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phil1129 · Dec 17, 2008, 11:53 AM

Another problem. My wife works mostly with men. She has told me that the conversational boundaries are pretty much nonexistent, but I think it got carried away. While reading her phone messages, there was one from a coworker (a guy she works closest with) who was trying to clear things up after an argument.

He asked if they were "breaking up" and she said that she was aggravated, she just wanted consistency. Mind you, she had told me that they had a disagreement at work.

He then said "let's go upstairs and f***. I want to on your stomach, no kissing this time". (Sorry for the language, I hope it's OK.)

She wrote a few symbols, and said "there's your kiss."

Now, it originally shocked the hell out of me. I confronted her and she said that she was sorry, and it was absolutely out of line.

Now, it's been a while, and I don't think that anything physical had happened between them, but I have a hard time getting it off my mind.

She blames herself for letting the content get so vile, she said she just wanted to fit in.
(She had asked two other guys what they were talking about a week later, and they said "thinking of what it would be like to f*** you".

Now, she's very honest, and said her avoidance to their conversations has basically ended the comments.
I just want to hear what you guys think.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 12:07 PM

Here is your original post for background

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...uy-290644.html

He then said "let's go upstairs and f***. I want to on your stomach, no kissing this time".

I know I wouldn't be able to get past this statement
It implies that they HAVE (went upstairs or somewhere) and f-ed
I want you on your stomach No kissing THIS time (suggests she wasn't on her stomach last time & implies they were kissing last time).

I would take it that way. I don't know, maybe she went way too far and now regrets it and wants to stop and do the right thing but she is in a work environment where they are looking at her in a sexual harassing way. I really question how she can work there knowing they are looking at her in that way.
Ignoring them is not going to stop the reputation she has seemed to have acquired.

Ber Rabbit · Dec 17, 2008, 12:10 PM

Why are you reading her phone messages? That's rude and its just asking her to go secretive instead of being open about conversations/issues with co-workers. She told you there were no conversational boundaries.

In the real world people joke around and it can get vile pretty quickly. Why do you think all those sexual harassment in the workplace policies were put into place? Some people just don't understand that conversational style, apparently she does but you don't. It can be quite shocking to someone who doesn't understand it.
Ber

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 12:14 PM

True and I hope it was just talk that she got carried away in and then realized how bad it was getting and stopped.

J_9 · Dec 17, 2008, 12:17 PM

My husband reads my texts, I read his. We have trust in our relationships and nothing to hide.

While this may be going over boundaries for some couples, it is not for us. What's mine is his and what's his is mine.

Personally, those texts would have put me through the roof and out the door. If it's not physical cheating, it has crossed the line big time!!

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 12:20 PM

Yes I agree with J_9 the only redeeming thing here is IF she actually realized what she was getting into and stopped. But ignoring the comments is not the solution because they will continue making the remarks and thinking she is enjoying them because she is not trying to put a stop to how they talk about her. It is degrading to say the very least!

J_9 · Dec 17, 2008, 12:22 PM

Very degrading, but it seems she may like the attention. This is another red flag.

Ber Rabbit · Dec 17, 2008, 12:47 PM

It's not easy being a female in a workplace where most of your co-workers are men, especially in a blue collar job. It's easier when you're considered one of the guys in conversations instead of a prude. You say she's attractive, don't be surprised if several of the guys she works with have fantasies about her. That's just human nature and it can feel flattering to have men ogle her as a woman gets older. She has chosen you and seems to be open with you. You have a desirable wife, learn to give those other guys an "eat your heart out boys" attitude. Jealousy and mistrust gets you nowhere.
Ber

J_9 · Dec 17, 2008, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by Ber Rabbit

Jealousy and mistrust gets you nowhere.
Ber

I'm not going to give you a reddie, but did you actually read the texts? That is crossing the line on so many levels. Yes, I have been the only female in a male dominated business (gun shop), and, while things may have been insinuated, it never went THAT far. That's too far in left field to be just joking around.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 12:54 PM

I have been 'one of the guys' many times and the conversations run along the lines of cars, sports, hunting, etc... IF any of them made a sexual remark I made a smart remark that put them in their place and shut them up.

sasha_1 · Dec 17, 2008, 12:56 PM

Not commenting on your relationship, looking at it other way...

Your wife is experiencing sexual harassments at work. She should report these guys to human resource. If she is putting up with these behavior to "fit in", then she needs to be given a training on sexual harassment, and I mean it literally.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by phil1129

He then said "let's go upstairs and f***. I want to on your stomach, no kissing this time".

The word in bold is what really throws me off. It really does imply that there was a last time. Joking or not, something isn't right.

Double B · Dec 17, 2008, 01:00 PM

There must have been some truth to that text or otherwise it wouldn't have been made. It probably wasn't the first either. Things at the work place can get out of hand pretty quickly. I would confront her more about the situation and see what is going on.

Ber Rabbit · Dec 17, 2008, 01:00 PM

Originally Posted by J_9

I'm not gonna give you a reddie, but did you actually read the texts? That is crossing the line on so many levels. Yes, I have been the only female in a male dominated business (gun shop), and, while things may have been insinuated, it never went THAT far. That's too far in left field to be just joking around.

Yes and having exchanged texts and had conversations that are more lewd than that with blood relatives I can see where it can be joking. The problem with text messages is you only get a snippet of a conversation and there is no body language to go with it. That conversation to me translates like this:

Guy: Lets just drop this and go back to being friends
Girl: Why don't you go jump off a bridge

I just see it from a different perspective.
Ber

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by Ber Rabbit

The problem with text messages is you only get a snippet of a conversation and there is no body language to go with it.

True, but read the words again. No kissing this time. What about last time? What happened last time?

J_9 · Dec 17, 2008, 01:04 PM

Originally Posted by Ber Rabbit

I just see it from a different perspective.
Ber

Wow, you sure must!! I read every word and it did sound to me like this was over the top. I would not stand for it if I found out my husband were texting like this. It's sexual harassment in the workplace for sure.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 01:10 PM

I was going to bring up sexual harassment in my first reply but she was participating and encouraging it. Sort of like the Kobe thing and the Duke rape case... entice and then cry victim...
Not the right way to handle it.

Double B · Dec 17, 2008, 02:09 PM

So did you decide on what you are going to do?

nfallon · Dec 17, 2008, 08:20 PM

Oh, there's NO DOUBT in MY mind that something is going on between her and that fella. A woman doesn't stray when she's getting the attention and the communication that she needs from her man. This is not your fault necessarily but remember this when deciding how important this text interaction is when evaluating it.

Ber Rabbit · Dec 18, 2008, 04:52 AM

There is an inside joke here. You cannot take a text like this literally when you have been told the conversations in the workplace tend to be x-rated. Maybe there was a day when the boss called overtime on everyone or did something else that "screwed them" and she made a comment about preferring to have dinner and a kiss before getting screwed like that. One of the boys would retort with something like "yea I prefer to be looked in the eye when I get screwed" another could say "geez, why don't they just bend us over and take us from behind".

Now you have a running inside joke that escalates and gets funnier every time someone feels like they are getting screwed. Unfortunately to the casual observer who doesn't know the whole story it looks incriminating.

In the thread someone linked to the OP admitted to an inappropriate text messaging relationship with someone at work. If he was not having physical contact with this woman then he should believe his wife is not having physical contact with the man.

Originally Posted by phil1129

Thank you very much for your response. I had an inappropriate text messaging relationship with someone at work. My wife generously worked through it with me, and we both seek counseling because of it.
A few months after, a male coworker of hers sent her a text message which was extremely sexually graphic. Her reply to the text was caual, as if she was used to this sort of stuff. When I approached her, she said that she also thought it was a bit extreme, but the banter with her in the office with the guys she works with is sometimes somewhat x-rated. She apologized profusely and avoids those conversations now, though the guys at work don't know that I know. She says that she allowed it to get to that point, though nothing physical ever happened with anyone.

She told him she avoids the conversations---yea right. I can almost guarantee she still participates in those conversations and has simply stopped telling her husband because he rides her about it. I'd even lay odds that the guys at work DO know he flips out about the convo's and that's part of the reason the guy texted that. If something was going on she would have deleted the text. I want to know if her husband is sneaking around checking her text messages without her permission.

Exchanging lewd text messages can be fun for some, it's flirting and flirting is a game. Maybe the husband should start exchanging them with his wife, they both seem to enjoy that sort of flirting interaction.
Ber