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lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

This is exactly one of those things that will get easier as time passes. I'm serious, its just like any breakup after a couple have been together for any real ammount of time.

Its hard at first but it progressively does get easier. You just have to stick to your guns. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you put up with him at all.

It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.

smoothy · Feb 20, 2009, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by lovergirl247

It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.

Just remember, keep moving forward... not backward. Eventually you will find your way out of the forest.

lovergirl247 · Feb 23, 2009, 05:55 PM

There was contact today for about 1minute. I had called after not hearing from him for over a week. He was busy and said he would call back. That was almost three hours ago and still no word. He has still made no attempt in getting his things. He won't call and I am tired of waiting for him. What should I do now?

Synnen · Feb 23, 2009, 10:20 PM

Call his friend, make arrangements to drop off his things, and do it.

smoothy · Feb 24, 2009, 05:59 AM

You said local law enforcement says you can throw it out.

I'd do what Synen said first. If ALL of the stuff is not picked up by the date and time YOU give. (Don't give more than a couple days) then put everything you don't want out with the trash. And with that, STOP calling him.

lovergirl247 · Feb 24, 2009, 01:23 PM

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isn't the boyfriend calling me?

cozyk · Feb 24, 2009, 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isnt the boyfriend calling me?

I really hate to be this blunt but, he's really not that in to you. He isn't talking to you because he only cares about himself. It's easier for him not to talk to you. He doesn't have to answer any of your "why are you doing this to me" questions. Apparently the last 5 years were not as meaningful to him as it was for you. It is nice that the brother understands your side, but the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter. Please stop asking yourself why, why, why. The "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that you get this whole relationship behind you and start a new exciting chapter in your life.

Take his stuff to his brothers house and say good riddance.

talaniman · Feb 24, 2009, 04:11 PM

Given his actions, the coward is to ashamed to face you. Get rid of his stuff, and say good riddance.

Jake2008 · Feb 24, 2009, 04:49 PM

Maybe because of her indecisiveness he's the one that is benefiting here. He knows a few words ever couple of weeks will keep her waiting. By her own admission, if he shows he is sincere, she'll take him back because she loves him.

He's got a good thing going here. As long as he thinks there is an option to resume the relationship, it benefits him to keep up the façade.

I don't know what possible advice could possibly be given until either a decision is made to end the relationship, or wait for him to come home.

Considering too that history has already repeated itself, I'm not betting on a separation.

I'm sad for you lovergirl, I do think your compassion and patience are being wasted with this man, and I hope that you do find the courage to move on.

lovergirl247 · Feb 24, 2009, 08:53 PM

You are all right. I have given up on waiting for him to come around. I will make an effort this coming weekend to remove some of his belongings and get a hold of his brother to take them to him. I told my friends that he and I have in common that no matter how much I plead or beg to know if they have talked to him or if he says anything not to tell me.
Its really only been 19 days since the incident happened. I don't mean that much to him at all and I am honestly beginning to realize that. I am finding things to do with my time and not sit here waiting and hoping. I gave everything I had in this relationship and I am taking some things back for myself. My kids are benefitting from this as well. I am more in tune with them and less concerned about him. It would be nice to know that he wants to come home but I am not holding my breath anymore. His friends get more attention now than I did in the 5 years I was with him... He is selfish and only thinks of himself. But I refuse to have his things here and I have given him enough chances to get it gone. Its still hard but its easier each day that passes by... especially when I don't speak to him those are the good days. Thank you again for all of the support you have given me.

smoothy · Feb 25, 2009, 05:46 AM

Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?

I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.

So why isnt the boyfriend calling me?

Its his way to play his control games... I.E. he is willing to talk to you only on HIS terms. He gets his stuff on HIS terms... basically its more of the same thing he's always done by your words here.

As far as his friends behaviour... I'm guessing ex-boyfriend has a hand in that. Call his friend... give say three days to pick the stuff up or its getting trashed... then do it. Don't wait for a return call. It's a stalling tactic.

lovergirl247 · Feb 26, 2009, 10:49 AM

I have been advised with so many different things that I am confused as to what to really do. Some are saying that after 30days its considered mine... I am thinking its 30days since I first stated he needed to get it out of here.
I still have not heard from him. I know he is selfish and playing a hell of a game with me here. I am about ready to snap. I am accepting the break up just not accepting the way he is going about all this. I know it meant something to me being with him for this long. How in the world can he treat me this way and feel good about it?

smoothy · Feb 26, 2009, 11:20 AM

Well, follow the guidelines the Autorities told you. They will know your local laws. Many places anything left behind when someone moves out is considered abandoned property.

If the Cops said you can toss it then 3 days notice to get the rest is being generous.

In the situation you mention, the 30 days would start counting at the point he was first notified to leave.

Look at it this way... he's always been this way... only now you are able to see him for what he is. Love has a way of blinding people to what's obvious to others. You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last to fall vicitim to "Love is Blind".

Jake2008 · Feb 26, 2009, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by smoothy

You said local law enforcement says you can throw it out.

I'd do what Synen said first. if ALL of the stuff is not picked up by the date and time YOU give. (Don't give more than a couple days) then put everything you don't want out with the trash. And with that, STOP calling him.

You have already solved the questions as to what you can do with his stuff, per your own contact with the local law enforcement.

If you need to call them again to reassure yourself, do so.

Try to focus on one thing at a time. Probably a good start, is getting his stuff out. You'll have plenty of time to ponder the 'why's' of his behaviour, after you have clearly established some space and independence from him.

Tim

lovergirl247 · Feb 26, 2009, 11:32 AM

Your right... I just need to take one thing at a time. The only avenue of conversation that I have to get the word out are my friends... and I don't rely on them either to say anything. I am hoping to start getting things boxed up and at least out of the rooms this weekend. It just disgusts me that I have to do all of it... feels as though it's a waste of my time and energy to do something for him so to speak. He coulnd't do for himself while living here... its his game plan winning again this go round

cozyk · Feb 26, 2009, 02:28 PM

Nobody said you had tp box things neatly. Just get some boxes and start throwing stuff in. Stack it all together somewhere out of your way.

You keep coming back to how could he do this to me? He can do it because he is a total jerk, and jerks don't play nicely. It's not like he used to be Mr. nice guy, that was respectful of you, your kids, and your home. He is not behaving out of character. He has been a selfish sorry son of a b!@#$ for a long time. You were not important to him before. Why would he suddenly turn around and break up with you in a classy manner?

lovergirl247 · Feb 26, 2009, 03:27 PM

Your right cozyk. I shouldn't expect anything other than what's been happening. For me to even think he might have a decent bone in his body was me actually lying to myself. After all I have done and been through. I should not even for a minute think about what his feelings are and why. It's a reality that I wasn't willing to accept. I let him treat me this way I let it get to me and I have the upper hand. I need to act and stop wondering.

crytib · Feb 26, 2009, 03:37 PM

You should try one more time to talk to him if that does not work just find a new man and have babies with him and leave him to cry cause that is what he left you to do

Jake2008 · Feb 26, 2009, 04:21 PM

I think it is quite natural that you are going to visit and re-visit the past, to try to make some sense of how this all happened, and why. You will need to see it with a clear head though, and that will take a lot of time in itself.

Sometimes the confusion gets even worse because it's easy to remember the good, and downplay the bad, especially when you don't want to, or are hesitant to see things the way they really are.

You'll have good days and bad days, but for now, it's important that you start taking steps, and even if they're little ones, the next ones will be easier.

Maybe pack his things up over three days. Make a list. Do one chunk at a time. That way it will get done, but may not seem so overwhelming.

smoothy · Feb 27, 2009, 06:17 AM

If the local authorities say you can toss it then the fact you are giving him say 3 days to get it out is purely a courtesy you are not required to offer.

If he disrespects that throw it all in boxes and set them out for the trash. No it doesn't have to be done neatly for the trash.

Don't let him control you through this. I think that's why he's doing this, to exert whatever control he can by dragging this out thinking he can do it as long as he still has stuff there.

Don't give him that control.