[Krs]

When you say used to have heart to heart talks, how long ago was that? What new has happened to her since then?

It looks to me that you are a very family orientated women, I'm not say its bad, is your family all like that?
Coz it could be maybe since your daughter had her first child she assumes her family are now her husband, kids and her immediate family only.

Why do you think she would be upset if you sold your house and moved to a new community?

I don't think you are expecting too much, but we have only heard your side of the story.

She shouldn't be struggling for her independence she should be independent by now.

Why was it stressful when she had her first child? Im not a mum but I can just imagine that it would be in itself a stressful time.

[talaniman]

I am still unsure as to what you mean but I'm no stranger to your situation. When my own daughter started with the husband, babies, job she was a stranger to herself as she tried to balance all the new things in her life. We always worry about our children no matter the age and want to help, and believe me I still worry even when there is nothing to worry about. Just consider that she is finding her way the same as we had to do back in the day. She has to make decisions based on what's in front of her and for her own family and I'm sure you remember what that is like and its not always going to be smooth or pretty. It takes a lot of patience to see your child growing up and being independent so I can only tell you that keeping quiet is going to be hard but you must let her find her way in her own time. Concentrate more on being really nice and getting your grand kids as much as possible as this will help bridge the gap between you and give her a much needed break. Whether you like her husband or not (I have a good son-in-law) you need to accept and get along with him and get to know him and he know you. Knowing his parents would help to. Don't run them off with a negative attitude but embrace her with a loving patience and don't judge her she's still young and coping so help if you can and back-off when you see the tension rising. After all you raised them so now you have to accept them and be there for them. Have a little faith and let her have the space she needs to continue growing and spend sometime with the grand kids, you'll love watching them grow. As I speak (write?) I'm waiting for mine to wake up and fill this house with the chaos as only they can .I love every minute even though I will be exhausted by the end of the day. So concentrate on the positive and deal with the negative and never stop loving your daughter. I hope I've helped good luck!

[fed up]

When my daughter met her husband it became quite obvious to us that he wasn't as close to his family as she was to hers. He prefers to live as far away from his family and only have a once a year visit. I think that he feels that my daughter should feel the same as he does about family. He and I went out shopping together just the other day, as they are visiting for a short time. He blurted out that she doesn't miss the country and has settled in nicely in their new country. I didn't say a word. I find the less said the better. I know his expectations of her are very high. I just hope she can deliver. I don't dislike my son-in-law. I question his motives silently. Her brother and sister won't even get in touch with them as it is always one sided. She will have to find her own way. The door will always be open should she choose to use it. Enough said. Thank you all.

[Cassie]

It is hard when your children grow up and leave the nest. It is not unusual for one of them to meet and marry another that has different views on families. It is not unusual for one to be jealous of the others family. I hear these issues all of the time. You are responsible for how you act and all you can do is love her, enjoy her when she visists. Don't put pressure on her or make her feel smothered. She may be feeling it from her husband and she will only notice that you are doing it. I think it is wonderful she comes for 4
Weeks a year. I was always there for my parents, but my siblings went different ways. When my sis would visit, her husband was pulling one way and my mom another. She would become quite unpleasant at times. It was just trying to please each she was not pleasing anyone. Your daughter may sound selfish right now, but she is changing. I always tell my children to relax if they do not have time to visit me, do not stress, I totally understand, when you have children there is so much to do and so little time. I have been there. For a few short years I did not see them a lot. I made it a point to call them often for a short visit and make it to my granchildrens functions (Not all, but enough). Now, they come more and more often, my grandchildren love to stay with me because I put no pressure on them at all. I put no pressure on my children. I have one son in law that stays because it is so peaceful. Just give her time, stay calm and loving. Go and stay with her when your new grandchild comes if she wants you to. You will never have that chance again. Do not be stubborn, you say she was not raised that way, well, do not act like she is acting. Act the way you raised her to act. It will only be stressful if you allow it to be stressful. If you are calm, relaxed and loving and are only there to help her, not there for her to make you happy. You will be amazed at how well it will work out.

I would suggest your family not discuss their shortcomings. You are the mom, you need to put a stop to it by saying some positive statements about her and her husband. They have to care, they do come for 4 weeks. What if they do want to do things while they are there, that is healthy. Often times when we dwell on the negative so much, the positive gets lost and there is always positive actions if you look for them. Try, it is a perfect time while they are there.

Your son in law telling you your daughter loves where she is living is not bad, would it be too difficult for you to say. I am so glad, I do want her to be happy. Thank you. Or do you really not want her to be happy because she is not living next to you? Think of the reasons you are feeling this way, and try not to put it all on her. Someone can only make you feel bad if you allow them to.
Good luck I wish for the best.

[fed up]

Fed up has run into a new issue. Youngest daughter is ticked with oldest daughter and will not invite oldest daughter to a function that she wants her father and I to attend. I have decided to take the only way I can possibly take. Not to attend, and have advised her to sit down and discuss the issues that she has with her sister. I am sick and tired of the whole situation. I am ready to sell the house and pack up and move so far away that no one will be interested in coming to see us. I feel that I have taken the only approach to this particular situation. I have refused to become involved. They are adults and its is their choices. Not my problem.

[J_9]

However if you refuse to attend your other daughter's function, you are giving her ammunition to treat you like the other daughter does. In essence you are fueling the fire that the first daughter started.

You should try to support the daughter who is closest to you by attending the function after discussing with her both of your thoughts and feelings.

The other daughter will come back to you in time. It may take a hardship or crisis, but at that point in time she will be very regretful of the way she treated her family.

They are both your daughters, you need to try and support their decisions no matter how hard it is for you or how much you disagree.

[Cassie]

Why is your daughter so angry with your other daughter? What is the function? It sounds as though there is a lot of anger going on around there. Does your daughter that lives in another country know all of this is going on around her? Does she feel the anger vibes, is that why they are not around much?
Try sitting back and taking a few deep breaths and let go. You even sound so intense you are about to explode. Write some of the things she actually does, maybe that will help you. One time you said they spend more time with his family than hers, but then you said he is not close to his family. Maybe his family puts no expectations on them, so they hang there. Is there any jealousy going on?

[fed up]

The function that is being held is a birthday dinner for my husband and myself. If my youngest daughter wants to exclude my oldest daughter that is her choice, however I feel that the whole evening will be ruined with my feelings of guilt for leaving my grown daughter and my grandson whom I only see once a year alone to fend for themselves. I think that my youngest daughter and son need to have a night with their sister. Try to resolve their differences between them. I have told them on more than one occasion that once we are gone they really only have one another. My husband agrees with me that we should not exclude our oldest daughter and leave her here on her own. I know how bitter the siblings are about their sister living so far away and not having the opportunity to get to know their nephew and soon to be new baby. They are used to tight family ties where we are often together. We will not attend the dinner with no regrets at someone else's expense. As for our son-in-law he tolerates his mother in order to be with his father. He is extremely compentative and has to excel at and be better than anyone in his family. I can't begin to imagine the pressure that he must be placing on himself. I hope that as he grows he realizes that it was totally unnecessary. He is a brilliant man in his own field. Florida is lucky to have him. I will get to spend 3 wonderful days with my daughter and her son as her husband will be travelling on his own for a while. I am so looking forward to this. I think that my youngest daughter is very angry and is not thinking too clearly as to exclude her sister from the dinner. I would not want to be the one who is on the receiving end of that. I live by the motto to load your brain before you shoot off your mouth. Sometimes it works other times it doesn't.

[Cassie]

So what you are saying is that your younger daughter and other children are angry at your other daughter because she moved far away? That is what all of this is about? It sounds as though your son in law does quite well in his career, is that also correct?

[fed up]

Yes Cassie the family has had a hard time with her leaving the country and not keeping in touch. If we don't initiate the contact she does not keep in touch with her siblings. Even her very aged grandmother doesn't hear from her. My son-in-law is doing very well for himself. He is brilliant in his field and I must say that we are very proud of his achievements. He deserves everything that comes his way in his professional field. He has worked very hard to accomplish his degrees. With a lot of help from his family. Just don't forget the ones you have left behind. Being competitive can be a good thing if it isn't taken too far. Before you know it time has passed by and you have missed out on all too much before you realize it. Regrets can be many.

[Cassie]

As a mom to a mom, we both know how hard it is when our children get married. It opens up issues we did not have when they were alone. We have to share them with their spouse and their families and then they have their own children that takes more of their time. I wish I had a nickel for everyone of my friends and aquaintances that have felt their child left the nest and does not call often enough etc. It sounds as though there is a lot of drama going on there. Once something like this gets started, it feeds on the negativity around it. The positive point here is that she does come to visit for a month each year. That is quite a bit of time. Do your other children ever visit her? Do you think there is any jealousy going on from your other children? She moved to Florida, her husband is doing well. I do not know, as the best way to know what is happening is to observe the interactions of everyone. But if everyone is so upset at her for moving, she has got to feel it, even if they do not say anything. If they are telling her they are upset about her moving, that is very selfish on their part. When you get married, that is the person you are to put first. If his job takes him elsewhere, it is very reasonable for her to go with him, is there another option. Divorce him so she can live by her parents and siblings? Would they leave their spouses to live by her? If this is the beginning of the issue, it was started by their being totally selfish and unreasonable. As for her not keeping in touch, that could be because of the animosity she feels from everyone. It can also just be her life right now. It is not always the way it should be, but often times the first few years of a marriage, children often are busy and forget and are inconsiderate. That is on her. It sounds as though you have a nice family there,
She is the one that has no one in Florida.
This are something you might try. Remember now, deep breaths, calm now:) You say your phone conversations are fine, that is good, talk to her and tell her her grandmother would like to hear from her more often. As far as your other siblings, I would try some diplomacy with them. I would definitely tell the one daughter that is having the birthday party for you and your husband, it is rude not to invite the company that is staying with you. Whether it is your daughter or an outsider, you do not do that, you wait to have the party or you invite the guests that are staying with you. End of subject. There is no excuse for being blatantly rude. If she feels her sister is rude by not getting in touch with her more often and moving away, well that is on her sister. Just because we feel someone else is rude does not make us exempt from being rude. I would not be angry when I tell her, or jump on her for her feelings. I would just say it is too rude for me to leave them home alone, which is true.

It is going to take some doing to get this situation turned around, but I feel you can do it. You have taken the first step, you are listening to some opinions, because you really care about your family. Do not take sides, be positive, say positive things to them all. We all have to make mistakes and learn from them. My mother used to get so offended because she did not hear more from my siblings. Well, as time passed they started calling more and more. I would not hear from them often, I did not give it a thought, I was too busy to realize and when I would miss them, I would call. I would get a call from one of them late at night. I accepted it as the stages of life. My mother, I was always there for. But my personality is different from my siblings. Not meaning it was better, just in that area I was more thoughtful, and I was the youngest and they all knew I cared for her so they did not worry.
As I said before, do not by into the negativity. When one of them complains, pass it off. It only upsets you and they really need to loosen up and let go of all that anger. It is not good for anyone, you sound as though you are going to need a vacation after theirs.

I had a friend tell me she was going to visit her mom and sis and other son and daughter in law for Christmas. She and this daughter in law have a bit of a time. She said, my husband told me to chill this year as last year it got so bad my mother ended up in the hospital. I started laughing and she said no, one comment she made got so passed around and out of hand by the end of the week it was like a major war. She asked her son if he and his wife could visit without her mother coming just that night. Wow... it got so bad her mother had an anxiety attack and went to the hospital. My friend is a very thoughtful and caring person. Negativity grows like fungus. I wish you luck

[nanamarie64]

I myself have a grown daughter, she isn't away from home, but I am away from my mother and her and I have a great relaionship, it sound's like to me that her husband is a control freek, maybe that's the problem,she could be afraid to say anything to you about it.
I agree with the other one who said, you two go out away from everyone and you and your daughter have a private lunch or even go to the park for more privacy.
I hope this help's.