[TD1225]

I feel completely silly talking about this on a forum, and asking advice from strangers, but I need that non bias opinion.

Here's the background. I was with my ex boyfriend for almost six years. We were dating since I was 16, and I am 22 now. He is 24. We were engaged when I graduated from high school, which was three years of being together, and things in our relationship changed, got comfortable, and gave me doubts about being with him forever, so I ended things. Four months later, I missed him, and when we saw each other, we both realized our feelings for each other were still there. So we got back together, and everything was great. A year went by, and we got engaged again. We bought a house together, and we started to plan our wedding. Well six months later, I realized that I wasn't able to go through with it. Him and I had the type of relationship that was exclusive to only each other. We didn't have our own friends that we hung out with, or do things on our own. It was just him and I. And since we were together since we were so young, the only thing that defined our lives were each other. I didn't think that was healthy, so I ended things again telling myself (and him) that I needed more in life than just one relationship. I needed friends, I needed my family, and I needed independence. I needed to be happy with myself, and find out who I am before I started a life with anyone. So I broke him heart a second time, because he did not feel this way at all. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I knew I needed to be selfish in the situation and think about what was best for me. For months he begged me to come back and to see him, but I needed my time, and I convinced him to stop thinking about me and move on, because it was the only way we could live our lives. I never stopped loving him. I will say that there were times that I thought I was moved on, and could start a new life.

Well for the past few months I've had intense thoughts of him, and almost regret. We started talking more frequently with each other over the phone. We both actually were in relationships, but mine was very casual.. more of a good friend type, and his seemed to be serious. When we talked about how we felt about each other, and how we both missed and loved each other still, we agreed that our lives were just to different and it would be almost imossible for things to work out now. Well, we decided to see each other one night and for me, it was really to confirm my feelings. And I absolutely did. I fell in love with him all over again in that moment, and it was the most amazing feeling. And I felt the love he had for me, the way he held me, the way he looked into my eyes. Everything we felt before was still there. I ended up telling him that I would do absolutely anything to make it work. And I knew I didn't deserve that chance because of all the doubts I've had in the past, and the hurt I've put him through, but I would prove forever that I loved him. And I know I left twice with doubts, but what happened, is that I've gone through many life experiences in the time we had apart. I found me, I have an amazing group of friends, and everything I left him for, I have. And now there's something missing, and I know its him. But he wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't think that he loves me the same way, or wants to risk the relationship that he is in (which he says he loves her.. after four months) to see if I will leave him again or not.

Anyway, here is what I'm essentially asking. I KNOW what we have still. I felt it the two times we spent time with each other. He kissed me, and made love to me, and held me, loved me, said he loved me. It was all there. But as soon as we are no longer together, I think he starts thinking with his head and not his heart, and has a huge fear of me hurting him again. He says that now he needs me to move on because he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to see me anymore, and doesn't want to talk with me anymore. Now I can't help but think that it was my mistake that is causing so much pain being without him. Knowing that he feels like this other woman is worth it to stop seeing and talking to me. I don't want to move on, because I want to be there if or when he realizes that I am the one for him. Because I know, or at least I honestly feel, that he knows what is between us, but there is so much fear holding him back. So do I hang on to this amazing love? This love that I know I will never have with anyone else? I know exactly what I want, and it's him, so do I continue to fight for it? Or do I move one, and stop thinking about him. And if that's the answer, how? Every single second I think of him. I think of us, and what could have been or can be.

I apologize for this novel, but I don't know how to handle this anymore, and I need help.

[hannah_nicole]

I think you should move on. What you did to him - twice - was completely selfish and unfair and now once more you are being selfish and unfair except now the tables have turned and you want him & he doesn't want you. You say you convinced him to move on? So why do you expect him to take you back? He obviously has moved on (more or less) so leave him be to get on with his life without you confusing it any more. You have no control or hold over this mans life anymore. Its your turn to move on.

[cricket_10]

Now it's his turn to have that space and time from you. You had him for six years and you chose to throw that all away not just once but twice. Right now, all you can do is understand and accept that he is scared of being hurt again especially by the person he loved the most. Sometimes love is just not enough to be able to get back together again. There are a lot of factors to consider and for him... its FEAR.

[Boristheblade]

I think you should stop worrying and get on with your life as you know you messed up, however I don't think this is the end of you two and it is a strange phenomenon of human beings to want something more when it is not readily available to them-as you are finding out. Never the less you shouldn't dwell, I think if it's meant to be it will, and if it isn't then it won't.

[talaniman]

How are you going to hold on to someone you've dumped twice? What makes you think he is going to let you do that again? Do you think that's fair? You sure are selfish! Leave him alone, you've done enough damage haven't you?

[youser333]

First of all, to all the people saying that you are selfish, I wholeheartedly disagree. You are not selfish for wanting him back, but you are a very emotional person. You seem very easily attached and nostalgic of the comfort and stability your relationship with him provided. Get over him for yourself, you don't need a co-dependant relationship as such. They are self-destructive and you know this because of you left twice because of how you put all of your focus away from yourself and into the relationship. Never a healthy thing to do. I was in the EXACT situation ( 3 year relationship, engaged right out of high school) Now I'm 19 and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and identify who I am. After the break up I felt lost and hopeless (I still do). Although you say your life is "complete" with friends and such, I don't believe it fully is or then you would have no more feelings for this guy. Besides, no man can complete who you are. Good Luck.

[chuff]

Leave him be, he has earned the right to find someone who appreciates him.

[LifeChangesMan]

I say fight for what you want in this situation. You need to understand his fear of you and his emotions because you broke him twice and now he moved on finally, and your doing it again to him... I don' t know I say your chances are slim, and he'll stand his ground to move on and keep you away from breaking his heart again but, the bottom line is I would never let go without a fight, where you can look yourself in the mirror and say I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough, then you know it's time to get on.

[ZoeMarie]

I'm confused... did you sleep with him while he was in a relationship with someone else?

[TD1225]

i'm confused... did you sleep with him while he was in a relationship with someone else?

The first night we met again after 6 months of not seeing each other, we met at a parking lot just to talk, and see how we felt. He kept trying to kiss me, but I refused, because I knew he was with someone, and I knew the kind person that he is and the guilt he would feel. He later suggested getting a room at a hotel so we could talk more comfortably, which I denied him many times until he convinced. I had no intentions of doing anythign with him, but the passion was sparked and one thing led to another. He said that with me, it just felt right, and he didn't feel like he was cheating because it was me. But then the next day he said that night made him realize how much he loved this other girl he's only been with for four months, yet we went out to dinner two night later and the same thing happened. But all of this physical didn't start without the emotional. This is a huge reason why I'm holding on. I felt the feelings he has with me, even minus the sexual aspect (although we both agree we've never been with better) I just feel like eventually he'll come around.

[talaniman]

I felt the feelings he has with me, even minus the sexual aspect (although we both agree we've never been with better) I just feel like eventually he'll come around.

Sorry, but you can't minus the sexual aspects, because that's all part of the feelings. The strongest part I might add, as his actions speak louder than his words.

He still is with someone else, and assuming he will come around, because you had sex with him, is false hope

Leave him alone, as why should he leave where he know he is safe, and beyond you hurting him again, to go back to the same fear. I don't blame him.

Plus he gets the sex free, because you think that will influence him, and it will not this time around.

You are sorely overestimating your influence over him.

Again leave him alone. Learn your lesson, that rejecting someone over, and over again, pushes them away. And makes them doubt you are sincere.

Begging didn't get what you wanted, and neither did sex. Now what??

[holeinheart21]

You screwed up not jut once, but twice. You took for granted what you had, and even said that the love you had, and spending the rest of your life with just him, wasn't enough for you. It really sucks to be him, but its nice to see that you finally have realized your selfish mistakes, as it seems that many people never want to, and if they do, never want to admit it to the person whom they have caused so much pain. Do you deserve him? Heck no, most definitely not. However, if you really feel that you realized how much you screwed up, and you are willing to completely admit that to him and accept all responsibility for your actions, then I think you should tell him that, and tell him how you feel and leave it at that. Tell him that you respect that he is in a relationship, and you will no longer communicate with him, but that you wanted to just let him know what you realized. Then move on with your life. Don't think about whether he will come around or not. You will have told him how you feel and now the decision will be up to him. Everything will be out of your control at that point. At least you will have owned up and shown that you have matured enough to realize the pain you caused, and whether he ever takes you back, at least you came to terms and were honest about the things you did.

What you must realize, is that the heart is like an egg, in an egg toss. Each time its tossed and caught, the shell gets weaker and weaker. Keep playing with it, and eventually it's going to break.