[arturdo968]

Here is my admissions essay for penn state university, the prompt was:

Please choose one of your activities or another experience you would like to share and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at Penn State.

I wrote about a time when I volunteered for the special olympics. Could you guys read it over for me and tell me what you think? I have done it myself but still am not very satisfied with it... any suggestions would be greatly appreciated and the sooner the better because this is due in 10 days :(. Here's my essay:



The alarm starts to blast in my ear and I turn to the side to read the time: 6:00 AM. I hit the snooze button one time before finally getting up and preparing for the long day ahead. I shower and eat slowly and by the time I get into my car it is already 6:45 AM. When I get to the school, the bus is almost half full, and everyone is busily talking about their expectations for the day. The Warren Hills Chapter of Key Club was going to help in the 2008 Special Olympics and everyone was excited and worried about what the day would bring. There had been numerous events to volunteer for, such as a food drive, a car wash or a town festival, however, I felt that Special Olympics would be the most rewarding.
When we arrived at the site for the games, we were instantly greeted by some of the participants in the games. They were warm, friendly, and made us all feel welcome. We had fifteen minutes before the events started, and I was assigned scorekeeper and announcer for basketball. This worried me deeply because I didn’t know the first thing about how to play basketball, let alone what to say while the game was being played!
Before each game, the teams would line up and shake hands to show their good sportsmanship. After a couple of games, a pattern began emerging. I began to realize that from each team, more than half of the players could easily beat me in a game of one on one. I was amazed at how they played with so much skill and determination. Every game was close, and each team was competitive.
By the time lunch came around I had given so many high fives, and shouted out so many names, that I knew half of the players. I grabbed my turkey sandwich and took a seat next to one of the teams and began speaking to them. They congratulated me for a job well done as announcer, but I was the one who needed to be congratulating them and all the other teams here! Of all the basketball games I have seen, never have I seen so many close games.
At the end of the day we had all grown so close to all the teams and felt a pang of sadness in leaving them. However, we promised them that we would return again next year for the games and help out again. As we said our good byes and re-boarded the bus, I realized with no shock, that I had expected to come to the Special Olympics and help out the teams playing, but what ended up happening was they helped me. I did not expect that to happen, but I’m glad it did. At that moment, I realized that it does not matter who you are, where you are, or where you’re going, you’re always going to need help in something because no body is perfect. The greatest amount of help can come from the least expected places. And for that lesson, I am thankful for my friends at The Arc. I believe that this event will help me in my student experience at Penn State because it taught me to not take anything for granted, as well as to never second guess anyone or anything. This is a valuable lesson that is useful when selecting extracurricular activities within the school as well as classes, because now, I look to the most unexpected places, to try to find the most beneficial results.

[qwartyz1234]

Um, good essay but I think you missed the line where it says 1200 character max (letters and spaces.) yeah, your essay is a tad over at somewhere in the ballpark of 3000+ characters.

[arturdo968]

Haha yeah, I realized that it's 1200 characters and not 1200 words. But I fixed that lol

[bmdoubleu]

So would this essay work for another college?