[cadillac59]

As a formally married gay man (with kids) coming out, I wonder if anyone might offer some suggestions of what I should do in this situation: in meeting other gay men is it adviseable to mention that I was once married to a woman and have children or should I avoid the subject as long as possible? Although I love my kids as much as any dad would, I am embarrassed to mention that I made the horrific mistake of marrying a woman. I've come to learn that what so many of us have been taught about gay people since the time we were born is simply a lie: gay people are as well-adjusted, vibrant, happy, intelligent, creative and beautiful as anyone else and homophobia has tragically destroyed and continues to destroy many lives.

So I am embarrassed and feel like a fool. I should have come out at 17 like so many gay people do nowadays. How should I approach this (the mistake of the past in living in the closet) in forming new relationships with other gay men?

Anyone's comments are appreciated.

[TrueFaith]

Well when you met someone for the first time

You don't put all your cards on the table do you?

So. Go out and date and have fun
And if you feel safe with a person. And they trust you and you trust them.

Then you tell them. What your story is.
And if they can handel it great
If not

Wait for the right person that can

Oh yeah never feel ashamed of who. And what you are.
I don't think people are born a blank sheet.. we are all born with something in us.
And it makes us all different. Even if two people are brought up in the same typ of way
They would still be totally different from one another.



All the best

[talaniman]

If you can't be honest with yourself, and others, whats the friggin point of interacting with people.

Mistakes, are nothing to be ashamed of, as before you are gay, you are human, so act like it.

Try to be a good human.

[cadillac59]

If you can't be honest with yourself, and others, whats the friggin point of interacting with people.

Mistakes, are nothing to be ashamed of, as before you are gay, you are human, so act like it.

Try to be a good human.

Oh, I get the point about being honest. There's no way around the truth eventually, of course. But I think I was more concerned about the timing of it. You know how when you meet people initially there's small talk about who you are, where you are from and so on. I think what I was questioning is how long to hold make this bit of information, and what to say in the interim?

But thanks for your comments. I like the part about mistakes being nothing to be ashamed of. Very true.

[starbuck8]

There really is no stead fast rule. You don't have to feel guilty about not telling just anyone you date, right off the bat. Telling a date about the details of your personal life, is not necessary until you feel you can trust the other person with that information. You can give them tidbits, as you get closer, just like you would in any relationship.

I think as long as you have a healthy outlook now towards a relationship, and not an unhealthy approach to your former relationship. After all, you wouldn't have had children if you hadn't had the relationship you did with your ex wife, and that is something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

I don't understand why you should feel embarrassed or like a fool. I'm sure most gay men understand the conflict! They had to go through it too! You will probably be very surprised with the men that you meet, and the similar stories they have of their own!

Gay people have enough to deal with. I think you will be able to see if they have gone through some of the same things that you have. In the end, it's really no different that dating someone of the opposite sex. You can ease into telling someone the details of your past.

[cadillac59]

Not a big deal, but why does that HUGE banner pop up on any questions involving gay people and gay relationships, 'ARE YOU GAY?'??

I don't see a similar banner when a hetero person posts a question about a boyfriend or girlfriend that broadcasts 'ARE YOU STRAIGHT?' as if it were some odd aberration. I know that probably 95+% of the board is straight, but geez. Can you imagine if straight people were treated like gay people?

[starbuck8]

I'm not sure why they pop up like that. They do on a lot of the other threads too. Say for instance when you ask a question in the pet forums if you ask about Pitbulls or something. Don't let it bother you. I think it's just a keyword thing. I don't think the admins planned it that way. I have entered a keyword myself and had an odd banner pop up. Don't take it personally. :)

[Irishgirl]

Sensitive much? God youv'e only recently come out and already you're the put upon gay person

[starbuck8]

Not a big deal, but why does that HUGE banner pop up on any questions involving gay people and gay relationships, 'ARE YOU GAY?' ???????

I don't see a similar banner when a hetero person posts a question about a boyfriend or girlfriend that broadcasts 'ARE YOU STRAIGHT?' as if it were some odd aberration. I know that probably 95+% of the board is straight, but geez. Can you imagine if straight people were treated like gay people?

You also have to realise that coming out wouldn't be easy. If it was, you would have done it long before you "pretended" to be straight, and had a wife and children. Don't blame it on the hetero community either now! You played that role, and you were lying to everyone, including yourself. I somehow don't think that you've dealt with the fact that you're gay. You better be prepared for the ney sayers. So far you haven't had to deal with any on your thread YET! But be prepared for others that have different opinions. Relax and don't get your poop in a bunch! I'm not saying it's right, but you have to take it all in context, and in stride. Otherwise, you are only going to make it more difficult for yourself. I'm sure your ex wife and children are also having a very hard time with this. They lived your lie.

[cadillac59]

Sensitive much?! God youv'e only recently come out and already your the put upon gay person

Well, actually I think I've been put upon my whole life about this in one way or another. But thanks anyway. And I also thank Starbuck8 for the reply.

Can you imagine if the world treated straight people the way gay people have been treated? There would be riots in the street! Imagine (sort of like in Twilight Zone fashion--you know that old TV show) if straight boys grew up hearing, "You little hetero creep, stop looking at girls, what are you some pervert? And put that football down! No sports! Get sports out of your head! Read this article about home decorating!"

It would be pretty funny if you think about it.

[starbuck8]

Yes, I do agree. That would be a Twilight Zone scenario. I do get where you're are coming from. The world at large is in denial, and hasn't yet come to understand that this is how you are born. It's sad really when people just can't have compassion for their fellow human beings. But we see everyday that some just don't in all different situations. Some people just aren't tolerant, and can't wrap their head around it.

Want to come decorate my house while I go out a play football? No scrap that, I don't like football. We'll decorate together! LOL!

[cadillac59]

Yes, I do agree. That would be a Twilight Zone scenario. I do get where you're are coming from. The world at large is in denial, and hasn't yet come to understand that this is how you are born. It's sad really when people just can't have compassion for their fellow human beings. But we see everyday that some just don't in all different situations. Some people just aren't tolerant, and can't wrap their head around it.

Wanna come decorate my house while I go out a play football? No scrap that, I don't like football. We'll decorate together! LOL!

Well I'm not much for home decorating but I love to shop and I'm great with colors:)! Oh, and I hate sports as well so we've already got a lot in common.

I saw this funny YouTube thing once where this gay guy was interviewing his mother, who was really sweet by the way, and she said she knew her son was gay early on because when he was little every time their Martha Stewart magazine arrived he had to sit down with her and read it! I thought that was funny (it reminded me of me!):)

[starbuck8]

Well I've been a floral designer for over 20 yrs. so I'm a bit of a Martha fan myself. Although I think she's a bit pretentious. I lean towards the natural elements.

I'm going shopping for more C'mas decorations today. I've got light hardwood floors, and greenish/mushroom colored walls. What do you think? Gold and burgandy, or silver and green? I'm thinking the Gold.

Hey, maybe you should start another thread! We could ask about colors and stuff! Hahaha!

[cadillac59]

Well I've been a floral designer for over 20 yrs., so I'm a bit of a Martha fan myself. Although I think she's a bit pretentious. I lean towards the natural elements.

I'm going shopping for more C'mas decorations today. I've got light hardwood floors, and greenish/mushroom colored walls. What do you think? Gold and burgandy, or silver and green? I'm thinking the Gold.

Hey, maybe you should start another thread! We could ask about colors and stuff! Hahaha!

Frankly I kind of like that greenish/mushroom look; it sort of has that retro 60's look about it. So I think the silver and green would be cool, but what do I know?

And you know that annoying banner ARE YOU GAY? Why can't the words be smaller and more delicate? It's seems almost like sarcasm or something. I want one that says, STUCK IN A HETERO LIFESTYLE... THERE'S HELP.

[ashey23ole]

Would you want to be told?

[cadillac59]

would you want to be told?

Oh, good question. Had to think about it for a moment.

Yeah, I think so. Maybe not all at once but at the right time, yes.

Thanks for the comment. It's food for thought.