[confused25]

Hey everyone! This is a rather simple question, but some answers would go a long way in helping. Basically I find that every time I talk with my girlfriend I always ask her how her day was, what was the best part of her day, and what she plans on doing the next day.

I'll also ask her about how her theatrical plays are going (she is an actress attempting to get a theater degree) but she isn't a very talkative person and doesn't elaborate much on events so often our conversations are short, dull, and followed by silence. Could you guys provide me with some ideas for conversation topics. Something that can be fun, engaging, and will get her to come out of her shell a bit more. Thanks for the help!

[talaniman]

Why not tell her what you have told us, and see where that leads, as it just may be her nature to be quiet.

Accept how she is and adjust, or get someone more talkative.

Is this the only glitch in the relationship?

[confused25]

Unfortunately its not the only glitch. About two weeks ago I asked her if she was happy with the relationship. She said that she really cared about me but wasn't sure if she was very passionate about me. I asked her if she wanted to end the relationship and she said no, so we decided to stay together and see where things go.

Since then there have been times where she is affectionate towards me (smiles, holds my arm, etc.) and during those moments the relationship is very nice. The problem is that there are times when I see her and she just isn't happy. For example, we ran into one another on campus today because I got off work early and the truth is that she did not seem happy to see me. On the contrary it was almost as if she was disappointed.

Problem is that I can't tell if its her lack of "passion" towards me or because she is just exhausted. She has a lot on her plate and has been rehearsing every night for the past 3 weeks from 6PM to 11PM (on top of that she has school during the day). We talk to one another once a day for about 5-10minutes when she gets back from rehearsal, but the conversations are usually short and depressing because she is real tired on the phone. Sometimes we will see each other during the day, maybe have lunch, but during those moments she doesn't talk much. Which is why I asked for advice on conversation topics.

See, I'm not sure what the problem is here: Am I insecure and not taking into consideration that she is very tired or not very talkative? Or is she just not really "into" me and is afraid to end the relationship? Any advice?

[debdoes]

If she has always not been very talkative with you, then that's probably just the way she is. I'm not very talkative either, not because I'm not into the person, it's just the way I am. She probably is stressed right now, it seems like she's got a lot on her plate and maybe her mind is occupied with all the stuff she needs to get done, rather than wanting to talk. I do understand your frustration though...

[talaniman]

How old are you both, and how long have you been in this relationship? Hasn't she always been this way?

[confused25]

She is 18 years old and I am 23. The relationship has been going for about 3 months and this is her first "real" relationship. When we first started dating she was rather quiet and less talkative than all the other girls I've dated before, which made it hard for me to read her. However, things clicked and we got into a relationship.

Sadly problems started arising when I noticed that she just did not seem to be enjoying the relationship. Initially she was excited (as most people are) but the "honeymoon" period did not last long. This drop in excitement seemed to coincide with her getting busy. Unfortunately, these problems were enlarged because we have a hard time becoming sexually intimate. When we try to have sex it hurts her a lot and I feel that this has led her to question the relationship (i.e. if she is really sexually attracted to me).

As mentioned before all this led me to ask her how she felt about the relationship and whether she wanted to continue it. She basically said that she cared about me but was not sure if she was passionate, but that she still wanted to continue the relationship.

Which brings me to the present. There are moments when she is affectionate towards me, but there are times when she just doesn't seem happy. I'm confused because I'm not sure if its because she is exhausted from all the work or because she just isn't excited about being in a relationship with me.

[talaniman]

You two seem kind of mismatched, but after 3 months, I just don't know, but I think she is the quiet reserved type.

She may not be as experienced as you are either, but because she is not that demonstrative about what she is feeling doesn't mean she is unhappy, maybe you should pay closer attention, and be a little more sensitive to her.

Or are you losing interest after having sex?

[confused25]

No I haven't lost interest in her. And with regards to sex, we actually really haven't had sex because she feels a lot of pain. We are both confused as to why this is the case but I promise that I have been very sensitive to her needs with regards to this particular situation.

I think part of the problem may be that I'm a little insecure. I feel that I need some sort of physical cues from her (not sex, but hugs, kisses, or at least verbally telling me) to show me that she is truly happy to be in a relationship with me. This need for reassurance from her is greatly a result of the problems that have come up (her confusion about whether she is passionate about me and the inability to have sex).

I think for now I am just going to give her space. As I said she is very busy these days and the fact that she often seems unhappy may be because she wants some alone time but doesn't know how to ask for it. If she wants to, she will call me to spend time with me. Let me know what you think please.

[talaniman]

Give her some space, it may be a good idea, and pay attention to how she communicates, as that what it really takes.

Keep us posted as it will be interesting to see if she reaches out to you. Without being asked or prodded.

[wolfgangqpublic]

Agree with Tal here - but with add the caveat that if she continues to put distance between you, it may be best to end things on your own terms. You're only three months in - it'll just hurt worse to do it (or have it done) later if it seems inevitable.

[debdoes]

She might be unhappy sometimes... but probably not because of you. Her quietness does not mean unhappiness. It's probably shyness. I'm shy and quiet a lot of the time, but it's just the way I am. It's not like she all of a sudden became quiet towards you, right? You said she has been like that from the beginning. People say that to me all the time, and it's kind of annoying! You gave her the option of whether to end your relationship and she said no. If she wanted to, that would have been the perfect out right there. I wouldn't be with somebody if I didn't want to be. I would suggest talking to her again about it. Maybe you could tell her you need a little more reassurance from her, anything simple like a quick text or something... but then you might come across as being insecure... I don't know.

[confused25]

Thanks you for the help everyone! I'll let you know how things go!