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Chiffon · Dec 7, 2008, 12:43 PM

My daughter father and I have been together for over 15 years. About 3 months ago, we decided to go our separate ways. I'm living a life full of stress and anger because he won't help continue to take care of our 14 yr old daughter. I won't let her see her father anymore for the simple fact he refuses to help provide for her appropriately. This is very hard on my daughter, she's not happy and now giving me problems.

I can't begin to describe how much I love my daughter, but I'm to the point where I just want to turn all my rights over, let her go live with him, and be done all the pain. I'm so confused as to what to do.

ScottGem · Dec 7, 2008, 12:49 PM

First, its unlikely a court will allow you to give up your rights. What you really want is to turn custody over to the father, but if he isn't doing his part, what makes you think he will accept it?

And what do you mean by provide for her? Is there court ordered support, visitation? We need more info here.

DoulaLC · Dec 7, 2008, 12:53 PM

How is her father not providing for her? Is it just in regard to money? Does she want to see her father? Does he want to see her? If she is not in danger from seeing him, this may be an issue you want to reevaluate... might be a big part as to why she is angry with you. Three months is not a long time at all for any of you to adjust to the changes that your family has experienced. He may be very angry and, while it is not appropriate, he may be reacting by stepping back from both of you for now.

Chiffon · Dec 7, 2008, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

First, its unlikely a court will allow you to give up your rights. What you really want is to turn custody over to the father, but if he isn't doing his part, what makes you think he will accept it?

And what do you mean by provide for her? Is there court ordered support, visitation? We need more info here.

I wasn't as clear with my statement. When we split, he promised to continue to help out with all the obligations he and I established together. The following month, he decided to go back on his word. We've been fighting about the finances just about everyday sense he moved out. Even though we were arguing I would still let him come by to pick our daughter up for the weekend. He had the nerve to tell me that I was a grown women and that I need to pay the bill myself and that the clothes he buy her, along with the lunch money, should be good enough.

stinawords · Dec 7, 2008, 01:54 PM

Did you go to court to get a support order? If not then he dosen't owe you anything period. You can not have your rights terminated so just forget about that. What you might want is some counseling for you and your daughter. Does he want to see his child? If he wants to and she wants to see him then why stop that? If he wants custody and you don't then just let her go live with him. Then he can go to court and get a support order and all you will have to do is pay the ordered support unless you want visitation then you request visitation and the judge will give you a visitation order.

Justwantfair · Dec 7, 2008, 01:59 PM

Child support or the support you expect from him and visitation are two very separate factors. A father does not have to pay support in order for him to still have rights to visitation and you are wrong if you are withdrawing that opportunity from him.

A father with frequent visitation will often choose to stay involved and support his obligation more often than a father who is not involved. "Out of sight, out of mind" really does apply to some people's ability to parent.

ScottGem · Dec 7, 2008, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by Chiffon

When we split, he promised to continue to help out with all the obligations he and I established together. The following month, he decided to go back on his word. We've been fighting about the finances just about everyday sense he moved out. .

Why are YOU arguing, why isn't your attorney working out a divorce settlement that will spell out support, visitation etc. Its all well and good to try an work this out between you, but as soon as he reneged you should have started court proceedings.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 7, 2008, 08:45 PM

This is the issue, you are not doing anything right,

You care less what he says, you go to court and get a custody order and a order from the court for child support and maybe even a garnishment on his paycheck for the support.

He can always go to court for a visitation order, you can't stop him from visiting if he wants to and is willing to fight for it.

If you let him have the child, he can then go get a child support order to make you pay child support

DoulaLC · Dec 8, 2008, 06:42 AM

Please don't use your daughter as a pawn by refusing to let them see each other because he is not paying what you think he should be paying. I'd be angry too if this is the case. The finances are between you and your partner, your daughter should not be put in the middle of it. Your actions and words will go a long way in how she will handle the separation and how she will perceive your role in it.

As others have said, if you can't work out an agreement between yourselves, you will have to get it in writing from the court. Mediation may help avoid going to court, so you may want to look into that first.
Often when a couple separates, money becomes a big part of the picture and there can be quite a power struggle because of it.
Much will be taken into consideration... how were bills paid before, are you or were you working, what sort of income do you both make, will you retain primary physical custody, etc..