it.

I have been trying to accept the idea that he may never ejaculate in me. It's a little difficult to accept. There's something about that explosion that is so satisfying to me and I'm sure it would be to him. I do want to continue the relationship so I suppose I will keep on trying to let go of the issue. I really don't talk with him about it much unless he brings it up. He brings it up almost every time we have sex. He'll say things like "okay if you can just hold that position EXACTLY like that for the next few minutes then I am going to do it!" Well - that puts a lot of friggin pressure on me and if I move a centimeter it's over. I just don't understand it. He has told me since day one that my vagina "fits his penis like a glove". He continues to marvel at this. It's just frustrating and honestly I do take it a little personal because I feel like if I could just do the right move or hold the right move long enough... He also made a comment recently (in jest) that I probably get more satisfaction out of our sex than he does. He's referring to the fact that with age I have actually gotten better and better at achieving orgasms. So I usually have at least 2 during each session. Well that comment - joking or not - made me feel like crap. It just reinforced my idea that I can't please him enough.

Thanks for listening to me vent! I appreciate all the advice.

[Choux]

That's rough on you... and not that pleasant. Your details show the whole picture.

I'll get back to you when I find the article... I'm not that good at the Internet, but hope to find it later this afternoon.

See you soon,

[TexasParent]

Thanks Choux.
I appreciate the advice and I would love to read that article if you can locate it.

I have been trying to accept the idea that he may never ejaculate in me. It's a little difficult to accept. There's something about that explosion that is so satisfying to me and I'm sure it would be to him. I do want to continue the relationship so I suppose I will keep on trying to let go of the issue. I really don't talk with him about it much unless he brings it up. He brings it up almost every time we have sex. He'll say things like "okay if you can just hold that position EXACTLY like that for the next few minutes then I am going to do it!" Well - that puts a lot of friggin pressure on me and if I move a centimeter it's over. I just don't understand it. He has told me since day one that my vagina "fits his penis like a glove". He continues to marvel at this. It's just frustrating and honestly I do take it a little personal because I feel like if I could just do the right move or hold the right move long enough..... He also made a comment recently (in jest) that I probably get more satisfaction out of our sex than he does. He's referring to the fact that with age I have actually gotten better and better at acheiving orgasms. So I usually have at least 2 during each session. Well that comment - joking or not - made me feel like crap. It just reinforced my idea that I can't please him enough.

Thanks for listening to me vent!! I appreciate all the advice.

I remember telling my current wife the same thing when we were courting... "Don't move I think I can ". She hated it because she wanted to be involved in 'working' me to orgasm and felt like a sex toy by just lying there.

Just so you know, both my wife and I love masturbation and we both know that means rare ejaculation during intercourse; but I want to tell you that despite the fact that I like to control my own ejaculation it is 10 times more intense when orgasming inside a woman; it involves the whole body and it's incredible. It's also a lot of work for someone like myself and your partner who don't easily because of masturbation. Masturbation is the lazy way and a habit which works for my wife and I when we have limited time, etc.

Again I would encourage him to try and manage his masturbation frequency so that every so often you he can orgasm during intercourse, but as you've said you may have to accept it won't happen all the time. I think that's realistic so long as your partner works towards helping you too by trying to change too.

[smoothy]

If he has been having issues at only 42 he should see first his doctor and find out if he has medical issues and if none are found to seek therapy. This is not a normal condition. Only three months into a relationship he would normally have issues of popping off too quick out of excitement, not having issues getting off at all.

[TexasParent]

If he has been having issues at only 42 he should see first his doctor and find out if he has medical issues and if none are found to seek therapy. This is not a normal condition. Only three months into a relationship he would normally have issues of popping off too quick out of excitement, not having issues getting off at all.

I'm not going to give you a reddy, but I don't think you read the thread and the OP and poster answers throughout well enough. In my opinion your answer is out of context to this discussion.

[smoothy]

I'm not going to give you a reddy, but I don't think you read the thread and the OP and poster answers throughout well enough. In my opinion your answer is out of context to this discussion.

Exactly why... In the 40's a lot of medical issues turn up and too many people aren't checked regularly until its too late. Prostrate, heart etc... Spanking the monkey is far less taxing on the body than full on sex is. There can very well be a problem there.

And if there is nothing wrong there then he will most definitely have a psycological issue that needs a therapist to take care of. Its just not normal for a guy to experience this sort of issue. And I'm a guy who is older than he is.

[Miniie]

I also have this problem with my boyfriend, and I also appreciate all the advice!

[Choux]

Jann, I wasn't able to find the article I read recently and referred to in my first answer here. I did find articles about sex and men over 40... they referred to male hormones for the most part.

Best wishes,

[flwruop]

Maybe he's just nervous when he's about to climax. But the sensitivity thing sounds like it could be too.