Is it me or them?

KBC · Dec 13, 2008, 08:44 PM

Killing with kindness helps when backed into a wall.

Complimenting her would throw a monkey wrench into the works(maybe)

Not falling all over her too much,just the subtle kind of nonchalant way like a person who doesn't even know there is stress in the relationship.

suzieb · Dec 15, 2008, 03:31 PM

Ok, so h ow do I do this when she won't talk to me? I get the feeling that she isn't even reading my text messages either. I telephoned tonight to speak to my son and she didn't say anything just handed the phone to him when I asked if he was there. On reflection maybe I should have said something before I asked for him... I really miss my family - although I'm sure she doesn't even consider me as part of it.

KBC · Dec 15, 2008, 04:24 PM

The more you think things like that"although I'm sure she doesn't even consider me as a part of it"The more you are programing your mind that it is true.

The more you say it, the stronger the conviction is.

The stronger the conviction is, the more you believe it and keep doing things to make it a reality.

Make sense?

That goes back to this idea.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

By setting boundries we begin to become more than we were before,we are able to achieve more, because we have more personal belief, more self-esteem,and a greater outlook on life.

A set of personal boundries,ones that are realistic,will establish an unmovable personality,not arrogance,but assertiveness.The ability to achieve what we deserve,without compromising what we stand for.

Please look at that site,make it stick to you like a close friend and set those goals which you want to achieve.Don't accept NO from her about visitation with the grandchild,but do it without stepping on her toes.It is possible if you try.

suzieb · Dec 17, 2008, 04:02 PM

I acknowledge what you say about programming my mind and I understand what you are saying about the boundaries and assertiveness but I'm not sure how to put the bit about visitation with my Granddaughter into practice without either becoming upset, angry or stepping on her toes. Frankly I feel as though if I approach her I'm going to make things worse by becoming heavy handed or a victim as she puts it! I appreciate your help and advice and I understand that you cannot tell me what to do step by step; this is something I must discover for myself but I really would like a quick fix. I feel I'm missing out on valuable time with my family.

KBC · Dec 17, 2008, 05:04 PM

Yes,wouldn't we all like a quick fix... :)

One thought is,acceptance.To be able to accept what we can not change.

In the immediate time,this might not be 'fixable',and you might have to accept that,I am so sorry this might be the truth of your situation.

If she doesn't want to try and be a family like you want her to,this might be a difficult thing to 'fix' in a way you want it.

You have shown me,courage and openness and tried to reason with her as to your wishes.She hasn't been forthcoming with any gratitude towards you and so, this might have to be a years end without the 'ideal' Christmas.

In the coming months you can slowly make the changes which might make the outcome more to your desires,but this winter (it sounds like) is going to be a non possibility for getting together as a family.:( I am very sorry this probably isn't what you would like to hear,I too,am missing a child in my life,and she lives only 20 minutes from me.I haven't heard a peep from her since Thanksgiving day when she canceled her visit for the evening meal(and the entire family was here... 10 in all) :(

Keep working on those boundries and think positively about how to get her to see your needs as not needy or victimizing,just needs as any parent should have for their own family values.

I would like to keep in touch with you,this site is a great way to air your needs as they arise,I'll be on here as my surgery was successful and recovery will take some weeks to complete.

Hope this isn't too heartbreaking,but this is how I see it right now.

KBC

suzieb · Dec 17, 2008, 05:56 PM

Thank you for your honesty. I was thinking the same myself but trying to put it out of my mind. My daughter also only lives 20m away. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing something similar. How are you coping?

I didn't realize you'd had surgery. I hope you are on the way to wellness now. I may write her a letter as a final attempt at communication before Christmas.

KBC · Dec 17, 2008, 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by suzieb

Thank you for your honesty. I was thinking the same myself but trying to put it out of my mind. My daughter also only lives 20m away. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing something similar. How are you coping?

I didn't realize you'd had surgery. I hope you are on the way to wellness now. I may write her a letter as a final attempt at communication before Christmas.

Coping without contact isn't as hard as the situation you are in,you have contact and that makes it tougher,to be so close but so far.

My girl is just in a funk,she is now pregnant ,without the boyfriend around and feels like she should try to handle it herself(as the entire family might have been on her case for being in this predicament)Yet she feels like isolating herself,even from me.I don't get it,but it is what it is,I am unable to make her do whatever I would like and have accepted it for what it is.

Sorry.I didn't mention the surgery,it was on my knee,outpatient today,only took a few hours and out the door.Now the pain pills I have been on for the past 3 weeks are going to help in recovery instead of just nursing the pain.:)

A letter is a good idea,nothing too serious,just a note or Christmas card saying how much you would like to see them... etc?

KBC · Dec 18, 2008, 01:19 AM

I hope you are not too heartbroken with that last post and you can word a letter/card with care and compassion.All you can do is your best,to express your wants and needs openly and honesty.Maybe she will see it as a sign you are progressing and sha might come around to your way of thinking.

One can only hope.

Let me know how it works out.

Ken

suzieb · Dec 18, 2008, 03:33 PM

No Ken I'm nothing if not resilient! I am just hating the prospect of Christmas alone. I did have a short (and clipped) phone conversation with her this evening but only to ask if I could speak to my son. He was out so I asked a couple of questions about him and that was all. I managed to have a brief word with my granddaughter too so that was nice.

Sue

KBC · Dec 18, 2008, 03:41 PM

Yeah,that made me smile,the few words with the g-daughter.You never know,the granddaughter might want to see you around the holidays,she could be that monkey wrench in her moms gearbox!

suzieb · Dec 18, 2008, 03:50 PM

She's only two years old so I doubt I'll be top of her list of priorities with all the Christmas gifts to open. Tonight she just told me a little girl had hit her at nursery and she cried. I said oh! Sweetheart why did she do that and she said; it wasn't my turn. Then she said bye and put the phone down. Sweet... I'm going to try to write that letter tomorrow and see if that does anything.

KBC · Dec 18, 2008, 04:05 PM

My fingers are crossed for you,suzieb.

Maybe something like the Christmas spirit will reach her heart.

Any other ideas yet as to how to reach her?Like flatten her tires and be there when the wrecker shows up... :p

suzieb · Dec 18, 2008, 04:27 PM

Hilarious Ken! :p Maybe I should pay a visit and gag her until she's heard what I have to say.

Sue

KBC · Dec 18, 2008, 04:31 PM

Ah well,, the spirits(pain pills)are in me tonight... :D

suzieb · Dec 18, 2008, 04:43 PM

I appreciate a bit of humor in any case. Off to bed now it's almost midnight here.

KBC · Dec 18, 2008, 04:47 PM

Good night and good luck with the letter!

ingrid119 · Dec 18, 2008, 06:10 PM

Hi Suzie, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I really feel for you right now. I can only imagine how hard this kind of situation can be on a person, especially someone with health problems. My prayers to you.

But I just kind of wanted to address something that didn't seem to be in all the other posts. Your question topic was "Is it me or them?" but it's somewhat difficult to actually dictate that because you've only really put your point of view in your posts and no real reason to why your children are behaving the way they are. And obviously people don't just act the way they do for no reason.

I don't know your situation, how it was like with your family when they were growing up or anything like that but this situation sounds almost exactly like one of best friends situation when he was your sons age.

What the problem was between his mother and him were that they were incrediblely different people right off the bat and his mom didn't go about the right way of raising him. She was highly critical of him (though she wasn't really aware of it) and was very negative towards him. He rarely got any positive feedback (which is incrediblely important for children and teens, especially boys) and was basically only told off whenever he did something bad. Because of this he started to lash out, rebel, have anger issues and when his mother would actually give him some positive feedback he would overlook it because the negative ones were so constant it just didn't matter. His father was his sole guardian up until the point where he killed himself when my friend was 6. My friends mother would date and be in relationships with not good men who did not want to be a father figure so he had no one to look up to for assurance of good behavior. My friend is fine now, in college, highly intelligent and has a good future in front of him but that was only because he got his act together when he moved out and was on his own. He rarely see's his mom though because it stresses her out too much. I think I remember him telling me one of their fights gave her an aneurysm.

The point of this is, honestly, everyone I ever met who was self-destructive, rebellious and disrespectful usually had parents who didn't treat them right when they were younger and than when they were older and rebelled the parents (or parent) just yelled and restricted when that really isn't the way to go about it. I'm not a parent so of course I've never gone through this but I have observed many situations like this and heard from the child's side as to why they just didn't care anymore. Like I said before I don't know your situation other that what you've already said so I could be completely wrong but I felt I should tell you this because in a lot of those situations I told you about the parents were never addressed about this. They never seemed to go to the root of the problem to fix it because they honestly didn't know what it actually was. If I am wrong though, please tell me so.

Once again you have my prayers and I wish you all the best. And hopefully you'll be able to see your granddaugher soon!

suzieb · Dec 19, 2008, 03:50 PM

Ingrid I understand where you are coming from. I've never had much problem with my daughter until now. She was almost a model child. My son on the other hand has been problematic from day one. All this would have been fine and I would have coped had I had the support of my ex-husband who left when son was 4 yrs old. Both my children have been brought up in the same way; praise when good and consequences when not. I have been strict but I think fair. I felt I needed to be this way so as not to become the stereotypical lone parent with wayward kids. Son has been let down so many times by his father and abandoned time and time again. I have really been the only constant in his life up until now; though I still support him emotionally up to a point. He has so much anger towards me and I think it is because he blames me for dad leaving. He will not address this anger by having counseling or anger management because I think he fears he may appear vulnerable or weak if he does. I have a theory that he 'forced' me to abandon him (self-fulfilling prophecy?) In my opinion my daughter is simply trying to punish me for not allowing her brother to come home until he addresses the issues he has with me. I don't think the strong Cannabis he smokes regularly helps at all. I have seen a marked change in him over the last 18 months. Violence, aggression, lack of motivation, lack of self-esteem etc. etc. I'm not looking to blame everyone else or his Cannabis usage for his attitude with me; I'm sure I've upset him in some way - possibly not directly but I know kids can sense resentment and I admit I have resented the fact that I've been left holding the baby (literally)

suzieb · Dec 24, 2008, 03:06 PM

I am to be allowed to visit my Granddaughter for one hour tomorrow - Christmas Day. Should I be grateful or what? It's like a kick in the teeth. Yes I want to see her but I'm going to hate leaving after one hour.:(

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