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ariestorm · Nov 10, 2008, 09:59 PM

I lost my husband 2 yrs ago at 28 yrs old and I'm super alone and lost without him. He was my rock and I never got to say goodbye. He broke a promise to me and the last thing I said to him was "I hated him for breaking that promise" and I hung up the phone. He did not take his own life. I dream about him sometimes and he never talks to me why? He holds me and I talk to him and he never talks back. I miss him so much its almost been two years and I cannot move on. I keep myself busy by going to the gym (compulsively) and working and going to University. He left me with so much heartache and a house to take care of and I don't care if I live or die. I would never hurt myself but when I drive sometimes I see a car accident happening to me (almost a vision) and I'm not afraid I'm actually happy. When will this get better? I have stopped seeing my phychiatrist because she's trying to get me to forget him. I love dreaming of him but why won't he talk to me?

RNDavid872 · Nov 11, 2008, 12:36 AM

This is a guess, and I'm sorry, but it's the best I can do... In neurophysiology, dreams are actually something very similar to memories. If your husband broke a promise to you, your trust in him was somewhat betrayed-as a result, the part of your brain that dreams doesn't know what he would say anymore. Try forgiving your husband for breaking that promise and while you're at it, forgive him for dying. You're in a lot of pain over this loss and he may be being silent because YOU don't know what you want him to say to you.

kraussnumber2 · Nov 11, 2008, 02:17 AM

I don't know much about the science of this but when I have had similar experiences I have tried to change the way I think about the life experience that is fueling the dreams. For instance... instead of reliving the last exchange of words try to remember all the good times and happy memories. Espeically before you go to bed. My husband has ptsd from combat and this seems to help him as it has helped me in the past. Also... I know this sounds crazy... but sometimes you can take control of your dreams while you are dreaming them. I have often changed my dreams from nightmares into something more pleasant. Im not really sure how to explain how to do it but it is just like powerful thoughts to yourself in your dream and you might get your dream husband to respond. I hope you find some relief. Maybe try a different therapist, one who helps you remember the good things instead of forgetting it all. Good luck

450donn · Nov 11, 2008, 08:05 AM

To me it sounds like you are stuck in stage 2 grief. You need professional help to get beyond this stage or you will die there all alone. Please get some professional help.

SimpleguyJoe · Nov 11, 2008, 02:39 PM

You love him dearly, this much is to be expected from a wife. But you also have an obligation to your husband to move on! What do you really think he would want from you? To be upset the rest of your life for him or to take in the good and put it to memory and keep it there?

Maybe in the dream he is not talking to you because its symbolizing something, maybe he was trying to explain why he broke that promise and you just dident listen? So forgive him, forgive yourself and move on with your life. As much as it sucks it's not healthy to live in the past.

I've never lost something as close as you did but I did lose my father a few years back. We had our fights and everything but in the end after you accept it all you need to remember is the good.

frangipanis · Nov 11, 2008, 05:35 PM

You're young and still have everything to live for. If he were able to talk to you, your husband would want you to be happy.

Perhaps you could try this: before going to sleep have the conversation with your husband you dream of having.

ariestorm · Nov 11, 2008, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by 450donn

To me it sounds like you are stuck in stage 2 grief. You need professional help to get beyond this stage or you will die there all alone. Please get some professional help.

I did see a counsellor for a long time and now a phsychiatrist until last week when she told me to forget him... I read a "man never dies until he is forgotten" so I phoned her and cancelled all of my apts with her... I talk to him everyday and still visit the gravesite as often as possible and but its not getting better and people grow tired of hearing the same things I go through... I am on anxiety medication because I still have "freak outs"... I am able to meet to other men but compare them to Ray (my husband) and I know its wrong but I don't know any better... ill take down all his pictures one week and put them up again the next... im so lost and feel very unwanted and my life is such a routine which between work, the gym, school, taking out my dog... thats it that's all I do in my life... I have alienated everyone... we had so much planned together and now I don't know where my life is going and don't care! I feel talking to a pshychiatrist about it drains me and I feel they don't want to hear it even though it's their job... I don't like talking about him because I feel guilty, the last words I said were "I hated him"... I know he would want me to move on more than anything but I can't and I don't have the strength left in me... I cry every night and would love to know everything is going to be OK but don't know if it ever will. Shovelling snow, mowing the lawn are tasks that I need to be done but it was him who did it... I don't know how to fix anything so I still rely on my dad to come over... I feel useless, unwanted, unloved, ugly and am disgusted with my life... this is not how it was suppose to be... I thank everyone for their advice sometimes I wish I never met Ray if I knew I would be so miserable almost two years after his death...

Hazel1220 · Nov 11, 2008, 07:39 PM

I know from personal expereince that group therpay sessions are very helpful. At first I and all the others in the group were very nervous but it was amazing the insight I learned from other people and their similar expereinces. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. You should look into group grief therapy. It might be what you are looking for.

ariestorm · Nov 11, 2008, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by Hazel1220

I know from personal expereince that group therpay sessions are very helpful. At first I and all the others in the group were very nervous but it was amazing the insight I learned from other people and their similar expereinces. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. You should look into group grief therapy. It might be what you are looking for.

Thank you I have never looked into that... I know I need some sort of help as I feel I'm lost and losing this battle by not living like I used to. I appreciate your advice thank you so much! Its nice to talk to people who don't judge.

ariestorm · Nov 11, 2008, 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by ariestorm

Thank you I have never looked into that....I know i need some sort of help as I feel im lost and losing this battle by not living like I used to. I appreciate your advice thank you so much! its nice to talk to people who dont judge.

Do you know how I can add my picture? I don't see an photo upload option anywhere?

ariestorm · Nov 11, 2008, 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by SimpleguyJoe

You love him dearly, this much is to be expected from a wife. But you also have an obligation to your husband to move on! What do you really think he would want from you? To be upset the rest of your life for him or to take in the good and put it to memory and keep it there?

Maybe in the dream he is not talking to you because its symbolizing something, maybe he was trying to explain why he broke that promise and you just dident listen? So forgive him, forgive yourself and move on with your life. As much as it sucks it's not healthy to live in the past.

I've never lost something as close as you did but I did lose my father a few years back. We had our fights and everything but in the end after you accept it all you need to remember is the good.

Im sorry about your loss... its so hard... how did you add a picture to your profile I'm not that great with computers but would like to add one. If you wouldn't mind letting me know I would appreciate it. Thanks

Myself2008 · Nov 23, 2008, 05:06 PM

Hi Sweetie,
I understand you very well. I lost my husband 2 years ago too. I get depressed very often, and like you I concentrate in school and working hard, but seems that nothing is helping me with the grieving. I cry a lot and I feel so lonely, and the worst thing is that my daughter s(she is 22),is suffering terrible, because like you, she never had a chance to say goodbye to there daddy. I would like to talk to you, so at the same time ,my daughter can understand the grieving process better. Please e-mail me at EMAIL REMOVED FOR PRIVACY. Be strong. You will be OK. But is going to take a little more time to you to feel normal again.
Best for you,

Elvira Reed

Misery01 · Nov 25, 2008, 02:12 AM

Maybe he loves you too much to talk
You know words when thre heard for the first time after some one has died seem to hurt mutch more because everything comes real
Maybe he's not ready to put you though that pain
I'm sure where ever he is now he doesn't care about what happened he's just missing you as mutch as your missing him
Smile be happy that's what he would want
Maybe some day when you apreciat your life for what it is and you'r happy maybe he will talk then
I'm verry sorry for your loss

Bluerose · Nov 26, 2008, 08:56 PM

Some really good advice there. Forgiveness heals a lot of things and helps us to move on. But we must remember to forgive ourselves too.

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JudyKayTee · Nov 28, 2008, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by SimpleguyJoe

You love him dearly, this much is to be expected from a wife. But you also have an obligation to your husband to move on! What do you really think he would want from you? To be upset the rest of your life for him or to take in the good and put it to memory and keep it there?

Got to disagree - my husband died last year and the LAST thing I need to hear when I'm struggling so hard on so many fronts is what he would WANT from me.

My grieving has nothing to do with what he would want - of course he would want me to move on and I know that better than anyone - but telling me what he would want only makes me more confused and sorrowful.

N0help4u · Nov 30, 2008, 09:33 AM

At least he comes to you in the dreams be encouraged with that much for now.
In my dreams I rarely hear voices. Dreams do what they want pretty much unless you get into lucid dreaming
To add your picture go to your profile page and on the left hand side there is a photo option you go to that and upload your pic.
If it is too big or copyrighted it will not upload.

Jeanie777 · Jun 23, 2010, 04:08 AM

Hi, I lost my husband 5 months ago, and I feel your pain, in every respect, I joined 2 Bereavement group, the Beacon Hospice one is more professional. I realized I am not the only one who is left behind, and has to move on... I miss him terribly, and this grief journey sucks! I want him back, I miss him telling me, I love you, no one will ever love me like he does. I take one day at a time, and keep busy,stay with people. Its when I'm alone, like in my car driving that the tears and anguish begin, I can't even play music, everything reminds me of him! So, my dear, you are not alone, I'm right there beside you, feeling the same pain... maybe we can get through this together, please keep in touch!

JudyKayTee · Jun 23, 2010, 05:56 AM

Unfortunately OP has not been back since 2008 - but there certainly are others of us who were widowed who are still posting.

EllieG · Feb 6, 2011, 09:49 PM

It's been 9 weeks.I turned 31 on the day before my husband left this world from cancer. It came back and took him fast away. But he was strong to wait for my birthday to pass. Now I am in the same situation like you, I cannot let go. He was my rock, and my whole life was planned out with him only. We were enough for each other, could never get enough of each other.I wish we had a child, as part of him, but it will never happen, and it feels like I was hit in the stomach. I never knew pain like that. Please let me know if anything helps. I live every day praying for him to come to my dreams, and sometimes he does. It makes my day. I don't think he blames you for those words. If he loved you like you did him, he knew that. My soulmate my husband told me that.

JudyKayTee · Feb 7, 2011, 08:05 AM

Nine weeks is so very early in the grieving process that it is almost impossible to console you. If he comes to you in your dreams and that is a consolation to you, that's a gift.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was also widowed and your post touched a chord in me. My husband, beyond all expectations, despite all predictions, "hung on" until our wedding anniversary. In fact, after weeks in a coma on our anniversary he opened his eyes, recognized me, talked to me (although he had a trach), smiled. That night he went back into the coma.

We also had no children.