[turtleneck123]

After 2.5 years of long distance, different regions of the country, we were planning on being in same area after college. She is now employed and I'm in grad school, but we didn't end up in the same location, due to financial reasons. Just went 3 months w/o seeing each other and we got to spend the last weekend together. For the last few months, there has been a lot of fighting, stress, etc, and the first night together we had a huge fight, both of us thought it was over. However, next day it was fine. After coming home, I was planning to schedule another trip to see her and she tells me she wants to be honest and is unsure of things, due to the fight after not seeing each other for so long. Se doesn't know if we get along or if its just the distance. After 2 days of talking, she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now, needs more out of it, but because of our busy schedules, we don't even have much time to talk at all usually. She says if I was there, this would not be an issue. So I told her I'm not going to visit if we are breaking up. She offered to pay half to fly to see her after the holidays, including staying at her parents' home for a few nights, and I do want to see her. So I agreed. I love the girl to death and want to be with her, but I am pretty sure its over after hearing what she feels/wants. But why would she fly me in and say when I ask what will it be like when I'm there, she replies, "it'll be us like it has always been?" am I making a mistake going up there? I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time. I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it, but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again. I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.

[TrueFaith]

You are being very smart.

L.D.R Can be.. Uff so hard.. I know I am in one at the moment. And unless both of you are willing to put the work in.. It will fail

Yeah there is distance yeah you won't be able to talk as much.. but there should be and end goal where you will end up together..

You seem to have that.. she on the other hand is having doubts.

I personaly would not want to fly all the way over to an unsuer relationship

You have to ask yourself. Do you really love this women? Does she make you happy?
Is she worth the effort?

Don't let old feelings mess with you on this one..

If you do really love her and want to make this work. Then go see her one last time. And work everything out. And you two must come up with a game plan. And say OK. We are apart for this long. But I want to be with you and this is what I'm going to do.. to make it work. Because you can't be in an L.D.R for the rest of your life..


Or if not.. break it off with her and have no more contact.

She does not know what she wants at the moment. And I would guess because you guys had a fight. And she has that playing on her mind a abit.

She does want to pay half to see you.. so that is a good sign.

Anyway this is 50/50 here normaly I would so

Get out!
Or Go For it

But think hard and see what your plans are with her and where you want to be in life.
And make a choice that reflects on your own goals and trying to be with her as well.

[talaniman]

am I making a mistake going up there?

Yes, because though you want to see her, the rest of the post tells your true feelings.

I told her how I feel and how I disagree with this time thing for the last time

Then stick to your guns and be honest with yourself, and her.

I feel like I should just leave her alone now and see what happens? Don't contact her anymore? I'm pretty upset about it,

Give yourself time to let the emotional dust settle and see if you still feel that way.

but I figure leaving it up to her will help me get over this, because I don't see the relationship happening again.

There lies the conflict and confusion. Your doing what she wants and not what you want.

I'm just really confused why she wants to see me and be "us" in a month for the time I'm there? It has now been 3.5 years of long distance.

Thats a long time to be apart most of the time, and the arguments, and fights, bear out the pressure, and stress this relationship has put on you both.

she says she needs time and wants to be alone. She says she doesn't think this is the relationship she wants right now,

Talaniman rule- She asks for time and space, give it to her!

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Check out this link, and compare it to your relationship, and see how you have done things the last 3.5 years, for some insights, and information, to think about.

Doesn't sound as if the last 3.5 years have bonded you enough, to work together, through honest communications, to resolve your issues.

[turtleneck123]

Thanks for the responses. I'm having a tough time with this right now because I had that feeling that we were on the level that nothing would break us apart, even though we have been arguing a lot, unless it was very wrong, i.e. cheating. Obviously I need to wait to here from her because she wants the time. It just kills me not hearing from her when we talked some way or another everyday for 3.5 years. It also bothers me that we had a huge fight when I visited and then the next day everything was fine, or at least I thought. We were sexual more than once and nothing was borught up about the fight until a couple days after I got home. Was she just being phony and hiding her true feelings? If so, how can I trust someone like that? I feel like visiting in a month will lead to 3 things; closure, possibly get the relationship ging again, or give me false impressions everything is fine and then we end up not being together. How likely is it that giving a girl time in a long distance relationship will end up in you two being together again? To me, its just a cop out to ease the pain of letting go and not to be mean to me. She thinks it will just be us again when I'm there, but is that truly possible, especially after how I feel right now and not so sure we will start talking anytime soon?

[talaniman]

Dude put yourself first for a change, and take care of YOU. All these assumptions, and speculating, what's on her mind, and the "why" of her actions, will have your mind playing tricks on you. That won't help you at all. Nor will sitting and dwelling on it.

Its important you stay busy with what's important to you. Trying enjoying yourself without her.

[h0llister]

I think you should think a lot about the relationship and know what you truly want, before just flying over. Because then your emotions will speak for you and you can get hurt more easily.

[turtleneck123]

In regards to my post on the 3.5 year long disatnce relationship and her needing her time, I feel like half of me says to try and relax and wait to see what happens with her needing time. The other half is telling me move on, assume we won't be together again. I just don't get why she would pay for me to fly over, have me stay at her parents house with her family, and then go back to her place for a few more days. I'm assuming she going to need time at the very least until I see her in a month, but she doesn't even know. She only says she don't have answers and just needs to do this for herself. Is this selfish? I'm no longer going to initiate conversation with her and haven't in the last couple days. She broke the silence yesterday morning with a text saying how she loves me, but just needs her time, and is very happy I decided to book the flight to see her. She says this is only because of the distance, but distance wouldn't be solved anytime soon. Is a relationship a good possibility again? Or am I being oblivious? Just start moving on, cutting her out of my life, and then just try to have fun when I visit and make that the last time? I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.

[talaniman]

Visiting her will only make it harder to give her space later. You will be an emotional wreck.

Either make a decision for your own interests and forget hers, or do as she says and go along and find out later what's up, since she has no clue.

I stay home, and get my own life together, and let her get hers together, with out my influence. But that's just me.

Ain't that much love in the world, to play yo-yo, to a confused female. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. She asked for space, give it to her.

[turtleneck123]

I wouldn't be seeing her for another month. She has practically begged me to come. I am going to give her the space, she won't hear from me. But are you saying going up there in a month is a bad idea?

[talaniman]

A lousy idea in my opinion. Your going on a holiday with a female, that has dumped you, and needs space, but is confused about the relationship? She needs to figure it out, and you need to figure yourself out, as she is calling all the shots, and your going along with what,

FALSE HOPE SHE WILL COME BACK TO YOU, AND THIS COULD BE IT?

Define the relationship, first, before any holiday sir.

I feel like at this point I need to see her one more time so I can truly see how she feels.

You should know that before you go, and do you honestly think the last date will be fun?? ( Yes I think it's the last date, and that's a long way to go to get dumped, even if she is paying for it! )

[turtleneck123]

I agree, but I plan to go regardless, to see other people beside her. However, do you think her seeing me may change her feelings, one way or another. I think it can give me a better idea of closure or trying to work it out. I am going to avoid conversing with her and see if her time can benefit me, heloing me see what I really want. And then when I see her in person, well see if anything is still there. I do agree with her that the only reason we have had problems results from the distance. I feel like it may be a good idea to stay on good terms, because I will most likely end up where she is in the next couple years, and maybe it'll work out then. My feelings bounce back and forth b/t being very angry with her to feeling depressed without her. I am pretty sure this is all part of the process. Hopefully, if she does want to make it work, I won't be moved on already, bcause then I think it would be too hard for me to go back. I do want to be with her, but like you all say, time will wear that away as she does not want to be with me right now. Thanks again for the reply.

[turtleneck123]

What does it mean when girlfriend in long distance relationship says I need my time but have trip to see each other in a month? Obv. For me to leave her alone. But is it her way of breaking it off easily to me? Does a girl really need time? What are the chances after her time, she decides she wants to be with you again?

[TrueFaith]

Could you please give us a bit more detail

In what way did she say I need time?

Like I just need a week for this trip?

Or how did she word this to you


Regards

[turtleneck123]

Long distance relationship for over 3 years. Spent last weekend together after not seeing each other for 3 months with a lot of arguing. Got into big fight but rest of weekend was fine, everything was nomal. Few days later she said she was unsure of things, stressed from the relationship, needed her time, wasn't sure what she wanted, if this is the type of relationship she wants right now, needs to be alone "her time". She says if there wasn't the distance we wouldn't have this issue because we typically don't even get more than 10 minutes a day to talk. She convinced me and is paying for me to come stay with her in a month for a 10 days. I'm going to give her "her time" and not contact her until around time to go there to make sure it is still cool.

[TrueFaith]

Its never a good sign. When a girl says they want space or time.

I would just back off from her..

And have the idea that it is over and move on.
You don't want to wait around for someone who is not sure about being with you.

Do you?

Life is way to short to wait for someone to make up there mind.

[turtleneck123]

I agree. So when she says that we will be together again and she loves me so much, obviously it means nothing and I should just continue to refrain from talking? When I said that we weren't going to talk she laughed and said I was being silly, but I'm planning on holding to it. I said if it becomes dumb for me to come visit let me know and she laughed again and said I was being silly. Do you think it will make for an awkward trip not talking till then? If anything I'm going to have fun with her because we always do, and not to try and convince her to be with me. I shouldn't need to after this long

[wolfgangqpublic]

Let her come back. There's nothing you can do at this point to change things. Take a couple of months for yourself and assume its over - and when nothing happens on her end, take it as fact and move on to new pastures. Preferably those closer to you. Girls will always say they still love you when the breakup isn't vicious (as it often is) - but the romance is fading, at least for the time being. And you can't change that by your actions.

[turtleneck123]

Y is it so hard to change my status to single or just don't have one? Is it because I think there is a chance still?

[silentdarkness]

But if you change it everyone will see you are single and you could be appoached. Isn't that a good thing?

[turtleneck123]

Private profile lol