[Stryda23]

Hey guys, I'm not one to ask about problems online but I've had ongoing problems with an ex girlfriend and I need some advice on what to do. I'm 19 and in my 2nd year at uni. This is a massive post so thanks to anyone who reads all of it =)

I met the ex in question when I was 15, and we dated for just under 2 years. We were young but it was very serious from the offset. We both lost our virginities together and were both completely in love. Never have I met a girl I've been able to relate to so easily and got on with so well. Things were brilliant - we went away together on holiday and practically did everything together - and then all of a sudden things turned sour. We started arguing about stupid things, people stirred crap up at school and we both became very unhappy very quickly. We broke up several times and got back together again over the space of a few months until we finally decided that was it.

Not long after we split up she went out with a new boyfriend which pretty much sealed up any chances of us going back out. I was gutted and felt that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. To this day I still wish we had just worked through our problems rather than given up so easily. We remained on talking terms for a good year after that, and I had several short-term relationships, but I was never happy and always compared my new girlfriends to her. Shortly after us breaking up she developed both anorexia AND bulimia, although I had no idea of this until much later on.

Over time we spoke less and less as her boyfriend wasn't too keen on us speaking (which is fair enough I guess) but every time we spoke we got on well and we agreed we should always keep contact. Then randomly one day she sent me a text saying she didn't want us to talk any more, I replied and she said that she wanted to make things work properly with her new boyfriend and that meant I couldn't be in her life. She changed her number as she was getting a contract phone and didn't give me the new number. We didn't speak for a couple of months over Summer.

Then comes university - big changes and starting nerves. A few days into freshers week I get a phone call from a random number and answer it - it's her. We speak as though nothing had ever even gone wrong, and in all honesty it was good to hear from her. By sheer coincidence I had arranged to visit my mates at another university for their first weekend after Fresher's - the same uni my ex happens to be at! Whilst there we agreed to meet up and everything went so well, it was as though we'd never even parted. We ended up sleeping together... a bad move as she was still with her current boyfriend, and I felt just as guilty as she did. We just got caught up in a moment of passion and it felt so right at the time. I noticed that she had lost a lot of weight and was looking very gaunt, so I asked her what that was about but she said she had been feeling under the weather and so I dismissed asking her anything further.

We parted ways and continued to talk on the phone. Not long after she tells me that she's got anorerxia with bulimic tendencies, and hasn't eaten properly for just over a year. She tells me that it started several weeks after we broke up and that was to blame for her developing the disorders. Not once had she told me this, which hurt since I would never have thought she'd keep herself from telling me something so serious. I felt as though I was completely to blame for her disorders and I felt an immense sense of guilt. The reason she tells me this is because she's going into a clinic for two weeks to help her. I was in total panic and disarray and wanted to help her in any way that I could.

Not long after she decides to break up with her boyfriend, and tells me the reason for doing so is because he couldn't deal with her problems. I visited her twice and things were good, and I was lad Icould be there for her. I hinted at us giving things another go but she told me she was unsure and in no state to know what to do at that moment in time.

But this is where things got totally messed up. Fast forward a whole two semesters at uni, I've met a girl at uni who I totally hit it off with and things were going so well. At the same time my ex had left the clinic and was getting much better, had gone back to university and met a couple of guys she liked. We continued to speak and she often complained about them both and seemingly played them both off each other, and slept with each of them behind their backs. They were friends although she's driven them apart now and they now no longer speak to one another. I expressed my dislike of this to her and told her that she had changed since going to university.

Then one day, completely out of the blue, just towards the end of Summer, I ring her except one of the guys she was seeing answers instead and tells me that she no longer wants to talk to me. I was completely taken aback, after everything we had spoken about and been through, after everything I had done to try and be there for her - that's it. I try texting her, emailling her, ringing her asking for an explanation but get nothing. No reply. The girl at university decides to go and cheat on me and everything went ing pete tong in an instant.

I didn't know what to do, advice from friends seemed like crap, I couldn't talk to my ex and the girl I was seeing at the time - well, I just didn't want to ing talk to her.

Summer arrives a few weeks after all these events, I decided to go home early to get a job and try and distance my life from everything for a bit. I couldn't get the fact that my ex had just wanted to stop talking to me out of my head. And the fact that it wasn't even her who had said it. I sent her an email probably twice a week hoping for a reply over the space of two months, although she never replied and then blocked me on Facebook. It hurt so ing much, but in the end I stopped emailing as it was obvious she didn't want to hear from me and it felt like what I was doing was just stalkerish. 20-ish emails with no reply is just... draining and too far.

I managed to land an awesome job working for the council over Summer, which manged to take my mind off things. For the remaining 2 months before going back to university I decided to hang out as much as possible with friends and decided to lay off pursuing any kind of relationship for a while. And then, all of a sudden I receive an email from my ex girlfriend, bearing in mind I haven't spoken to her for 4 months and received no kind of explanation for her behaviour. In it she said how she realised it "would have been our 4 year anniversary" had we still been together. I didn't know what to do, it was so surreal getting an email from someone after sending so many myself nad never getting a reply. I spoke to my parents about it and they said that it would be best if I didn't reply, but curiosity got the better of me and I sent back an email. Most of all I wanted to find out why she stopped talking to me like that, although we never got onto the subject. We spoke briefly about what we were up to etc, and then she said OK I think it's best we stop talking again, and that she wanted to get good closure and that we should now move on. I sent her an angry email asking "why the hell did you just stop talking to me in the first place?" but never received a reply. By this point it was driving me crazy - I like to know where I stand in life but this was just ridiculous. It was hard but I just walked away and didn't bother sending another email.

Then a month later my phone buzzes with an "unknown" number. I answer it to find out it's my ex phoning me. I was just speechless. It was like - huh? Just totally crazy. Turns out she had got my number off a mutual friend at her uni.

We talked on the phone for about 2 hours - which is ridiculous when you think about it. There were no hard feelings or tension, which is just ridiculous when you think about it. She tells me the reason she cut me out of her life is because she had so much to deal with. Her bulimia was coming back and she had enough stresses at uni with guys etc (stresses, funnily enough, that she's created.) We've been talking now, on and off for two months or so. Turns out when ringing me she had only just broken up with one of these guys and she had been with him over Summer. He's a possessive and domineering guy. He's threatened her and trashed her room on several occasions although never physically harmed her. Such guys are a joke and she knows that she should break up with him. He keeps tabs on her when she goes out at uni and constanty checks her phone and emails - that's not on. Her parents don't like it and neither do her friends, but she keeps going back.

Anyway I gathered the reason she's only talking to me is because she's broken up with this guy. Although she denies this. She then tells me how much she misses me and that we should meet up. I suggest she comes visit me here at uni since she also has a friend here who she can see at the same time, and stay over there. Plans are made and then she cancels. Despite the fact we've been talking for two months she still hasn't given me her number and rings me on withheld on weekends when she's not a university. Am I being a mug by talking to her? We get on well, but she's changed so much and is not the same girl I used to know and love. When we talk we always end up talking about the past and how good it was, and how stupid it was for us to break up. I really do miss her, and I've realised this since we've started talking again. Am I dreaming about something that won't happen again? Is she just messing me around?

Funny thing is my friend (the joint friend) at her university now tells me she's back together with this guy - and that happened this week. I had a missed call from an unknown number the other day (a Saturday) which I'm going to assume was her. But she hasn't bothered to ring me back since. I'm guessing it's probably to tell me that she thinks we shouldn't talk any more... I could be wrong but judging how things have panned out in the past I wouldn't be surprised.

Despite her ing me around I still can't help but miss her though. What the hell do I do? Should I tell her to off next time she rings me? Or try and be friends? Or try to see if things go further? The fact that she won't give me her number baffles me. She says she doesn't want me to ring her during the week in case she's around the guy at uni. Although I've told her I wouldn't do that!

Any help/opinions would be great. Thanks in advance guys... M

[BlackVY]

Wow... I read the whole thing...

Sorry to say, but straight to the point, she is playing you. You are like her back up and when she has no one, she turns to you. You are something of a gay good friend who a girl doesn't want to be with me, but can just pull up when they want.

Seems like she is really treating you badly and you just seem to take it. Its not good dude. You have to respect yourself more. You yourself said she is not the same person you fell in love with and she has changed a lot, just as she said. So then why do you keep thinking of getting back with her? She is a totally different person now. The person you were with is gone and this person now is just using you.

Sorry man, I know this is not something u'd want to hear, but I don't think you should talk to her now. She has done thing "I don't think we should talk anymore" thing to you so many times, then she comes back and acts like nothing happened when she needs you. That's not good. Now I think its time for you to do the "I don't think we should talk anymore" thing... and keep it at that. You seem like a cool dude and in my opinion you could do much better than this girl. As good as she WAS, she ain't that good NOW, so leave her alone, get on with your life and find someone worth it. Good luck. Peace

[xxariesxx]

I read the whole post too. Yeah.. wow. I am so sorry about everything that has happened.

You really do need to just break it off with her, period, for good, forever. You have a lot of history together, but you don't owe her anything. She's a big girl now, she can take care of herself, and if she doesn't it's her own problem. She is using you when she needs you, but then ditches you when she doesn't? Does she really think it's OK she can call you whenever she wants but you're not allowed to have her number to call her back either?

She has no respect for you and is only using you as a backup support system. Stop wasting your time and emotions on this girl; no matter how wonderful she was back then, she's not the same, she won't ever BE the same; she's changed, you changed, you have to move on.

Tell her you can't talk to her anymore and state the reasons, then let that be it. Don't answer any unknown numbers, let them go to your voicemail. If it's her, no matter what she says, don't respond. Delete it and block the number. She doesn't deserve a response.

You do sound like a great guy. Move on and don't look backk.

[Stryda23]

Cheers for the great advice guys, I needed that. When you say I don't owe her anything you're completely right, I just need to get over the fact I feel that, for some reason, I do.

I think it relates back to me being blamed for her bulimia... thing is I know I can't be blamed for that but I still let it bother me. It's funny the effect some people have on you eh?

Anyway thought I'd bring you an update:

She decided to give me her number the other day and we've spoken some more over the last few days. She's officially cut things off with the guy at university and she's been crying to me down the phone. Truth is, I don't like it - like you both say I'm not a post to lean on when she feels like it, and at the end of the day I don't owe her anything.

I'll let her walk all over me and use me as emotional back up when she feels like it, before she throws me back out her life. I've just never had the balls to throw her out my life from some misplaced sense of guilt.

I've deleted the number she gave me. I know she's just broken up with her boyfriend and she's very upset, so I'll wait until she's calmed down and things are okay, then it's time to move on.

If she's got problems in the future, she can go to someone else

[xxariesxx]

You're right in realizing you don't owe her OR are responsible for her bulimia. For her to even tell you that is emotional blackmail, stating "well you need to be here for me because look what you did!"... but that's not the case. It's like with depression, people can blame their depression on others, but its not the others' fault; it's how the person with the condition deals with it. Your break up didn't cause her bulimia, it's her character and how she deals with things. Not your fault whatsoever.

I know you're trying to be a nice guy by letting her vent out her emotions while she's going through this hard time. That's a fine line though... I say that because I've been there, with an ex, when he's called me on the verge of a total meltdown. And you're torn between knowing you shouldn't be talking to them, but at the same time you don't want anything to happen to them either.
Let me tell you though, that no matter what she does or doesn't do, it is not your fault.

Ultimately it's your decision but I would break it off now and let her walk on her own two legs for once in her life. It's about time.

[DeleteAndBan]

"Then randomly one day she sent me a text saying she didn't want us to talk any more"

"I ring her except one of the guys she was seeing answers instead and tells me that she no longer wants to talk to me."

"We spoke breifly about what we were up to etc, and then she said ok I think it's best we stop talking again, and that she wanted to get good closure and that we should now move on"

I guess the main reason why you keep talking to her is because you get some kind of satisfaction from thinking that you the one who "understands" her, knows she is not "the same person" and you're the only one who can "help her".

Maybe this sounds familiar to you:
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

[Boristheblade]

OMG you are your own worst enemy, sorry my friend but you REALLY need to cut this attention seeking girl out of her life, let her get the help she needs and be somebody else's problem-however hard it might be/you may care for her.

[victoriaweaver2]

I'm so sorry for everything she's put you through.

As much as you probably won't want to hear this, you'll probably be like this around her for the rest of your life, until you find someone who blows you away. You've got to just keep your chin up and keep looking. Good luck man! :)