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applelonia · Jun 28, 2006, 03:07 PM

Thank you Cgirl and J9 you all are right. This is more critical then askme.com I just was hoping I could get directed to resources that maybe dealt with this sort of situation. I do constantly think about all the girls and boys that he is around which is why we do not allow any children to be alone with him. I have sought getting him counseling, group therapy, institutes, mental facilities, child behavior centers, and several doctors all over the state of Oklahoma. All of them say they may can sit and talk with him but once he admits ( he will admit) to the act, they are required to report him as an offender and hold him until authorities come. I do not agree with this action having to take place, before he can get help. I just believe there has to be another way. He needs someone or some type of place where he can express his true feelings of what is going on with him then have some type of assessment of the situation without turning him into custody where they will not care if he gets treatment or not. I know it is my responsible as an aunt and mother myself to automatically report him, but I was asking for any other options from maybe someone that knows what to do with situations like this. I feel as a teenager struggling with regular problems he deserves a chance to be evaluated and treated for this as a medical problem... I guess... I don't know what to say... I don't know what to do... I can only at least try too make an effort to help him. We are just meeting him over these past 6mths.

Here_To_Help- Jon · Jun 28, 2006, 03:12 PM

Applelonia - it is apparent (to me) in your words that you are motivated here by love and caring. The most loving thing you can do here is go to the "official" route and do what is legally in order here. The more you wait for a "better" solution - the more opportunity for further abuse. That's not fair to him, you, or the community.

talaniman · Jun 28, 2006, 03:40 PM

I have to agree with Jon on this. It may seem cruel now but in the long run you will have done the right thing as this young fellow needs help now you all do so the best option is to go to the therapist and let him help now. We know you care, so just do the right thing and see a professional NOW we are behind you! Good Luck

J_9 · Jun 28, 2006, 03:43 PM

I too agree with Jon and Tal, and please know as Tal said, we are behind you and here to listen if you need us.

Taukame · Jun 28, 2006, 04:51 PM

Yes, he is very much more than that. He has to be terrified, ashamed, embarrassed. He is just a kid, and most times molesters are made not born. Something happened to this kid and nobody was there to help him, to protect him for whoever abused him, and if he doesn't get help soon he is always going to feel like nobody cares about him.
I don't really understand why you think the other children in the home will be taken away. His mother just got him back from his father, she didn't do anything but provide a home for her kid.
I think that if she doesn't report this she is letting whoever hurt this kid get away with it. And that's the same thing as saying it was okay that it was done. I know that this is not what you mean, but this is how a 15 year old may interpret it. So, if it's okay for it to be done to him then it's okay for him to do it to others. You follow my logic?
He may have to be placed in residential, or a group home, or even a Facility, but this is not always a bad thing. Here he will get the help that he needs.
I work in residential, and we have kids with all types of issues. The only ones who are not going back home, aren't because the parents have given up their rights, or the kid is a danger to them. And even then we try to find them placement. We don't try to put them in jail or punish them for things that have happened to them. Our main goal is to teach the kids skills and get them back with their families. We have psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, doctors and staff available 24 hours a day. I believe most facilities have the same type of resources.
Another thing you should consider is the longer you take to get him help, the longer he has to be alone to deal with what is going on, and what has happened. Think about how this kid feels about himself. Society says that molesters/predators should be locked up, but nobody is saying anything about how he got this way. Nobody is looking at the causes of this behavior. Nobody protected this kid, so he may be feeling like he is not worth it. This behavior is a response to something. He is SCREAMING for help. Listen to him. DHS is really there to help. It may seem like you are abandoning him at first, but he needs to know that there are people there to help him and only him. He is going to be angry, he is going to be hurt, he is going to be scared. You don't have the resources to deal with him by yourself. Understand that if you don't get him help, you will be helping to make another molester.
Placement in residential basically gives him a whole team that is available 24 hours a day seven days a week to help and support him. He has to have this help before he becomes an adult, if he is not helped before he becomes an adult he will abuse others, he will damage others, he will make more molesters, and he will go to jail.

Cgirl · Jun 28, 2006, 08:32 PM

I just want to add one more thing, if you ARE really worried about the mother of this child getting her kids taken away, encourage the mother to do the right thing FIRST... in other words, don't wait for her to do it, and allow him to be in the house any longer, but tell her if she doesn't do something about this RIGHT NOW TODAY, then YOU will! Period. If she doesn't do something about this child and get him the help he needs, as well as protect her other children, then she DESERVES to get her children taken away. Children NEED there parents to protect them, that is what parents are there to do, and if they can't do this, who can? SOmeone else will have to, and that's that. DO the right thing, and get this child the help he needs, before someone else's life is ruined by this terrible chain of events. God Bless...

Here_To_Help- Jon · Jun 29, 2006, 07:18 AM

Appelonia - I think Taukame has posted the answer/direction you've been looking for. Someone who knows this field, has experience in this situation - something most of us don't has said what we all have been saying: take action now and go the legal, professional route. Hopefully what Taukame has said will ease your fears about treatment once your nephew is "in the system". Please let us know what you choose to do and when.

Taukame · Jun 29, 2006, 03:31 PM

I went to work last night and found out some more information. In PA if you know that a child is being abused and you don't report it criminal charges can be filed against you as well. I don't know what the rules are in your state, but they maybe the same. In situations like this it is assumed that anyone who is aware of what is going on and does not report it is considered a perpertrator as well. This follows along the lines of child porn. The person who buys it may have not had anything to do with the phyisical abuse, but they are condoning and contributing to it by purchasing it. Just something else to think about.
Just to reiterate, this child is screaming for help. Do not ignore his cries. Please. He deserves more from the people who care about him.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 06:58 PM

Okay... I have taken all of your advice here... You all have really helped me a lot with this situation. More than I have gotten anywhere.. !!Update!!I got all the kids in my car that was involved. My son(6yrs.), my niece(7yrs.), my youngest niece(3yrs.), along with my nephew(15yrs)oh my sister too. I parked in front of the hospital and asked what happened with everybody. My son told several occasions of inappropriateness with my nephew, my oldest niece denied any type of encounters with her (I know there is something she's scared to say, I'm not sure if she is scared or if maybe she likes it but I know there is something), but my youngest niece told (in her words as much as she can say) she knows all of them are being fooled with by him. My nephew denies everything. This was the most disturbing conversation I have ever had in my life. Once we knew specific facts I escorted everyone into the hospital for sexual assault check-ups to see if it was just touching or if there was any penetration involved. I sat with the boys while my sister was with her girls. The police were called along with a social worker. I had to talk to all of them because my sister was a mess crying hysterically scared she was going to jail and the kids were going to be taken away. Well, the hospital has a psych ward but they say they were not equipped for someone so young (they say). The police were ready to load him up and take my nephew to jail. The doctor protested that since they were not any signs of abuse (only all the kids saying so) then he needed a mental evaluation... You all won't believe what happened next...

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 07:12 PM

Well, I am waiting with baited breath!! What happened next??

You did great girl. You have a backbone! You really did a great thing!!

GOOD JOB! Keep it up!!

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:17 PM

They sent us all home

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:17 PM

With a number to a doctor

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:19 PM

Mind you I have already called this doctor before and told him details of this situation and he was one of the ones who couldn't help. I didn't know until we all got in the car that they even gave my sis a number to call. She gave it to me, and it turns out I have already talked to this doctor before.

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 07:23 PM

Well, that really sux, as I am sure you feel right now.

BTW, they did not find any physical signs of abuse did they?

I feel so bad for your nephew cause he has probably been raised this way from his father.

We all suffer indescretions, some more severe than others, but we learn and move on. I hope this was a lesson for him to learn.

Please stay strong and call the doc the first of the week.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:23 PM

The doctor is on vacation until July 11

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:23 PM

So... now... My sis feels a little better... I feel the same way as I did when I first logged on here... These people we had dealt with at the hospital professional doctors, police, social workers, psychologist, and all the others I told this info. Too left me the same way as when I walked in.

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 07:24 PM

Well, never mind about the doc then. We must have posted at the same time.

How is the nephew acting now?

Is there any way the girls can stay with one of you and the boys with the other? Just talking off the top of my head now.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:25 PM

You all grilled me to do this... now what... they didn't do anything for any for us

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:26 PM

I'm at work now.. I did take the girls home with me for 2 days.. he was nonchalant throughout the whole ordeal

J_9 · Jul 1, 2006, 07:29 PM

He needs to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. That is all there is to it. The boy needs counseling.

If you are in the states there are many places that do this on a sliding scale fee.

I still feel you did the right thing by taking the first step. Now, even though it seems as though you were not taken seriously, the issue is out in the open and in medical records that must be kept by law.

Great first step.