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LonelyWife36 · Dec 15, 2008, 05:56 PM

My marriage is really in trouble now.. I feel that there is nothing to hold us together.
I have been with him for 7 years now, we have no kids but he helped me raised my two little boys (10 & 12 year old) He has been a great dad to them. All we do lately is fight, we fight about almost anything, and I really mean anything. Anything I say to him turns into a fight, anything he tells me is the same way, it seems that we can not stand one another lately.
I love this man with all my heart, he was there for me when I needed him the most and we have been able to survice through really hard times, so I really don't know what is happening now.
He is now going out a lot, he is hanging out with some friends that I really don't approve - not that I have a saying here, but women intuitions tell me that they are not to any good) but he is an adult and he should know better.
Lately we do not even spend time together, is like he goes to work at 7 comes back at 4 and then leaves again at 8 to go with his friends and don't come back till 10 or later. Most of the times he comes home after he has been drinking.
Sex is getting poor and poor each time, the heat is just turning off.
Please give me some advise, I have asking him to leave the house cause I can not stand this situation any more, he does not want to leave, he say he loves me but he needs his own space. :(:confused:

N0help4u · Dec 15, 2008, 06:32 PM

Sounds to me like he may be doing drugs or something.
That describes many drug addicts that I know.

LonelyWife36 · Dec 16, 2008, 12:52 PM

I starting to feel the same way.. I just hope NOT
I hate to see him doing this to himself & to our marriage
O Well, thanks for the comment

450donn · Dec 16, 2008, 01:22 PM

Confront him and tell him exactly in no uncertain terms how you are feeling and ask him what he is doing. If he is unwilling to give you a straight answer or is evasive I really don't see a lot of options for you. Stay and live in Hell or leave and move on?

jcchampion · Dec 16, 2008, 02:31 PM

Wow LW,

You know, marriage isn't always a honeymoon to say the least.

The best definition of marriage that I know of is two people (a man and a woman) "working together" to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.

Over the course of years, words are spoken, situations happen, feelings get suppressed and these things, if not "Worked" out, can begin to cause one to feel bitter and resentful toward the one that they were once madly in love with.

If you are both willing to do so, what you need is a real, genuine "mulligan"!

A mulligan is a golf term that means "a do-over". It means that last shot doesn't count! We won't even consider it anymore, let's just start from here, forget the past and move forward, together.

Now, in order to do this... both of you MUST be willing to forgive... and here's the hard part: FORGET!

In addition, if you want the feelings of the fires of romance to return to your marriage, it's vitally important to realize that feelings follow actions!

If you want to feel love, you must consistently GIVE love. If you want romance, then consistently behave romantically toward one another.

It's easiest when both are willing to "work" together on this, but even if he's not willing to invest himself again in the relationship, then you may still be able to win him over by taking the action prescribed above.

One of the greatest pieces of advice that I give married people is this:

"If you want what you had when you first started dating, then you've got to do what you did when you first started dating."

Feelings follow action. That's why when you've acted out in anger toward one another, you both feel lowsy.

The hard part now is acting in a way (loving) that seems to be contrary to how you may feel, but just remember that the feelings of love and romance will return when you begin acting in that way toward each other again.

If he's willing to do so, plan a date with him.

Have a nice dinner (and remember, you're giving each other a mulligan - so, keep the conversation non-threatening).

Also, as a wife, stop thinking about what he's doing or not doing wrong or right and just focus on what you should do as a wife. He should do the same for you and just focus on being a good husband and not keep bringing up all that you're doing or not doing wrong or right.

Although you may have to "work" through some awkwardness, you may find that at the end of your date... romantic sparks are beginning to return. If this happens, and since you're already married to each other... it's OK to go all the way!

Now, I've used the word "work" throughout this post because marriage is work. When one or both people involved stop working on the marriage, often-times the marriage stops working.

It's not necessarily the end. It's potentially the opportunity for a beautiful new beginning.

If you're both willing to work at it, then girl, WORK that thing and enjoy the fruits of your labor!

JC

talaniman · Dec 21, 2008, 01:43 PM

You both either sit down, and get honest, or leave each other alone.

If you haven't learned to work together, through honest communications, your issues can never be resolved.

Time away is what I recommend, just so the emotional dust settles, and maybe you can plot a course of actions, with some peace between you.

LonelyWife36 · Dec 22, 2008, 11:54 AM

Thank you all for great advise.. unfortunatelly we have decided to separate, it may be temporarily - we don't know that yet, for now we agreed that we need a break.
He just left this morning and I am feeling like (excuse my language).
What a great Christmas gift I got this year.
He has been calling but I have not aswer his calls, don't get me wrong I am dying to talk to him but it will be easier this way. I will keep you posted