[holeinheart21]

Tal, jmw and kctiger, why do you even respond to the ex's? How long has it been since the end of the relationship? The reason I ask, is because in no contact you are supposed to disregard these attempts for them to contact you correct? What good does it do to respond, even in the slightest bit? Is this very situation-based? I just wonder if those who have been screwed over, or have been left by their exes for someone else, or have been cheated on, should consider communicating with their exes? Or is this defeating the purpose of no contact and removing their ex from the lives?

[Grayfox]

I would definitely say its based on each situation. In this situation it could've gone a lot of different ways. I just needed to realize that I didn't want to communicate with her anymore because I want to break the attachment. I won't give her what she wants, but if she chooses to communicate with me under reasonable circumstances then I will be cautious but I will humor her as long as I don't feel like there might be a negative outcome. Im at the point where I don't feel like the relationship has control over me, but rather, I have control over the relationship.

[talaniman]

You don't have to be rude at all. That's not a part of NC. Brief, but polite, and busy and unavailable.

If your focused on you and not her, it's a lot easier to avoid the games, drama, and confusion, and keep your dignity, and self respect intact.

Yes your attitude is a big part of recovery from a break up. If it was a bad one, then disappear.

You can only control yourself, and what you do, so let your actions work in your own favor.

[jmw0713]

It all depends on how you handle everything. If responding your ex puts you in a bad place mentally... then don't do it. Ignore him or her until your at a point where you can honestly feel that you are over them.

It depends on how you handle yourself, your emotions, and what you are doing to move on. Me, I am doing everything I know how to move forward. I stay VERY busy. I proceed through life telling myself everyday that she is not coming back. I proceed forward by telling myself everyday that I will find someone who respects me and my feelings for them. I proceed forward by telling myself everyday that no matter what I could have or should have done, this relationship would have ended the same way. I proceed forward saying to myself "Today is a new day...lets see what happens." I proceed forward not caring what she is doing because she is free to live her life like I am free to live mine. I DON'T CARE what she is doing.

My opinions have no bearing on her life anymore. Her opinions have no bearing on my life anymore. I am doing the same thing she is doing... moving on.

I am not going to tell you I don't feel anything for her at all, I do, but it is the way I handle my feelings for her that have allowed me to respond to any communication in a respectful and polite manner. I am helping myself by Not initiating Contact and she is helping me by Not Constantly Contacting me. I think I have only talked to her 3 times in the last 3 months.

Since I am doing all of these things for myself and for my best interests, when I do get the random communications from my ex, they really don't affect me anymore. They definitely don't affect me like they would have even a few months ago. Like I said before, she is only an acquaintance at best. I do not try and analyze why she is calling me. I don't try and interpret anything she is saying. By NOT doing any of that, I completely take false hope out of the equation and treat her the way I treat any other acquaintance.

Now actually meeting up with her... well that's where I draw my line. I KNOW I couldn't do that right now. So you know what, I'm not going to until I am ready... if ever.

[holeinheart21]

All of your responses make sense. Not to highjack your post Grayfox, but maybe you can give some input or get some info from what the people comment on this.
So, It was a bad one (If you want to you can read my last thread for more info). It Ended with her talking to another guy through text messaging, that her friend had set her up with, while we were on the first night of our vacation(which she begged me to go on. She lied to me the night before we went, and also admitted she was a pathological liar and had a problem, but wanted to change that) working on our relationship(and lying about it, she didn't tell me but I was able to tell something was up) because she wanted to prove how much she loved me and that she was terribly sorry for all the lies and the way she treated me. I forgave her then, and then three days after the trip ended it with me, with no reasons. I went no contact, even she said that if someone had done to her, what she did to me, then she would forget them and never talk to them and move on.

Well naturally I did no contact until she decided to contact me to see how I was about a month after. We had casual conversation, but I couldn't keep it up, because all of a sudden all of the terrible thing she did to me starting clicking in my mind, especially the deal with the vacation. So I cut it off, told her that I was respecting her new situation and it would be best if we didn't talk. She deleted me from Facebook and that was that.

Now about three weeks later, I see her and she writes me a text again, telling me she wanted to say hey, but didn't because I didn't want to talk to her. Makes no sense to me, other than the explanation that many have had, that this is all part of her manipulative ways and games, and that she can't fill the void that is in her life, because I cutoff the communication and she has to deal with what she has done, and doesn't like that I can leave it wrong and she can't fix it.

The problem is though, that I know I should prob stay no contact, and as many have said, she doesn't deserve me comunicating with her ever again and she is still the negative person she was, as someone put it, she is a dumptruck full of terrible negative things, but it is hard for me to put someone out of my life like that. Emotions in my head make me feel as though I could overlook the lying, and so forth, but still the fact of what she did on our vacation still sticks in my mind. It is tough to overlook that, and especially since she is still with the guy. I feel rude not responding for some reason. My emotions are so mixed inside, and I am having difficulty as to how to deal with this.

[Grayfox]

Dude, it sounds like you have dealt with this situation pretty well so far. You've kept your dignity and managed to cause her some bother, which she deserves every ounce of. It sounds to me like you are in a better situation than you were, you just don't realize it yet. Right now you have feelings for someone because they were there and because of what you had, but you don't realize that you will be happier in the long run without them. Definitely keep up no contact. She will probably even try to contact you more, right now she's happy go lucky because she replaced you with someone else and doesn't have the face the feelings that you are, yet she admits that if she were you she wouldn't talk to herself? Anyway, if that's what shed do, that's what you should do. Maybe she'll regret her hasty decision in time. Hopefully by then, you'll realize you don't need her. It didn't take me long at all to realize my ex was on a path I didn't want to share, and I still have to see her practically every day. For some reason at this point, I know she's not right, I've spent some time dealing with it, and now I'm not going to give up. Really give your situation some thought. She ruined it, forced you into the siutation you're in now, you're dealing with it effectively, so you should keep it up not only because trying will get you no where but hurt, but because you owe it to yourself to prove that these feelings will pass and you will be happier without her.

[Grayfox]

Haha, little update today. While coming back from the store I ran into my ex on my hall in my dorm building. I immediately come out of the elevator, see her, and just look the other way trying to hurry myself to my room. Its like a shock wave hits me whenever I see her, I hate it. Anyway, she looked nervous but came up to me and started saying she was just getting ready to come talk to me and wanted to know if I'm OK (again) I just kept walking and said that I was fine and there is nothing to talk about. She then left as I was walking away very quickly.

Just want to make sure I handled that all right, I wasn't trying to be rude, but I honestly had no idea how to deal with that situation, and I wasn't about to start a face-to-face conversation with her without any time to think or desire to frankly.

[talaniman]

Busy, and in a hurry, so unavailable, or, not sure, so kept going, same results, no long conversations, and you weren't rude. Works for me.

The bottom line is you didn't make yourself available, for drama, or confusion, or looking in her eyes, and bawling like a baby. Mission accomplished.

[kctiger]

You did fine. I swear to you, ex girlfriends will find a way to bump into you and, pardon my expression, piss in your Cherios from time to time. Just say high and move on. I was out having a good time with my friends this weekend at a bar that I would have bet money my ex wouldn't be at... low and behold, guess who taps me on my shoulder. I handled it well, but then gathered my friends and left the bar.

Whenever you see them, just be classy and quick, then move the hell out ASAP. The less you talk, the less your mind will draw conclusions or make you wonder!