[ThatGuy2]

I've been going out with her for about 3 years now. 9 days ago, she said we need time apart and that she needs to be with a man not a boy. I'm 24, she's 23. She's successful as a professional and has many goals in life, I'm going to school still with mainly her as my motivation and goal. She's always done everything for me like buy me boxers, make food, and clean my room. I didn't ask her but I accepted it and became use to it. Now she's saying I'm too dependent on her, which I am. She has always had a communication problem when it came to fights, keeping things to herself, but we loved each other very much. We would remind each other always every day. Recently we haven't seen each other that much because she's so busy doing her masters, full time work, and volunteering. I'm upset we only see each other 6-7 times a month and she's knows I am. I always call or text her to make sure she's OK, she does too but maybe I suffocated her. During our time together, I would sometimes joke around too much thinking it was OK but may have hurt her emotionally. And sometimes I tend to pressure her into doing things that she doesn't like. I know I don't deserve her and I realize my flaws now. I will change but I'm afraid she won't wait as she can get any guy out there. Our 3rd year anniversary is coming up in 3 days, then there is Christmas and her birthday right afterwards. I know about the NC rule but can I text her on what would have been our 3rd year just to say hi and have a nice day so she knows I haven't forgotten. I'm torn apart as I've never experienced such excruciating pain before. I truly truly love her. What I've typed here so far may make me appear like I don't but there's a lot more I haven't typed out. She said she still loves me and won't see anyone else but says we need a break between us. What do I do?

[ThatGuy2]

Oh, something really important I forgot to mention. We work together once every week so I can't do the NC rule. Only thing I can do is not talk about the relationship and pressuring her, but talk to her like a friend and about work. Can I talk to her family or friends about this? Or is that crossing the line...

[TimLSY]

You know what? Just forget about it. I understand you think she did everything for you and you don't deserve her, but I don't believe in breaks. You obviously made a lot of mistakes but who doesn't. If she can't accept you as you are she's not worth it. Try to talk to each other more on how to change and work things out and if it doesn't, just break up. There's no such thing as a "break," a "break" is only a break if you break up and get back together.

[TimLSY]

You might think I'm harsh and sarcastic but I've been recovering from a terrible break up for about 6 months. It began as a "break." For about 6 months I couldn't do anything, even getting out of bed to do laundry was torture. But recently I suddenly realized it's just not worth it. I'm a capable intelligent compassionate person but I kept beating myself that I was the reason she wanted to break up, because I did make a lot of mistakes, but you know what? In the end, it's just that she didn't care as much as you did. Maybe it's because she did, but you made her change? There no such thing as that - did you hit her or abuse her? All couples have fights. You hold on to the good memories, work through the bad times, and make more good memories. If she doesn't want to work it through just means you cared a lot more than she did.

I've suffered enough, I went to therapy, took medication, went on short trips, everything (we work together so even coming to work was torture for me.) But I finally realized today, it's not that you don't deserve her she doesn't deserve you! She'll never find anyone who cares for her as much as you do. But you will someone who'll care for you as much as you do. It's all in the mindset, buddy. I'm sorry for your excruciating pain, I almost killed myself multiple times. But it's just not worth it. And I think the reason my pain went so long is because I dealt with it in the wrong way from the beginning.

Don't even take it as a break. Just assumed you broke up and walk away with you head high. If she comes running back, that'll mean she cares too. If she doesn't, she's just not that worth it. Please do take me seriously.

[kctiger]

1. It is over, so accept that. Maybe not for good, but for your sanity, it is over!

2. Build a life around yourself that shows you can be you without depending on anyone else. Calling her, texting her and all that stuff will only push her farther away and will strengthen her reason for breaking up with you.

3. There is no point in blaming anyone for this 'break.' It is what it is. No one is better than the other ,so don't think of it like that. People break up all of the time, and it hurts to be the one dumped. But, it isn't the right thing to do to blame the person who dumped you. That will get you nowhere.

4. Time to man up and put your grown up pants on now. You have a lot to live for, her not included. Live for yourself now and start to put your life back together. Whatever happens will happen. She knows you haven't forgot about your anniversary, so no need to say anything. This is hard, I know, but don't let this detour you from achieving the things you need to achieve. If she wants a break, give it to her!!

Everything will be all right, trust me. You are not alone, and you will never be alone! GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED NOW!! No more contact, period! Good luck.

[talaniman]

She wants time, and space, so give it to her, and do as she is doing. Get involved with building a life that you enjoy with out her, as you need to motivate yourself, and buy your own underwear, or whatever.

Sorry, but its time to stand on your own, and be responsible for your own life, and happiness.

You do sound to needy of her, and that's not good, nor attractive. That can change, if you get focused, and get busy.

[busterite]

Do not beat yourself too hard. I understand your pain but by taking the right steps now time will help you heal.

Do not put all the blame on yourself because it takes 2 people for a relationship to work and to be honest it sounds to me as if you had created a whole life around her and that you would do anything for her and to make this work. Some will say that it is not healthy and I agree but at the same time shows how much you loved and cared for her. You did nothing wrong. In my case she was the one that was extremely dependent on me and who planned her whole life around mine. But then again she was the one that cheated on me and ran off with someone else. So you see it doesn't always work the way it should. Things might have turned the same even if you had acted differently. The important thing now is to distance yourself from her to avoid greater dissapointments. Its now time to put YOURSELF first, learn from the past and come out stronger.

[ThatGuy2]

She told me the only 2 things I could do that would make her consider breaking up would be if I ever hit her or cheated on her. Of course I've never and would never do that, but perhaps I was a bit naïve and actually believed it. We have some mutual friends and since we work together, NC is going to be tough. Can't I let her know how I feel and still not pressure her somehow? I don't even know why I'm still asking when I know what answer I'm going to get from everyone. She seems so much happier now, almost hard to believe. So hard to concentrate on myself when I'm suffering so much inside. So sick of fake smiling to the world...

[talaniman]

Read the stickies for this forum, and get some insight into how to move on.

Don't worry about her happiness, just make sure you are. Tough I know, been there done that a few times. It will get better, and you'll learn to never build your life around someone else.

[ThatGuy2]

Hi I have a question for the women. Girlfriend initiated the break 9 days ago saying she needs a break between us. She also said she understands if you don't want to be friends... Our 3rd year anniversary is coming up in 3 days. If this was you, would you want the boyfriend to still text you on that day? Or would that be putting pressure on you and push you further away? No I love you, I miss you or please give this another chance. Just a text asking how she is. This is what I was planning to text:

Hello (name), how have you been? I hope your not too stressed out from school and work, remember to take it easy on yourself. I know your strong, but everyone needs a break. I sincerely wish you have a wonderful day.
Your best friend always,
(Thatguy2)

I might be overdoing the best friend thing, because I did give her a promise ring (which she doesn't wear anymore) as a promise to be best friends till we were ready to move up with the relationship. We work together so NC doesn't work. She didn't eat the lunch I made her, she avoided eye contact, flirts with the guys, she spoke with other co-workers in front of me how she has so many plans and can't wait, and she took off the promise ring last time we worked together. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Oh and her birthday is like 20 days after Christmas, what do I do for those days during this time? We loved each other very much.

[ThatGuy2]

Oh and for anyone that says NC, does that ever work for getting back together? I thought it was just a method to help you recover after a break up when you know it's over. If I'm going to go NC for a year just to break up in the end, why not just get it over with now by asking her what's going on instead of moping around forever with that false sense of hope?:confused:

[Miss-JS]

I personaly think playing games, such as going NC in the hope she will miss you, is not going to help. If I where her it would make me think you where being childish (unless it is helping you to get over her).
I think you should text her on your anniversary, but don't over do it. I would maybe simplify the text you have written, the overall message is good but its abit long-winded for a text.
As to her flirting with other guys, don't worry too much, it is likely she is just attempting to get used to being single and being "allowed" (I know that sounds bad, I can't think of a better way to phrase it) to flirt.
When you are around her at work try not to be clingy, mope around, act jelouse etc just be as normal and upbeat as possible to show her that you are handling this in a mature way.
Hope any of this helps..
Xx

[ThatGuy2]

Thanks Miss-JS, what you said was exactly what I was afraid of. I don't want her to think I'm playing games by going NC, I'm only doing that because I respect her decision and if I didn't apparently it will only push her further away. I think if 2 couples love each other, they should be able to talk it through. They should go through the good times and the bad times together. I want her to know this, I think I'll have a little chat with her the next time we work together... I mean guy advice is appreciated, but I think girls know girls best.

[neverme]

Don't be too available though, I would send the message but stop making her lunch and apparently staring at her.. She needs to know that you are capable of being alone if that is the eventuality.

Being friends is great if you can do it after a break up. But you can't run into that. You both need space to re-evaluate who you are.

You said you loveD each other very much, as in past tense so maybe that's what it needs to be

Just make sure your respecting yourself and not being a doormat.

[talaniman]

I am a guy, and I can tell you how a man acts when he gets dumped, and keep his dignity, and self respect.

First NC is to heal, so you can make some good decisions for yourself, based on fact, and not just feelings.


False hope is the nonsense you fill your head with , that prolongs the agony, drama, confusion and pain of being dumped.

As to your situation, No Contact will work, and will let you keep your dignity and self respect, even if you work together.

Keep it all business, and leave her alone, and if you have to see her, just be brief, polite and never get into any long conversations about your past. Just go about your job and leave hers alone. That simple. If she is ignoring you that should be easy.

Your main problem is you have not accepted the facts in front of your face, and think there is a chance she will get back together with you.

She won't, so accept she ain't coming back, and leave her alone, and move on with your own life.

You'll be okay in time, so just stick with it.

[talaniman]

ThatGuy2;1420634 I don't want her to think I'm playing games by going NC,

NC is not a game and from what you have written she doesn't want anything to do with a relationship with you any way.

I'm only doing that because I respect her decision and if I didn't apparently it will only push her further away.

Thats already happened hasn't it, I think you have a big case of false hope, fed by denial that she is thru with you as a romantic interest. Better handle your rejection a lot better.

I think if 2 couples love each other, they should be able to talk it through.

She obviously doesn't want to do that so leave her alone and do as you have said, respect her decision.

They should go through the good times and the bad times together.

Sounds good on paper, but her actions say, forget that!

I want her to know this, I think I'll have a little chat with her the next time we work together

Don't bother, as you may piss her off, and make things worse, so leave her alone, and focus on you, and your own life, and keep your dignity ,and self respect intact.

I mean guy advice is appreciated, but I think girls know girls best

.
If you don't know what to do then listen to any one who does, be they man, or woman.

[Dare81]

I don't get it.Why would you send her a text on the 3rd year anniversery.You guys didn't make it to 3rd year so there is no anniversary.Sound harsh but that's the truth.From the sound of things she wouldn't care anyway even if you did send her a text or if you didn't.As for her flirting she is single now and can do anything she wants .
You really need to move on and leave her alone.If she wants to comeback to you she will but that's her decision.You can't make her.By acting all needy and depressed you are just driving her away and making your life misserable.

[Birtanem]

Hi, I have had the similar situation with you. Well, I'm a girl and 3rd years anniversary between me and my boyfriend is coming up on 13, Dec.

But we have argued each other recently and I totally lost a confidence to be loved by him..
I still love him but I can't see whether he still loves me or not..
We are an international couple and he is in his country for holidays. I tried to make up with him but we stay separately now and can't see how his life is going on..
I think he feels same as your girlfriend that he wants a break between us..
But how I could have a patient for it. I really love him so much..
I don't know what boys' want girls to do such a situation..

Well, sory for this answer.. I'm not answering what you want to know but I could see your feeling very much..

[ThatGuy2]

So, today is suppose to be the 3rd year anniversary. She texted me last night saying:

Hey! Sorry I got your message last night but I didn't have time to reply you! Anyway, I don't think we need to have the heart to heart chat... We are history... And I moved on. (over a 3 year relationship in 2 weeks?? ) I am more than happy to stay friends but if you don't want to I will understand too! As for the bank and phone stuff... I am dealing with it right now and I will sort it out with you next week...

And so that's it. What a crappy crappy break up this was. Is this considered to be a clean break? I still have so many questions unanswered. I've dreamt about her every single night that we were back together, only to wake up heart broken again and again and again. How is she so strong? Why am I so weak? I think I'll bag up all the memories she's left in my room (there's so much) and return it to her tomorrow when we work together. God knows I don't have the strength or courage to throw them away... why so pathetic...

[HistorianChick]

You're not weak... you are just a man who is still in love with the girl that dumped him.

But, you're going to have to be strong. You're going to have to recognize that she is gone. She doesn't feel that way for you anymore. Yes, she probably has wonderful feelings about your history because you can't be in a relationship for almost 3 years and not have a wonderful friendship. She will miss that, but she has made it clear that she is no longer interested in you romantically.

You need to take that as a "time to let go." Letting go is hard, and it will hurt for a while. You're going to keep dreaming of her and still wake up reaching for her. But, hon, this too shall pass.

We've all been where you are, and we are telling you that you will make it, you will get through, and you'll learn something about who you are in the process. Be the man that learns from relationships - that takes with him the good things, forgetting the bad, and remembers your friendship, not your ending.

Bag up your physical reminders of her and your time together, but do as I did, keep them in the back of a closet. My fiancé left me at the altar - talk about rough! I kept our memories in my closet, and would take them out every once in a while and remember.

The time came when I simply needed to carry the memories in my heart - and THEN I got rid of the box. It was the final healing, if you will.

I wish you the best. DOn't be afraid to cry and mope around for a little bit, it's hard. But, at the same time, don't become a recluse. Start working out, lifting weights, riding your bike, running, kick-boxing, whatever you need to do for YOU to start feeling physically better... emotions will soon follow.

Keep your chin up.