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Momus4u · Nov 5, 2008, 10:39 AM

My boyfriend and I have been living together for three years. We both came from marriages in which we had been cheated on. Generally we have a very happy relationship.
Lately he has been staying out very late. Long after the bars have closed. I typically wake up worrying as to where he is and if he is OK. When I confront him about it he says he doesn't call because he doesn't want to wake me up. He always says that he goes back to his friends after they leave the bar, just to hang out and shoot the breeze.
I've told him that I always wake up in the middle of the night if he's not home and would appreciate, at the very least a call or test message to let me know he is OK, and where he is. I consider this simple common courtesy. He says I need to trust him, and he doesn't like feeling that he has a curfew or that his cell phone is his leash.
Am I being unreasonable? I would never consider doing this. If I did stay out, I'd have the courtesty to at the very least call.
Comments would be appreciated.

TrueFaith · Nov 5, 2008, 10:47 AM

I would agree with him
Your own insecurities
Are playing with your mind..

Is this every night though?

It sounds to me like it is a bit of a leash thing I know you are worried but it is enough to drive someone away

You both have to have your own lifes
And if he wants to hang out with his friends he can.
And as to not texting you. Well there is a point he does not wan to wake you
And if he did text you

You probable would say when are you coming home?

So yeah lay off him for a bit
Trust him.

Momus4u · Nov 5, 2008, 10:53 AM

It's not every night, but it is frequent. He works nights at a bar also and stays out late quite frequently.

TrueFaith · Nov 5, 2008, 10:57 AM

Well just leave it. If that's his work and his social hours then that's how it is.
Unless you get him to change jobs.

Let him have his fun. And you go have yours

MF Controller · Nov 5, 2008, 10:59 AM

Sorry momus4u.. If I had to bet he is up to no good. How old is he that he needs to "hang out" with is friends?

It seems he is not contnent or interested in being home, and now he's trying turn it around on you.

You have every right to demand respect. Don't let anyone tell you different. Trust is earned.

talaniman · Nov 5, 2008, 11:00 AM

It's not every night, but it is frequent. He works nights at a bar also and stays out late quite frequently.

That added info helps a lot, and now as inconsiderate as you think he is, I think trusting him, and letting this go, is what you should do! Don't let insecurities play tricks with your mind, especially when you have no reason to not trust him.

southerngalps · Nov 5, 2008, 11:01 AM

What is the need for him to stay out late freqquently? Do you feel there is a reason he doesn't want to come home when the bars close? I do agree it is common courtesy. There should be a mutal agreement. You don't mind him staying out with the guys, then I FEEL, he shoudn't mind a courtesy phone call. There is need to be worried, if he is drinking and driving. YOU DO NEED TO TRUST HIM AS WELL.

Romefalls19 · Nov 5, 2008, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by MF Controller

Sorry momus4u.. If I had to bet he is up to no good. How old is he that he needs to "hang out" with is friends?

It seems he is not contnent or interested in being home, and now he's trying turn it around on you.

You have every right to demand respect. Don't let anyone tell you different. Trust is earned.

Wow... Ok.. So let me get this straight, once you reach a certain age you stop hanging out with friends? Well I sure hope my fiancé doesn't think that's going to happen with me, my friends have been there for me through thick and thin and I'm not going to drop them because I reach a certain age.

His JOB is a bar tender, the OP states, so being at the bar past closing is required. Then he hangs out with his friends, what's the problem?

And he has every right to demand respect as well. And respect that he hangs out with his friends.

TrueFaith · Nov 5, 2008, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by MF Controller

Sorry momus4u.. If I had to bet he is up to no good. How old is he that he needs to "hang out" with is friends?

It seems he is not contnent or interested in being home, and now he's trying turn it around on you.

You have every right to demand respect. Don't let anyone tell you different. Trust is earned.

What the hell is that?? How old is he that he needs to hang out with friends..
My god... Now I see why your name is CONTROLLER geeeez
No ones allowed to have friends or have a social life when they are around you?

Listen Everyone is allowed there own life.
He has his.. due to his work. He still Comes home at night! And he has been with her for 3 years.

She should start doing stuff on her own as well. And have a bit more of a life
Rather than worring about where he is or what he is doing all the time

Momus4u · Nov 5, 2008, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Wow...Ok..So let me get this straight, once you reach a certain age you stop hanging out with friends? Well I sure hope my fiance doesn't think that's going to happen with me, my friends have been there for me through thick and thin and I'm not going to drop them because I reach a certain age.

His JOB is a bar tender, the OP states, so being at the bar past closing is required. Then he hangs out with his friends, what's the problem?

And he has every right to demand respect as well. And respect that he hangs out with his friends.

He can hang out with whomever he pleases. All I'm asking for is some common courtesty. We are in a relationship together. We aren't simply roommatest. A simple "I'll be a little late. Just going over to Joe's for a drink."
I don't think that it's too much to ask. It's simple respect and consideration from the person you share your life with.

You are correct... age has nothing to do with it. Maturity maybe, but not age.

Romefalls19 · Nov 5, 2008, 11:46 AM

My post wasn't directed to you, it was to the person who said once you reach an age you don't hang out with your friends anymore.

But to address your words, what you're asking for isn't that bad. He has told you that he sometimes goes over a friends house to shoot the breeze, so he has told you where he goes. Perhaps before you go to bed, send him a message "hey going to sleep, are you coming straight home after work or going to your friends for a bit"

southerngalps · Nov 5, 2008, 11:50 AM

Just because this woman doesn't hang out late hours doesn't mean she doesn't have a life. They are on different schedules. It is just about mutual respect. YES, they have been together three years, and she is just worrying about it now. So this is probably different behavior that she is not used to. What is so wrong with calling to say you are going to a friend's house??

TrueFaith · Nov 5, 2008, 11:56 AM

Nothing wrong in that I agree a text would be cool.

But the post I was talking about was to controller.
They do have different schedules yes. She has a good idea who he is. As they have been together for 3 years.

Both partners should sit down and talk about this... which they have.. has not gotten them anywhere.. so my advice was to either leave it alone. But as she needs the texting of him. Then I would recommend as roms said

Send a text before you go to bed to set your mind at rest

JBeaucaire · Nov 5, 2008, 01:54 PM

Part of living together as a couple includes accepting the life of your companion. If your schedules don't intersect properly, adjust your schedule or just live with what you've chosen.

He may be cheating, he may not be. Unless you close the bar with him every night, how will you know? Until you get validation (which you could actually get if you wanted to), then just give him the benefit of the doubt.

If that's not a good enough answer, change your schedule to match his and close the bar with him every night.

If that's not good enough, find out if he's actually cheating on you, simple enough to do, right?

MF Controller · Nov 5, 2008, 02:42 PM

Friends are important... no doubt but in the wee hours of the night/morning? Oh Please... one shouldn't put themselves in a predictament and/or vulnerable place where things could happen.

And please Controller is an accounting career... but then judging people is a career by most "good faith" people! Don't you think!

Romefalls19 · Nov 5, 2008, 04:16 PM

Putting yourself in predictaments or vulnerable places can happen anywhere. I've never had a girl cheat on me with a guy she met at a strip club, but I did have a girl cheat on me with a guy she met at the mall, in the middle of the afternoon.

I used to stay out until 4 am when I was dating an ex, never cheated on her. I would go to South Street in Philly and drink, nope still didn't cheat, even with all the girls around.

It' all about self control, and if the person you're with doesn't have self control, then why are you with them? Trust is a great thing to have in a relationship.

TrueFaith · Nov 5, 2008, 07:26 PM

Look missy

IF they are going to cheat they will find a way of doing it.

You pounding on them.. to text you or worring about is not going to help anything.
We have all learnt when it happens it happens..

You can try and save yourself from it

But as rom said.. even his chick did at the mall. I mean its just some humans are like that.

Follow the advice here

If you don't like it.. Leave
If you think he is cheating try and find out
If you want to live with it. Deal with it.

If you don't trust your guy then there is something wrong there.
Either your personal issue are coming out or he is giving you this reason not to.
If you honestly thing its shuch a huge problem and have already made your mind up on how you feel and what you think should happen

What is the point of coming here?
You're here to read other views

Take it or leave it. Love it or hate.

Simple as that

talaniman · Nov 6, 2008, 07:00 AM

I think the best thing is not to act impulsively, or without a lot of thought, as a relationship is an on going process of talk, and listen, and if your honest expressions don't get what you want immediately, be patient, and keep talking, and always listen.

Sometimes it takes a while to get through, or come to understanding.

redwee74 · Nov 6, 2008, 07:08 AM

Okay, I feel he should have the courtesy to call or text. But he has the right to hang out with friends some. I do believe he is taking it a little over board. There is a point where a relationship becomes more and the other becomes a family member, this point is the important thing, are you all there yet, if so then this behavior should slow down if not then he should have at it. But I am on the edge with this one. I would have to have a call or something because I worry a lot. Not just about trusting them but about their safety. Hope that helps.

DonaldM_23 · Nov 6, 2008, 12:46 PM

In a relationship there is something called respect. If he is going to hang out he should always call if he knows that you worry about him. Being in a relationship doesn't mean living a single life. Personally I'm live with my girlfriend I don't hang out like your boyfriend does but before I head out I tell my girl "I might be home a little late I'll call you to let you know I'm alive." That is all it takes, if he can't do that. I really think he's with a friend, more than likely it's not a man!!