[aqua@home]

:mad: I don't know exactly where to start. I AM JUST SO FREAKING MAD!!

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. I just want to freak out!

I don't know how many of you remember any of the things I have said about my husband (of which I was sorry for after the fact) but I really need to know what to do here.

I understand that my husband is stressed right now. We have five children and I think it is really stressing him out right now. Our 3 year old is at this wonderful whiney stage and he seems to cry about everything. Our 7 year old complains about everything. Anytime we ask him to do his job, unload the dishwasher, he complains. He complains all of the time. (Like father, like son). Everyone is annoying my husband right now. I try to tell him that these are kids and this is how they act. He is really tired of it all though. What makes it hard is that I am too. I get irritated, annoyed and frustrated too. But when he gets like this I feel as though I have to defend the kids. I feel like I have to warn them to behave and threaten them with consequences so he doesn't get so mad.

We are in the point of refinancing our mortgage and taking it to a different bank. He hates banks and of course Land Titles has their hands out too. Everyone does, the lawyer, the banks, everyone. This also is very frustrating for him. Now because it's Canada Day here right away, we probably aren't going to be able to sign the papers before the deadline and will have to go with a slightly higher mortgage rate. This infuriates him!

Honestly I try to be a positive person. I try to be patient and give people many opportunities. I really do, but I don't think I can listen to his anger for ever. I am honestly so sad inside that I just want to cry. I can't. I have to hold us together. I can't. I can't always be the equalizer. I can't always be the bad guy to our kids because I'm afraid of what he will say to them. I can't make all the phone calls that need to be made. I can't drive the kids around all of the time and I have guilt because I don't let them do as much as I should because I am on my own. I feel as though I have so much on my plate, I can't take it anymore. He says that I have to take care of things or he will and we will all suffer.

I am trying to better myself and figure out some of my issues from the past. Everything is just piling up.

I am so sorry and if know one responds that's okay. I'm glad I could get some of this out. Bye:(

[aqua@home]

:( He has phoned and apologized but it doesn't change the way I feel.

[CaptainForest]

Canada Day isn't for another week.

If you work at it hard this upcoming week, you can have papers signed by Friday, June 30

As to the other stuff:
Sounds like you are having a hard time, that is never fun…

I do hope it all works out for you the way you want it to.

[milliec]

Dear aqua,
I tried to read carefully, to read between the lines, and to make the most of your letter. The line which sounds worst of all is:
"He says that I have to take care of things or he will and we will all suffer."
You two must sit down and talk. Don't let him get away with threats, living at gunpoint is no what to live.
First ask him what did he mean by it, and tell him that you won't agree to live at gunpoint. He must realize that the family is the responsible of both of you. Not just yours. He works to earn money for your living, and you work to enable this living. Kids rebel to discipline because they sense there's a gap between you two. You must sit with him, agree about the way you two wish to educate your kids, than sit down with them, and both of you should talk with them, tell them what you expect of them, define behavior boundaries.
The economic situation is a very stressful situation, but this is something you both have agreed to get into, and it's equally stressful for both of you - so he must realize that he can't get away with any unacceptable behavior on this account. He's supposed to be a grown up, and behave accordingly.
And it's something which has a sort of a"deadline" - it's not going to last forever.
You're not suppose to be the only one holding the family together, and both of you must make efforts to make a pleasant life for each other.
It's a joint responsibility - you're in it together.
If you have some time left, I shall again think you might find useful to read the book I e-mailed you about.
I know it's a terrible tome for you, but make sure you get your husband to understand the meaning of partnership - tha't what a marriage is supposed to be.
I'm sorry for the long answer,
Take care,
m.

[valinors_sorrow]

I really feel at a loss here to offer anything Aqua as I have never been in a situation like yours... the closest I came was being something of a bystander in watching my husband deal with his kids post divorce, which was very difficult and sad.

At the risk of sounding flippant, which this isn't, maybe call into the picture whatever help you two can muster? To create a sense of taking a break so you can come back fresh?? There may be help out there like that. It works that if you get the kids settled, then you both will have a better atmosphere so focus there?

Breathe breathe breathe?

[fredg]

Hi,
Frustrations of marriage and financial problems, money, is the primary reason (or use to be) why Divorce happens.
I don't want to sound negative here, but mention it only to say that you are not alone. Many go through the same thing.
You need a BREAK; so does he.
Is there anyone you can leave the kids with for a weekend? You both need to go somewhere, even if just a few miles away, together, for a couple of days, by yourself, and talk about things.
It will bring a new perspective to you both.
If that isn't possible, have you considered the both of you, together, going to Marriage Counseling? Or possibly some other counseling together?
Pressure and Stress on someone can only be allowed to happen by themselves.
No one can cause me Stress, unless I let it happen. I did let it happen during my first 7 yrs of marriage with two boys, 4 and 5 yr old. It ended in Divorce.
Three yrs later, married a wonderful woman, now going on 30 yrs. We don't try putting stress on each other, and solve any issues, one way or the other.
You both, together, could talk with a Minister, Priest, Rabbi, or whoever, in confidence. They may not know about financial matters, as a Professional, but they do know about supporting each other, compromise, trust, and love between two people.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[aqua@home]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. (Val I will have to comment on yours later). I think I should just step back. If I talk to my husband about things I'm sure he will take my feelings into consideration. Unfortunately we are all human and he will continue to make mistakes. I don't understand why he can be so hurtful. Let me try for a moment to tell you a little about him. He is very loving. When he is home, he is a very touchy, feely, loving man. He compliments me all of the time, he makes me laugh, he is a good man. On the other hand he can be very mean. He doesn't have a lot of patience for people. He is not a very emotion person when it comes to everything else. He uses logic a lot and that bothers me because I am an emotional person. I am not a machine and things are not black or white. He cannot say something and expect to take it back or apologize just as easily as he said it. It has been said and the damage has been done. I once heard an analogy to tooth paste regarding this. They said, it's easy to squeeze out of the tube, but now try to put it back in. I thought it was great.

I think you are all right, we need to talk to someone. We need to have a break from the children. Thanks for your thoughts.

[fredg]

Hi,
Since your husband is more into "logic" than emotions, I think it worth saying that he really needs to reconsider his attitude, when around you and talking with you. Compromise is very important in any marriage, and emotions can run high and need to be taken into consideration.
I do hope your husband will change somewhat, considering your emotions, and having a little more "emotion" toward you, and with you. Saying "I'm sorry" is nice, but when it sounds it's just like an "everyday" thing, it doesn't count for much... been there, done that, in my first marriage, that didn't work out!
I don't do that anymore, since my wife is also emotional about many things. Maybe talking with someone, both together, confidentially, will make him realize that he really needs to be more thoughtful toward you.
If he had to "live in your shoes" with the kids for one week without you, I guarantee he would wake up fast!!

[orange]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now, aqua! I relate in some ways, having several whining kids in my household right now, too. I get fed up with them a lot too, and it's difficult to remain the calm, mature adult. I have to take your side though and say it's more difficult for the parent who stays home all day with the kids than it is for the one who works. Yes, your husband is working hard and is probably very tired from work, but at least he gets to interact with people outside of the family and have a break from the young ones, which those of us who are stay at home moms don't get as often.

Any time there are financial problems, it can put a big strain on the marriage. I think what you are doing now, stepping back, is a really good idea, and also trying hard to get this mortgage problem settled quickly. Once that's completed, things should be a bit better, at least I hope so! I have a friend with young kids who recently declared bankruptcy, and she says her relationship with her husband has improved a lot since... that sounds pretty bad, but without the strain of having to pay so many bills every month, they can relax a bit, and are even saving some money. I hope this mortgage thing helps your family in the same way.

My heart goes out to you, I definitely understand how hard it can be!

[talaniman]

Let him walk a mile in your shoes is great! It sure straightened my attitude out years ago. It looks so easy being a stay at home mom but it takes a lot of time and patience and everyone wants a piece of you all the time. Throw in a unfeeling 6 ft kid to the mix oh hell no let me out of here. Not only do you deserve a raise but someone to rub your feet every night. He'll learn though and the hard times will bring you together if you keep the lines of communication open and keep talking.

[aqua@home]

You all seem to have things worked out on this one. It is difficult when you KNOW something but LIVE another way.

I am afraid of cracking. I can tell that through the years I have changed. I am not a calm person. I can no longer protect my husband. I shouldn't, I am probably only hurting him. Hurting him by hindering him. I have always looked out for him, made sure things were just so for him, tried to make sure he would be happy. In the mean time, I have given so much that I feel as though there is not a balance here. I know he gives financially, but I give him ME. I am not sure he realizes that. I know that relationships are work but why does it have to hurt? I will have to find something that I can do for myself, by myself. Heck, he and I need to do more together, alone. You know I am almost afraid to go for supper alone with him because I feel like I don't know him. I know so much about him, but he still makes me nervous. I used to think I was nervous because I was so excited to see him. Now I am not so sure. I feel like over the years I have changed to be more nervous about if he will be happy.

Please don't point out how pathetic this sounds. Now that I have put it into words, I can see that. I can see that we could use some counselling. One thing at a time. Life is just too much sometimes. I feel like there are a lot of things that have to be ironed out. I need to be a better mom, wife and person to myself. I know this. It's just one day at a time though. If I can work on myself maybe I can be a better person for everyone. Then maybe move on to the next thing. It can all be overwhelming. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening.

[talaniman]

Aqua- you have friends here so vent whenever you want and no you don't sound pathetic at all as 5 kids and a house and a normal husband is enough to drive anyone crazy and any other problem that comes along only seems to be magnified bigger than it really is. Might I suggest some me time, for a couple of hours every week tell everyone to handle what comes up themselves and your unavailable. You have a right to take care of yourself, and you deserve it.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am afraid of cracking. I can see that we could use some counselling.

Those are wise words you have written. Please Aqua find an advocate for just yourself... a counselor, minister, therapist, friend, someone who will help you find and speak your authentic self. You are worth this - never mind the rest for the moment. Being in trouble is not the same as being pathetic either so enough of the shaming stuff too, okay?

Holding things in is dangerous to one's health, saying one thing and doing another is crazy-making (I know this FIRSTHAND :( ), not feeling safe is bad and all those things will need to be addressed when you find yourself an advocate. There are references in the front of most phone directories for places to call, many of which are sliding scale or free.

In my area and growing around the US is a feature where you can call 2-1-1 to tap into every agency available in your local area. Those folks are doing a good thing making resources (apart from police, fire and ambulance) of all kinds readily accessible for all the other emergencies in life. Try calling them?

Soon please?

Signed, your friend

[aqua@home]

Thank you you two. Well, I've decided that instead of wishing I am going to do something about it. For the benefit of my family and myself, we have to make a plan. Things are changing in our house and things will have to change in our relationships. I will make a plan to do something for myself. (With this mortgage renewal thing, some money will be freed up and I won't have to feel bad about spending a little.) I have to learn to let go of guilt and enjoy.

Thank you for the motivation and thank you for being here. In the fall I will be starting at a support group, so I can hardly wait for that. Our third child will be going to Kindergarten and I have a feeling, things are going to get better. I hear that exercise can do wonders for a person (besides weight loss) so I will have to do something about that. I have to get a little more organized so I don't spend most of the day cleaning and my kids are going to have to pick up their socks and get cracking. They do do things but I'm tired of being so angry all of the time. I don't want them to live like I used to. I will have to try to stop the cycle.

I know if I don't do something now, I will do something I am going to regret. I love my family, my home, and being able to stay home. I just don't want these things to quite literally drive me to the mad house.

Thanks again.