[Mr. Curious]

We aren't open when talking about sex. She never says mum during. Oh, maybe an occasional low hmmmm during. We both know I reach a climax, but I don't know if she does or even has. How do I approach her on this subject? What should I ask her? Like I said, she's not open about these sexual matters and I don't want to offend her. I'm so curious. Any suggestions. :confused:

[valinors_sorrow]

Call me old fashioned but it often amazes me that folks can do something as powerfully intimate and vulnerable as sex :eek: and yet stall out in the talking part. That wasn't meant to be disrespectful, just a small offering of a little context and persepctive, okay? :)

Begin by telling her your truth... that you would like to talk about sex with her. Ease into it by assuring her there is nothing wrong, but that you think it's a worthy topic for two people who care about each other to discuss. If she begins to look jammed up, encourage her by pointing out that surely folks who are doing it ought to be able to talk about it, right? :p That might bring a little laugh, be sure to laugh with her. Laughing is good to release nervousness! Then ask her if this is possible for her to do and if so, what might offend her in a conversation. She will likely tell you so listen and if you don't understand something, ASK. Hopefully that gets you off to a fine start ha ha ha. ;)

PS - Often its just the starting it, the breaking of the ice that is hard too!

[Depressed in MO]

Just do something that you KNOW pleasures her and right in the middle of it look at her and say "Yeah baby, how does that feel?" while you're still rubbing/licking whatever on her... That should get an answer out of her for you.

[kp2171]

First - figure out a way to talk about it.

I've seen different responses.

One girl was NEVER vocal at all but when it hit her she kind of did this thing where it was like her pelvic and lower torso muscles would spasm, and shed kind of hold her breath.

Try oral. This is where you really can get help from her (what she likes) if shell give it. Usually when I've seen someone climax orally they'll push you away because the feeling is so intense that more stimulation can be too much. The downside is that I think what one woman likes orally can be different from another (just like intercourse) so again, there's just no substitute for a little direction.

I dated one girl who hated the idea of giving any direction during sex. Until she did. And it helped us find an absolute hit out of the park almost every time "trick" for her. Not really a trick at all, just the right kind of stim at the right time. Unfortunately the next woman HATED it. Oh well. All part of the fun.

If you're only doing intercourse do you always run the show? Is she ever on top? Different positions do diff things. Many guys when young, myself included, start with the "SHOCK AND AWE" approach, pounding away like morons without a clue. Well its true. I've really never brought a girl to climax this way, but maybe that's just me or the women I've been with. Or just me.

And, as I've mentioned here before, what works best for me only occasionally (at best) gets my woman off. Most of the time I need to focus on her and hold back if we are really both going to get to that spot... and sometimes you hold back and you lose it but she gets there. Yippie.

But the biggest thing has already been mentioned. You need to find a way to open this up to discussion. Maybe one night simply tell her at the beginning that this night is all about her. Start with a nice massage and ask her if it feels nice. That can start her talking perhaps. Get her relaxed, take your time. You didn't state whether oral is an option with you. If it is, again you should be able to slowly progress and occasionally ask her if it feels good... should it be softer, harder, etc.

If its intercourse try to mix up the stimulation. There isn't just one errogenous zone and stim a few diff ones and changing it up can help build up the tension.

The more you can get her to talk about it the better off you both will be.

[Mr. Curious]

Good Idea,maybe if I open up more, she will as well

[Mr. Curious]

I'm not opposed to oral, but she's so sensitive that she uses extra amount of lubricant, that I have to wear a lot of it off a little before I go there. When I do go there, she's just a inanimated and I don't want to bore her.

[DrJ]

First things first... open the lines of communication. Tell her that you want to be more open about your sex life. Let her know that you are concerned about how little the communication is and that you want it to be something that you can share together.

[kp2171]

Lack of natural lubrication can be a result of a number of things, but if foreplay and oral before lubricant isn't getting her naturally lubricated then maybe she isn't getting what she needs, which is where the communication comes in play. Now she might also simply need more lubricant regardless of her mental/physical state. You say she is not animated during oral. Does she do nothing? Not caress herself at all? I did date one girl who I could never, ever excite orally. The next guy she dated could (we were still close friends and talked about sex and dating others) so there was just something I didn't get that he did that she couldn't or didn't ask for. Oh well.

Generally I would use lubricant only after oral if she was mentally ready for sex but physically needed the lubricant... but like I said, I'm sure there are people who simply need to use more generally.

You never stated whether some positions are better than others for her response. Is she more animated on top? That can hit the c1itoral region. From behind can stim g spot more and if she self stimulates c1itoral that might be good. Also, a few of the ladies here swear that the man standing and the womon mounted with her legs around his hips is a killer position for both g spot and c1itoral.

[valinors_sorrow]

I'm not opposed to oral, but she's so sensitive that she uses extra amount of lubricant, that I have to wear a lot of it off a little before I go there. When I do go there, she's just a inanimated and I don't want to bore her.

Hmmmm. Your description of her is beginning to ring a few bells for me.

I could have easily been described like that at one time. And I did not want to talk about it either because I sitting on a big psychological problem that I was ashamed of so I was hiding it, denying it and hoping he wouldn't notice. Sexual abuse does some really wicked stuff. This is still a little difficult to talk about even today. Please be prepared that, if you talk about it with her and she reveals something along those line, that you will help her find help.

I would have never sought the help I got had it not been for a very caring man who broke the ice with me, and then lovingly insisted I get help. I will never forget his kindness.

[Depressed in MO]

Dude, all you got to do no matter what is get her **** to wiggle while you are doing her or whatever. Just make sure it rubs against your skin whenever you on top or bottom whatever. That will make her wet, that will make her ***. And you will know it.

[Chery]

There could be many other underlying reasons, and one good one suggested by valinors..

The others could be medications. Some of the medications that inhibit arousal are beta blockers (heart medication) antihistamines (sinus medication - those that dry up the sinuses - well they can dry up other parts), and then of course there are antidepressants - they can put a damper on many things that we normally produce.

I'm sure that there are other medications out there that inhibit.. so ask her if she's on any of them on a regular basis.

This issue is a lot more common than what we read or hear - it is just something we women don't like to admit. I think it's very caring of you to want to ensure that she's satisfied - and not just caring about yourself. I don't think that you're boring her - she probably has a few 'inhibitors' either physical or mental and just has not met the right man to help her discover them.

A relationship has a chance if you both discover more about each other than just the body. The mind has a heck of a lot to do with your emotional equilibrium and sexual satisfaction.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

[Mr. Curious]

I think we both like her riding. Recently, with her driving and me going with her cadence where the tip(maybe fist inch and a half of my penis) is entered and withdrawn completely, reinserted, withdrawn, and so on and so on... my be stimulating her the most get the most reaction(not vocally) but action on her part. I'm on the small side and the amount of my penis being used in this scenario helps me last longer and her most animated. If I could just get a couple "yes, yes, yes" or something vocal in that manner, it would make me feel like things are "almost there. I may come out next time this is happening and say(as someone else suggested) "like that Honey?".

[DrJ]

Before you just starting getting vocal with her out of the blue, I strongly suggest bringing it up outside of the bedroom (or at least out of the bed). What I mean is that you should get the lines of communication before you just start doing something out of the ordinary. You don't know why she is this way and something like that could really set her off and ruin the whole thing. Once that happens, it can be a hard road just to get back to where you are now.

So first, try talking with her... not while your having sex. And not right after you just had sex. But find sometime that you two are just talking and just bring it up. Find out where she's at.

You never know... "like that, Honey" could be exactly what the person said to her that put her in this mindset... if that is the case. You should really beware of that sort of thing.

At least if you bring it up, it will not be a surprise to her if you start to try or do new things. But if its just out of the blue... I have seen girls take that COMPLETELY the wrong way!

[Chery]

I think we both like her riding. Recently, with her driving and me going with her cadence where the tip(maybe fist inch and a half of my penis) is entered and withdrawn completely, reinserted, withdrawn, and so on and so on...... my be stimulating her the most get the most reaction(not vocally) but action on her part. I'm on the small side and the amount of my penis being used in this scenario helps me last longer and her most animated. If I could just get a couple "yes, yes, yes" or something vocal in that manner, it would make me feel like things are "almost there. I may come out next time this is happening and say(as someone else suggested) "like that Honey?".

Believe it or not, we are not all VOCAL. Has it ever dawned on you that those vocal girls you've had just might have faked it? They could have learned all that vocal stuff in movies, but in reality, it's not important.

It's the swelling inside, the muscles enclosing your penis, the red glow on her face, and don't forget the change in breathing, taking the lead when on top - does she rush it or does she 'glow'?. Hello.. do you notice things like that?

Once you've discovered these things, and are assured that there is a 'reaction' you can later talk about being vocal - if she even wants to be vocal in bed.

We women don't always want to hear a 'yeah, baby, that's good' right in the middle, sometimes we just like to enjoy the feeling, and then compliment afterwards with cuddling, kisses, and maybe a cigarette.

Just as it's been suggested before, talk about things outside of the bedroom. And by all means, try to discover together what you like about each other outside of sex.. then things should fall in place.

[Mr. Curious]

Out of the bedroom? We're talking about a person that very rarely says a word about what goes on behind closed doors. It's part of her upbringing and I'm shure she never ever had any idea about any the goings on sexually in her parents life. She's mine for life. I'm not boasting, but I am 100% sure I have been her only sexual partner.

[Chery]

Out of the bedroom? We're talking about a person that very rarely says a word about what goes on behind closed doors. It's part of her upbringing and I'm shure she never ever had any idea about any the goings on sexually in her parents life. She's mine for life. I'm not boasting, but I am 100% sure I have been her only sexual partner.

Buddy, in this short answer of yours... you've just said it all in a nutshell. Now, if you need further help, just let us know.

If she needs further help, let her in on this site and tell her we'll be there for her.


This little guy is so cute, I just had to use him here.

[valinors_sorrow]

Well for what its worth, I have been and remain so totally silent and very subtle in my expression of sexual bliss. It is just how I am. The last thing girls like me want is to be picked on because our plate is already full. I would not only resent it if a man had tried to make me some other way, but it would also ruin the moment and drive me into deeper silence. On the other hand, I have slowly learned to talk openly about it but it still takes some gentle coaxing from my beloved to do so. Talking about it here is also challenging. If she is like this, I believe you are in for a hard time.

[Mr. Curious]

She's never seen this site, and I rarely solicit opinions, but thought I like to hear what others had to say on subject. Thank you for your honesty. I'll handle with kid glove and hopefully get her to open up a little. But, if not, can live with it and her.

[excon]

Out of the bedroom? We're talking about a person that very rarely says a word about what goes on behind closed doors. It's part of her upbringing and I'm shure she never ever had any idea about any the goings on sexually in her parents life.

Hello Mr. Curious:

YOU are missing something, and you know it, or you wouldn't have posted your question. You and your wife are sexually repressed. You know why your wife is. You said so just above. Ok, it's time to change...

Frankly, I seriously doubt your last statement, that you can live with it. If it bothers you now, it's going to bother you MORE later – much more.

Kid gloves, HELL. This is your wife - not an employee!! This is INTIMACY we're talking about here. Kid gloves is NOT required for intimacy. As a matter of fact, if you find that you need to use "kid gloves", before you speak to her, then the conversation that results does NOT approach intimacy.

You need to learn about that, and you're not going to learn it here. Marriage counseling is the place to go.

I know you suspect there's another way. Let me give you, within the confines of propriety, some insight into what you're missing.

MOST of my conversations with my mate eventually turn to sex. I tell her ALL about what I want from her. We reminisce about what we did last time and I suggest what we're going to do next time. I tell her about the huge erection she gives me. She tells me how wet she gets. She wears crotchless panties. We make love in the hallway when I get home. We make love on the kitchen sink, on the freeway, in the woods, and surly we'll find more places. Does she orgasm?? Uhhhhh, yup. Loudly, too.

Now, I know that we may be over the top (although I don't think so), but you MUST at least find a middle ground, well beyond where you are now.

excon

[DrJ]

Out of the bedroom? We're talking about a person that very rarely says a word about what goes on behind closed doors. It's part of her upbringing and I'm shure she never ever had any idea about any the goings on sexually in her parents life. She's mine for life. I'm not boasting, but I am 100% sure I have been her only sexual partner.

Well, the point was that you don't talk about it right before you are about to have sex and DEFINITELY not right after. With the way she is, you don't want her to thing that anything is "wrong" but you want to open her up to the possibility of making things even better. It's a very delicate situation.

Im curious... if you don't mind, what is the age range we are talking about here? Advice would definitely be different if you were 20 as opposed to 40? (nothing personal... its just different eras lead to different beliefs about sex. There are certain ways that you need to approach this to do it correctly)