[plshelp18]

Hey guys,

I'll try to say this as short as I can. I'm 23 and she's 22, and we've been going out for about 2 years now. Everything was great for the first year and a half and I couldn't have been any happier. Then, about 6 months ago we accidentally started talking about each others past. I didn't expect her to be a virgin since I wasn't but I wasn't prepared for what I heard.

She told me has had done it with 5 people before me, 2 were long term ex's and 3 were people that she liked but just didn't work out (no one night stands, she liked them and went out with them for about 2-3 months). I thought my stupid brain was content with that but for some reason we started going into detail. Progressively it got worse, and I couldn't understand why I kept asking so many questions. I asked the same question about 2-3 times about details that I know I shouldn't have asked.

I'm at the point now where I can't turn it off. Whenever I see her, lie down beside her, talk to her I can't stop picturing what she's done with others. Some precise words even trigger thoughts about things that I do not want to think about. I lie down at night and sometimes all I think about is her and these other people. I say to myself "Why did she do it with him?" or "He used to do this with her...". Whether I'm eating, driving, working, studying, the thoughts won't go away. I want it to go away, I want to love her unconditionally because her past is her past, and it has nothing to do with her now. I love her and she is honestly the best thing that has happened to me, but I just can't get these thoughts about her and other people away. I've only been with 2 other people in my life versus her 5 so that might be causing some sort of jealousy, I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't stop thinking about her past whenever I'm with her and causes me to be irritable and not the great boyfriend that I used to be. It's killing my relationship, my reputation as a good boyfriend, and me as a person.

I want to stop it, I want to stop these thoughts, and I don't know if it will go away because it's been so long. These thoughts also get bad sometimes because I found out that she was talking to these people about 6 months into our relationship but she realized it was wrong and wanted to be serious with me so she stopped. I forgave her for it.

Her past is all I think about with her and when I'm not with her. I feel confused, angry, lost, stressed, and so tired thinking about this bullsh**. Its consuming me and its destroying our relationship slowly. It isn't the same, I'm not the same, and we're not happy. I thought I was smart enough, strong enough, mature enough to cope with it but I've tried everything but its just a lot stronger than I am. I don't know if it'll go away, and I'm scared and I'm hurting so bad because I love her. So I'm here, asking for help, because honestly... I would get help but it costs like 50/hr and I'm just a university kid that needs advice..

Please no comments saying that I should leave her, or for me to just forget about her past and move on, because I already know that. I need positive criticism, and positive advice for previous experiences.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Sounds to me like you just need to accept the fact that she has slept with other guys... That's the hard, cold facts. If you can't get your head on straight you will just be another rung in that ladder...

With that being said humans have emotions that need to be filled. She did not know you at the time and their should be no hard feelings in this. If she is 22 and only been with 5 guys that does not even sound too bad. If you love her enough it should not matter if she has been with 1 guy or 10. Love is what lets us overlook these pesky details. I mean come on her life did not start the second you two met. On another note would you want her to think about every girl you have been with? Even then would you want her asking specifics?

Maybe you should try to picture it this way. Sex is just sex... unless it's making love. It's just something we do to fulfil emotional needs. There is no point in thinking about this all the time. It will just consume you and ruin your relationships. Just let go of all the nasty thoughts and tell yourself that it's OK and what past is past and you can not change it.But if you try to dig too deep into the past all your going to get is dirty.You have to come to terms with this in your own way there is not much we can say as advice in this as your problem is purely your preception on your given situation. Hopefully someone with more insight or first hand knowledge will come along and give you a more fulfilling answer.

But seriously it sounds like this is getting to a point where you will either have to break it off for your own mental health or find a way to see a professional of some sort.

[Moparbyfar]

Of course you shouldn't leave her and of course you can't forget! Yes I vividly remember the same kind of conversation with my spouse, many years ago before the kids came along and before we were married. And I too remember thinking afterwards, "WHAT THE...?!!" I can only speak from experience by saying that the confused, inadequate, stressed out feelings did eventually die down only due to me constantly telling myself that "hey, at the end of the day, I'm the one they come home to and I'm 'the one they go to bed with at night."
Charles Kettering puts it nicely: "We should all be concerned about the future because we all have to spend the rest of our lives there."
Expressing your feelings with your g/friend may help too if you haven't already done so. (that doesn't mean complaining to her every day about it). Talk to a mature friend/relative about your insecurities if you need to get it off your chest but can't bring yourself to talk to her. The most important key I believe to a good relationship is communication especially when things feel like they're going a bit off track.
Take care.

[stevetcg]

My best advice - accept it or get out. You are not a pioneer and she is not some virgin princess. What she did before you met her is no business of yours and the only effect it has on you and your relationship now is that it has molded her into the woman you love.

Additionally, if you don't want to know the answers, don't ask the questions. And her numbers and your numbers have nothing to do with each other.

Bottom line - you are 23 and its just sex. Get over it and move on with your relationship - who she has been with means nothing.

[talaniman]

If you can't get over yourself, and cope with your feelings in a mature way, why should she be in limbo, and suffer, for your shortcomings??

You have issues to deal with, so get some counseling, or talk to an older person you trust.

[kctiger]

Are you and your girlfrind both posting on here? That is nuts!

[Irishgirl]

So what she's slept with other people and so have you! You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about this and in the end you will ruin this relationship and have no one else to blame but yourself - over thinking breeds paranoia

[plshelp18]

Thanks for the replies so far.

I understand what all of you are trying to say. I understand that I'm wrong and that I need to change this.

My question is how do I do this? Is it just something that will naturally go away? Or do I have to do something for it to go away?

I have tried everything and nothing worked, all I'm left with are these unwanted thoughts even though I try so desperately hard to avoid them.

P.S.my girlfriend isn't posting here... what made you ask?

Thanks again

[stevetcg]

Thanks for the replies so far.

I understand what all of you are trying to say. I understand that i'm wrong and that i need to change this.

My question is how do i do this? Is it just something that will naturally go away? Or do i have to do something for it to go away?

I have tried everything and nothing worked, all i'm left with are these unwanted thoughts even though i try so desperately hard to avoid them.

P.S.my girlfriend isn't posting here... what made you ask?

Thanks again

There is no one way to do it. For me, anytime I would think about something like that which bothered me, I would remind myself that she had a life before she was with me. Just tell yourself over and over.

[roxypox]

You need to get over it! Or you need to cyt her loose. This sounds more like an obsessive or jealousy thing.

It really isn't fair to her

[kctiger]

You can't hold people's past against them. For one thing, you need to quit thinking about your girlfriend having sex with other guys. I think that is what is driving you nuts. Don't think about that stuff. You can't change the past, you can only live in the present and think about the future. What's done is done!

[roxypox]

Well, you try to see a counselor. Or like steve said, you might just have to pretend like it never happened.

Btw" funny how we ask to know stuff we don't want to know

[funhouse123]

First off let me say, I have been having the Same problem. As I read your question it was as if I was typing it. What you are going to find is a lot of responses saying to "just let the thoughts go" (easier said than done), "let her go cause its not fair to her (definately not an option cause you love her), or "try not to think about it" (again, not always easy).

If I had to guess the source of the problem, I'd bet that it lies within the fact that there were some trust/jealousy issues in the beginning of the relationship that didnt allow for a solid trust foundation to be built, and definately that you got all the details about these past encounters. Details like that will wear on you often I know. You are probaby a bit massochistic for getting details you know will hurt you (potentially due to past bad relationships). Either way, that is meaningless now.

I know you aren't looking for the source, you just want the thoughts to be over cause you love her. That being said, you can take all the "just let the past go" advice in the world and it's not going to work because it's impossible to suppress it when you are reminded of it on a daily basis (if she had sex in the front seat of a truck then every time you see a chev than that's going to whoop the a.s.s. out of your suppressing skills). What I think will help you (as it helps me regularly) is to talk about when you are having these thoughts and why you feel bad and gain reassurance from her; while at the same time reassuring her everything she means to you (after all she knows all your past dirty details too). The other thing to do is to recognize the fact that this could potentially ruin you two if you act mean about it or cold, or become a bad boyfriend because you are so burned up about her past. Over time, this stuff will fade away and if you feel insecure that she's had better sexual partners then just think that you have the rest of your life to become the best and they'll never get another shot at it. Hope this helps a bit and don't listen to the people telling you to break it off.

[liz28]

First off, everyone has a past. Even if you leave her and meet someone else, they're going to have a past too.

You two never knew your would cross each other past and become involve with one another so give her credit for being honest about someone that some people wouldn't. And it could've been worst.

If her past is eating you up so bad then leave because it will do more harm then good if you hold her past against her.

Otherwise, if you stay let it go and know that her past doesn't change who she is and nobody past could be erase. She not doing anything wrong to you now like cheating,etc.

It's a new year so get a fresh start by leaving her past alone and stop letting it consume you. I mean do you think this is worth losing someone? I think not.

[h0llister]

Umm I think you did this to yourself, because you asked her so many questions.

[talaniman]

Funhouse- Thanks for your opinion, but its no better than anyone else's, thank you.

You did have a good point though, as getting to the source of those feelings which are unresolved jealousy, and insecurities, whether they be from past relationships, or issues in this relationship.

For one thing the only way to survive and be healthy, is coping with them, not projecting them on his partner, nor acting on them, and it's a process that starts with building ones own self esteem, and self worth, otherwise the relationship is doomed.

Once we learn to love ourselves, and trust ourselves, either through experience or accomplishing small goals, we build on that self esteem where we can move beyond those feelings.

Yes communicating with a partner is essential, but hard work on your part is the key ingredient. Easier said than done, but quite necessary.

Sometimes we need help going through this difficult process.

[funhouse123]

Funhouse- Thanks for your opinion, but its no better than anyone else's, thank you.

You did have a good point though, as getting to the source of those feelings which are unresolved jealousy, and insecurities, whether they be from past relationships, or issues in this relationship.

For one thing the only way to survive and be healthy, is coping with them, not projecting them on his partner, nor acting on them, and its a process that starts with building ones own self esteem, and self worth, otherwise the relationship is doomed.

Once we learn to love ourselves, and trust our selves, either thru experience or accomplishing small goals, we build on that self esteem where we can move beyond those feelings.

Yes communicating with a partner is essential, but hard work on your part is the key ingredient. Easier said than done, but quite necessary.

Sometimes we need help going thru this difficult process.

Excellent point talaniman!

I didn't mean to sound like my opinion was better than others, my apologies. I just didn't agree with the "leave her" or "doomed relationship" feedback since he cares enough to start looking for help to fix the problem since he can't do it on his own.

I do recognize the fact he has to build up his self-worth and self-esteem to get through this, that's why I didn't want him to listen to any comments that were tearing him down or insulting in nature.

Either way, I think I just felt the sincerity of the post and hopefully he takes the advice that he needs that will fix the issue.

[HistorianChick]

Why are you dwelling on her past and not your own?

You said that you didn't expect her to be a virgin because you weren't... so you, by your own admission, did the same as she has done. Maybe not with as many, but you were obviously in a relationship with someone (just as she was) and had sex (just as she did).

I think the key here is that you need to recognize that you're being a hypocrite... or, rather, exhibiting hypocritical tendencies. You said you're not lily-white, neither is she.

You both have brought baggage to this relationship and you both need to work on it together. Have you talked to her about it? She could be feeling the exact same thing.

[norstar1]

It bothered me at first too but I just kept telling myself that was in her past and try not to think about it. In time for me it was not such a big deal you have to except or move on and like buddy said 5 is not a lot.

[roxypox]

Norstar1: This is an old thread and I'm gussing that the poster resolved his issues... seeing as he didn't come back.

;)