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artlady · Dec 5, 2008, 04:35 PM

Thankfully you are taking the higher road and not putting down Mom in their presence!

How wonderfully refreshing.

So many divorced parents just thrive on using their children as pawns and its very mature and thoughtful of you to not fall into that trap. Kudos to you!

I would have a family meeting and get to the bottom of why this is happening.
Is she being too lax with them ?Do they not show her the respect they show you?
When you have this type of split custody it is vital that both parents are on the same page.
Same rules ,same discipline etc.

You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless... you won't know unless you talk and they
Need to know that you and mom are talking and staying on top of things together.

I had to do the same things with my joint custody and thankfully I really got along well with the Dad and we were always a team when it came to the kids.Its not always easy but the results are worth it.

Best of luck!

frangipanis · Dec 5, 2008, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

Thankfully you are taking the higher road and not putting down Mom in their presence!

How wonderfully refreshing.

So many divorced parents just thrive on using their children as pawns and its very mature and thoughtful of you to not fall into that trap. Kudos to you!!

I would have a family meeting and get to the bottom of why this is happening.
Is she being too lax with them ?Do they not show her the respect they show you?
When you have this type of split custody it is vital that both parents are on the same page.
Same rules ,same discipline etc.

You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless...you won't know unless you talk and they
need to know that you and mom are talking and staying on top of things together.

I had to do the same things with my joint custody and thankfully I really got along well with the Dad and we were always a team when it came to the kids.Its not always easy but the results are worth it.

Best of luck!

I'm really glad you've written, as you're nicely on track with your ex. When my ex and I get together to discuss a parenting plan, we'll be working through something like this:
http://www.relationships.com.au/reso...lets/pplan.pdf

My partner and his ex are able to have long conversations and work together in raising their children, even though she now lives interstate with their two boys - and just this last week their 18 year old daughter who is pregnant and suffers depression went to live with her. My partner is especially good at backing his ex on any disciplinary decisions she makes. He'll listen to his boys if they complain but will then talk with his ex to get her point of view. Even if he sometimes disagree with her, he'll tell the boys they need to listen to her. Although their family life far from perfect, their parents have been on the same page and from what I can observe, it makes a real difference.

liz28 · Dec 5, 2008, 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

T
You have to keep the lines of communication open as parents. Maybe they are telling her they did the homework and she is clueless...you won't know unless you talk and [U]they
Best of luck!

I agree with you that they might be lying to her about the homework but it is up to us as parents to double check. My daughter comes home from school sometimes and would lie and tell me that she didn't get any homework but I don't go by her word. I go get her book bag and guess what I find homework. So I don't really think that she is clueless but maybe she isn't taking the time to check. Also, he mention that she is a teacher so she should know right hand how important school is.

Also, me and my daughter father isn't together and my daughter goes to his house every weekend and he makes sure her homework is done over the weekend and takes time to study with her.

I don't know what is going on with the kids when they are at the other parent household but I agree that the parents should work together because regardless if their together they have to find a way to work together for the kids sake at least until their 18.

Me and my daughter father get along great. I never had to take him to court for child support because he provides for our child. Regardless of why we couldn't make it as a couple we will always be friends. I am currently engage and him and my fiancé gets along because we have no drama. My daughter father is a wonderful man and I am glad that he is her father because some of my friends kids fathers are horrible.

I hope he does come back and if he doesn't I hope that him and his ex works together and solve any issues they have in a civil matter.

artlady · Dec 5, 2008, 05:55 PM

Hay Liz28... was told I have to spread the rep(?) so I am responding this way.
The bottom line is that as parents we always want the same thing ,the happiness and health of our kids .
You are right.. gotta double check.. its amazing the length that kids will go to to get out of a little homework! :)
Little buggers.
I am 54 so mine are grown but I do remember all the tricks and how they try to play one parent against the other.
I am glad you have the friendship that you do with the Dad.. nothing better for your kids than that.It really is a great gift.
Many blessings! Michele

liz28 · Dec 5, 2008, 06:06 PM

Your right Artlady, kids know how to tell tales. You don't know how many times she lied to her dad by telling him she did her homework at home before leaving to go to his house. But what she didn't know was that we talk so he already know she had homework.

That use to scare me on how a child could lie in your face. I guess I know how my mom felt when I did that when I was younger. Now I understand my mother when she used to say "wait until you have kids".

talaniman · Dec 5, 2008, 07:42 PM

Pretty obvious mom, and dad either don't work well together, or don't want to. That's a shame really. Kids tend to suffer that way.

frangipanis · Dec 6, 2008, 04:29 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

That use to scare me on how a child could lie in your face. I guess I know how my mom felt when I did that when I was younger. Now I understand my mother when she used to say "wait until you have kids".

Lol, it can definitely be like that. Have to say, no-one ever asked me to do homework - not once. Seriously, I remember having a large sheet of masonite that I propped against my bedroom wall and using chalk, worked through all sorts of problems on my own for hours on end. I was such a strange kid lol. That all changed in high school... still, it's difficult for me to understand why kids don't find study fun and interesting and just get on with it.

I was also wondering if forgottenin's ex is wanting to encourage her kids to learn to take the initiative themselves, that could be at odds with his approach. It's just a wild guess and probably irrelevant... since the bottom line, as you and Artlady both mentioned, is that you have to actually ask your ex the question to find out what's happening.

It would be interesting if forgottenin joined in again. I've found it helpful finding out about your different experiences on shared care arrangements, or otherwise, and would be curious to know if he's possibly found it helpful as well.

N0help4u · Dec 6, 2008, 10:37 AM

You could talk to the court about this and show them the evidence that they are not doing well in school with this arrangement and present another 50/50 reasonable plan and ask for an amendment.
Like could you ask for them Sunday or Monday night through Friday morning and agree to let her have them on weekends, holidays and week days in the summers? I know that might not feel fair to not have them weekends, holidays and a good bit of the summers but it would be more in the best interest of their school work.

frangipanis · Dec 6, 2008, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You could talk to the court about this and show them the evidence that they are not doing well in school with this arrangement and present another 50/50 reasonable plan and ask for an amendment.
Like could you ask for them Sunday or Monday night through Friday morning and agree to let her have them on weekends, holidays and week days in the summers? I know that might not feel fair to not have them weekends, holidays and a good bit of the summers but it would be more in the best interest of their school work.

As he mentioned feeling unsure about taking her to court given his ex wife's ability to afford a better lawyer, he's probably concerned he may lose more than he gains. Besides, who really wants to spend their adult years in and out of court fighting over custody of the children? If there was blatant evidence of neglect and abuse, then yes. In this case, as far as we know, it comes down to the kids not doing their homework. If every parent who failed to get their children to do their homework was sent to court, imagine what that would be like.

N0help4u · Dec 6, 2008, 11:22 AM

If they can work out an agreement then she shouldn't need a lawyer. If he is interested in the best interest of the children's education then it shouldn't be about what he has to lose.
I was saying try and come up with another 50/50 plan so he wouldn't lose time with them. If he can come up with one and she agrees that it is okay then it shouldn't be a court battle if the Judge agrees to amend it.