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006girl · Jun 26, 2006, 12:14 PM

Thanks everyone.

Northwind_Dagas · Jun 26, 2006, 12:34 PM

Journal entries aside, you said he was hitting on you when he was in another relationship. What makes you think he wouldn't hit on someone else when he's in a relationship with you? People often think that their boyfriend/girlfriend will treat them different than they did other people they dated. However, people are pretty easy to predict. If he did it before, he's likely to do it again. Ever heard "A leopard can't change its spots?"

As for the journal reading, you either don't trust him as you felt the need to check up on him, or you don't respect his privacy. Either way, its not the action you want to take with someone you want to maintain a relationship with.

tirednhurt86 · Jun 26, 2006, 02:12 PM

In ways I can understand how you feel. I just got out of a 2 year relationship and am having a hard time letting go still. So I know how badly you want this to work. First of all I wouldn't let him know you read his journal. It might make him extremely mad at you. Second of all, and I know you might not want to hear this but- do you think he tried it with this new girl and when it didn't work he came back to you because he knew you were still there? I'm sorry but that would kill me to even think like that and so I can only imagine your pain. And the fact that you don't trust him ( even if you say you do reading his personal items means you dont) that's not a healthy relationship. I think its time for you to let go... its hard trust me I definitely know. Anyhow this is just my opinion, and if you feel like you want to still work on it then that's your decision. Goodluck and if you need to talk you can message me on here! Hope it gets better...

Wildcat21 · Jun 26, 2006, 03:09 PM

Yeah... too much going here.

I think it would be MORE difficult to go back. Some great answers above as well.

You know too much as it is - and most is not good. The fighting isn't good either.

I think you want this relationship - but know it's not good for you.

My feelings would be to look for a fresh start with someone else.

phillysteakandcheese · Jun 26, 2006, 03:31 PM

I think this is the key of his behaviour:

Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

... and i know you might not want to hear this but- do u think he tried it with this new girl and when it didnt work he came back to u because he knew u were still there?

When you add:

Originally Posted by Northwind_Dagas

... you said he was hitting on you when he was in another relationship. What makes you think he wouldn't hit on someone else when he's in a relationship with you?

You get a person that is probably settling on what can meets their immediate needs. At the moment... you're in demand.

I suspect that in another year or three, he will have another obsession. If that obsession gives in to him, he will cheat on you - both phycially and emotionally.

And when you get through that... the next obsession will come.

I think it's move on time. For your own well being.

006girl · Jun 26, 2006, 03:34 PM

Thanks all for your notes.

The major fighting was the months before we broke up. After we got back together it's been going really well so far and he's been really good to me, making efforts, etc. And yes I want it to work, I'm just nervous we got back together too soon and didn't give it enough time...

006girl · Jun 26, 2006, 03:39 PM

:(
Phillysteak, thanks for being candid.

But do I bring this up to him? If I break it off (if we break up again it would be for good), how do I know it wouldn't have worked out since it's going well now?

Northwind_Dagas · Jun 26, 2006, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by 006girl

:(

but do i bring this up to him? if i break it off (if we break up again it would be for good), how do i know it wouldn't have worked out since it's going well now?

I wouldn't bring it up, it won't help and will only leave you in bad light.

The chances are against you that it will 'work out' as he is likely to do as he's done before. People do change, but it doesn't happen over night.

How happy can you honestly be in a relationship where you will have to second-guess everything he does or says?

You have to take an honest objective look at the relationship, and figure out if the small chance it will work is worth the heartache you will go through when it doesn't work. Remember, you don't have to settle. There are other people that could make you happy.

006girl · Jun 26, 2006, 04:05 PM

I know, but it's not that common to come across someone you can see your future with.

To what tirednhurt was asking, I know he hasn't cheated on me or on past relationships. He's known this girl much longer before he's met me because they work together, so I know he developed feelings for her when we were having major issues. Then we broke up, but that was because of our issues (our fights/probs started before she came into the picture).

Northwind_Dagas · Jun 26, 2006, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by 006girl

i know, but it's not that common to come across someone you can see your future with.

If you see your future with someone you can't trust, I'm not sure what advice you're hoping to get here.

Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and without it, the relationship is doomed. Communication is another important element, and from what you've said in this post and in another, that's been an issue as well.

What I see is that you keep rationalizing his behavior as though it is somehow okay. Will it be okay if you get married, and he cheats with someone as long as he's known them a long time? Or is it okay for him to cheat if you just had a fight? Does that really make sense?

Whether he actually slept with this other person doesn't so much matter, as he obviously became emotionally invested with her.

Blazingsun · Jun 26, 2006, 06:12 PM

Everyone that's said it, got it.

Without trust there can't be true love... and the relationship is doomed. Without communication it's doomed as well. You've got two bad negatives working against you.

I would tell him what you did and express why. Let him hear your fears and give him a chance to help address them. He will probably be upset over you not trusting him, but if he truly listens he will hear why you did what you did and should try to help fix that.

Work on your communication and trust with this guy, or there's no hope.

phillysteakandcheese · Jun 26, 2006, 08:09 PM

Originally Posted by 006girl

... he's known this girl much longer before he's met me b/c they work together, so i know he developed feelings for her when we were having major issues. then we broke up, but that was b/c of our issues (our fights/probs started before she came into the picture).

This sounds like rationalization. Think about what you said...

Originally Posted by 006girl

... I’m in love with him and want to make it work. .

You want it to be okay so badly, you ignore the indicators that tell you there's a problem.

Originally Posted by 006girl

... Next time if we fight (although I would hope we wouldn’t end up w/ such major probs again as before) would he obsess over another woman? Would he stay committed (emotionally too)? ... this question of him turning to other women (emotionally) has occurred to me before, because we used to work together and he did the same thing with me. He was having serious probs with his girlfriend at the time whom he wasn’t in love with anymore, and he doted on me...

I could certainly be wrong about this guy, and maybe you'll live happily ever after, but you've described a pattern of behaviour that leads to him to drifting away from you as soon as the next obsession comes.

talaniman · Jun 27, 2006, 12:16 PM

Seeing as how there is no honesty or communication and you don't trust him how can you really be in love. If his relationship with this other female had borne fruit would you still love him? I say move on before he finds someone else and has you wondering what happened!

Chery · Jun 27, 2006, 01:04 PM

Honey, even if he swore up and down that he'll change, and bends over backwards to try and prove it.. you'll never trust him unless you suddenly have amnesia. There is so much in the past - and you said that he doted on you while still in a relationship - that's not something you can forget and have instant trust over.

Loving the idea of being in love, and truly loving someone are two different things. You really should love yourself most of all first, then find someone who deserves love from you.

Good luck, dear. Please keep us posted.

006girl · Jun 28, 2006, 07:07 AM

Wildcat / Blazing Sun, I agree. Makes my stomach churn to spend the long weekend with him with the guilt hurt knowledge on my shoulders and know I need to talk about it.

For the guys - would a guy ever forgive a girl for reading his personal stuff? I don't think so.

Northwind_Dagas · Jun 28, 2006, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by 006girl

For the guys - would a guy ever forgive a girl for reading his personal stuff? I don't think so.

There would definitely be long term trust issues. But with enough time, he may trust you again. However, some people may never forgive such an invasion of privacy.

Here_To_Help- Jon · Jun 28, 2006, 07:29 AM

006 - I know Im a little late to this thread and I won't repeat all that has been said. If you want to pursue something in this relationship - you have to lay it all on the table with this guy - the journal, the behaviour etc. Only then can the slate be "clean" (for a moment) to discuss anything in the future. You really have nothing to lose by doing that except (maybe) getting at the truth. If you get it (the truth) - then you can make some decisions about the future that work for you.

talaniman · Jun 28, 2006, 12:45 PM

006

For the guys - would a guy ever forgive a girl for reading his personal stuff? I don't think so.

For a fact if it was personal I'd put it up where my wife wouldn't be tempted and yes I'd be pissed if she invaded my privacy, but after 32 years of marriage there are no secrets and I have nothing to hide. For a good healthy relationship you need honesty!