[krzekali89]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We've always used the 'pull out' method while having sex, since we moved in together. (Don't judge, we were each others firsts and get checked every year to know were clean.) Well after a close friend got pregnant using the same method, I refuse to use that method anymore because I do not want kids for a couple of years. My boyfriend won't wear condoms because we lived 100 miles apart from each other for 7 months of our relationship. He said he won't wear them because when he takes them off he feels like he's going to leave me again. It's a "mental thing." He said that he'll just wait to have sex for 3 weeks until I get on birth control. But I not only want it now, I still want to use them even after I get B.C. What should I do?:eek:

[jjwoodhull]

Sorry, but his excuse makes absolutely no sense to me. Pulling out is NOT a method of birth control. The pill is a great method, but does not agree with everyone. Also, you must wait a full cycle before having unprotected sex on the pill. Birth control is both of your responsibilities, not just yours. Don't allow him to be selfish. You need to examine all your options and make a decision TOGETHER.

[Fr_Chuck]

There is no such thing as a pull out method, while it does sort of reduce the sperm, there is plenty of sperm in the early fluid to get pregnant with.

What do you do, keep your pants on till he agrees and uses one.

[Synnen]

Find a nice counselor to refer him to for his "mental thing".

And get a vibrator for yourself until he learns that birth control is HIS responsibility too--so he either wears condoms or gets a vasectomy.

[Alty]

Why not go on the pill if you're so concerned? Not that the pill is 100% effective, but it's better than not using anything.

By the way, you do know what they call people who use the pull out method. They call them Mom and Dad. It's not a birth control method, it's just a matter of time before you become pregnant.

As for your boyfriend, if he was my boyfriend I'd tell him point blank "either you wear a condom or we aren't having sex". It's your body, you'd be caring the baby, it's in your power, not his.

[stevetcg]

You know what they call people who use the pull out method of birth control?

Parents.

Like Alt said - either condom or get lost. No one likes them... but they are a necessity. It's not a "mental thing". Its an excuse to be selfish.

[smoothy]

Either go on the pill and protect yourself... or refuse to take your clothes off. He is being s shelfish little child.

THere are TWO people there, Him and YOU... not just him.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well personally after thinking on this over night, I would just tell the jerk to hit the road, it is obvious he is only wanting sex, not thinking about the future of what could happen or being concerned over the feelings of the other person.

I would kick him to the curb and find someone that respects you.

[ZoeMarie]

A lot of good advice here, basically covered everything I was going to say. You should ask him which sounds better though, an unplanned pregnancy or wearing a condom?

[chrissymarie]

Yes I agree with everyone here. Keep your pants on until his man enough to be responsible, healthy amd smart and wear a condom.

[Tuscany]

I would be concerned about the fact that he does not take responsibility for his actions. Having sex is a two way street. If he is so quick to get out of a relationship over something like this what makes you think he would stay if the going REALLY got tough.

Talk to him. Tell him no more sex until he wears a condom, but then like Syn said you need to get on birth control too. Nothing is 100% effective, but a condom and birth control are way more effective then what are you are doing now.

[kp2171]

I'm in a ranting mood today, just a warning... my short answer is "you can't make him do anything he refuses to do, and yeah, he is being a jerk"

On with the rant...

When you come to a public forum, your actions always get "judged"... you're asking us to judge his response to you, after all... so don't put it out there if you aren't ready to take some heat for poor decisions. It's a tough love crowd.

Glad you are not going to rely on withdrawl for birth control.

For perspective, my son was conceived while we were using birth control AND regular, documented tracking of her cycle. Oops. A happy "oops" in the end, but completely not planned. If you have sex, protected or not, a little one might just come along.

Uhm.

So you are with a guy who will not take sexual responsibility for himself, who is willing to place all the burden on you, and who is more than willing to hold back until you figure it all out.

Great.

Wish I could say he is one of a kind. Unfortunately, its not that uncommon to hear about guys who come up with whatever excuses needed to not have to wear a condom. Personally, I think its terribly selfish.

Even if he has some mental block... and I don't get his excuse at all... he has pretty much said "look, i dont want to deal with this issue so im happy letting you figure it out"...

A condom makes him feel like he is leaving you? He needs to grow up and get over himself... and maybe be more connected to you. Perhaps if all it takes is a condom to shake his confidence, he might need to work on this issue before this relationship continues. Really. Long term, relationships take hard work that sometimes wed rather not do. A healthy sex life takes deliberate work and intent, and, again, long term it requires some effort, discussion, and both sides meeting in the middle.

Please.

So I'm not making him out to be the worst guy around. He might be great in many other ways. None of us are "perfect"...

So... now you get the burden and the worry.

Its not uncommon for there to be a lag time after starting the pill during which you are still told to use other means of birth control... so you aren't just 3 weeks out... you are 3 weeks out and probably another week or so.

Perfect use of the pill... meaning you do it exactly as recommended always, no misses, results in a pregnancy in 1-2% of the population. Might not sound like much, but really... up to 1 in 50 women get pregnant on the pill. Accidentally miss here or there and now your chances are closer to 5-8%... 1 in 20 or less.

Look... I don't dislike use of the pill... I dislike his attitude. Some women feel TERRIBLE on the pill and just cannot do it. What happens if you experience terrible mood swings?

And for a couple who do not want to deal with a pregnancy and who will be having sex... I think the pill and condom use is really a better choice.

So... what to do in the meantime? Just because he is willing to wait doesn't mean you need to. There are many ways to get a woman to orgasm and id ask him to take care of your needs. If he won't... well, that speaks volumes too. In that case, id probably tell you to sleep with a vibrator next to you until he changes his attitude.

[krzekali89]

Thank you all for your advise. I guess half the reason I posted this was to make sure I wasn't the crazy one in my relationship. I just wanted to hear that I was right and he was wrong. He's making it seem like no big deal blahblahblah and all I hear is come on, just do it. But just to clear one thing up... he is not a bad guy. He takes good care of me and does respect me, he is just way to horny and out for instant gratification. I had a talk with him after reading everyone's posts and we decided to stick to oral sex, until I go on birth control, and he will work on his "mental thing" in the mean time. Thank you all for everything.

Xox Krzekali89

[kp2171]

Its great you talked to him... and, like I said, one big, dumb mental block doesn't mean he's a bad guy... what I don't get is this...

If I had to choose between trying to time a withdrawl versus hitting orgasm while inside my lover with a condom.. there is just no comparison. You aren't mentally distracted by "timing" it, and it just feels so much more lush, more "complete" to finish inside, condom or not.

Anyway... I can't tell you that you aren't the crazy one in this relationship... don't know you that well. ;) but on this issue, you are on solid ground.

Not to spoil the mood, but I hope that you also have a serious talk with him about what your going on the pill can mean. You still can get pregnant ( he might not know that), and if you do, what do you do? The time to talk about this is before it might happen. You can have mood swings, nausea, irregular spotting, especially in the first few months. You might not be able to tolerate it. You might have absolutely no issues with it.

He's a guy and is unlikely to know much about what your being on the pill means beyond more protection against getting pregnant.

You, and he, should be watching for any of the following symptoms when you start using the pill... they follow the neumonic A.C.H.E.S.

Abdominal pain (severe), Chest pain (and/or short breath), Headaches (severe ones), Eye problems, and Severe arm or leg pain/numbness.

If you haven't used the pill before, some find the best way to keep on perfect schedule is to tie it with a task you do every day. For ex, I take vitamins every morning before I brush my teeth. Its my routine, and I keep the vitamins right there next to the toothpaste and toothbrush.

You might not want to do that... but keeping it tied to a daily routine, especially things you do regularly in the morning, is a good plan.

[Starbucks21]

Birth Control isn't as reliable as most people think. The problems with B.C. are... We have lives and taking a pill every day at the same time (no over sleeping or errors) isn't practical. And that's the most reliable...

Plus a lot of women don't work well with it.

You need a consular for his mental block. Or find different condoms he's more comfortable. And tell him too bad it's your body he's putting his penis into and therefore should respect you by putting one on. And you have the greatest risk of all

[smoothy]

Birth Control isn't as reliable as most ppl think. The problems with B.C. are... We have lives and taking a pill every day at the same exact time (no over sleeping or errors) isn't practical. And that's the most reliable....

Plus alot of women don't work well with it.

You need a consular for his mental block. Or find different condoms he's more comfortable. And tell him too bad it's your body he's putting his penis into and therefore should respect you by putting one on. And you have the greatest risk of all

Tell him when he is able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term then he can dictate if he wears a condom or not with you.

[ZoeMarie]

Just a thought. Have you heard about nuva ring?

[Starbucks21]

just a thought. have you heard about nuva ring?

Well yes but statistically the pill is the best method. There are problems with the ring which are very similar to the pill too. I think the pill is 97% if taken exactly and nuva ring is 90% but that's just numbers.

The Barrier method though I think is among the best. It's checkable. It doesn't require planning. And it's very effective.

You may want to look at female condoms but those are harder to find and 10x more expensive

Just tell him "I'm not comfortable without you having a condom. I don't want to get pregnant. It's my body."

[krzekali89]

just a thought. have you heard about nuva ring?

I've heard of it, but never paid attention... can you tell me about it? I tried the pill when I was younger and I HATED it. It made me miserable... so I was going to try an IUD. They're something like 99.7% effective... they stay in for up to 5 years and once a month you just check (yourself) to make sure the strings didn't break. Anyone know anything about that?

Thank you all again for your help. Its really helping me stand up to him and tell him no.

[jjwoodhull]

There are lots of choices. You need to speak with your doctor about what will be the best option for you.