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brian1231 · Nov 24, 2008, 05:26 AM

Threads merged
I've been talking with this girl I've met at church for about a month now. Mutual friends seem to think she likes me (she hasn't told them anything specifically about me), I get mixed signals. I was wondering how I am handling this/looking for tips + advice.

This girl is fairly shy and pretty religious. She has had a boyfriend before, but doesn't seem like she dates very much at all.

The good
- I seem to catch glances from her/she positions herself around me (ie sits next to me when we watch a movie in a group/always sits by me when we eat in a group)
- Always asks me if I am going to random xxx group event, invites me to random xxx group events.
- The other day I was talking to her best friend about her boyfriend and her friend immediately began asking me if I had a girlfriend. I said no. She asked if I liked anyone, I said maybe. Then she asked if I liked anyone at church. I said maybe to that as well.

The bad
- Last week I called her and mentioned I'd really had the urge to eat xxx for dinner that night, and ask if she was in the mood for it. She kind of danced around the question and pretty much finally said that it would be better if we could get a few people to go.
- A couple times when I called her (she was really busy) she took a few days to call me back
- When we part ways, I've never even gotten a hug until last night when I initiated one (it was pretty weak on her end) and she is a very huggy person.

We are def getting to know each other, and things are progressing, but VERY slowly. I'd like to keep getting to know her, but also avoid the dreaded friendzone. Other than some slight Kino and asking her to dinner, to be fair, I haven't made my intentions really known. The only Kino I've really done was yesterday when I'd randomly put my arm around her, rubbed her back gently and she didn't pull away, but didn't really respond back. I did play some wrestling types of fun + goofy games like that with her, and she laughed quite a bit + had fun, so I know she is not totally disgusted by me lol.

Thoughts/suggestions?

Eileen1218 · Nov 24, 2008, 11:07 AM

It sounds like you're on the right track. I think that if you just keep going as you are you have a good chance of having her for a GF.
Also you mentioned that she is quite religious and it seems that she's fine and happy to be with you in a social environment. I think she just wants to know you better so she can trust you to go out alone on a date... that you'll not make any passes at her. You should show her that you are a gentleman and you respect her a lot.
Really hope this helps:)

talaniman · Nov 24, 2008, 11:47 AM

Keep getting to know each other, and if its going well down the road, and she seems comfortable, then ask her out.

There is no hurry, so don't rush or assume anything. Just pay attention, and see what happens. To early to over think, or put a lot of time, and efforts in to this.

The worst you can do, is rush into something she isn't ready for, so keep your life balanced, with other areas of your life.

brian1231 · Nov 26, 2008, 08:08 AM

Great advice, especially again from you TAL. I am trying to keep my life balanced. Every time I spend time with her, I see her opening up to me more/getting to know her better. I am just trying to walk the fine line of not rushing into things, but not getting friendzoned either.

brian1231 · Dec 11, 2008, 06:03 AM

Threads merged
I've been having fun and dating several girls in the last couple of months (nothing exclusive) and have a few that I KNOW like me. However, this one girl I've been "hanging out" with on and off since really the end of October has really taken my interest (we've both been out of town a lot, so it's hard to get together).

This girl is pretty religious and on the shy side when it comes to dating and stuff, and I am not sure that she likes me more than just a friend. However, I get "vibes" from her that she likes me. IE her best friend being inquisitive out of the blue and asking if I have a girlfriend, if I like anyone she knows, this girl is always willing to hang out with me whenever I ask her and she is around etc... Amongst other "vibes" that I get

We've got to know each other, and I was hoping to take it to the "We are atleast both interested in each other phase" if that makes sense to anyone? I am by no means wanting to get down on one knee and profess my undying love to this girl or anything like that, but also want to begin escalating this or move on.

Any tips on the best way to do this without making things weird/awkward? This girl goes to my church so I'd like to keep things from getting weird.

I was thinking of asking her to do something fun this weekend and then on the way home telling her that her friend made it clear that someone she knows likes me and asking this girl if she knows who that is. Suggestions?

kctiger · Dec 11, 2008, 06:43 AM

Just ask her out... send her some flowers (not roses) or something. Be spontaneous. Go for it man!

talaniman · Dec 13, 2008, 09:53 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...zd-284549.html

If this is the female, you just pay her more attention, and the others less. And then just tell her how you feel, and see if she feels the same.

brian1231 · Dec 13, 2008, 07:06 PM

Tal > Yes it is the same female. I am seeing wishy-washy signals from this girl. Yea, I know. Wishy-washy = low interest.

For instance, I sent her a txt yesterday asking if she was in town this weekend. She didn't respond back, but called me today asking if I could help her move some stuff in her apartment tomorrow. Makes me feel like I am being used a bit.

If she start sending me good signals, I will straight up ask her to dinner. If not, then it is her loss.

neverme · Dec 13, 2008, 07:11 PM

Sounds like she likes you but is afraid of getting hurt.. go for it I say. Do something romantic.

The worst is that she isn't interested but is flattered and you can continue being friends. Things only get awkward if you do. If it ends up that she doesn't like you then continue acting the way you did before and things will go back to normal.

catsman_123 · Dec 13, 2008, 07:20 PM

You should give subtle hints that you like her, and see how she responds. If she indeed does like you, play hard to get. Try to let her see you with other women, and let her see what you are worth. Then if she is about to turn off, show that you are interested and ask her out. It has always worked for me. Good luck

neverme · Dec 13, 2008, 07:28 PM

Originally Posted by catsman_123

you should give subtle hints that you like her, and see how she responds. if she indeed does like you, play hard to get. try to let her see you with other women, and let her see what you are worth. then if she is about to turn off, show that you are interested and ask her out. it has always worked for me. good luck

This type of behaviour plays on the insecurities all people have. Not Nice and Unfair.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2008, 11:18 PM

Me, I give her a hand. Never have I expect "good signals from a female". Maybe dinner is not the way to spark interest, but helping her move, may reveal something you need to know.

You get an address at least!

brian1231 · Dec 14, 2008, 12:19 AM

Thanks for the advice all. I've been over to her place a few times. I've hung out with her 1:1 a few times before. IE last week I asked what she was doing one night, and she said she had to run xxx errands, but would like me to come with her. So I know there is at least some interest, even if just on the friendship level.

However, I am just looking to spark things up to the "i know we are atleast both interested level"

From speaking with her, I can tell she is still at least somewhat hurt from a previous relationship. If she still needs time, Id like to give it to her. However, I just want to know where I stand and if there is any potential.

brian1231 · Dec 15, 2008, 08:03 AM

Quick update: I helped her move, then spent a few hours with her at a church party. I drove her home and then we just ended up talking for 4-5 hours until we both got pretty tired. We got to know each other pretty well. We talked about our pasts, what we want in life etc... We both seem to have a lot in common. She was pretty complimentary told me and told me how much she enjoys talking to me etc...

I have a couple of gift certificates to really $$$ restaurants, so I was going to invite her to one.

We are both going to be away for about a month where I won't get to see her. She asked if I wanted to get together to do homework one night this week (we go to different schools/very different programs so I know she is not just looking for HW help). I immediately responded that we should do something else and that Id like to surprise her. I was thinking of taking her to a really $$$ place to eat (she really doesn't have much of a clue what we are doing, I am going to call her today and just say "I am going to wear a suit tie, so you might want to dress accordingly. Ill pick you up at xxx")

I don't plan on getting too heavy, just keeping it light and casual and having fun.

Should I change plans and do something else? Thoughts?

kctiger · Dec 15, 2008, 08:06 AM

Just quit over analyzing and do what you think is right...

brian1231 · Jan 2, 2010, 10:26 AM

Threads merged

I've been dating this girl for about a year now. Things have been pretty good between us. We didn't have any significant fights the entire time we were together. This have been going well for us as of late. A few weeks ago she told me she loved me.

Last night, we began to talk about things. She will be graduating soon (we are both in our mid 20s) and may need to move away for a job. I told her that while I am not ready to get married, I would like for us to get a bit more serious. She said that she is scared right now of anything serious (not with me, but with anyone). She is scared of things like settling down, buying a house etc... Really anything "adult" and serious To me, us staying together was just a waste of time. If things are not going anywhere, then it is a wasted relationship to me.

We had our talk and then slept next to each other last night. I woke up all throughout the night to hear her whimpering and crying. In the morning, she looked like a trainwreck. We spoke a bit more this morning. We both told each other how much we would miss each other and how much we enjoyed being together and how much we loved each other. She did not want to let go of me and finally I kissed her and left. I could hear her crying as I left the room.

Right now, I am just numb from this entire experience. I know I did the right thing, but considering how we left things and how I know we feel about each other, things do not make a whole lot of sense to me right now.

redhed35 · Jan 2, 2010, 10:50 AM

Why did you break up again?

So she did not want to make any plans to get married next week,but things change,relationships develop and grow.

Seems like she was very upset,and you too.

After nearly a year together,she tells you she loves you,so she had a pretty good idea about you and did not rush into it.

I'm not quite sure on what to advice you.

What is it that you want to do now..

Move on?

brian1231 · Jan 2, 2010, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

why did you break up again?

so she did not want to make any plans to get married next week,but things change,relationships develop and grow.

seems like she was very upset,and you too.

after nearly a year together,she tells you she loves you,so she had a pretty good idea about you and did not rush into it.

im not quite sure on what to advice you.

what is it that you want to do now..

move on?

Thanks for the response. The precise reason why we broke up is because she says she is not ready to do "adult" things like settle down. She will be finishing grad school over the summer, and stated that even things like finding a job, settling down and such scare her to death. I was looking at houses (just for me, nothing joint) and she mentioned the thought of that scared her as well. Overall, she is a pretty mature person though, even though she doesn't sound like it.

Basically, all I was looking for was affirmation that we could think about things getting more serious.

Over the year we were together, we took things fairly slow. We didn't live together or anything.

Honestly, right now I am not sure what I want. I am numb. I think I need to step back a bit and let things sink in. Christmas eve, I saw my grandmother for the final time and said goodbye to her which was very rough on me (she is dying of cancer) and now this happens.

A few years ago, I got engaged. And initially, the thought of "settling down" scared the tar out of me as well.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2010, 11:03 AM

Reality seldom makes sense when it throws us curve balls.

Fact is, things are going to change, and after a year your not ready, and she wants to know what's next. NORMAL, but the conflict is your seeing thing differently, or so it seems.

I told her that while I am not ready to get married, I would like for us to get a bit more serious.

What the hell does that mean to a couple that has been dating for a year, and sleeping together. That sounds serious to me.

She said that she is scared right now of anything serious

Seems you both are saying the same thing, and not knowing what you both mean.

Its inevitable, that's why she is crying as this signals the death of a relationship, and the shock, and grieving has begun.

This is not strange when you consider your both(?) unwilling to do what it takes, to keep this thing alive, in view of a changing reality.

Your supposed to be numb, and she is supposed to be crying. But it wasn't a waste of time though, you had your fun and now it seems over.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

redhed35 · Jan 2, 2010, 11:04 AM

I have to ask,do you not think this was all abit sudden?

This wanting to settle down?

What's the big hurry?

Being serious could be dating just each other,being true to each other and looking out for each other.

I do think perhaps your reaction was a little hasty,but what's done is done.

Move on with your life,go no contact.

I'm sorry about your grandmother,I'm sure it's a very hard time in your life,however in saying that you said 'now this happens'.. you did this,broke up..

Time to live with your decision,and move on.