[plexus]

Hi there. I wanted to get your perspectives on my situation. I am 42 and she is 40. We met 3 months ago and have been enjoying a pretty good relationship. We've noticed how well we can communicate and work through issues. We really enjoy each others time and we feel the buds of love forming. Its been pretty good. We went on a trip together. When we got back, 3 weeks ago, she has been focused on finding issues with me. They aren't major things and they all revolve around her feeling like I am not considerate to her or including her in my life. The thing is I am very loving and focused on her. I don't push her away and include her in my life with whatever I am doing. When these issues come up, we talk like we have but then it escalates. I feel she is escalating it. Acknowledging the issues, expressing responsibility and looking for ways I can make her happy and she can widen her tolerance don't seem to cut it anymore. In fact when we get to this point in the conversations she voraciously talks over me, inturrupts me and essentially takes my voice away. She has even told me that she doesn't care what I have to say. Then, she usually starts defaming my character. "are you the king of guy that would..." do this and that, totally hypothetical things that have no bearing on who I am. Last Sunday we got into one of these and I could not get a word in at all. Then she started with the defaming. I lost it. I went into fight/flight and left and said it was over. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I guess at the time I thought that I would need a clean cut but then the next day, as it would usually go, I realized I made a mistake. So I emailed her apologizing and expressing my remorse and she said she didn't have anything to say. We emailed sporadically over the week and her last reply said she thinks it would easier to talk once she has her thoughts sorted out. That she "hopes she is thinking we can work it out." but then "my head is also flipping between the other things you mentioned. I'm trying to keep perspective.".

I'm trying to be patient. But is not my nature to not talk. I think talking and communicating are KEY. So I am resisting calling her.

I know on this site that the standard response to a breakup/get back together scenario is, don't just cut it off. But I think this is different. I think that she is trying to find reasons for it to end because she scared. Its only been 3 months and those fears and insecurities are setting in. I have them too. I think its important to work together on them. Other than the last 3 weeks things have been really good. Our 10 day trip to europe after only knowing each other 2 months was also a lot of fun we both agreed on that. We expressed how great it was that we were able to do that only knowing each other for such a short time.

What are your thoughts?

[JohnD212]

Well the most important thing to remember is you can't control her and how she thinks. I understand how you approach a relationship but sadly... if she runs from it after a fight... then you can't do anything about that. Give her as much space as she needs. A real relationship and love wouldn't be so easily lost. We all know that.

She knows you're sorry. You've said what you can. She is most likely caught in that victim haze right now where she feels good knowing you did her wrong. My opinion... the only thing you should do is no contact. The more attention you give her... the more you contact her... the more you push her away.

Do the right thing.

[roxypox]

When I read your post the first thought that hit me about her way of talking to you is that:
1. she is testing you (i.e. if I do\say this will he still be here)
2. she is actually, for whatever reason, trying to push you away.

Of course I don't know her personally so its hard to tell why she is defaming your character etc.

Like John d said: maybe you should give her space and go to no contact. Although I understand that this might be hard to do. Give her time to think and to figure out what she wants to do.

This will give you time to think as well.

[ZoeMarie]

I'm going to agree with giving her space and no contact. If you've known her for 3 months and you're having these kinds of fights, that's not a good sign. And to be totally honest, I don't think that you were totally in the wrong for leaving. How much of her over-reacting are you going to put up with? It sounds to me like you learned a lot more about each other in the 10 days you were on vacation together and maybe that's why things have gotten the way they are.

[plexus]

Update: on Sunday I was typing out an email to a friend explaining what had happened. Towards the end of the email I typed "maybe i should call her" - with that I got this sudden feeling like I should call her. So I did. I apologized up front for calling and breaking her request for solitude. She said "thats ok". We spoke for 4.5 hours. In the conversation we covered a lot of things including what happened, why and we openly and calmly talked about some other issues and the general sense of what is going on with us. Then I went over to her place and we watched some TV, ate some good cheese and made love.

Sometimes no contact is not the way to go. I think it's a good rule of thumb but in general you have to trust your instincts and that means not letting fears or anger get in the way of a solid gut feeling.

I think what she was doing was a combination of: 1) subconsciously testing our relationship, 2) self-sabotage, and 3) trying to work out exactly how she felt, after being smothered in all the emotions of it. I also thing she might suffer from some depression or mild bipolar disorder. If she is depressed now, which I think, that can cloud her thinking. She is very tired as well which is a sign.

Yes I know what depression and bipolar are all about. We are still learning about each other it remains to be seen if this has "legs". I do know that when we are calm we can have the most amazing communication discourse. So I am going to work with her to ensure we discuss things calmly and understand that if either of us is agitated that we have to stop and talk later. Some couples use a "safe word" for this purpose - when said, it is agreed that the conversation ends and resumes later when both are feeling calm.

Lots to learn about each other...

Thanks so much for you advice and I am sure I'll be back here from time to time. ;)

[JohnD212]

Update: on sunday i was typing out an email to a friend explaining what had happened. towards the end of the email i typed "maybe i should call her" - with that i got this sudden feeling like i should call her. so i did. i apologized up front for calling and and breaking her request for solitude. she said "thats ok". we spoke for 4.5 hours. in the conversation we covered a lot of things including what happened, why and we openly and calmly talked about some other issues and the general sense of what is going on with us. then i went over to her place and we watched some tv, ate some good cheese and made love.

sometimes no contact is not the way to go. i think its a good rule of thumb but in general you have to trust your instincts and that means not letting fears or anger get in the way of a solid gut feeling.

i think what she was doing was a combination of: 1) subconsciously testing our relationship, 2) self-sabotage, and 3) trying to work out exactly how she felt, after being smothered in all the emotions of it. i also thing she might suffer from some depression or mild bipolar disorder. if she is depressed now, which i think, that can cloud her thinking. she is very tired as well which is a sign.

yes i know what depression and bipolar are all about. we are still learning about each other it remains to be seen if this has "legs". i do know that when we are calm we can have the most amazing communication discourse. so i am going to work with her to ensure we discuss things calmly and understand that if either of us is agitated that we have to stop and talk later. some couples use a "safe word" for this purpose - when said, it is agreed that the conversation ends and resumes later when both are feeling calm.

lots to learn about each other...

thanks so much for you advice and i am sure i'll be back here from time to time. ;)

Things could be said right now but we'll just leave you with this thread if/when you need to return. Remember though... no contact doesn't stop a relationship from starting again. It would not have stopped the two of you from getting back together. If you had done it correctly you would have realized it was to make you a better person for yourself first, your ex if that happened or the next person you met.

Glad it worked out for you. I would caution one thing... its never good to "test" your relationship and if that's what she did... I caution you to be careful. A relationship is a wonderful, powerful thing when it's healthy... and it's a destructive force like none I've seen when it goes bad.

Cheers!

[plexus]

I agree. And I am only speculating about the testing. I think we all test our relationships subconsciously to some degree or another. Actually consciously testing a relationship would be an awful thing to do. But if its subconscious, I don't think its harmful.

The most important thing is to communicate. If a relationship is actually over, that is if someone said they want it over, then I would say that no contact is a good policy. But if it's a case of "limbo" I think attempts at communicating are better than no contact. But it depends on both parties abilities to do this.

[JohnD212]

If she means that much to you... and your relationship is truly returning to happiness... may I suggest couples counseling? It can't hurt and in the long run... I suspect you'll have much better odds of staying together with professional advice.

[plexus]

Yes that is a good suggestion that I had thought about. But we are only 3 months in and I think I'd like to proceed a little more and then suggest it. I can actually get about 5-6 sessions for free through my work benefits. Its very good.