[corrine70]

I started chatting with a guy online who said he was looking for a male or female friend to go out with that evening and from time to time.

I could not make it that evening, but I informed him I would be free to go some other time. I informed him also that I was married and only looking for friendship. He informed me he also was married and only looking for friendship.

We chatted for a few months and after I was convinced that he only wanted friendship, I decided to meet him for the first time. I recommended a really nice restaurant close to my home. We met, had a couple of drinks and after about 45 minutes we went our separate ways.

Well, ever since then he has been e-mailing me on a daily basis. At first he only talked about how happy he was that we finally met, and then he started talking about how beautiful I was, and then he professed his undying love and infatuation for me.

He has been married for 14 years, I have been married for 10. I have no desire to have an affair or take this relationship any further than friendship however he is becoming obsessive.

I would like to know what is considered cyber stalking and how much is too much?

[h0llister]

Just tell him you have no interest in having a more than friendship with him, and if he doesn't agree, change your email and everything.

[corrine70]

just tell him you have no interest in having a more than friendship with him, and if he doesnt agree, change ur email and everything.

Even if I change my e-mail address, could he still find out where I live just by having the old e-mail address?

[starbuck8]

Does your husband know about this online "relationship?" Why are you meeting men online for friendship or otherwise? What is it that is going on with you? Are you looking for something you feel you don't get at home?

Did you SERIOUSLY think that all he wanted was friendship? Be honest now, did you? That usually doesn't happen over the internet hon, or in real life for that matter. Of course you can have male friends, but that requires face to face meetings, over a period, and a complete and clear understanding of boundaries.

I think you were set up, and you allowed yourself to be. I doubt very much his wife knows anything about this, and am also sure she likely would not agree with this "friendship".

Work on what is missing in your relationship with your husband, and if you are looking for friends online, find yourself some girlfriends if you are honest about the fact that you are only looking for friendship.

As for the online stalking, delete him and don't reply to any of his messages. Simple! I sure hope you didn't give him any personal info, as to where you live or work. If you did, bad move.

[Alty]

Why do you need another man to go out to dinner with? Why not go with your husband?

I don't believe that you only wanted friendship, if that's all you wanted, why not try and find a female friend, not a male.

This sound suspicious. When there's smoke, there's fire. I think things just go out of hand for you, but I don't think your intentions were strictly friendship to begin with.

[corrine70]

I have girlfriends, but sometimes I just like conversing with men. My husband travels for work, constantly, and otherwise he is emotionally detached. While he is off in banana land doing God only knows what, I spend a lot of time on the computer, talking to all kinds of people, male and female alike, just as I'm doing now.

My husband has no clue because frankly he would think that no matter who the guy was that he just wanted down my pants in the first place, based on my looks alone. That is why I thought if I met someone online they wouldn't know what I looked like and would therefore like me for me. My mistake. I'm too new to this cyber stuff, and I had no business meeting him in the first place. I just wanted to know how to get rid of him and for good.

[talaniman]

Send his messages to spam. I hope you learned a lesson, as you crossed the line when you met him.

Stick with female friends for dates, when your husband is gone. Online, or off.

[starbuck8]

Have you tried to tell him that you no longer want any contact with him? If so, what was his reply to that?

Tell him you will no longer have contact, and that your husband has found out, and has found this innapropriate, and that you realised this also. If he resists this, tell him you are blocking him from contacting you, and will be contacting the police if he continues. DO NOT REPLY TO HIM AFTER THAT!

Once you do that, I would have a long talk with your husband! Going onto the internet to try and find friends can get you in a great deal of trouble, and even put your family in danger!

If you and your husband have such little communication, then your first priority should be to focus on your marriage. If you think he is cheating on you, or doing inappropriate things while he's out of town, then talk about it and figure out a way to try and solve it. Don't go looking outside of your marriage for something you need that your husband isn't providing you with. It doesn't sound to me like either of you trust each other. Do you want to spend you life like that?

Stay away from the internet, and fix the problems at hand first. You have more problems than this cyber man "stalking" you.

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, sorry, chating with man online for months, going to dinner, he obviously was expecting more, but was playing the game to make it looked inocent.

Sorry if I just don't believe that you just wanted to be a friend, you were loney, and found the attention of a man exciting. Then most likely when he got the same message you changed your mind.

He is a internet troll most likely, and you were one of dozens of women he was emailing, after you finally say no, and stop returning any email, he will just move on.

[corrine70]

Yes, I did inform this man that his advances were unwelcome and that if he didn’t stop I could no longer continue chatting. He said he would stop, and for a while he did, but he is back at it again, and this time it’s different, his words are blunt; he is not beating around the bush anymore. The reason I am so freightened is because I did tell him the city I live in, and I am convinced he is searching for me, and there is no doubt if he looks long enough he is eventually going to find me. I can feel it.

I have continually told him the reason that we cannot be together is because I am married and I do love my husband, and believe it or not I don’t cheat. I don't believe in cheating, and my husband knows this. But I don't think my husband would be afraid of me cheating if he knew, I think he would be more afraid of the same thing I am, that this man is going to come after me when I am alone. We don't have any children, it’s just my husband and me, but this man could come after either one of us.

Now, I went to my inbox and marked his last e-mail as spam. Does this mean that the e-mails will stop, and if so, do you think that will force him to come looking for me, or do you think the Fr is right, he will just give up and move on?

I agree with you all, I messed up. I brought this on myself, no doubt.

[starbuck8]

I didn't realise he was getting so out of hand! Make sure you keep copies and records of every email or conversation. I'm not sure of the area where you live, but I'm sure you have a victims assistance office available. Call them for for their advice and things that are available to you. I might also want to file a police report if you have told this man to leave you alone.

Cyber stalking is no different than any other stalking. There are laws in place in most area's, and you need to start a paper trail so the police know what they are dealing with, should anything happen. I appologize that I didn't initially understand the possible seriousness of the situation. I've had a stalker for over two yrs now, and this can be very scary, especially when you are alone.

You made a mistake in meeting someone like this over the internet, but now you have to take action. I assume you've learned your lesson. Make sure your locks are secure, and don't get paranoid, but be aware!

There are things to do to try and protect yourself while you're home alone while your husband is gone. Better safe than sorry.

Have a heavy baseball bat at each entrance. Buy pepper spray if it's legal where you live. If not, ask me and I'll tell you how to make your own. If you don't have a security system, I can also give you many tips on that. One quick one that not many people think of, is to keep a broomstick or something similar close to your smoke detector. If you hear someone trying to break in, or you are afraid for any reason, press the button on the detector to set off the alarm! This might scare him off.

Tell your neighbours to be aware. You don't have to tell them the whole story, just ask them if they would keep an eye out for you. Get a dog if you're allowed. It will not only keep you company, but can be trained to protect you. It doesn't even have to be a big dog. Little dogs can pack a punch too!

Like I said, your safety has to come first, so do everything you can to ensure that. You have learned your lesson now right? :)

[wolfgangqpublic]

Change your email and DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Just do it.

[starbuck8]

Change your email and DO NOT TELL HIM WHAT YOU'RE DOING. Just do it.

It's often not that simple! Believe me it's not!

Quoting Corrine70:: Now, I went to my inbox and marked his last e-mail as spam. Does this mean that the e-mails will stop, and if so, do you think that will force him to come looking for me, or do you think the Fr is right, he will just give up and move on?


Just keep an eye on your emails. We don't know if he will stop or come after you. Hopefully what FrChuck said, he will just move on. Just be prepared.

[corrine70]

Thank you all so much. I will be sure to keep you posted.

[Fr_Chuck]

First if you merely delete his posts without reading them, you won't know he is getting out of hand??

Stop reading, just delete If it moves to another level, then you call the police

[starbuck8]

I agree somewhat FrChuck. I'm just thinking from experience. People have told me in the past to change my phone number, and so on. I didn't do that for the simple reason that I had a heads up, and it has given me the chance to be prepared when things would start to escalate. The worst time to have to call the police is when he is already there. Sometimes it's better to have prior warning in the case of a stalker. I would have been in worse trouble without that warning.

[Alty]

I agree with Starby, especially because I know what she's been through. Sadly, in her case and many others, even though there is a record a mile long of all the harassment, and the fact that her ex actually came to her house and beat her, leaving her for dead, the police to this day, when called, don't even show up half the time and when they do, they don't do anything, even with proof.

It's up to you to be proactive, you can't rely on anyone but yourself. Yes, keep records, yes, if things escalate inform the police, but don't count on them. I'm sure they'll investigate your murder, but will they help before then? In my experience, it's not likely.

I have all the respect in the world for police officers, sadly, nowadays, there's too many bylaws and rules, their hands are tied. It's your life, you have to be in charge of it.

Wow, sorry, didn't mean to make a speech. :(

[starbuck8]

I have been thinking about this all night. Corrine, you know that you were wrong with trusting a man you met over the internet right? I'm pretty sure you do by what you've written.

Call it instinct, call it intuition, call it crazy if you like. But, don't delete or merely not read his emails. You NEED to know if this is getting out of hand. That is your only warning! He could be some crazed phychopath for all you know. He may not even have a wife as far as you know!

Once again, not trying to scare you, but keep your records. Print off anything and everything he writes to you, and if it escalates, do protect yourself and hand it in to the police. Often times they don't help, as in my case, but at least you've got something to back up your story if they do.

Stalking is not a game, and can become serious, and dangerous. Some people, (especially young people) throw the word "stalker" around very loosely, but it can get very scary. That is why they have imposed "stalker laws" in many states, and in some other countries! Unfortunately, sometimes they aren't enforced, as in the country and province where I live!

Be safe, and I hope you've learned your lesson.

[h0llister]

Even if I change my e-mail address, could he still find out where I live just by having the old e-mail address?

Delete your old email account.

[corrine70]

Starbuck8, your warmth and compassion is appreciated more than you know.

Thank you all for your advice and help.

Obviously the spam filter doesn't block his e-mail address, as he has continued to write. With each day that passes it seems he is slipping further from reality. I have made a copy of every e-mail that I think would provide as much insight into his “personality” as possible. The e-mails need to stop. At this point I have no choice except to delete my e-mail account and take the chance that he won’t come looking for me.

Thanks again.