[preppygal19]

I'm hoping that I can find some good advice on my current situation/ problems.. A few years ago when I was about 19 I was with someone that I really cared about well his feelings were not really the same and it made me very upset. To the point that I hit him on several occasions, I will yell and scream at him constantly and I would get mad over every little thing.. it go to the point that I threatened 2 jump out of the car while it was moving and locked myself in the bathroom crying uncontrolling telling him that I was going to cut myself.. I never did anything to hurt myself. Eventually we broke up and I moved on.. now I'm 25 and I'm engaged to be married I'm having some of the same feelings. We have our problems like any normal relationship but its got to the point that I've hit him, keyed his car, and put my foot through his windshield. I don't sleep well at night and I have a nephew that I adore but when I'm around him I feel myself not having the patience I once had. I get aggitated very easily and while I know that I'm angry and doing all of this stuff I tell myself to stop but I just cant. I'm really worried and don't know what to do or what this may be. My Dad abused us as we were kids and also did the same to my mother. He also had a bad drug problem.. sometimes I think maybe I act this way because of what happened as a kid? Anyone with any answers please help.. Thank you for your time..

[southerngalps]

You should look into anger management classes. This sort of behavior can be helped.

You should take care of the problem before you lose the ones that you love.

[asking]

It's very likely that you are behaving this way because of your father's behavior. You have internalized his values to a degree. It's great that you want to change.

Anger management doesn't work for abusers who don't particularly want to change, but it might help you. I recommend reading some books about abuse and concentrating on changing your own behavior. I like Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship and "Why Does He do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Except instead of looking at your "him," look at your own behavior. You CAN change this if you want to. You are allowing yourself to do these things, although it doesn't feel like it.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years and as our children got older, I saw my husband treating them the way he treated me. Worse, I sometimes took things out on them myself. It was so painful to me that I should ever hurt them (verbally). That was a major reason I left my husband. After the divorce, I read these books and many more in an effort to shed the abusive tactics I'd learned from my ex. I think I mostly did and that I am a much better parent. I was able to return to myself relatively quickly. I am very close to my kids now and they are really cool and nice.

I think you can do this, but it means deciding that you want to change, identifying the specific behaviors that are abusive and not doing them, identifying the situations that set you off and coming up with other ways of dealing with frustration--when people don't do what you want.

I also have some questions. What kinds of things are making you this angry? And why are you unable to sleep at night? Exhaustion could contribute to your short fuse, so you need to get some sleep. What keeps you up?