[mentis]

My bro recently cane his son for being mischievous, I was told that he pull down his pants in front of his peers.

The damage done is serious, very serious. He is just a 7 old, his bottom are all burises.

He regretted and are still very remoseful. This is the 2nd time he did it.
His wife wanted a divorce. He is in pain emotionally and need help!

I scolded him and he says he can't control his anger, and when the caning starts, he couldn't stop. He don't know why.
Does he need a shrink? BTW he is going for counselling and anger management workshop.
Is he mentally ill? Does medication help?

[CaptainForest]

From what you are saying, it sounds like this was not a “normal” spanking, but rather a spanking that well beyond a “normal” one.

If that is the case, this is child abuse, and he should be reported.

As you also said, this is the second time this has happened, not the first.

He needs help, and he needs to be kept away from the child until he is better.

He should not be allowed to be alone with the child.

He needs help.

I would report him to them authorities, or (if you can't bring yourself to do it even though you should), at least, get the child away from him and have him see a shrink and go from there.

[mentis]

He is generally a good father, does whatever it takes to make his 2 sons happy. Bring them for holidays, there was once that his sons wanted a particular snack in the middle of the night, he took an hour ride just to get it for him and another 1 hour back. (though I think it's crazy) He loves his wife deeply. I just don't understand why he did it, when he is such a loving father, even his wife ever commented that. I just don't understand. Can you enlighten me. Thanks

[jurplesman]

Hello Mentis, It seems to me that the father has an anger control problem. This could be due to a metabolic disorder called hypoglycemia. This may cause an overproduction of adrenaline, the flight/flight hormone that is difficult to control by mental means.

He can test himself with the Nutrition Behavior Inventory Test (NBI) . If he scores high he is likely to be hypoglycemic.

This can be confirmed with a proper four hour Medical Test for Hypoglycemia.

The non-drug treatment is going on a Hypoglycemic Diet.

He could also have an authoritarian streak in him. He could overcome this by studying our Self-Help Psychotherapy Course at our web site. He should especially concentrate on

What is Transactional Analysis? (TA).

Thus a combination of Nutritional Therapy and Psychotherapy can bring about a change in his behaviour if he is motivated to do so.

[CaptainForest]

I agree with you that the 1 hour drive was crazy…

Why does he do it?

I don't know. I am neither a psychiatrist nor have I met him personally.

People do things for different reasons.

But as I said before, he needs help, and the wife should make him get it or not allow him to be around the children if he doesn't.

[Fr_Chuck]

Sorrry, no he is not a good father, no matter what he buys, no matter what else he does, a man who would beats his son ( and now has does it twice) to a level his rear end is covered with bruises is in deep need to help from a metal health counselor and also needs to be punihsed by the police

His wife should keep this child away from this father until he has completed some deep mental health counselling. In addition he needs to be reported to child welfare.

Next the child needs to get mental health counseling, since most abused children turn out to latter abuse their children.

This is child abuse, not a "good father "

A spanking ( light and normal) can be a good thing for a child, beating them till they are covered in bruises is a dangerous man.
Pulling his pants down in front of his friends, is beyond that.

[JoeCanada76]

Yes, this man does need help. It seems that he is getting help. It is a process and it will not happen overnight. Depending on the situation some would say medication is needed but he has never been diagnosed with anything has he? Many families if sick of the abuse, physically and emotionally. The only thing to do is leave. Do people change yes they do, question is do you want to stay to see if he does or even go drastic and after he realised that he is losing everything maybe that will send a light to his dark behaviour and he will actually want to change instead of just apologizing all the time for repeat behaviour.

[pennybot]

What he did the other day, yesterday, last year for his son be-it buy his favourite snack is a weak justification for today’s abuse at best. All that says is he's a terrific manipulator.

He caned a 7 yr old. Not once. But twice. And he will do it again if it goes unnoticed.

No “yeah buts” This is the now. This is abuse. And the 7 year old is living with it today.

What you and the loved ones around your brother need to do to help put a stop to this is stop justifying his behaviour. Do not make exceptions. Do not accept excuses. His remorse means peanuts if he doesn't follow through by acting on stopping.

The basis of failure to anger manage is a breakdown in coping. Coping with life. Coping with people. Coping with problems. Once a person realises this, and it sounds like he has, he's on the path to solving it.

With that aside,
The main concern (or what should be) is the 7 year old.
What his 7 yr old son is going through something 10 times worse as a helpless child that is exposed to it and has little to no power over a full grown man with full grown problems. And throw the fact the man will get him his favourite snack is just painting a confusing connection to his father.
That's why most families will prefer to protect their attacker in domestic disputes. They develop a distorted sense of honor based on that kind of manipulation.

I just don't understand why he did it, when he is such a loving father, even his wife ever commented that

( ftr, something like this is said in defense in most domestic dispute cases despite the cops were still called out because someone got beaten.)
Top that off with everyone going "poor you" to the grown up, the son has few people on his side.

That is not setting a very healthy example for how the son will cope with other people later on in his life.

The wife not protecting her son (or herself - it wouldn't surprise me she's got a few secrets she's hiding but the fact she's considered divorce speaks volumes - but to look strong in front of her boys, her own pain can't be shown) If by not deciding that he needs to separate for a bit and get his act together, the longer she allows him near his sons, the more she enables this to keep happening. She's probably not coping well with this either and that WILL affect her and her parenting towards her kids.

She is also setting an example of all female counterparts in the son's life. He will see that abusing people is acceptable if she accepts her husband doing it to her or the kids. Either that or he will do a backflip and despise his father and his mother(or be over protective of her) and that can also create difficulty later in his relationships.

So you see, it's not just your brother's life he's messing up for himself, it's everyone he touches and the future of the people he touches.

And I don't care what your brother might think the 7 yr old did to "ask for it". Mischeivious or not, there is no excuse for an adult 3 times his size and 10 times the strength.
If he cannot find a better way to confront his child other than violence or any other "adult" ideals, that is the number one sign of bad parenting. Which he can change.. but he better hurry it up.

The children's safety should come #1. Get them out, then get him to deal with his problem.

If you see it happening again, restrain him. Get the kid away from him. Stop enabling it. Stop just standing there. Be part of the solution not the problem.

Children shouldn't have to be the stumbling blocks for adult problems. Their biggest concern should be what they are having for lunch, toys, what clothes they are buying for school this year.. Doing well in school.. curing cancer one day..

Not when or if their dad's going to 'loose it' this week. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that story end in distraction, bad grades and crappy jobs that go no where for young men that give up living up to their potential. Don't let that poor kid end up being a statistic.

[mentis]

Thanks for all your responses. My bro has moved himself out of the house currently staying with my mum. I shall see to it that he keep on track, on his road to recovery. I would not let such things happen to my nephew again. Thanks again

[shunned]

He is generally a good father, does whatever it takes to make his 2 sons happy. Bring them for holidays, there was once that his sons wanted a particular snack in the middle of the night, he took an hour ride just to get it for him and another 1 hour back. (though i think it's crazy) He loves his wife deeply. i just don't understand why he did it, when he is such a loving father, even his wife ever commented that. i just don't understand. can you enlighten me. thanks

NONE of this matters at all if he is caning a 7 yr old! Was he abused in this manner when he was younger? If so, he needs to break the cycle.
Would he try to cane a 24 year old?

I didn't think so!