[alwaysava27]

My fiancé & I are engaged after only dating for about 4mths. We are SOO happy together, in words I can't even begin to describe. I was dating someone when I met my fiancé, but we were drifting & I knew when I met my fiancé, he was the one. I knew, it was a feeling I've never felt before. Since I broke things off w/my ex, and startd dating my fiancé, we've learned so much about each other in sucha short time, have an unbelievably amount in common, and I adore his family, and I don't talk to my family anymore so its nice to be close to such wonderful people. Anyway, my question is, how do I deal w/ppl who think we are moving too fast on the marriage, people have been so judgemental w/it twds myself & my fiancé. We are planning to tie the knot in April 2009. By then we will have been together for seven months. We are happy, isn't that all that matters?

[Clough]

Hi, alwaysava27!

Congratulations on meeting the one who you think is the right one for you! I wish you only the best in this, and I do hope that everything works out the way that the two of you want it to!

Four months is really not enough time to really get to know a person with whom you might want to spend the rest of your life. Spending some additional time together over a number of months beyond that will be helpful.

Concerning dealing with others that are critical and think that you're moving too fast, I hope that you take into consideration some of the things that they might be telling you. I would tell them "Thanks for saying that. I'll take it into consideration" and also maybe, "I'll have to think about that".

You don't have to take offense or even judge others about the things that they say, nor be confrontational with them. You just simply acknowledge and show that you appreciate what they've said and continue on about your business.

It's your life and also your choice...

No matter who is getting married and how long they've been dating, I always recommend to couples that they see a professional counselor together for a time before tying the knot. I recommend that, not because something bad might be happening, but just to insure that things are truly in place the way that they need to be in order for the union to be made that will be as successful as it can be. Better to be safe than to be sorry!

Marriage is a huge step in life and nothing to be taken lightly. Being happy together in the short run of things isn't necessarily all that matters. With knowing each other for such a short length of time, I'm sure that there's things about each other that you don't know. Sitting down together with a counselor who's well-skilled at discovering things between the two of you that you might not realize are there that need to be addressed is something that I would highly recommend doing.

A very long time ago, I dated the person that I decided to marry for about four months. I really thought that she was the one who was meant for me. The marriage lasted for only two-and-a-half-years. We didn't know each other or even ourselves well enough to have taken on such an awesome commitment that the bond and vows of being married really require.

Just some thoughts for you...

Hopefully, others will also be along to respond to your question.

Thanks!

[JBeaucaire]

I like to be encouraging, too. So I will start by saying "Best of luck to you and yours." Here on the forum all we're interested in is people finding happiness in themselves and sharing that with someone significant.

So, having said that, I want to answer your question about speed. Four months is a concern. The first few months... even up through four months... is commonly a "honeymoon" period when both of you are on your best behavior and trying to impress each other. It's not that you're particularly lying to one another, but most people are FAR more nice and amenable here than they are in "normal" mode.

The reason we encourage people to date 12-24 months is because during THAT length of time, the "honeymooning" usually stops and both of you have certainly started acting normal again. Also, this usually long enough for you to experience some real negative times, either together or individually... you'll have prime opportunity to see who you really treat each other then the going gets tough.

It's important to know if the character of the person you're in love with is actually bearable when life goes awry, you know?

ADMISSION: I knew I wanted to marry my wife (still married after 23 years) within the first 6 months of dating, too. But I had been engaged once before to a girl I was NUTS over... loved her to death. But we were totally different in our life goals and world views and luckily we realized this before we go married and had a calm, loving parting of the ways.

So my life says that "yes, 4 months is enough time to think you know" and it also says, "no, it's not enough time to really know." My life experiences support both positions.

So, my advice is enjoy your engagement. But there's no need to rush. Pick a wedding date 6-8 months from now and plan an awesome (affordable!) wedding and honeymoon. That process should create some significant stress in your life, so surviving that... I'd say you're in good shape. (nudge)

And remember, there is no such thing as "have to". Your love not in question, if it becomes clear ANYTIME prior to the wedding that your compatibility on important life issues is horribly mismatched... PAY ATTENTION. You can walk away with pride... and it doesn't have to be all that melodramatic, either, though it will most likely feel that way.

Saying "I do" is supposed to be forever, so until then you have the right to think of yourself first.

Meanwhile, the best of luck. Let us know how the wedding plans are going and if any other issues crop up we can encourage you on. Cheers.

[starbuck8]

I also would like to encourage your happiness. I would like to encourage you to do a few things before the date arrives.

Pre-marital coucelling would be a good idea, as Clough has mentioned. It is sure a heck of a better idea than post marital, or divorce counseling. You really do have to know that both of you are on your very best behaviour right now, and in the honeymoon stage, and JB mentioned.

But, you really do need to sit down and talk in depth about your goals, expectations, and dreams. You need to talk money. How does HE handle money? How do YOU handle money. Money is a BIG issue in a marriage, and you need to find out about each others views. Money issues have ended many marriages. You need to know the details. Will you both work? Will one of you work and the other be a homemaker? Who will be in charge of the money? Who is in charge of making sure the bills are paid. If one of you makes less than the other, do you pool your money, or is it kept separate? Who is responsible for what? There are many questions that need to be asked regarding money. You really need to discuss all of this. It might seem like a minor detail now, but at some point it just may not be. It's very important to talk about it.

Then there are possibly children. Would you be a stay at home Mom, or would you be a working Mom? What are your views on raising children? How many would you want to have? Does he have any other children, and if so, how will that be handled. Would you have to send child support etc. Many questions on this topic also.

What are his views on religion or politics, if any. What are yours, if any. How do you like your home kept. Is he clean freak, and you're messy?. or the other way around? Who will cook? Who will clean? Does he like your friends? Do you like his? There are so many things to find out in such a short period.

Also, I'm sure you both have the sex thing down right now, but it won't always be the same way it is in the start. Face it, there are things that happen, and just everyday life after awhile can put a dent in that. You won't be doing it like bunnies forever. So, that would be a good thing to talk about too. And this might seem silly, but how to you both view cheating? Would it be looking at someone of the opposite sex? Flirting with the opposite sex? Would it be going out for lunch, texting, calling, kissing, etc. a member of the opposite sex.

These are all things you really want to thing about, since you really have not known this person, or he you, for an extended period. These are the reasons that some of the people you know might be wary of your choice to get married so soon. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying you should be prepared, because it really does take time to get to know the in's and out's of someone for quite some time.

Good luck to you, and I hope you end up having a wonderful relationship, and I wish you all the best. Just make sure you do all of your homework first, and pay attention to the small stuff. Sometimes the small stuff can grow like a weed. :)

[alwaysava27]

Thank you all for your replies. I really do appreciate it greatly. Starbucks, thank you for askn all those questions, causing me to ask myself the same questions. Thankfully, my fiancé & I have gone over these things many times & are STILL going over them & finding things out about each other, but so far so good. Its amazing the amount we have learned about each other in the past several months. He is really good w/his money. He saves as much as he can, has good credit, has investments that other guys his age don't even think about at his age. He doesn't care to drink, party etc. Hes very mature & I think its because of the family he was brought up into. Im very close w/his parents, especially his mom who knws him inside & out. They were very happy for us when they found out we were engaged, they always told him I seemed like the perfect person for him. We have talkd about kids, we both agreed we want one, and AFTER we are married. He is very big on doing things the right way, getting engaged, getting a house, getting married or the other way around whichever comes first-house or marriage. We both agree on waiting on kids. We will both continue working even after we have a child, and we will cross that bridge when we come to it as far as who will watch the child, he is a paramedic & Im a dispatcher for EMS/Fire, so we know & understand what kind of hours/time/work we both do. We can basically work anything around our schedules. We understand each other, we finish each other sentences at times, I truly will be marrying my best friend. He is very affectionate, and so am I to an extent, I handly my stress differently than he does. I tend to dwell on things & he is very easy going about things & kind of brings me back down to sanity lol. He is very good about helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel & look at the bright side of situations that bother me, not necessarily about us, but about life in general. We both feel comfortable enough w/each other to discuss things that bother each other. We are both neat freaks, thank goodness. He cooks, I do the dishes. I do the laundry, he cleans the floors. Its nice. Our most recent argument though was last week, he told me he was ten days late on making his truck pyment & he was going to put it off for a couple more days until he went to the bank. I was upset w/him because Im very anal about paying bills on time, I don't put them off ever. I told him he shouldn't wait until the last minute to pay something like that, that he should at least try & make a pyment over the phone or something. He understood what I was saying. I think sometimes me giving him direction about things I myself have experienced already in my years of paying bills, is helping him a lot. I don't ever want him to make the same mistakes I did, with or without me in his life. Ive ruined my credit once before by cosigning for an exboyfriend who totally screwed me in the end. Im still trying to build my credit back up, and this is something my fiancé is very well aware of & understands. We talk about everything, we will literally sit down & TALK. Its nice. We have talkd about going to pre marriage counseling. I think that's a great idea, he doesn't think we need it, but after hearing what you & others have had to say, I think it's a good idea & Ive talkd him into at least going once, to further talk about future things w/a professional, as you said to know each other even better than we do now. Anyway, thanks again for your advice, and if you have anything to add or a response to this post, please let me know. I greatly appreciate it.

[letmetellu]

It was s hrd t rd yr qstn I dn't hw t answr.

[starbuck8]

it ws s hrd t rd yr qstn I dn't hw t answr.

Was that necessary? Unless you have something productive to say, move on. :rolleyes:

[Justwantfair]

Hi,

I've been reading your debate with great interest.

I'm writing a feature for The Sun looking at the reality of young marriage and divorce.

I'd love to hear from any young people who have got divorced under 30 who might be up for talking about their experiences. Do you regret getting married? Do people judge you for being young and divorced? Does it matter to new partners? And would you recommend others get married young?

If you think you can help me find case studies please email me on [email protected] or ring 0207 782 4014.

The feature isn't going to be making any judgements about young marriage either way, but just hear from people who've been through it.


Thanks

Judy

I noted that you posted this in numerous threads, if you would like to start a thread for discussion you may, but this thread is for answers to this question.

[ZoeMarie]

I think it's great that you're talking to your fiancé about pre-marital counseling since you've only been together 4 months. I do agree with others that you could push the wedding back a few months, if not to learn more about each other first, to give yourselves more time to plan. Also check out Wedding Dresses - Wedding Cakes - Wedding Planning - Unique Wedding Ideas. That website helped us out tremendously when my husband and I planned our wedding. I think the most helpful thing was the checklist. Congratulations and good luck!!