[A-LetDown]

Hello everyone,

I am here in high hopes that I can get some extreme help. My husband has a son with another woman and that is by far not the real issue here. He and she were together before we got together so I have absolutely no remorse for this. My real problem is such: I have always been the one who never ever wanted children. No, this is not a case where "Oh you'll change your mind when you're older." If that were the case, then this wouldn't be a problem. With that being said, me never wanting children that is, I'm having the most difficult time accepting the fact that my husband has a son. I still have yet to even meet him. He's asking me to meet him when he comes home on the 21st and it does nothing but give me an anxiety attack.

I don't know how to act around children, or what to say, or how to deal with his son's mother. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking with people in similar situations and I thought that I was getting better because I was even talking about having children with my husband, but then I came back down to reality and how I truly feel about it. The people I have talked with have all been people who eventually wanted kids anyway so it wasn't hard for them. It's hard for me.

I need help. I'm doing nothing but hurting my husband because I don't know what to do or how to act. I'm supposed to love and cherish every aspect of him, and I don't know how to do that. Please, someone, help me. Or at least give me some kind of advice or if I should go and speak with a therapist or something. I honestly just don't know what to do.

[AKEngel]

If you knew about the child before you married him then you shouldn't have issues or have a right to have issues. You are now a step mother and that is a very hard role. Why not give it a chance because in the end the husband will choose his son. And you need to figure out what's more important to you. Therapists can help you learn to deal with your anxiety and learn how to relate to the child. This is important to your husband what's it going to hurt by giving it a chance.

[southerngalps]

To me not wanting children would make you okay with his son, and wanting kids would make it weird. It seems backwards. Are you maybe in denial that you don't want kids?

[MissUnderstood2]

I know this post has been around for a while, and I am not even sure if you are reading anymore, but I know how you feel.

My husband had a son, and I knew about it when we met. He was in an extremely unhappy relationship, and the child had come about through his ex girlfriend going off the pill, etc..

Anyway my now husband stepped up to the plate and took responsibility even though he didn't want to. He went through bouts of depression and feeling like his life was over, and he hated his ex girlfriend for making his life decision for him

So we met, and it was one of those fairytale situations.. but comes the kicker, I was like you and didn't want kids, and also knew that I didn't have it in me to accept another woman's. (It is even harder when you learn of the reason this child came to be in the first place).

My husband left his girlfriend and life behind, and when we spoke of what would happen in relation to his son, he said not to worry about it, he just wanted to start a new life as I was honest from the start. I don't do children.

However through our marriage, things have happened, and things are changing. He doesn't want to be a "father figure" as such however he wants to have contact with him and see how he is going with things. And I of course am struggling with this.

We have been to counselling and it didn't work. I have no answers as to why I don't like other kids. Is it jealousy I have to share my husband with someone else, it could be, but counselling didn't help me.

We actually have our own little girl together now. I softened through the years and did want my own, and so we have and we both love her to smithereens. But it doesn't make it any easier to accept the step son situation. In fact it makes it harder.

I just want you to know I understand where you are coming from. You will get a lot of people that tell you to suck it up as you knew he had a son before marriage, etc, but sometimes it isn't always that clear cut.

Feel free to email me if you wanted to chat further. Xox

[natsuki]

Hi, could you tell me how did it go? I would like to know about how did you deal with your situation. It's been more than 2 years since you had that situation. I believe you are in the position to give an advice. My husband had an affair and now that lady has a child. We have two little kids and I don't know what to do.

[missunderstood9]

Missunderstood2- u have gone through what I'm going through now.. u posted years back could you please fill me in how how things r now.. I'm losing it.

[skay23]

Missunderstood2- u have gone through what I'm going through now..u posted years back could you please fill me in how how things r now..I'm loosing it.

I'll throw in my 2 cents, and Ill agree with the first person, accept it because in the end he WILL CHOOSE HIS KID. I dealt with the anxiety of my step daughter for a while. I went through depression and everything. He didn't understand it because its his kid, his blood and flesh. Thing is, realize he loves the child. Even if it was an accident. The child is a gift from God, even if the mother is from hell... You will never love it like your own, it'll take time for him to realize that and you will eventually see how he is and you will crave that affection...

[toddcandi]

You sound so much like I did. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years now. He has a son from his previous marriage.
I don't know how things work there for you exactly but I'll just let you in on everything and hope that it helps you or at least comforts you- I know exactly how you feel.
When I first got with my boyfriend his son was 7, I will call his son W and my boyfriend T.
T had W every other week, than his ex wife R, had him the other weeks.
His son was the worst child I had ever met, now that I look back on it, I can understand how he felt, I am not condoning his behavior, I just know that it was no easier on him than anyone else. Keep that in mind, this kid no longer has mom and dad in the same house, like he probably grew up knowing. That's not easy on kids.
Then this woman (me) comes into the picture and all of a sudden his dad is not 100% his anymore, now he has to share dad with this new woman. That was really hard on W because at the time, he was still wanting Mommy and Daddy back together.
So he was the spawn of satan (at least as far as I was concerned). His dad and I broke up 3 times because it was too much for his dad.
Every time we picked W up from his mom's to have him for our week, the first words out of his mouth were always "Can I go back to my mom's now", this really hurt my boyfriend obviously. So now we have him for a full week and he doesn't want me around at all.
I have never wanted kids, and was unsure about being with my boyfriend because he had a kid and I REALLY didn't want anything to do with kids. And to make the kettle blacker, this kid wanted nothing to do with me, so I went into defensive mode pretty quickly, which made matters worse. I didn't know how to act towards this kid, and his dad was having problems with migraines and emotions so he did not discipline his son AT ALL.
This kid would kick the back of my seat the whole time we were in the car,
He would absolutely not do anything I told him to do,
His dad let him throw knives with us, and he would throw when I was picking up next to the board.
After some time his mom ended up moving about 4 hours away from us, and so we only got him on long weekends and breaks from school (which was not fair in a 51/49 split divorce). During that time was one of the times T and I broke up. It was really hard on T, and W still didn't want to spend any time with us or him, he always wanted to go back to his moms. There was one point that he told him mom that he wished that I would "burn alive". He said that twice during the time where we really didn't get along.

Well I got tired of T now disciplining W at all, so I decided it was time to put my food down, and I did. If he didn't do as I told him to I would send him to his room, if he didn't go, I'd make him go. It was hard, and frustrating for both of us, but it was the beginning of the road to better days.
I didn't let him get away with anything. And I took away all his T and M rated video games. I made T stop letting him watch pg-13 and R rated movies. Then when he started minding me a bit a put in a reward system. When he behaved really well for a week we would get him a new toy or take him out to ice cream or do an activity he wanted to do. After a while I found out that we could invite his cousin over. At first that was just my way of having him totally preoccupied so that I didn't have to deal with him while we had him, than it became part of the rewards system too.
His dad started to back me on everything I said or did, so that W would see that it wasn't all me.
Things were slowly getting better.
I kept doing that and I started trying to be more of a friend towards him, I still disciplined him but I started doing things with him, liking riding bikes and playing ball. I opened up pathways of communication and shared things about me and he started to open up as well.
Now things have done a complete 180. I used to wish that he would just stay with his mom and that his dad and I never had him again. It was wrong of me to think that way I know but I was so tired of him. Now, I wish that she didn't have him at all, that we had him full time. I love him like he was my own son. We get along crazy good and he calls me step mom now. We can talk about anything and he's always happy to spend time with me. I care about what happens to him and I worry about him when he's not with us. I care about the way he is brought up and the way people act around and towards him. I love him!
I still don't want kids, this one is more than enough for me, but I tell you I am still shocked about how much I care for him.
My advice is to try to be friendly, you don't have to be a kid person necessarly. I have no idea how old this kid is so some of this may not work out for you like it did for me, but try taking him out to ice cream, every once in a while surprise him with something he likes (for W for a while it was Pokemon cards). Be friendly and listen, most of all listen.
I read online a lot of articles about kids, you should too. I read that getting low, so that you are eye level to them is a good way of making the kid feel like you are really listening. Or repeat what they say.
Get the kid talking, I used to ask W silly things that could get him talking, by diving into imagination. How cool would it be to have a skateboard that could fly? What would it be like if we met an alien? Just silly things like that that might get the kid talking.
W knows that I am not a kid person, I explained to him when I started putting my foot down, I don't know how to act around kids, I'm not very good with kids, but you can help me, you tell me when you think you have an idea to help me be a better kid person, and he did.
I hope this helps. Don't let nerves get in the way, as much as possible. A lot of times just getting anxious about a sitution can make it worse than it really is.
Best of luck

[BonusMom24]

I enjoyed reading responses very much. I like the latest, eventually growing close to one another. I am the 'backwards' scenario here. I want kids, or at least I have always pictured sharing that with someone.

I fell in love with a young man that had 2 1/2 year old. Similar deal... ex girlfriend let birth control dwindle by choice to not be together, they broke up. Weeks after break up he receives a call she is pregnant. They decided to try and make it work for child, shared home, pregnancy, birth, infant, toddler moments, together, in between fighting about everything as each partner remembers. They couldn't bear one another or non healthy environment, split.

I began dating this man right when I met him. Fast in love. Met toddler son almost right away. He is the most doting father a man could be, that I have ever seen, better than I imagined.

I have cried every day for almost a year when little moments catch me, and I've told myself it is okay to be hurt by it or jealous for 1 year mark, to "get it out." My concern is this gut wrenching feeling will never go away. I know, I'm completely aware I knew about his son in advance, there are single men out there without them, that I am putting myself through the stress, what can I say... love conquers all, and I am all in for this man, as well as his son, as that is a part of him, part of his past before me, and a direct link to pride and happiness experienced through his son for my man.

I believe I must be envious, and it is a terrible, gut wrenching feeling, that fills me up with a feeling of panic on rare occasions. I don't know what bothers me more on the situation, how I can cope with it. And how I feel it even brings out a jealous, almost ill or evil side of me that I despise. There are so many things (do in fact underweigh and not outweigh by love and desire for being with this man) that put weight on me...

Don't know what stings me more, he shared the pregnancy throughout by deciding to give home to girl he impregnated "doing the right thing.", shared the birth even though he didn't agree on keeping child in first place, shared a home and holidays, pictures, watching age marks, honored her to raise and stay home while son was a baby (told her to at least work part time at 1 year mark which she never did and still doesn't), basically shared a marriage and gave to a woman on accident what many woman anticipate in union bond with one they love, or husband, basically provided a marriage without papers. It's also been shared he stayed up with baby or got up in the night each evening verse her, as she was tired from caring for son during the day.

Knowing this does something physiological to me that is the most hurtful deep pain I have felt. Why? How can this be? This all happened before him and I met? They are not together because they are both in full agreement they do not love each other and even she is open to me in the picture.

We see his 3 year old son from time to time, who falls asleep with us. It sounds hateful, but I need to be honest here. It's like tacks being punctured in me while he is around. Every time he says DaDa I actually somehow feel close to offended. It actually hurts. My man enjoys constant play time and cleans up after son, which impresses me and hurts me at the same time. I get so jealous that he has experienced this already, that he has lifetime connection to mother and son, that I have to remove myself sometimes and gasp for air, breathe, and suppress rage.

I feel repulsed when his son falls asleep between us, and its like I'm not even there, his son, him as father hand in hand snuggled up with one another. This is in fact one of the most beautiful and heart warming things. I have realized my rage, panic, tears every time I see a baby, think of pregnancy, see a baby/parent commercial, burning eyes from trying to hide tears... it all stems to envy I suppose. I straight up hate it. A child is never going to "just go away" and my man's experience of sharing pregnancy, birth, and home of toddler toys and moments will never be forgotten... but I somehow wish they would with all my might, and from what I've considered myself being a non judmental person formerly, I am sad I would even think that way, but those are my feelings. I cannot help them or I would. There will always be birthdays, parent teacher conferences, a link between this man and woman, a child.

I fear this will never go away, but hope I become more descensatized the more I see child, and see mom (picking up and dropping off). For now, it depletes me energy in a second. I cry in private when it crosses my mind in the shower, or when I'm going to bed and my man is already fast asleep, the tissues from tears quickly fill up the trash can.

Is this normal, even sane for me to feel this way. I am a strong woman and pray I can be more respectful towards him on my feelings, and believe I will seek counseling soon. I love him and life together dearly. I am 24, he is 25. There is time to mold together.

I admit sense of relief after simply typing these words, releasing them from my not so well hidden tension of frustration. I really enjoyed reading all of the above. I always imagined having children but go back and forth these days, private battle that feels good to open up about right now. If anyone knows of any books, other sites, anything that may help me. I appreciate any feedback.

[STEPHANIE236]

Hello everybody.

Am STEPHANIE from FLORIDA I want to share my life experience to every body on this site. I was in a serious relationship with mike I love him so much we have dated for almost 6 years now. Until he meant another girl called charity he told me that he is know longer interested in dating me any more. I was so confuse I don't know what to do so I told my friend about what my love just told me and he told me that she can solve my problem I was doubting her how can that be possible so she directed me to a spell caster called DR AFILE .so I contacted him and I explain every thing to him and he told me that my problem will be solved within 2days if I believe I said OK .So he caste_ a spell for me and after 2days my love came back to me begging me on his knees on the ground asking me to forgive him. And I was surprise just like a dream and today Am so happy now. So that why I decided to share my experience with every body in case there is anyone out there that have such problem should contact him via [email protected]

[flomos]

Hi. Please know that you are being just a human being with feelings. God will help you to overcome these painful emotions and be happy. Cheers!