ACKKKK I'm having a meltdown!

orange · Jun 21, 2006, 10:05 PM

Just as I was getting settled into a nice routine here with my new 6 week old baby, my 4 and 6 year old, my husband, and my parents (who are staying here with us until the end of September), and just as my back was starting to get better...

Tonight my sister-in-law, Debbie, who lives in another province, paid us a totally surprise visit with her 3 kids. She's divorced and has been going through some difficulties lately. When she arrived, we all decided to go out for a late dinner, as the kids hadn't been fed yet and we figured it would be less work. Halfway through dinner, Debbie said she felt poorly and that she'd like to go lay down. So, we gave her the spare keys to the house and said we'd meet her there later. When we get home, there is a note from her. "I'm so sorry, but I can't handle the children right now, can you please take them for a while?" We searched the house, but she and her suitcase were both gone. So, she basically dumped her kids with us and left!! :eek: I guess this is officially Brady Bunch Central now, with 6 kids under 10!

I am really really angry about this. First of all, her children are upset and confused... she neglected to mention anything about this to them. Secondly of course, she didn't ask us if the kids could stay here. But now we are feeling sorry for the kids, not to mention feeling obligated to care for them. This isn't their fault, and I don't want them to feel like we resent them.

Debbie's ex-husband is out of the country, and hasn't seen his children for about 2 years. We are trying to contact him but I doubt that will do any good. I have no idea how long "a while" is to my sister-in-law, either. A week? A month? :eek: I feel like I'm going insane!! There's no other place for the children to go, other than their grandparents who live in BC, and there's no way I'm going to put them on a plane right after their mother flies here and basically abandons them. That would be too traumatic.

My husband is training to be a psychiatrist, and my father IS a psychiatrist, so of course they both have their theories about Debbie right now. But I DON'T CARE!! I'm the one who now has 6 little kids to deal with, 3 of which are sad and scared and crying for Mommy. UGH! If Debbie plans on coming back in the next few days she's better steer clear of me!! GRRR! :mad:

Anyway LOL sorry I just had to vent. I'm not sure there's anything anyone can advise us on with this one, I guess we just have to make due until we find Debbie's ex or Debbie re-appears. The stupid thing is of course, if Debbie had come to us honestly, we probably would have agreed to take the kids for a week or two. It's the way she did it that really bothers me.

Sigh, well I guess I'd better get some sleep now... I'm going to need it!! Thanks for letting me vent.

CaptainForest · Jun 21, 2006, 10:14 PM

Honestly Chava,

I would call the cops on her.

That is not to say you can't take care of the kids, but I would still call the cops on her.

If she is doing this once now, who is to say she won't do it again?

She shouldn't get a free pass is my opinion.

orange · Jun 21, 2006, 10:26 PM

Thanks Captain Forest! I'm still up, bleah. Can't sleep because I am sooo angry. But I'm glad to hear you say that, because we DID call the RCMP tonight, and I felt a bit bad about it, so it's good to know someone else feels it's okay.

Actually in spite of how upset I am about this I am pretty worried about Debbie. Like she's acting weird. I would like the police to find her, just to make sure she isn't going to commit suicide or something. And yes, she did abandon her kids, which is a crime.

Anyway thanks for understanding. I appreciate it.

talaniman · Jun 21, 2006, 11:07 PM

Chava-DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU HAVE VENTED!(really vented):cool:
1-This is an unfortunate and stressful situation and I agree this is a crime- to abandon children:mad:
2-The good thing is the children are in GOOD hands:)
3-Be patient until ALL the facts are in!!
4-It must take a lot for a mother to leave her children with no explanation! :mad:
5-The welfare of the children comes first, be patient until all the facts come to light!! (did I repeat myself?? )
6-Just a question... for when you are not mad... anymore-Have you been chosen to step forward again?;)
7-Do not answer 6 WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT!
8- I have faith that not only will you get to the heart of THIS problem, but your solution will be the RIGHT one:)

talaniman · Jun 21, 2006, 11:08 PM

Forgive the numbers!:cool: :confused:

jduke44 · Jun 22, 2006, 01:49 PM

I agree with the Captain. I think that is terrible of her to dump the kids on you like that. Not to straddle the fence but I also agree with talaniman that it must have been hard for her to leave them. She is feeling stressed but it still doesn't give her the right to do this. God must know what he is doing to have her leave the kids with you. Keep the thought of caring about your sister-in-law but not to the point that she walks all over you. You've got your own family to care for and a 6 week old that needs you more than any of them right now (except your husband if you know what I mean) ;) LOL. Keep us posted.

valinors_sorrow · Jun 22, 2006, 02:06 PM

She fits right in with my biological family Chava... and I am so sorry, sweetie. How very very very desperate or unkind of her all around. One of those thousand nameless mental illnesses at work here, I bet. You all need to sort it out so the appropriate things can happen and those who need care, get it. And I trust you all will too.

Breath in, breathe out. (hugs)

orange · Jun 22, 2006, 02:13 PM

Thanks talaniman and jduke (oh and val too... we must have posted at the same time!). I think I'm done venting / being angry. Ugh I'm just too exhausted. Alex and I were up half the night alternately with the baby and with crying kids. Then I got up early to make breakfast for the brood, and had to go on a big shopping spree with kids in tow while my mom stayed home to clean up the huge mess. Then took the kids to McDonalds for lunch, mostly for the indoor play structure and a rest for me. We stayed there for nearly 90 minutes... longest I've ever been in a McDonalds! I kept ordering coffee so they wouldn't kick us out, lol. Came home, and banished the kids to the backyard, where they proceeded to get very muddy and started throwing rocks. Sigh. Then back inside again, where my mom and I had to bathe the kids, bathe the 2 dogs who also got muddy, do laundry, and clean up the huge mud trail. Now they are all thankfully having "quiet time".

The RCMP have not found my sister-in-law yet, but it hasn't been very long. Still, we're feeling quite worried and anxious about her. When I unpacked the children's things I found that Debbie had packed their birth certificates, medical records, all their important papers, etc... which indicates to me that she plans on being away a while. We have also not been able to get a hold of the children's father yet, but no big surprise there.

I did speak to Alex's parents (Debbie is their daughter), and they are frantic. I guess Debbie totally moved out of the place she was living in, and her phone number is disconnected. They told me that Debbie had been acting strange lately, too. Like sick strange, and they were worried about her and the children... but very relieved that the kids are with me and Alex. Yeah... good ol' Chava and Alex! Bleah. :rolleyes:

DrJ · Jun 22, 2006, 02:44 PM

Wow... quite a story... sounds like a movie or something. I wish I had the words to console here but I don't. That's quite a handful and now you have to put your life on hold.

The sad thing is that even if you do find her, is she even fit to take care of her kids at all? You may want to be thinking long term here just in case.

orange · Jun 22, 2006, 02:51 PM

Sigh... yeah my whole life's a movie it seems! Thanks for the rep, wish I could reciprocate, but I've given out too much rep again. And yes, we have to think about what's going to happen longterm. Debbie, if and when they find her, may need psychiatric help, so it's hard to say what's going to become of the kids.

aqua@home · Jun 22, 2006, 06:13 PM

Chava, just thought I would let you know I think you are doing a great job. You must be quite the people to be able to be trusted the way you are.

Your sister-in-law must really be going through a hard time right now. It's good the kids have you and your family. Even with that being true, I would not take on the responsibility of this family all at once. What I mean to say, is that if you need to decide what to do with the kids, I don't think you should feel guilt either way. As stated earlier I'm sure you will make the right decision no matter what that might be.

What I said might not have made any sense but I do want to wish you and your family the best. Take care.

Myth · Jun 22, 2006, 06:16 PM

I can honestly say I know what your going through. I raised my brother and sister and until the last couple of years have been caring for everyone else's children. Just do me a favor, take the kids that are old enough go out into the backyard and scream at the top of your lungs with them... It helps get the stress out and to be able to breath... it may sound funny and the neibors might think your crazy but stress can kill you, and it's no good for the little ones. Next, set down the rules... Kids can be very manipulative even in grief to get what they want, make sure your firm and try to be fair. It looks like your going to be the authority figure for some time to come and this will help in the long run... Sorry... Next I would suggest that the newest additions don't get too much slack or attention from you, alex or your parents... this may seem harsh but it will help them adjust quickly into there new situation and accept you more as the authority. After that... Take a deep breath and a nice bubble bath and try to relax a bit, if your stressed and angry they're going to pick up on it. Especially your 6week old. I would try and worry as little as possible about where Debbie is, there's nothing you can do that you haven't already. Concentrate on your family however extended that is. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger the saying goes. Right now even though you don't feel strong and you feel like your going to break your not. You wouldn't have to go through all of this if it wasn't up to the plan laid out for you. Always remember that we're here for you hun. No matter what's going on or who you have to vent to we're always an outlet to listen and get feedback from. I know if I were you I would be very mad too... I know that I might also seek out an attorney too to make sure those children stay in your care and don't become "wards of the state". You know yourself what can happen when that happens. I wish you the best of luck and let us know how things are going. It looks like you've been given a lot of lemons in life recently, time to make some lemonade. Keep us posted on everything

orange · Jun 22, 2006, 08:45 PM

Well things are settling down a bit... the kids all went to bed at 8 pm, although the 2 older ones were allowed to stay awake reading until 9 pm. I am exhausted, and I actually feel quite depressed as well. Hopefully it's just from the stress and being tired. If I feel like this for a few days though I might ask my dad to prescribe me something. Because ugh I feel really really down, and that's not normal for me.

Anyway thanks again everyone for your support. I will keep you posted. There is no news on Debbie or her ex.

Myth · Jun 22, 2006, 09:00 PM

Change is always difficult. The ups and downs of life seem to stress us more than any single event seems to... Like I said take a deep breath and a relaxing bubble bath and let the stress go... It might not stay away but it's better to have a break to remember than not to and get more stressed. Feel better hun and remember if you weren't such a wonderful person you wouldn't have all this love to go around.

Stormy69 · Jun 22, 2006, 11:18 PM

Dear heavens Chava, I have no wonderful words of advice or wisdom. I just want to say what an AMAZING woman I think you are and give you a huge hug and all the support in the world. I can't believe a mother could abandon her children like that. No matter how hard her life may seem at this time. Those poor kids have got to be so confused and hurt:( hang in there sweetheart. God never gives us more than we can handle. Although it may not seem like it right now.You are just amazing and I really hope Debbie gets her head on straight and realizes the HUGE mistake she has made.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 23, 2006, 01:34 AM

Orange,

Well this Debbie one, at least she did not do anything bad to the children. I know just dropping them off and taking off that way is bad as well, but I mean things like murder suicide. Somebody going off the deep end mad and does not want to bother with life anymore. I am happy that she trusted you guys enough to leave the children with you because obvously she does not trust herself with them right now. I am glad that you called the RCMP. It is good that you got them involved, right away. The longer you wait the harder it would be to trace her. So take it easy. I am hoping for the best with everybody that is involved. You are doing really well considering all the changes that has be happening.

Joe

orange · Jun 23, 2006, 12:48 PM

Thanks again everyone for your support. I'm feeling a bit better today. I was able to sleep in, because my father was worried about me yesterday and wouldn't let the kids wake me up this morning. He and my mom took care of them. Still no word on Debbie or her ex. Alex's parents want to fly out here and I guess I can't very well say no, but yikes like we don't have enough people in this house already!! With Alex's parents here the head count would go up to 12. Anyway Alex is going to talk to them about it some more today, to see if that's what they really want to do. I guess they're going crazy with worry out in BC though, and figure they can worry better with us? :rolleyes: I don't know...

J_9 · Jun 23, 2006, 01:34 PM

Well, Chava, you said you needed more bodies to fill that new house!!

Well, not to make fun of your situation, but consider the children lucky that Debbie left them with you. You have those wonderful doctor men in your family that can really help all involved with this situation. As another answer said she could have committed murder/suicide.

I am keeping you in my thoughts. I really hope all goes well. Have you all checked hospitals to see if Debbie may have checked herself into one?

Keep us posted. And keep you chin up, you apparently are the stable person she feels comfortable leaving her kids with.

orange · Jun 24, 2006, 02:31 PM

Well, still no news for us, from Debbie or her ex. We did check the hospitals as you mentioned Janine (with no luck), and the RCMP has said that there have been no activities on Debbie's credit cards, and she's not tried to cross the border into the US or fly anywhere (I don't know how they track all that stuff, but I guess they do it with computers!).

Alex's parents are flying here tonight, sigh. So practically the whole Kohen clan will be in our house, all we need now is Alex's unmarried brother and everyone would be here! I'm not sure yet what's going to happen with the kids, but my 4 and 6 year old are starting summer day camp next week, and we've made arrangements to send Debbie's kids to the camp as well, if they're still here. I can't wait for next week!! I feel a little guilty saying so, but I am sooo sick of kids right now! Alex feels the same way. The kids will be gone for whole days, 8:30 - 3:30, Monday to Friday! It's going to be wonderful. Alex is even thinking of trying to get a week off or so, so that we can spend more time together. We might even go to a hotel for a weekend (with the baby of course), and let the assorted grandparents take care of the kids. I am really stressed from being with kids 24/7, and Alex is stressed from work and also studying, so we both badly need a break.

J_9 · Jun 25, 2006, 07:51 PM

Chava, as I mentioned before, my thoughts are with you. Please keep me updated either here, PM, or e-mail. Does Debbie have a computer at her home? If so, you may want to check to see if she has met someone online and gone off.

Keep us posted, and good luck. Have a nice quiet day tomorrow.