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nasra · Jul 17, 2006, 06:39 AM

Hi Guys,

Why is it that people think that if you are married you must be pregnant. And if you have been married a few years you should have a couple of kids as well? When I got married, and in a few weeks people were asking if I was expecting. They soon gave up after a year though. If you haven't got children and have been married a while you find people treating you different as if you have the plague and its catching. Not all people can have children, or some people may choose not to have children, I don't know but in the society or world we live in if you have children its normal and people give you a status. If not its as if it's the women's fault. Nobody seems to think it's the mans fault?

Krs · Jul 17, 2006, 06:43 AM

I have been married for 2 years, people ask me that question.. I don't have kids either, and ill have them when me and my hubby are ready!

Let these ignorant people think what they want to think, as they have nothing else better to do in life, such as gossip and ask questions cause they are curious and can't mind their own business!

Its noone's fault.

nymphetamine · Jul 17, 2006, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by nasra

Hi Guys,

Why is it that people think that if you are married you must be pregnant. And if you have been married a few years you should have a couple of kids as well? When I got married, and in a few weeks people were asking if I was expecting. They soon gave up after a year though. If you haven't got children and have been married a while you find people treating you different as if you have the plague and its catching. Not all people can have children, or some people may choose not to have children, I don't know but in the society or world we live in if you have children its normal and people give you a status. If not its as if its the womens fault. Nobody seems to think its the mans fault?

I have to assume it stems back from the cave man days.

aqua@home · Jul 17, 2006, 01:17 PM

I think a lot of people just expect it to be the next step. I don't think you should take offence to it, it's just something people say without really thinking it through. It's like asking if someone's lost weight or got their hair cut. The person being asked could be completely insulted like something was wrong with their hair or weight therefore it needed changing. I think with questions like this, they aren't really thought about before they're asked.

I would just disregard the question if it was bothersome and get on with things. Although I am sure that it can very annoying. You could reply with something like "you'll be the 20th to know, right after I've told the first 19" or whatever.

Hoping4aBFP · Jul 17, 2006, 03:24 PM

I've been married for 9 months and I have no children and I'm not expecting right now, although we are trying and I would love to be expecting. But I think it is that people do expect it to be the next step. I was bet on at my own wedding by my maid of honor and a bridesmaid. I found out later, but I was not upset. It's just that my husband and I have been together for over 5 years and now we're married so it must be that time. The bridesmaid bet that I would be pregnant within 6 months and my maid of honor bet that I would be pregnant within the first year. Well, the bridesmaid lost and my maid of honor is about to lose here in a couple months. Unless, of course a miracle happens. :) People don't think about whether you can have children or if you even want children. They just think oh you're married now, so you MUST want "the next step". Just go at your own pace. Or tell them to mind their own...

valinors_sorrow · Jul 17, 2006, 03:48 PM

Being happily married and childless is rare enough in the US for it to stick out uncomfortably. I can tell you I have met very few women in my lifetime who have also not had children. Like you, I was amazed at some of the attitude I encountered. My friends who married and had children immediately were some of the worst too. And in one circumstance I learned a rumor was circulated that I am really lesbian, LOL. It can be awful. I was often asked why by people who had no business asking and I usually politely said it's a long answer and left it at that. My close friends knew why and the rest is none of their beeswax. :p

Now I am of the age that when my friends pull out their photos of grandchildren, I pull out mine of our precious dog and adorable cats.
It makes for some faces but I do it anyway. :eek: Shrugs.

aqua@home · Jul 17, 2006, 03:56 PM

I thought of something else to add.

I don't think there is an ideal or perfect really. In your situation you seem to be a little sensitive to the particular situation of being married and being childless. For everyone it is different. You should see the people in our neighbor hood who think we are freaks because we have 5 children and I actually stay at home with them. For everyone it is different and there is resistance in all situations.

I think that if people can't be supportive, they really shouldn't say anything at all. I hope that might make you feel better. Take care and enjoy the decisions you have made and be happy with yourself. I know I am trying.

*Coming to this group has been a great support to me... thank you.

PS... I know what it's like to struggle to have a baby so I am more sensitive to others and realize there may be problems, so I usually don't ask unless they are a close friend.

orange · Jul 17, 2006, 04:45 PM

I think it's one of a series of annoying but apparently socially acceptable questions that are asked at different life transition points, such as:

What are you going to be when you grow up?
What are you going to do now that you've graduated from high school?
What are you taking in college? What kind of a career can you have with that degree?
What are you going to do now that you've graduated from college?
When are you getting married?
When are you having a child?
Are you going to try for another child or are you finished?
How are you going to spend your retirement?
Etc, etc...

Many people in western society still expect that a "normal" person will get as much schooling as they can, get a job, get married and have a family, preferably in that order. Anyone who doesn't fit the mold is considered a bit off. I am married with kids, but I had planned on never getting married and never having a child (doctors had told me I couldn't get pregnant). I also gave up going to medical school in order to pursue art and writing. People tended to make a lot of questioning comments to me. I think any time someone is different in some way they experience some opposition.

My personal view is that it's no one's business if you plan to have children or not, and asking about children, unless you know the person quite well, is a bit rude. Most people don't get married for the sole purpose of having children anymore, and as you mentioned, some people can't even have children. However, I wouldn't worry about the questions too much, as most people tend to ask questions like "when are you having kids?" the way they ask questions about the weather... it's usually simply a conversation starter.

I used to get upset by certain questions a lot.. one of the ones I hated particularly was "what do your parents do?", since my parents are both deceased. A therapist I was seeing at the time suggested that I have a simple, plausible answer to each question, pre-rehearsed, and that way I would not be taken off guard every time someone asked a question that bothered me. It really worked well.

nasra · Jul 17, 2006, 05:48 PM

Well thanks everybody, I needed that booster. But my marriage is not going to well and I am considering a divorce. But people that don't know this at the moment go on too much about pregnancy and children which is lovely and I guess as most of you have said it's a natural thing to ask someone. So I will try to be less sensitive on that issue and move on with my life thanks everyone.:) :)

Krs · Jul 18, 2006, 12:16 AM

If you need more help we are all here to help you nasra :)

Myth · Jul 18, 2006, 11:52 AM

You can always reply with " when they're going to pay all the bills for you". Lol... I actually used that one once and I really didn't get asked anymore after that. As it is I now have to put up with the when are you going to have them... like I have any control there... and the dang your huge... well duh there's two. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it isn't one thing it's another, and that people can be idiots sometimes... lol.. I know I can be from time to time.

tonikuhar · Jul 18, 2006, 05:43 PM

If it makes you feel any better people think we are not normal because we have "too many" kids. We have been married only 4 years and have 4 kids(we had one before we got married) and people always ask us "are you done yet?" . People just like to complain I think. They'll never be happy!

valinors_sorrow · Jul 18, 2006, 06:27 PM

I am sorry to hear about the condition of your marriage Nasra. Certainly questions about children at a time like that will seem particularly unkind, but you are right in that its just the question twanging a sore spot. Please consider all options concerning your marriage -- that way if it must end it, might end with less resentment, more learning and understanding and be better for you in the long run.

Chery · Jul 23, 2006, 04:54 AM

This solution might sound too simple.. but since we can't please everybody... let's just try to please ourselves and those we love and live with.

There will always be those that are so bored with their own lives that they have time to waste getting into other people's business.

We, at AHMD do not waste our time - we try to help each other cope through our experience and hope you will gain from it.

Lots of Luck

Chery · Jul 23, 2006, 04:58 AM

I would just disregard the question if it was bothersome and get on with things. Although I am sure that it can very annoying. You could reply with something like "you'll be the 20th to know, right after I've told the first 19" or whatever. __________________

Aqua.. I just loved this one!

Cassie · Jul 23, 2006, 05:46 AM

People really mean nothing by that question. Where you are thinking along the lines of divorce, makes you more sensitive to the question. I think more couples are not having children or waiting to have children these days. But it is still a question that will pop up for another generation. Then it might be, are you having another child?!

Cassie · Jul 23, 2006, 05:48 AM

Originally Posted by aqua@home

I think a lot of people just expect it to be the next step. I don't think you should take offence to it, it's just something people say without really thinking it through. It's like asking if someone's lost weight or got their hair cut. The person being asked could be completely insulted like something was wrong with their hair or weight therefore it needed changing. I think with questions like this, they aren't really thought about before they're asked.

I would just disregard the question if it was bothersome and get on with things. Although I am sure that it can very annoying. You could reply with something like "you'll be the 20th to know, right after I've told the first 19" or whatever.

Got to spread it, great answer