[2stressed]

My husband and I have been married for over 7 years. Throughout that 7 years we've constantly fought over the same 2 problems. The first problem is my in-laws and the second is my husband having a hard time trusting me. He grew up in a house where his mother smoked pot and everybody enabled her to do what she wanted. There was a lot of lying and a lot of deceit, it's been hard for him to trust them or anyone for that matter because of his past. Neither him or I have been close to them, because they have always tried to create problems in our relationship. So we've pretty much kept a distance from them, where we would only see them about once a month or so. This past summer my mother-in-law and my husband got into a bit of an argument. She stated she was hurt because she was unable to babysit our children. My husband responded saying since she uses drugs she will never be able to watch the kids. She obviously told my father-in-law that she was hurt that she wasn't allowed to watch the kids and my parents were. Then all of a sudden a couple of months ago he decided to make up a terrible lie. He told my husband that my father was the one selling my mother-in-law drugs. My husband was obviously shocked. He told my husband not to tell anyone. So, my husband kept it from me for a couple of days until finally he spilled everything. Come to find out the whole story was a LIE. My father-in-law claims he was also jealous that my parents were closer to our children and they were able to babysit, so he thought if he told my husband that story my husband and I would stay away from my family. How crazy, huh? My husband flipped out and told him he didn't want to talk to him again. Then three days later, he flips out on me and says he knows I'm having an affair, etc, etc. I was shocked, he kicked me out. So the kids and I stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks. Obviously I've never had an affair, or nothing. We went back, under the agreement that he would get some help. He said he wanted to get help, because he feels like he can't trust anybody. So about a month ago we started going to marriage counseling. The counselor told us to not talk to his family right now and that they were completely dysfunctional. She told my husband that we are his family now and he needs to work on this relationship before he can work on his relationship with his parents. He agreed to keep his distance, especially since they have tried to split us up several times. Long story short, a couple of days ago we got into an argument, I left with the kids. He threatened to take my money and he did and then I find out that he called his family and went over there just to make a point. Once again he tried to make me look like the bad guy. He went around his dad after never telling him how hurt he was and just acted like nothing happened. I am so upset, how come he takes everything out on me when I've never lied to him or anything? He gave me back my stuff later that night after I had to tell him I would speak to a lawyer. He's obviously so confused, he says that we're not going to go around, but the second we're fighting he wants to go around and make it look like it's me when he told me to stay away from them too. Does anybody have any advice about what to do now? Meanwhile he wants to get back together but I don't know how I can when he keeps adding more problems to our situation. We were starting to work on our problems without the in-laws being involved and now we're back with them adding to the drama. I am staying with my family now I just don't know what to do.

[talaniman]

Pretty obvious your counselor hasn't taught you how to constructively disagree, and work through those disagreements.

The wrong thing to do is walk out, take the kids, and go home. He doesn't have that luxury, (does it any way) so why should you?

Knowing when to back off, and keep things cool, is a valuable tool in a marriage, and one you need. This takes you both to know when not to cross the line, you both have defined.

No problems get resolved over night, and when things escalate, extreme behavior occurs.

What does your counselor recommend, just curious.

[2stressed]

I haven't been able to get ahold of the counselor, we have an appt this week. I think it is definitely too soon to go home.

[talaniman]

Not a good sign, that you haven't worked together, through honest communications, problems that have been there for 7 years.

Maybe you both have individual issues to deal with that neither of you can help the other with.

Separation is a good option at this time, but there is a lot of work to do before resuming living together.

[2stressed]

Thanks so much for your response

[N0help4u]

It sounds like he is trying to play blame games and 'I have more people on my side'. Until you two figure out a way to cut through the games and genuinely love each other enough to make it work it isn't going to get anywhere. You do need to learn how to have disagreements and resolve them without all the drama and games.
One rule should be to leave family out of it. It only puts more of a strain on things. Also, when a guy accuses you of cheating that usually means either he is guilty of cheating or he has insecurity issues. All you can do is reassure him by being honest and very open about you and possibly asking him questions to make him realize how stupid the accusations are.
For example, ask him 'Oh yeah so WHEN do you think I cheated?'
He replies 'When you went to the grocery store last Thursday.'
You ask 'And how did I have time when it took me 15 minutes to get there and back, I bought $149. Worth of groceries,
Got gas and was back home within an hour and a half.'
Sometimes a conversation like that will get them to realize how unrealistic their idea that you are cheating is.