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granolagoddess · Nov 10, 2008, 01:46 PM

I know, another cliché about a single/divorced woman and a married man... hopefully, someone will give me some good feedback to run with. I met him at work in June 07, I was going through a divorce and we began talking about his “unhappy marriage” to his wife of 14 years… we started as Friends, them turned physical and by November we were quite intimate. I guess you can say I fell in love and so he says as well. As of the beginning of the year he began talking to his wife about getting a divorce, but talks have been stagnant and they seem to always be the same answers to me… that he works at a much slower pace than I, and that its hard because he has a 13 year old child (I have three under 6yrs). This has worn me thin… I don’t see other people because he captured my heart. He’s made me believe that he will get a divorce and doesn’t. I know I have a lot going for myself, I must admit, I am very good looking: I take very good care of myself, I’m a fitness instructor and lead a very healthy lifestyle. Has a serious relationship ever come out from seeing someone that is married? How can I cope with moving on?

kctiger · Nov 10, 2008, 01:56 PM

Here is something to run with: quit playing around with a married man. That is absolute garbage!!
Fact 1: Your looks don't matter
Fact 2: Your being 'in shape' does not matter
Fact 3: Your health doesn't matter

Fact 4: You and your children matter. Messing around with a married man is extremely poor character. I don't care how much he hates his marriage. He took a vow, an oath, and you are involved with him. No, no.. wait, you want to marry him right? You want to get involved with a man who is cheating on his wife?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is just insanity...

Absolute · Nov 10, 2008, 02:06 PM

Let me put this gently. You are technically a mistress, and mistresses always want the man to get a divorce. They don't.

You need to cope by doing something. Keep yourself busy, sure it won't reflect the pain away from you, but it'll keep you busy to the point where you'll not have time to mope around.

It's hard to even attept at being a mistress never mind maintaining the status. But do you really want to be known as the woman that's a homewrecker? No, you have your OWN reputation as well as that families reputation to worry about.

That 13 year old child will lose respect for his/her father. And you'll be partly to blame. So next time you even think about going after a married man, give yourself a pinch, do be the one he sucked in because he's not satisfied with someone he's not going to divorce and leave.

Take care of yourself, because that's inflicting pain upon yourself. Maybe not purposefully but none the less.

-Absolute

ramonajk · Nov 10, 2008, 02:16 PM

There are some things you need to think about, if you haven't already. Your children should be your first priority. What kind of message are you sending to them? Have you taken time away from them to see this man? etc. Your relationship cannot take priority over the welfare of your children or his.

That said, what are your intentions? You want him to leave his wife and marry you? Be with you? Live with you and your kids? Be a father to them? Maybe you're swept away by the romance of the whole ordeal but before you both go destroying your current lives, consider what the future could possibly hold for you. Is it really worth him uprooting his entire life just to be with you?

My advice? If having a sexual and emotional relationship with this man has been beneficial to you and your life, then continue to do it. If he does not want to leave his wife and the life he knows just to give himself over fully to you, that is his choice. He does not have to leave his wife to find release and enjoyment in having a relationship with you. If you are both better off for having this relationship in addition to your current lives, keep doing it.

But if you find that this relationship has brought more trouble than benefits, break it off. If you find that continuing this relationship would make his life hell (whether that means leaving his wife or continuing to cheat on her), break it off. If you think the risk to your children and his is too great, break it off. And get over it. And stop being so vain and self-centered.

Love doesn't conquer all. You can love someone to the skies and that doesn't mean you should be together. Sometimes life is ty that way.

Bonnie46 · Nov 10, 2008, 02:22 PM

I have a question for you: Why is it that every fitness instructor, personal trainer, gym owner, exercise buff (male AND female) has such low self-esteem, and can't manage to develop, find, hang onto or seek for a psychologically healthy, stable, trust-worthy, respectable partner with whom they can engage in a long-term relationship?

Any person male or female, who is married, is off-limits. He will not leave his wife, and she will not leave her husband. You already know that, so why did you choose to get involved?

Emland · Nov 10, 2008, 02:29 PM

Any man that cheats on his wife (regardless of the state of their marriage) is a dirtball in my book.

If he had integrity he would divorce his wife. Instead he wants the perks of being married and the thrill of cheating.

He isn't worth the misery he will eventually put you through.

Bonnie46 · Nov 10, 2008, 02:32 PM

Dear Granolagodess.

You have 3 children under 6 years of age? How can you possibly have time to date and sleep with a man? Especially a married man. Leave the men and your dating life alone for now, and please please please spend some time with your children. You don't have to give up on the dream of meeting someone and falling in love, but now may not be the best time to be so focused on a relationship - a relationship based on cheating and betrayal. You can love him all you want, but your actions indicate poor judgement. Your priorities are in the wrong order.

granolagoddess · Nov 10, 2008, 02:35 PM

I appreciate the replies and understand all of your points. I do need to make myself clear about somethings:
1) I will and have always put my children first, this is not even a option - they are my world!
2) I only mentioned my looks because this was my way at saying " I have a choice of have other eligible single men, and I'm waiting on this (married?) one!"
3) I keep myself busy at the gym (when I don't have my kids) so that I won't have to "think" so much!
3) I am not looking for marriage or a serious relationship right now, just a awesome guy I can hang out with that enjoys the same things I do and is passionate about things in general.

Please, don't beat me up for asking the last two questions (Has a serious relationship ever come out from seeing someone that is married? How can I cope with moving on?)... I'm reaching out, hoping to hear how I can deal with moving on... I haven't talked to him in 5 days and don't plan on returning any of his calls. To say I am hurt and depleted is an understatement! And can't do this any more! I know this is a life lesson, one that I will not again fall prey to... its just too painful to take.

Originally Posted by ramonajk

There are some things you need to think about, if you haven't already. Your children should be your first priority. what kind of message are you sending to them? have you taken time away from them to see this man? etc. Your relationship cannot take priority over the welfare of your children or his.

That said, what are your intentions? You want him to leave his wife and marry you? Be with you? Live with you and your kids? Be a father to them? Maybe you're swept away by the romance of the whole ordeal but before you both go destroying your current lives, consider what the future could possibly hold for you. Is it really worth him uprooting his entire life just to be with you?

My advice? if having a sexual and emotional relationship with this man has been beneficial to you and your life, then continue to do it. If he does not want to leave his wife and the life he knows just to give himself over fully to you, that is his choice. He does not have to leave his wife to find release and enjoyment in having a relationship with you. If you are both better off for having this relationship in addition to your current lives, keep doing it.

But if you find that this relationship has brought more trouble than benefits, break it off. If you find that continuing this relationship would make his life hell (whether that means leaving his wife or continuing to cheat on her), break it off. If you think the risk to your children and his is too great, break it off. And get over it. And stop being so vain and self-centered.

Love doesn't conquer all. You can love someone to the skies and that doesn't mean you should be together. Sometimes life is ty that way.

liz28 · Nov 10, 2008, 02:40 PM

You can move on just like you did with any other break-up you dealt with in the past. Do things that you enjoy, hang out with friends, etc. You have young kids at home so that should keep you busy.

When thoughts of him enter your mind think of something else. Him being married should help you because when you think of him think of that fact and in the future be wiser to who you give your heart too because that is something you can control.

I am not going bash you because at least you recongize your wrong and learned your lesson and hopefully don't repeat the same mistake in the future. Just go on with your life and one day your meet a single guy that deserves you and who will treat you well.

MsMewiththat · Nov 10, 2008, 02:46 PM

I agree with what liz28 had to say and would like to add that you have to look at him as if he is off limits because in fact he is. He is someone else's heart and until they split up you shouldn't put any of your eggs in that basket. It belongs to someone else. If you don't mind waiting, then don't move on, but stop contacting him until he completes his divorce. What could your husband have done to you that resulted in a divorce... adultery? This is a bad situation that is only going to get worse and I say worse because you could truly waste a number of years behind this. Let it go. It won't be easy, but put yourself in his wife's shoes... and get mad about it. p.s. I don't want to hear that his wife doesn't mind. It's not okay.

granolagoddess · Nov 10, 2008, 02:53 PM

No, I never cheated on my ex-husband and vice versa... our divorce had nothing to do with that and a completely different subject all together. I agree it will get worse, and as you said " If you don't mind waiting.." well I do, and I won't! It still does not make any of this easy, not easy at all!

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

I agree with what liz28 had to say and would like to add that you have to look at him as if he is off limits because it fact he is. He is someone elses heart and until they split up you shouldn't out any of your eggs in that basket. It belongs to someone else. If you don't mind waiting, then don't move on. What could your husband have done to you that resulted in a divorce... adultery? This is a bad situation that is only going to get worse and I say worse because you could truly waste a number of years behind this. Let it go. It won't be easy, but put yourself in his wife's shoes.... and get mad about it. p.s. I don't want to hear that his wife doesn't mind. It's not okay.

Bonnie46 · Nov 10, 2008, 02:58 PM

An "awesome guy I can hang out with that enjoys the same things I do and is passionate about things in general"; who you would like to see and spend time with, and have a great sex life with IS equal to being in a relationship. A fantastic person like that won't just go away or make themselves invisible when it's convenient for you to be single. Either you want to have a man in your life to share things with or you be single. Do yourself a favour - if you want a relationship, find a decent person.

It's not easy. We ALL go through this kind of heartache. You'll manage - it takes perserverence and patience. One day at a time. Cry as much as you have to... just don't let the kids see you upset.

MsMewiththat · Nov 10, 2008, 02:59 PM

I edited my posting and it didn't come through for you... but if you don't mind waiting then don't... but stop contacting him until he completes his divorce. If you are still interested in him once you have left him alone and he completes his process, then terrific. Chances are you will move on and find some freedom. I'm happy for you that you have decided and you know that you deserve more. Stay mad and it will make it a little easier. Other than God and your kids... put you first. He can only have so many priorities at the end of the day and if he would put you over his kids and his wife than is he really the man that you want. After all he is having an affair... Not looking like such a c atch any more right?. still doesn't make it easy you have work to do and good luck.

talaniman · Nov 10, 2008, 02:59 PM

First, I want to applaud you for seeing your mistake, and trying to correct it. You way ahead of the game, better than most who have been in your situation.

You also deserve credit for stopping the contact with him, and saving your dignity, and self respect, from more confusion, misery, pain, lies, and drama.

If you stay on this path, hard as it will be emotionally, and focus on your life, he will fade from your feelings, mind, and life, and you can entertain those real men, who can give you a healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

Give yourself that chance, and don't GIVE your heart away to a jerk.

granolagoddess · Nov 10, 2008, 03:10 PM

Thank you for the endoresment!! Boy did you hit it on the spot when you said I should save my dignity and self-respect!! No more waiting, or pipe dreams, NO MORE!!

Originally Posted by talaniman

First, I want to applaud you for seeing your mistake, and trying to correct it. You way ahead of the game, better than most who have been in your situation.

You also deserve credit for stopping the contact with him, and saving your dignity, and self respect, from more confusion, misery, pain, lies, and drama.

If you stay on this path, hard as it will be emotionally, and focus on your life, he will fade from your feelings, mind, and life, and you can entertain those real men, who can give you a healthy, and fulfilling relationship.

Give yourself that chance, and don't GIVE your heart away to a jerk.

friend4u178 · Nov 10, 2008, 03:40 PM

I too applaude you for realising your mistake and having the b*lls to do something about it.

He's cheating on his wife full stop , no excuses for that. If you were to wait around for him he would probably cheat on you in the future as well.

I wish you Luck!

Absolute · Nov 13, 2008, 02:35 PM

Wow, I missed a lot of... stuff.

GranolaGodess, I am sorry for misunderstanding. Here's a quote that caught my attention. I just thought I'd repost it, because it is quite touching.

Love doesn't conquer all. You can love someone to the skies and that doesn't mean you should be together.

I know that it really has nothing to do with you saving your dignity and hitching your skirts from the mud of disrespect, but I thought it was quite a priceless gem dropped in the mud that is your situation.

I agree with the saving your dignity, I mean, you really shouldn't be waiting around for someone. You love your kids a lot it seems, well, stick to it. Waiting for someone that isn't going to help you with your life is absolutely flabbergasting. No use. But when you meet a man that helps you out (cooks you dinner unexpectedly) then you KNOW you've got a winner.

Life's to short for things like this. All the drama, and then, you'll look back smack yourself in the forehead and say. "What was I thinking?!" It's true, I've done it a few times myself.

Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

-Absolute

(I'm rooting for you!)

Dragonfly1234 · Nov 13, 2008, 07:27 PM

If you are serious about wanting to get over him, here are a few tricks you can try. First, treat it like an addiction that you want to overcome. It will take time to overcome it and it will take perseverance but if you want to make it easier, you need to stop all contact with him, otherwise, every time you are in contact with him, your progress will fall back several steps. Also, try making a list of all the reasons you need to move on. Read the list often to remind you. And as many have said, keep very very busy.

Good luck.