[JackieS]

My son is 30. His dad and I have been divorced for 20 years. His sister lives near me and we are very close. I think my son is jealous of this. He does contact me and I do see him. But he is 200 miles away and, over the years, the contact has actually lessened. I always feel awkward if I phone him as he can be rude and sarcastic which I would think he would be over by his age. He seems to think I owe him something, money, I don't know. I don't think he would much care if he only saw me twice a year. He is intelligent, has a good job and plenty of money. He is popular and has a lot of friends. He is nice to everybody, even sometimes over-much. But to me he can be offhand and dismissive. It hurts so much as I love him just as much as my daughter, though I don't think he believes it. I have done everything I can and contact him regularly to keep the contact up. They say you hurt the one closest to you. My big fear is that he won't change and I'll be on my deathbed thinking it should have been different. When I do see him it's as if he doesn't care if I'm there or not. Just now and then he lightens up, we laugh together and I hear stories about his life. Then he goes back to being distant and indifferent. I know he gets tired as he has a stressful job but I used to think that he would automaticaly love me as his mother. Instead of that he is more interested in other people and I don't even seem to come second. I would think I had made big mistakes if it wasn't for the fact that my daughter is so caring and thoughtful. At least I must have done something right. Is it boys/men, do you think? Is it just how a person is and it's a matter of chance? I don't know but what I do know is that sometimes I feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Sometimes I feel like not bothering but something inside me tells me that he does care and that he does want me to bother but that he wants to be abusive to somebody and he does it knowing I'll always take it and will always be there no matter what. He is never, ever like it to his father. I just find it ridiculous that soebody of that age can act in this way. It's not as if he's a student or teenager, he's a grown man with a good job. Maybe things will change if he settles down with children of his own but sometimes I worry that if that happens he will be more distant than ever. I know a lot of women who have similar problems and it's always with their sons. When people ask me how he is, I always smile and say he's fine and yes, I do see him regularly etc etc but in my heart I feel hurt. My question is really should I appear indifferent towards him sometimes (which I'd find difficult) so that he comes round? Or would I be shooting myself in the foot and would he be more distant than ever? Or should I just go with the flow and accept the fact I've got one attentive child and think well he's a man and that's how they are? Or should I contact him more regularly? Would he then think me weak? Nobody respects weakness, or what they perceive to be weakness, but in fact it's kindness. It's difficult for us moms to accept our kids have grown, I know. But I just want a loving son which I think I deserve. I feel we let him down when we got divorced but we have stayed amicable, even friendly really, and I know my ex never runs me down. Its difficult.

[DoulaLC]

I wouldn't necessarily put it off as him just being a man as plenty maintain close contact with their mothers. It may be maturity... he is still in the stage of thinking mostly about his wants and needs. It could be that he just doesn't realize how this effects you. It could be he is jealous or hurt, even if it doesn't seem as though he has reason to be. It could simply just be his nature... some people have a need for, or enjoy, having more contact than others.
Have you told him that you would like to have more contact with him, that you miss not having him close by? Might even come right out and ask him if he is upset by anything you may have done or said.
Unfortunately, some relationships will be more one sided... that is just how life is. If you being the one to instigate most of the contact is what it takes, so be it. The alternative is to have even less contact and miss that connection with him even more.

[Gabby12]

Oh Gosh I thought I was reading about me and my son , I don't know what to tell you as nothing has changed with my son no matter what I have tried . I have another son and daughter and everything is fine with them . My son has nothing to do with his brother or sister and they have given up on him , I haven't talked to my son for 8 months now as I have given up after he never informed any one that he moved and no phone number . I feel lost and sad how all this has gotten this way , he seems to be angry at everyone and blames his brother , sister and myself for things that happened 20 some years ago . I have been there for him and he is fine as long as I'm giving and doing things for him but as soon as I'm not he back to treating us all badly . I'm sending you warm hugs as I think you need them as well as I do . Gabby