[jsosad14]

Hey everyone, I am an ametauer poet and was wondering if this poem about a girl I like was any good. Please, any advice, likes or dislikes about it is needed.

Angela
My latin fire, girl that i desire
Your big brown eyes full of care
The light that makes my darkness dissapear
When i'm with you, there's always a rush
But always feeling that you might crush
My heart that has been scarred
Loving you could be very hard
But i'm willing to take a chance
Of hopingly finding romance
Because your're the girl of my dreams
We belong together it seem

[Akoue]

Two suggestions:

The meter needs to be changed, broken up a bit. It reads a bit like a song lyric. (If you have the inclination, you could easily put it to music.) But it's a little sing-songy. Try breaking up the lines and losing some of the rhyming. Once you start playing around with form you'll find things really open up for you.

"Hopingly" doesn't work. Not because it isn't a word--I'm all in favor of poetic license here, crafting new words in playful ways. It's just that this particular word doesn't work on the line. When you go back through a poem you write, take each line at a time and try to figure out whether each word carries its weight. In this case, the line leaves my tongue in a knot.

Don't give up on the poem. Just spend some time shaping it. It will pay off.