[lookingforhelp2]

My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we dated for a few years poor. We recently had a baby which is now 5 months old. Our marriage has been falling apart for quite some time now and I do not know what to do. This was happen gin before and after the baby. My wife is the first woman I every loved and now I find myself wondering if I still am in love. About a month ago she asked me for a divorce. I said I did not want that and we should go see a counselor and she said no. We are trying to work things out. I find myself thinking if it was not for our new baby I would leave and then I ask myself is it healthy to have 2 people living together only because there is a baby involved. I try to do everything I can around the house to make her life easier. A clean house is a must in her eyes. She is now a stay at home mom. First she wanted to work, so we got a nanny to come to the house, and then all she could think of was the baby so she wanted to quit her job. Now she is a stay at home mom and loved it for a while. Now I never know what I am coming home to. Will it be a happy wife or an angry frustrated wife? I recently told her we could hire a nanny to come a few days a week to give her time to herself. This just pissed her off. I think she needs time away from the baby but she will not do it. I love my baby and want to be around for her to grow up but I also want to be happy in life. When we date we would go out and do things with friends and by ourselves. Now she hates doing things with people and then complains that she does not have any friends. I feel we see our relationship completely opposite. Before I was married I had an open door type policy where friends and family were always welcome. Over the past 4 years my friends have stopped calling and my family feels uncomfortable coming over. My family has already confronted me that I have changed and that it looks like I am walking on eggshells to keep my wife happy. My friends see this as well and are shocked to see me show up at a function. Recently I talked to a therapist about this and he also saw that my wife and I relationship was not healthy. I feel I do a lot around the house and for her and she sees it differently. I want a happy marriage and a happy life but do not know how to do it. Is it worth trying to save the marriage? I can not keep up what I have been doing so far anymore. If you have done this before have you ever put a time line together? I have though about giving it another 7 months.

[450donn]

Get her to a doctor. Explain the symptoms to him/her and get her on medication. Sounds to me like she has post partum depression.

[donf]

The fact that you are helping your wife cope speaks loudly of the type person you are.

Do not stop now. If she is seriously overwhelmed, consider taking a few days off work, if that is possible and let her have a mini vacation from the baby.

Baby's can be horribly demanding. I speak from experience on that. Any thing you have thoughtfully planned out ahead of time (as in reading while the toy person is napping) gets tossed out the window because the babe has other ideas. Pressure builds up and can sometime lead to an adult transferring that pressure onto the child. Please what out for that.

Get your lady a punching bag so she can whack or 50 depending on the venting she needs to do.

Hold her close and let her know that you are ready and willing to love her!

[plonak]

I don't know for sure if she has post partum depression, because he said the problems were there before the baby..

It seems to me that she might be suffering from manic depression.. her moods are all over the place and she's not happy..

Take her to the doctor and see if there is anything wrong with her medically. This may not be her fault..

I really suggest you exhaust ever effort before calling it quits.. you made a commitment to her for better or worse through sickness and health... it's a sacred bond you made with her

[Dragonfly1234]

She me very well be suffering from post-partum, she should definitely talk to her doctor. I had a friend change (almost) overnight after consulting her doctor who gave her anti-depressants to address the issue. She described it as going from a dark cloud constantly over her head, to being happy and feeling 'normal again'.

[lookingforhelp2]

She has told me at times she is depressed and then she bounces out of it. She is talking to a therapist now but not about this. I tried to get her to talk about this and maybe get some meds but she will not do it. I have also tried to send her to to a resort 20 miles form our house for the weekend or the night and get her a spa package. She will not leave the baby. The trouble with marriage goes back way before the baby. I want to be a huge part of my baby's life and am wondering if I can do that if I am not married. Which is more healthy growing up in a divoursed family or growing up ina a family where both parents resent each other and it shows.

[NowWhat]

I don't know if anyone would recommend staying in a marriage just for the sake of a child. What you and your wife are doing is setting an example of what marriage is. What you have now - is that the example you want to be setting? Saying "This" is what a normal marriage is?

BUT... I am not sure you should call it quits yet. It is obvious you love your wife and the family you have created. You should NEVER even entertain divorce unless you can say that you have done EVERYTHING to save it. Are you at that point?
I do think you both need counseling. She may not want to go - but you can always make an appointment and get her there. She will probably be really mad - but in the big picture of things - it will be worth it if she can go through the process.

As far as leaving the baby, I didn't leave mine until she was about 5 months old. And I felt as if I had left my arm behind. It felt so foreign to me to be with out this child. And I trusted NO ONE with my baby. I could not imagine anyone good enough to take care of her.
To a degree, what your wife is going through is normal.
It is very possible she is depressed or even bipolar. She needs to be seen by a doctor and it needs to be determined if she needs medication to help even out her moods. And there is absouletly nothing wrong with taking a medication. There is no shame in it.

You have said that your wife sees a therapist, but not for this. Could you call the therapist and talk about your concerns?