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A Poem that came to me while riding a bus. Suggestions?
These power lines trace our maps
like information on a graph Traveled by the working class rushing, running, shuffling for a place Hear gentle cries and screams from the future generation seeing hordes of vehicles predict the complications Flocks of seagulls pepper the sky only to turn to ash Plumes of poison drift through the air like drift wood down a lazy river These power lines hum like a religious chant carrying death but no the death that comes to mind but Eventual Mr.Sewtan-Ty running frantically with cinder blocks on his shoulders a ball and chain locked to his leg feeling as if he can never grow older... Like sheep we run from danger that has face value we've no instinct for a silent fight until the world slows Stops spinning, stop glowing human life will stop growing Open your eyes and conceive the knowledge Someone else's problem is exactly what you'll call it. * If you wouldn't mind, id love some feedback on how it is, some corrections, better structure, wording, ryhming. Everything. I'd love to learn how to write better. |
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This is a very good draft. You clearly have real ability. A few things: Definitely do not rhyme. You use the word "like" too often. Try to find a way around it. (In writing you sometimes have to find a way around certain word. You may need to do this by reshaping the line.) The poem is spare, and that works given its content. One thing that might contribute to this is if you were to use fewer articles (especially "a"). The final stanza is quite a departure from the others, and this doesn't altogether work. I like the second person here: it arrests the reader. But the other stanza take their time and this one feels hurried. Good luck with it. I enjoyed reading it. |
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Thanks Akoue! It sounds like you know a thing or two. To be honest, I love to write poetry, but find myself a little displeased with the final product. If you wouldn't mind, id love for you to share some thoughts and insights with me, teach me a few things. I write random stuff like this all the time. Sometimes, ill just be sitting in class thinking about... ohh lets say the Renaissance, and how it effects our world today, or maybe the genocide in Zimbabye and whatnot. Ill form some nice lines, write them down, and insert them later. Some help would be appreciated. There are two others I think, if you'd like to look at those, and ill post more. |
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