[Lovemedo]

I've been with my boyfriend now for over 3 1/2 years, we've lived together for nearly two. When we first got together he and I both were with people we didn't want to be with and ended up seeing each other behing our partners backs.

We finally ended our relationships and got together, since then I have been feeling like our relationship is a battle, he's like fort knox won't let me in and I can't seem to want to get out (If that make sense) Over the years I have put a lot of effort into this relationship and although we have laughs, cuddles and he tells me he loves me... Since moving in together our sex life has gone down the pan. I know that when we first got together the "Honey moon period" was highlty sex driven but I didn't expect all this time down the line to be going to bed and finding him watching porn when he thinks I'm asleep and to add insult to injury he won't let me touch him sexually.

I've tried to laugh it off with him, but things just aren't changing and I'm frustrated with the situation. I've even been spying on him when he thinks I'm asleep only to find him on the net as usual pleasuring himself when he clearly knows It annoys me, especially when I'm feeling that he now finds me unattractive although he says he doesn't. It's a horrible thing to admit to myself; let alone other people but I don't know what to do.

He's coming up 32 and I'm 27 and I can't go on feeling like this and would like some advice as to how to rectify the situation. I have brought this up with him before and feel he is ashamed of his body as he's put on a little weight since we started "courting" but that's purely down to my good cooking haha.

I really do love this guy and want things to work out, I just need some direction...

Help...

X

[450donn]

Move out and end it.

[Synnen]

Get him to a counselor.

Obviously, the two of you are not communicating on the same level, and you will need someone to mediate for you to get through this.

In the meantime, stop thinking that it's YOU. It could be any number of things. I fail to comprehend why women blame things like this on something they have done or not done, when it is CLEARLY someone else doing or not doing something.

Give him the choice of counseling or moving out. If he won't talk to you about what's going on in his mind, the relationship is pretty much over anyway.

[smoothy]

The man has issues if he won't let a willing and ready woman touch him.

All most guys need to hear is "I'm ready" and off they go.

[Lovemedo]

Move out and end it.

Do you think this is the answer? I've thought about it already, but I really do love him. He's got issues too, just need to talk to him. I've never got any problems normally in saying things to people, yet this is sensitive and I don't want to rock the boat... jus the bed!

[Lovemedo]

The man has issues if he won't let a willing and ready woman touch him.

All most guys need to hear is "I'm ready" and off they go.

That's what I thought! He does work hard and provides for me in every other way, but I see relationships as a triangle: Love, trust and sex...

I really need to approach him but don't know how to without hurting his pride?!

[Choux]

Sounds to me like he has hidden resentments against you so he is denying you pleasure. If you two have a future, you both have to get to the bottom of this. Couple's counselling.

[Lovemedo]

Sounds to me like he has hidden resentments against you so he is denying you pleasure. If you two have a future, you both have to get to the bottom of this. Couple's counselling.

Hidden resentments in what way? I do everything round the house, he doesn't have to do anything. I've started to grudge him as I don't get anything back.

I got told a few years ago I will experience having problems with children, and I should do it sooner rather than later... no chance if I can't even get sex out of him!

[smoothy]

That's what I thought!! He does work hard and provides for me in every other way, but I see relationships as a triangle: Love, trust and sex...

I really need to approach him but don't know how to without hurting his pride?!?

THat is going to rely on your knowledge on him and his sensitivites. Physical exhaustion will diminish the libido for a while anyway... but that doesn't explain weekends. If he was willing and unable then you have the medical/ mental thing going on (medical condiotion, medications, stress etc). But it doesn't appear this is the root cause from what you said.

Like I said... I'm on 17 years of marriage to the same woman. I've never shut her out yet. Even when I was upset with her.

[Lovemedo]

I really just don't know where to go with this anymore, ignoring it just makes it worse :(

[smoothy]

I really just don't know where to go with this anymore, ignoring it just makes it worse :(

I don't think you should have to ignore it.

I had to revise what I wrote on this post. I forgot you aren't married.

Look at this as a good reason to move on. IF its like this only a couple years into a relationship what's it going to be like in 5, 10 or 15 years?

Thank god you aren't maried yet. You've both done it before... maybe he's got someone on the side already.

[Synnen]

Is it maybe the kids thing? He's not ready for kids, so he doesn't want to have sex, because he's afraid that's what you're thinking?

You DEFINITELY need to talk about it. Use "I" statements, and tell him how you feel. Don't blame, nag, or bring up other subjects. Stick completely to the topic.

If that doesn't work, follow my advice above.

[Lovemedo]

I don't think you should have to ignore it.

I've always felt that both parties have the right to sex when they need it. After all if you can't get it when you are married, then why be married.

We're not married yet! :eek:

But that seems to be put on the back burner too, although I wouldn't get married feeling like I do at the moment about the sex front!

I understand men are different from women but I thought it was men that complained of lack of sex not us gals!

[Lovemedo]

Is it maybe the kids thing? He's not ready for kids, so he doesn't want to have sex, because he's afraid that's what you're thinking?

You DEFINITELY need to talk about it. Use "I" statements, and tell him how you feel. Don't blame, nag, or bring up other subjects. Stick completely to the topic.

If that doesn't work, follow my advice above.

You're maybe right about that... but still we don't have to have sex to have kids! Im not going to conceive naturally so I've been told so it's not like we're going to have a surprise!

[smoothy]

We're not married yet! :eek:

But that seems to be put on the back burner too, although I wouldn't get married feeling like I do at the moment about the sex front!

I understand men are different from women but I thought it was men that complained of lack of sex not us gals!!

That's true for most guys... I think there is something going on... he might be unhappy with something or he's fooling around on the side and doesn't have energy for two women. Its hard to guess which might be the case. If he's spanking the monkey its likely he's upset about something and either can'e tell you what it is or he might have tried and has been brushed off. If he can wank himself he could be having sex with you.

[Lovemedo]

Thats true for most guys....I think there is something going on...he might be unhappy with something or he's fooling around on the side and doesn't have energy for two women. Its hard to guess which might be the case.

As we got together when we were both with other peeps that has popped into my head, but I just don't think he has it in him now as he's working really hard at work (so he says) and is exhausted when he gets home but manages to play on PC all night...

Aaarrrrggghhhh! :mad: I wish he came with a manual lol

[Choux]

Hidden resentment---he doesn't want to have children with you. That is the most obvious one!

[smoothy]

He isn't too tired if he plays on the PC all night. I still think there is something that you aren't aware of but is bothing him deeply. If he's polishing the candlestick he's capable of having sex with you.

[Choux]

Seems like since you do everything for him, you are his substitute mother... he doesn't want to have children with you at this time. He probably knows he is too immature at some level.

Note, he doesn't have any outside interests as you portray him... sports, hobbies, all kinds of stuff.

Why rush to have children?

[450donn]

Do you think this is the answer? I've thought about it already, but I really do love him. He's got issues too, just need to talk to him. I've never got any problems normally in saying things to people, yet this is sensitive and I don't want to rock the boat...jus the bed!!

You said it yourself "I have been feeling like our relationship is a battle, he's like fort knox won't let me in and I can't seem to want to get out (If that make sense)"
From what you are telling us it is YOU that is putting in the effort to make this work not him.
Sex is clearly an issue "I've tried to laugh it off with him, but things just aren't changing and I'm frustrated with the situation. I've even been spying on him when he thinks I'm asleep only to find him on the net as usual pleasuring himself when he clearly knows It annoys me, especially when I'm feeling that he now finds me unattractive although he says he doesn't." And it will not get better, it will only get worse. I don't know what all of the issues are, but to me it is clear he is not interested in fixing it, and you cannot do it alone. Better to cut your losses now, before the kids start to arrive and you really find yourself stuck in a loveless relationship. I know sex is only part of it, but if it is an issue now, think about 20 years from now what it will be like.