[Priscilla Jo]

My husband and I have been invited to a wedding. Our nephew is marrying a girl from a very wealthy family. While visiting with a cousin, someone mentioned that it is proper wedding ettiquette to give a wedding gift that matches the price per plate at a wedding reception. The cost per plate at this particular wedding is approximately $300. Everyone seemed to agree with this. (except me)

I had never heard of this "ettiquette rule" before and think that it is preposterous! My husband and I might as well not go to the wedding if this is indeed the case since we cannot afford to give a gift of $300. We are not wealthy and money is often tight with us (I'm a stay at home mom and my husband earns a modest income).

Can someone help me here? Is this really true or are these people out of their minds?

[valinors_sorrow]

If its true then it deserves to be broken. I am like Miss Manners (if she were an aging hippy LOL) and the circles I travelled in were pretty heady at one time. It would be considered outright gauche (look that up between crude and smarmy) to dictate terms to gift giving that involved a dollar figure! :eek:

If it were true the hostess would be equally obligated to ensure that every guest invited has sufficient means, for pete sake!

[ndx]

I think you buy them something within YOUR own budget.

Just because they are wealthy, and having a posh weading doesn't mean you can afford a $300 present. And also, if they are wealthy, they have the money not to worry :D

I think its really uncalled for this rule, because you were invited as a guest, and ettiquette for how much you have to fork out, when your income is different to other is really not on.

Get them a gift in your price range that you think is nice, its most deffinetly the thought that counts :)

[J_9]

Why not just find out where they are registered and get a gift on the registry. That is what everyone I know has done.

One of my favorite gifts was when someone took my wedding invitation and a pic of me and my hubby, they had someone take an old book and antique it with the invite on one side and the pic on the other. It is a beautiful reminder of how we looked together on our wedding day.

[CaptainForest]

I agree with the others.

There is no "rule of thumb" here.

Give what you WANT to give, that is, less than $300.

It is OK.

And since they can afford such an expensive wedding, they really don't need a lot in gifts eh?

[Myth]

I would rather have something from the heart than something I'm not going to remember who gave it to me in a year. Gift registries are wonderful things, but add something a bit more down to earth and from your heart and it will be remembered long after the toaster needs to be replaced.

[Here_To_Help- Jon]

If there is such a "rule" - then I guess I've broken it many times. It makes no sense -as others have said.. if they have money - they don't need expensive gifts. Just your being there to share this special occasion should be enough. Good for you for coming to this site and asking about it... :)

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, I have done a lot of weddings and there is no such rule, unless it is some local "snob" rule of the rich. But of course not, you pay what you can afford and share there great day

[mariedz]

My husband and I have been invited to a wedding. Our nephew is marrying a girl from a very wealthy family. While visiting with a cousin, someone mentioned that it is proper wedding ettiquette to give a wedding gift that matches the price per plate at a wedding reception. The cost per plate at this particular wedding is approximately $300. Everyone seemed to agree with this. (except me)

I had never heard of this "ettiquette rule" before and think that it is preposterous! My husband and I might as well not go to the wedding if this is indeed the case since we cannot afford to give a gift of $300. We are not wealthy and money is often tight with us (I'm a stay at home mom and my husband earns a modest income).

Can someone help me here? Is this really true or are these people out of their minds?

My daughter got married recently in the NYC area where weddings are QUITE pricey! The reception cost $150 per plate, with tax and tip PLUS the band, thank you favors, etc. In this area, guests generally have an idea of the cost and most cover their "plate." My husband's rule of thumb was always "What would it cost me to go out for cocktails, dinner and dancing in this area?"

My problem is the opposite end of the spectrum: how do we handle guests who did NOT give any gift at all or whose gift may have been lost in the confusion?

[mariedz]

My daughter got married recently in the NYC area where weddings are QUITE pricey! The reception cost $150 per plate, with tax and tip PLUS the band, thank you favors, etc. In this area, guests generally have an idea of the cost and most cover their "plate." My husband's rule of thumb was always "What would it cost me to go out for cocktails, dinner and dancing in this area?"

Many of our guests did indeed cover the cost of the plate, but not all. It was somewhat expected that people from out of the NYC area would not do so, but they were people we really wanted to have at our wedding.

My problem is the opposite end of the spectrum: how do we handle guests who did NOT give any gift at all or whose gift may have been lost in the confusion?

[CaptainForest]

My daughter got married recently in the NYC area where weddings are QUITE pricey! The reception cost $150 per plate, with tax and tip PLUS the band, thank you favors, etc. In this area, guests generally have an idea of the cost and most cover their "plate." My husband's rule of thumb was always "What would it cost me to go out for cocktails, dinner and dancing in this area?"

Many of our guests did indeed cover the cost of the plate, but not all. It was somewhat expected that people from out of the NYC area would not do so, but they were people we really wanted to have at our wedding.

My problem is the opposite end of the spectrum: how do we handle guests who did NOT give any gift at all or whose gift may have been lost in the confusion?

Well, if you think there gift was lost, ask them about it.

If you think they simply didn’t give a gift….

Either a) ask them about it or b) say nothing and never invite them to your events again.

What I would do?

Just call them up, say you do not seem to have a gift from them, did they give you one? If they say they did, ask them if they gave a cheque. If they did, ask them to cancel the cheque (if it got lost, you do not want someone else to cash it).

[kymwm]

I would like to contribute to both questions. I love to read etiquette books (I knew it's weird, but I find them interesting). Anyway...
1.) Proper etiquette states that you are NEVER obliged to give any gift-ever. Not even for weddings. If you feel you would like to give someone a gift, then you may do so, if not, don't. Technically, you are not supposed to put a registry notice in an invitation, because then you are presuming that someone is going to buy you a gift. You are never to "expect"someone to give a gift.I know everyone does it, but "Proper"etiquette says don't. You are also never supposed to write "No gifts please" on an invite, because again you are assuming that someone was going to buy you a gift. Therefore, if you would like to give this couple a gift, then you should give them what you want (and can afford).
2.) I had a similar situation when I got married. It seemed that my dad's best friend didn't give a gift(which, knowing this person seemed odd to me.) I called this person & said " I received a gift of 6 wine glasses, however, there wasn't a card attached. I was just wondering if they were from you?" Either of the following will most probably be the response you will receive - "no, they aren't from me. I gave you the whatever. Wasn't my card attached?" or "No, I didn't give you a gift. I was going to give you...(maybe something like above that includes a wdding picture, & has to be given after the wedding), or Just "I didn't give you a gift." You could also say that you had a few gifts, and a few loose cards, & were trying to figure out which gift went w/ which card so that you could send the proper thank you to the right person. This would be a more tactful way of finding out. If they said they gave you a check, then you could mention that you can't find it. If they say they gave you cash, then you can say that your mom, mother in-law, or somebody has the list of money gifts received, and that you are sure it's on there. Good luck & I hope this helps both of you.

[s_cianci]

Personally I've never heard of that. Just give what you can afford. A typical wedding gift is in the $50-$100 range.

[Amythest]

I generally give gifts that A. come from the heart. And/ or B. Look expensive. But Shhhh... really were not.
Sometimes you can even go to things like dollar stores or discount stores, that sell things that normaly would cost more but don't.
Try even thinking outside the box... How often do people think of things that needed around the house? Cleansers? Mops? Brooms? It may sound silly but unless they are so rich they are going to have maids, or they are a been there done that couple, with all the hussle and bustle people tend to forget about the little things, until its needed like a toilet plunger, maybe you can find a nice looking one? I can't tell you how may times that's something that I've seen, no one thinks of the plunger until your stuck with an over flowing toilet at 1 am and no store is open, meanwhile you have this toilet that is ruining your new floors, you also have no mop since you didn't even think of needing one... how about things like bleach? Fabric softenter and laundry detergent? Dish soap? These are very practical things that I think would make a lovely gift. Grab a few of these items, check out the registry find a not too expensive container for them and voilà maybe they think oh geeze at the time but trust me, when push comes to shove... when they really need those items, they'll thank you.
Also fisrt aid kits and things like cough syrup, cough drops, tylenol or stomach realiver...
Maybe you can make an inexpensive but well thought out honey moon gift? An clean out an empty bucket of ice cream, put in enoug money to buy some icecream, get some icecream containers, and some icecream topping things. Maybe make up a cutsy "love game" find some cute quotes and put them in a tub for them to pick out, go to one of those stores get some love dice or something and theme it the honeymoon.
Or if you're artsy use your talents like the women did for the above person, how cute for her friend to make that antiquied album.

[starryeyed]

I'm with Amethyst... I think that a present that means something is often more valuable than anything you could spend a fortune on... We made our cousin, when she got married, a picture book record of their lives, parallell to each other at different times, the story of their meeting and their "happily ever after", and I'm certain that it's more important to her than a silver cutlery set... It's your nephew, so maybe value should prevail over cost...