[lickalove]

Well last time I wrote I spoke of my boyfriend cheating and making me feel very unworthy. Well the icing on the cake is this I just recently checked my phone records to find numbers to chat lines. That he has called I called and heard him on there he was so different then how he is with me. I am so disgusted by his bad decisions I am at my wits end with his! I am now looking for a new love someone that can treat me right. I heard him on this chat line saying how he is a freak and loves sex and eating pu$$y! But remember I said before he would never touch me! But loves to apparently touch strangers. I am so done and I have to and will move on I just need to know why?? Why do men act one way in front of their girlfriends. Then turn into something so diffrernt when your back is turned... I am hurt to say the least, he is now talking of marriage. Yeah right!! I just want to be happy he says he will get help so we can save what we have but we have nothing sooooooo what the hell?? But to all you men out there why do men feel the need to go else where. When they have a lady that is willing to please them?? Not to mention I am very attractive. I have done fashion shows I am no longer modeling like I used to... but I am still very beautiful. I am glad to say the least that this all came out in the open. Now I can do what is best for me but your input would be a blessing to my curious mind...

[tickle]

If the gentleman was really worthy of you and loved you then there wouldn't be a problem with intimacy with only you. Men get bored with the same old, especially when they are not into the person they are with.

You are better off, my dear, if you just left him alone for a whlle and maybe he will get the idea that you aren't interested in him either. Try it and see how it works.

[Kickprivate]

As a man, I have no idea why other men cheat. I am also very conservative and believe that any problems in a relationship should be talked about. I know that relationship problems can lead a man to adultery. Also lack of communication in the bedroom is another big one.

For example, I dated a woman once who would not let me go down on her at all. I talked to her about it and she said because she thought she smelled down there. In all honesty she smelled and tasted the best of all the woman I have ever dated. Even after convincing her she tasted and smelled great she wouldn't let me. It wasn't that I was not gently enough or rough enough, she just didn't like it because she was to self conscious. This was a major turn off for me and while I didn't cheat on her and it didn't even cross my mind it did lead me away from her sexually.

I will not sleep with a woman if she doesn't have good communication. Bad communication whether in the bed or out is a major major turn off for me. I learned very early I couldn't read minds and for me this is a very major wall that I have tried to climb without success.

So I ask the question, what's your wall?

[tickle]

Really good reply kickprivate. We have been having some really good input from guys lately but they don't stick around !

I agree !

Ms tickle

[Choux]

There is a whole class of men who like to *use women* who are too needy for a man(and have no backbone). It is in their financial interests. They keep their situation going by lying and lying and lying to their "girlfriend".

LIfe is much better if you open your eyes and see reality... then go after what you want in life and not settle for being mentally abused and lied to. Get some therapy if you want and expect to be mentally abused.

[smoothy]

THere are a number of things that can be at fault here... some of them can be the fault of the woman... others are purely the fault of the guy.

An absolute saint can be driven into the arms of another woman under the right circumstances... and some guys are just plain and simple dirtbags who would do it if they had the perfect woman. And everything else falls between those two limits.

Sometimes the woman is oblivious to what she's doing if she is the cause... other times a jerk will do it from boredom ( not a good excuse at all) or because she just isn't putting out.

Not pointing any fingers here... just trying to understand what this situation is better. I've seen either side at fault... and sometimes both.

Have you talked to him about it... have you both been fighting at all before this... have there been issues that caused you both to be not intimate?

Then are you engaged? Going steady or just casually dating ( in this last case you can't expect exclusivity)

[tfrog]

I'm going to just frankly put it out there.
He's bored.

[Stringer]

Agree with Smoothy's post and although the question was about a man cheating, it has to said that this is not specific to either gender. Both are guilty for the very same reasons...

Stringer

[smoothy]

I suspect there has been an issue brewing that she was unaware of for whatever reason. Dirtbags who will sleep with any willing woman typically don't shun a good looking woman they have to themselves. While I never fit that description, I knew quite a few over the years that did.

[blackshield]

Here's the problem.

He's cheated on you before, and you took him back.

The problem is his problem. You can have sex with this man every day, and he can still cheat on you.

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.

If you don't want a boyfriend that cheats, then leave. He's not going to change because he has done this before.

Another issue is this. You shouldn't need a man to replace him before you leave.

Leave this loser who doesn't want to stay faithful.

You may be beautiful, but there are a lot of women that are beautiful.

If you want a man with substance, then you have to focus on finding a man that has some.

[babyshooter11]

Oh my god! I was in almost the same position with my ex boyfriend. Trust me your doing yourself a HUGE favor by getting rid of him. I happened to ask my ex the same thing and I'll tell you he was VERY blunt with his answer. But I'm not going to say what his answer was because that's not what really matters. What matters is that this guy clearly wasn't worth it and who really cares why he did it? The fact is that he did and now it's time to move on.

[kp2171]

As a man who was faithful and cheated on by two women I loved dearly, I must say that this isn't gender specific. A woman can be as devious as any man.

Why does someone cheat? Ask them.

Boredom. Incompatibility. Inability to sustain a healthy relationship. Lack of desire in a long term relationship.

Look... long term, monogamous relationships are not easy. It takes work. It makes you face your faults and your lovers faults every single day.

I don't give much cred to a guys words on a chat line. He can say whatever is needed to keep the moment primed, real, truthful, or not.

What matters is that you two aren't on the same page... and until you both figure out what is missing and how to find common ground, its done.

But please... don't assume that cheating is a "male phenomenon".

Personally speaking, I've witnessed it as a "female phenomenon"... I was as true and right as the sun in the east every morning and two beautiful women chose to betray me for the touch of another.

Understand... I'm not saying they were wrong in all ways. If they needed anothers touch, fine. If they needed to not be tied down, OK. But there are times when a good love falls at the wrong time... when two good people just aren't ready for each other... that's when you stay up at night wondering "what the hell could i have done differently"...

Unfortunately, or fortunately, nobody knows.

Two big loves cheating on me led me to my wife.

Thank God.

It is naïve at best to think you can get through this life without some scars... be they mental or physical.

[smoothy]

Here's the problem.

He's cheated on you before, and you took him back.

The problem is his problem. You can have sex with this man every day, and he can still cheat on you.

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.

If you don't want a boyfriend that cheats, then leave. He's not going to change because he has done this before.

Another issue is this. You shouldn't need a man to replace him before you leave.

Leave this loser who doesn't want to stay faithful.

You may be beautiful, but there are a lot of women that are beautiful.

If you want a man with substance, then you have to focus on finding a man that has some.

It still hasn't been established there wasn't a confict issue going on here.

As a result it hasn't been established who is at fault. It might be his fault... it might be her fault. We just don't have enough info to know what is going on here and why.

[blackshield]

Smoothy,

While I agree with you that there might be a much bigger issue, it still doesn't give the boyfriend an excuse to cheat.

There is one thing here that is certain. No one can ever change another person and their choices that they make. Lickalove can only change herself. If she wants a boyfriend that will stay faithful to her, then this guy probably isn't the right guy, considering he has done this before.

There are many women out there that will stay will cheaters and then complain about the cheating. Well, I'm all about second chances, but if this guy has done this before, it's probably time to exit the relationship.

It's like the old saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

[tickle]

I don't know why anyone would have anything to do with a cheater. I have always believed, and have found out over the years, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Two people can be faithful to one another and truly believe in a monogamous relationship. It takes maturity.

My husband was a cheater many years ago. There are many reasons we are still together after 40 years. Two good reason were two elderly parents from each side who needed caring for, it was our duty. My son is another story. I know some were bad choices but that's all done with now and we moved on.

[Synnen]

There is usually at least ONE good reason to cheat, from the cheater's point of view.

That's not to say they don't regret it, and it's DEFINITELY not to say that once a cheater, always a cheater (seriously---I hate that phrase. It's so cliché, so repeated, so stupid, and so untrue). Some people are neglected and taken for granted, try to communicate that it's happening, can't get through, and then are swept up when someone else treats them like the amazing person that they are, and compliments them, and makes them feel special. Sorry, but after a while crossing the desert, you'll drink any water rather than die of thirst. Whether you leave your caravan for it is a choice---but sometimes you just can't get through to someone, and you can't leave, and along comes attention--of COURSE you're going to lap it up!

But---I'm preaching to deaf ears again, so I'll just let it go. It just amazes me that most people can't ever forgive cheating, but expect that neglect and ingratitude (or any OTHER problems short of abuse!) should be given a second chance in a relationship.

[smoothy]

Smoothy,

While I agree with you that there might be a much bigger issue, it still doesn't give the boyfriend an excuse to cheat.

There is one thing here that is certain. No one can ever change another person and their choices that they make. Lickalove can only change herself. If she wants a boyfriend that will stay faithful to her, then this guy probably isn't the right guy, considering he has done this before.

There are many women out there that will stay will cheaters and then complain about the cheating. Well, I'm all about second chances, but if this guy has done this before, it's probably time to exit the relationship.

It's like the old saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Has it been clearly established in this thread that they were engaged to be married, or living together with an eventual path to marriage in sight?

If neither is true then there is no expectation of exclusivity. And thus no "cheating" actually occurred. If either of those were true then Cheating did occur and if would help to understand under what context it happened. There are a few circumstances I can call justified... but quite a few that I wouldn't. We don't have the information to make that call either way with what we have been presented.

Just because a woman "puts out" isn't an agreement to exclusivity. There has to be a lot more to the relationship.

[Irishgirl]

I think men cheat because they think the woman they have at home is a good girl and would never dream of doing any of the things they suggest over the phone or on chat lines, little do they know that if they only asked or hinted they would be in for a surprise.They see chat line girls as dirty and only to be used. As a friend told me "men want a cook in the kitchen and a wh*re in the bedroom".

[blackshield]

There are some very good points here.

I still feel as though no matter what is going on in this relationship, or who is at fault, there is not excuse for him to continuously cheat.

I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. People can be forgiven. However, if the cheating continues on more than one occasion in the same relationship, then maybe it's time to break up.

If lickalove is to blame for the problems in the relationship, then maybe her boyfriend should break up with her instead of continuing to cheat on her.

[tickle]

Hi, Synnen, this may not be your opinion, but I think cheaters are predisposed to cheating. I think its in their personality and are not of a monogamous nature to start with.