[christianme]

Hi There... I need help... I need suggestions... I need advice... I need prayers

I'm a christian girl in a relationship with a muslim guy who is already married with a kid. Due to problems in his first marriage, he has been forced to go for a second marriage by his family since many years and he has declined. However ever since we have been together he has been rethinking the option of a second marriage.

After a lot of explaining (since I am a christian and he a muslim) to his family he was able to convince them and get their approval to get married to me. Less than a year ago the nikkah was done and their family is so very happy and believe that we are meant to be together.

Now the problems are... he will not be able too divorce his first wife since there will be no one to take care of her and his child, but by all means and as per all islamic rules he is allowed to get married a second time. It is fair and not illegal and he has not broken any islamic rules. Nothing was hidden from me. It was initially difficult for me to accept the existence of his wife and kid but as days went by I was able to accept it. He really loves me a lot and we have a lot of dreams for a good life together with the presence of God in our lives.

My family does not know about this... they are unaware of the length and depth of our relationship. They are strictly saying no to it. I am very hurt for them bcoz they will face a lot of disgrace from the society if this happens and I pray... I don't want them to bow their heads down for me. They have gone through so much in life. If at all they agree to this, they will not understand the concept of him getting married when he already has a wife and a kid... i.e. without a divorce from his first wife. My family will not understand bcoz we are christians and this does not happen in christianity

For the satisfaction of my family he has said that he would convert so my parents would not be disgraced, but of course his family will not know that he was converting. I have converted for his and his family's sake. So I am a muslim for them but at home I will be a christina for my family.

As for the children that God will gift us, he has said that we would teach them both religions and let them decide which one to follow.

Our love is sincere and we don't want anyone to be hurt. We want the blessings of everyone. At the moment there seems to be no ray of hope considering that my parents don't agree. His parents really want me to go home to them and be a part of their sons life since they believe I will bring lots of peace in his life.even though the nikkah has been done, we don't stay together. His parents are waiting for my green signal after approval from my parents so that they can publicize the marriage. At the moment everyone is mum about it for my sake. Only his immediate family members know about this now.

If my parents do not agree to this, we have no option but to part. Which means both of us would be forced to get married to some other person. Can't think of that life...

Please advise... suggest... PRAY... thank you

[lawanwadee]

Run... as fast as you can.

[talaniman]

If you must get blessings thru lies, and deceit, you dishonor both religions and yourself.

It seems either way you go, someone will not be happy, so I suggest you go the route that makes you happy, and let those others live with it.

Once your married, can he get another wife, if you don't work out???

If his first marriage didn't work, what makes you think you will fare better?

Have you met the wife, he cannot divorce, or know what future arrangements will be made to accommodate her, and his kids???

Will they live with you??

There are to many questions here for me to be comfortable with, and if I were you, I would be looking at some more research, and not just take his word.

Converting for convenience, or to get what you want, will bite you in the butt, and the butts of your children.

[christiangirl]

I really appreciate your reply and concerns... thank you... and may god bless you...

I think I need to give you a little more clarity on the issue...

I agree with you... if I must get blessing through lies, deceit we will dishonour ourselves... but we have a good intention behind this... I know that this is not an excuse for it, but...

About his first wife... yes I have met her and I know for sure why he is getting married a second time. Well if he intended to cheat me, then it must be him and only him who gives me promises... be it true or false promises. However, like I said his family is behind him to get married and I know he has got the best of proposals from muslim girls. I know how desperate his family is to get him married but he said no to everyone... was not even interested to see the girls... only because he did not want to get married to someone just for the sake of getting married. But when we met... things were different dear... we believe that we can fulfil each others lives.
His family made sure that I know everything about his past life before we got married. They insisted on telling me everything in spite of him telling them that he already told me. They wanted to be sure that nothing is hidden.
His wife and kid is not going to stay with us. He is already separated from them... the only problem being that he can't just leave them... because there will be no one to take care of them... he has to fulfil his duty
I know that you might very easily doubt how trustable this person is... but I have known and experienced the sincere, god fearing person he is and his family is...
I realise the whole thing about converting is very confusing and how long will we be able to dwell in this lies... I know I know and it hurts me to no extent but we are only hoping for a good life together... just for you info... we are not young love birds... both of us are in our 30's and we truly understand that we are not going through the romance phase. This is mature love... a very deep love that we want us to be happy but not at the cost of any one else's happiness...

I thank you and totally agree with your concerns... I must tell you that your last statements (never make a person... /life is hard... /obstacles are what appears... ) were very inspirational... I thank you for your advice and look forward to the same again after you read this... May God bless you.

[talaniman]

But we have a good intention behind this... I know that this is not an excuse for it, but...

That's a big but, and your intentions may be good, but its still lies and deceit.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions""

I am so sorry as your rushing head long, the wrong way, into something that should be clean, and honorable, and upfront, before your God.

If its worth doing, its worth doing the right way, and if can't pass that test, don't do it.

Besides what the hurry when you can give it thought, and seek counsel, and have a better plan.

A very deep love that we want us to be happy

You can bet he has said that before with his first wife.

What happened to them, and what sect of muslim is he?
JMHO!

[christiangirl]

Thank you again...

Well I don't know what to say...

How could we be together... do you have any suggestions...

[talaniman]

How long have you been dating? How long have you known him? What country do you reside in?

[christiangirl]

Known him for 3 years... the country doesn't matter... does it...

[talaniman]

Yes it does, as the rule of conduct have a very important role in what you must decide. Not only in tradition, but law.

[christiangirl]

OK... We are from India

[HistorianChick]

You answered your own question.

Your parents/family will never support this relationship/marriage (sorry, but I see it as bigamy); therefore, if you value your relationship with your family, you will end this madness.

I'm a Christian girl... and I know what my family would say if I even considered what you are doing.

I do have a question though - how could you even consider a relationship with someone who is not only of another faith, but also one so contrary to everything you believe?

If you go through with this, how will you raise your children? Does Christianity mean nothing to you? Your "husband" won't allow his children to be Christians (you know that as well as the rest of us)... so, your Christianity must mean nothing.

This is the bed you're making for yourself. If you decide to lie in it, that is your choice.

[christiangirl]

Thank you for your advice...

Unfortunately I agree with everything you have said and these are the facts which eat me up every moment...

Well I agree and I keep asking myself the same question over and over again... how could I enter into this relationship in the first place...
But I know and understand the situation very well which is leadign this person to take the step of second marriage, probably that's why I accept his bigamy. And I also understand why he cannot just leave his wife and kid on the streets... he is considerate enough to take care of them in spite of getting married to me...
The fact that his parents and family are totally for it and has been asking him to start his life which has been screwed up. Doesn't this make it clear to you that this is not the playing around or cheathing of a man.

The difference in religion really hurts me. I don't have to convert but our children will have to be brought up as muslims... yeah that's a fact.

For your info... we are not young lovers in a relationship... we are quite old and past all the good days of our life. We are two mature individuals sincerely in love and struggling to get together and start a family life and setup a home... since it is already too late considering our ages. The fact is that we are similar in every way other than our religions... which is so important bcoz of which we are struggling to be together today.. .

I know God is the only one who can work a miracle and make this happen... thank you for your advice...

[HistorianChick]

And I am not a young "whippersnapper" myself. I've seen a bit of what cross religion marriages do to a family. I lived in China for two years and saw Buddhists marrying Christians... beginning a marriage with such conflicting systems of belief has never been a good idea. What's that verse - I'm sure you know it... "Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers." That's pretty straightforward.

But all religion aside... Its not a question of whether this man is a good person or a kind hearted individual, it IS a question of morality.

You were brought up different then him. Your parents and family taught you about marriage and family. Your family gave you you religious foundation, a foundation that you built upon and made your own. You say that you're a mature individual - from that I assume that you are established in who you are, what you believe, and are already "what you want to be when you grow up."

Look at this from an outsiders perspective... you are contemplating marrying a man who is already married! For the sake of this argument, lets not even look at what such contrasting religions can do to a family. Just the simple fact of you not being the second wife, but the other wife.

I can't see that your family would ever except that. If you were my sister, I wouldn't. I'd still love you, but you'd never get me to think what you're contemplating doing is OK.

I hope that you can get some resolve in this situation. These are just thoughts from an innocent, Christian bystander.

[talaniman]

The best advice I can give, is to resolve these issues before you think of marriage, and be clear as to what would be expected of you both.

No way can I advise you to be second, lie to your relatives, give up your beliefs, or even the choice of how your kids are raised. His culture gives him authority to decide, but only you can give him authority over you. I advise against that.

You want to be together? Do it on equal terms, clean, and unfettered by custom, tradition, or dogma that conflicts with your own.

Sounds good on paper, but reality says it will cause problems down the road.

He can always get wife #3. So learn the lesson of wife #1.

[sasha_1]

I am from India. I have close Muslim friends I grew up with. And according to them (not me), muslims DO NOT take more than one wife nowadays. It used to occur long long back, but the educated people do not do it anymore.

If your finace's family is allowing that, they must be very very orthodox or something fishy is going on (sorry to be blunt).

Have you tried to find out on what grounds he is unable to divorce his current wife? The excuse that there will be no one to take care of them seems lame. There is something called 'alimony'. Don't take his word for the excuse. Ask a kaazi, do your own research on Muslim laws.

About the part where you are convinced because his family is also supporting him in marrying you... the same family will ALSO have supported him when he got married to his first wife. Now, for reasons you have not mentioned, they are against this lady and want their son to get married again. What is the guarantee that if something does not work between you two, they will not turn against you and force their son to get married a third time, as muslim law allows a man to have 3 wives (which people never do nowadays). What about the kid from his first wife? Is his family taking care of the kid (which I think they should).

[Dare81]

You answered your own question.

Your parents/family will never support this relationship/marriage (sorry, but I see it as bigamy); therefore, if you value your relationship with your family, you will end this madness.

I'm a Christian girl... and I know what my family would say if I even considered what you are doing.

I do have a question though - how could you even consider a relationship with someone who is not only of another faith, but also one so contrary to everything you believe?

If you go through with this, how will you raise your children? Does Christianity mean nothing to you? Your "husband" won't allow his children to be Christians (you know that as well as the rest of us)... so, your Christianity must mean nothing.

This is the bed you're making for yourself. If you decide to lie in it, that is your choice.

Being a muslim I find this highly offensive.What kind of a bed is she making for herself, her childern are not going to be a devil worshipers but muslims.Its the secound largest religion in the world.A lot of people get into inter religion marriages and a lot of them are successful.In by the way chisristianity and islam have a lot in common.

My advice is to be honest with your respective families, Chose a religion islam or christianity.He cannot be a muslim and christian at the same and neither can you.Marriages are hard as it is , and when you invovle two different religions it gets harder.Communication and honesty are the key.

[Dare81]

Islam permits a man to have up to four wives, if he is able to treat them fairly and give them all their rights. He does not have to inform his first wife of his desire to marry a second or that he has already done so.

[christiangirl]

well... I understand all your concerns and advices and arguments.

according to the christian way... this is a total no in all aspects.

according to the muslim way... this is right in every way.

either case it doesn't make us feel any better...
because both of us are dying to be together... dying to start a family have children... dying to help our family... dying to help those less fortunate than us... dying to live a pious and loving life... but all this... not at the cost of breaking the hearts of our parents. We know their value in our lives and hence will not do anything against their will... we want to start our life with their blessings and happiness and God will not permit us to do anything against their will...

we didn't think it would be so difficult when we set out... now I know why they say that love is blind...

could there be any solution to this or is it a miracle that has to change the tide...

God bless you all...

[Dare81]

You guyz really need to deicide how both of you are going to raise your chidern, is he going to let them date when they grow up, what religion are they going to be, stuff like that.If you don't get these issue resolved right away there might be a problem later on.
I also think you both need to be really honest with your respective families.Islam does permit marriages with christians.So there is nothing unislamic about marrying a christian.

Good Luck

[talaniman]

Don't let love blind you, and the need to be with him fool you. After 3 years you are confused, and have no plan that works for you both. What does that tell you?

Keep talking, there is no hurry, and you may as well do it right. Your future happiness, and that of your children depend on it.

Make no mistake, its not your religions that bother me, its his freedom to have more wives thats my issue, as you would be devastated, if you found out you were not exclusive with him, and as of now, your not, and never will be.

And that could get worse, for you and your future kids. SINCE THERE IS NO DIVORCE!!