[Kels11]

I need some advice, I am currently 5 months pregnant and it was completely unplanned. I had no support from my family and the father whom I was previsouly in a 5 year relationship with wanted me to get rid of it. I am very set in the way of I will not get an abortion and I stuck with that. My first instinct was to keep the child but when talking to people I didn't want to be a single mother who can barely support herself, living on welfare trying to get by and have a good life for my daughter.

I told a friend of the family that I was pregnant and it turns out her daughter can not have kids and wants one and they were thinking of putting themselves on an adoption list. When I thought about adoption I definitely wanted to be in an open adoption but was very scared of who the parents would be. When I found out my friend wanted a kid a decided that in the best interest in my baby would be to give her to my friend because I knew they would be able to give her what she deserves.

I have since told them that I would love for them to be my daughters parents and was very happy. Recently however I have been feeling really really bad, Im starting to bond with her and can feel her moving and am terrified to give her up but know that it is in her best interest I just can't shake this motherly insticnt and yes it probably happens but none of my friends understand and Im losing friends over this, and just feel so weak and depressed over it, everyone just tells me its hormones but its my baby I just feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore, but at the same time I do know what to do!

Anyway I just needed to get this off my chest, maybe someone else out there has gone through this. I don't know. All I do know is its tearing me up inside and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Alty]

It's never easy to give up a child. I've never given one away, but I lost one to miscarriage, the pain of that loss was exrutiating.

I have two kids, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with them I bonded with them. The first kicks, the first time they had the hiccups and made my belly shake, and then of course giving birth and holding them for the first time. I loved them before I even knew them, so I know how you feel.

Do not do anything just because of promises you made, or because your friends are angry. This is your life, your child, and only you can make this decision.

This is something that will change your life forever, no matter what decision you make, so don't rush into anything until you are 100% certain.

I wish I could give you more advice, but really, this choice is yours alone, you have to find the answer yourself, but we are here if you want to talk about it. :)

Good luck.

[Synnen]

There is an EXTREMELY good reason why they will not allow contracts to adopt or relinquishment of parental rights when you're still pregnant. In the early stages of pregnancy, it's not REAL--it's not a baby, it's certainly not YOUR baby, and it's like you walk around in shock for the first couple months of pregnancy.

You need to see a counselor that specializes in adoption. Do NOT do this through an adoption agency.

I strongly suggest EVERYONE involved in an impending adoption needs to be seeing counselors. There's so much going on emotionally, and a counselor can help you with directing those emotions, and recognizing them.

In a way, it IS hormones. In a way, it's that it's YOUR baby, and it's a miracle, and wow---you made this! I chose adoption 17 years ago, and I can STILL remember how no one understood how I COULD choose adoption! I'd get the 'Don't you love your baby?' comments, and the "Wow...there's no way I could give MY baby away" comments --it's like people think there's something wrong with you for choosing a better life for your child. No one gets it, and so you wonder what's wrong with you, and you lose your friends, and your family is angry with you, and you don't even know what to do anymore. And it really hurts that the people that should be standing beside you helping you with the hardest thing you've ever done---instead of helping, they judge you, and desert you, and you've got all this extra hurt inside of you BESIDES the hurt of choosing to let someone else parent your child.

I can't tell you what the best choice for you is. You have to make that choice all by yourself---sucks, doesn't it? But I really really really think you should talk to a counselor about this. Someone who can help you understand your own emotions, and help you make your own decisions on this.

I don't know what state you are in, but a couple of states allow contracts between birth parents and adoptive parents---LEGAL contracts, that can be enforced in a court of law if the contract is broken. If you are in one of those states, make SURE you get that contract.

You're welcome to come here and talk about it any time you like. I'm more than happy to talk to you about my experiences, and hold your (virtual) hand while you have yours.

[div2wice]

I have to agree. I have never had to put a child up for adoption, however I have dealt with infertility issues for nearly 8 years now. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling -- pain mixed with a bit of happiness, for lack of a better word, knowing your child will be cared for.
Its not done yet. You have not signed over your rights yet. Why not go along with the pregnancy, for now. Tell the prospective adoptive parents that its not a done deal yet, that you're really needing to think long and hard about this.
I understand it may be hard for you with no assistance from friends or family, BUT it can be done. There is nothing saying you'll be on welfare, there are plenty of ways to raise a child on your own without public assistance. I did it...
Don't make your decision based on fear... sit down, write some ideas out about how you could make this work. See if this is really what you want to do.
Best of luck...

[alwaysava27]

Think about this before you make a decision. My parents adopted my daughter almst two years ago & I've been missing her ever since, I want her back so badly but I'm being turned down by everyone because the adoption papers are already signed. If I could go back I would never have let anyone take her. That feeling, that bond your feeling DOES NOT go away, so really think about this. If anything else, maybe try legal guardianship, and go frm there, this way you are not completely signing your rights off, so if you change your mind & decide to keep the baby in your life, it won't be a big court issue.

[Synnen]

think about this before you make a decision. my parents adopted my daughter almst two years ago & ive been missing her ever since, i want her back soo badly but im being turned down by everyone cus the adoption papers are already signed. if i could go back i would never have let anyone take her. that feeling, that bond your feeling DOES NOT go away, so really think bout this. if anything else, maybe try legal guardianship, and go frm there, this way you are not completely signing your rights off, so if you change your mind & decide to keep the baby in your life, it wont be a big court issue.

Remember that her situation, life and expectations may be completely different from yours. I miss my daughter every single day---but I don't regret choosing adoption.

Every woman has to make her OWN decision in this situation. It's good to share our stories, but we should also not try to push her towards or away from one choice or another.

That's why I recommend counseling before making a choice. You need to be very aware of the options out there, and the reprecussions from each choice.

[alwaysava27]

Synnen is probably right. I shldnt have been that opinionated. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I that for me it was a decision I made waaay too quickly, shldve thought it through. If someone mentions an easy way out of a situation if times get tough, it may sound like a great option at first, but def something to really put thought into first, so you don't regret it later. Every woman is def entitled to her own choice, I agree. Jst remember it's a life long forever decision.

[homebirthmom]

Wow, this is a very powerful topic. One that most women don't even want to think about.
I totally agree 100% with Synnen. Right now the best option is counseling. No matter what you choose to do, it is your decision, and no one can make it for you, and your family and friends should not be trying to influence your decision one way or another.
Raising a child is a huge responsibility, but there is nothing else like it. I've never been in your shoes, so I don't have any ideas of my own, only a friendly cyber-smile :) for you.
Many women do raise children with no state-funded help, while others find it very difficult to raise children even with help. I have one child right now, and don't plan to have anymore. If I were to get pregnant, I would be seriously considering adoption, as I feel it would be the best thing. However, after carrying the baby under my breast for 9 months, I don't know how I would feel.
I too am here if you need someone to talk to.
Either way, adoption or not, enjoy your pregnancy. :)

[nyvegaspd]

I need some advice, I am currently 5 months pregnant and it was completely unplanned. I had no support from my family and the father whom I was previsouly in a 5 year relationship with wanted me to get rid of it. I am very set in the way of I will not get an abortion and I stuck with that. My first instinct was to keep the child but when talking to people I didnt want to be a single mother who can barely support herself, living on welfare trying to get by and have a good life for my daughter.

I told a friend of the family that I was pregnant and it turns out her daughter can not have kids and wants one and they were thinking of putting themselves on an adoption list. When I thought about adoption I definately wanted to be in an open adoption but was very scared of who the parents would be. When I found out my friend wanted a kid a decided that in the best interest in my baby would be to give her to my friend becuase I knew they would be able to give her what she deserves.

I have since told them that I would love for them to be my daughters parents and was very happy. Recently however I have been feeling really really bad, Im starting to bond with her and can feel her moving and am terrified to give her up but know that it is in her best interest I just can't shake this motherly insticnt and yes it probably happens but none of my friends understand and Im losing friends over this, and just feel so weak and depressed over it, everyone just tells me its hormones but its my baby I just feel so alone and dont know what to do anymore, but at the same time I do know what to do!

Anyways I just needed to get this off my chest, maybe someone else out there has gone through this. I dont know. All I do know is its tearing me up inside and I dont know how to deal with it.

Hello my name is paul and all I can say is if your loseing friends over this its not! A big loss because they obviously aren't true friends follow your heart and please if you do keep her make shure you have a high school diploma cause at least then you give yourself and your child a much better start and remember you can do whatever you put your mind to in life cause if I can do it so can anybody I wish you the best I'm thinking your young and if so you really need to think it through best wishis frm pau

*** email edited out, please do not put email in post

[Fr_Chuck]

I am adopted, from the best I can tell my birth mother was young and my birth dad was a in the military and sort of passing though the relationship.
Doing what couples did back then, they got married but he did not stay around long.

So I was adopted, in that I had a wonderful life ( with normal childhood problems) Was my parents the best, no, Were they the worst, of course not.

But I grew up normal with many of the same problems.

But it is never the money a family has for a child, the child living with the single mother on welfare **** Did not our current President elect grow up with a single mom on welfare.

So I guess we have to look it is how hard we will work to charge our life and to make the life of our child the best.

[stevetcg]

Just to add my 2 cents...

8 years ago I gave my son for adoption. His birth mother was a 'less than wonderful person' and I felt that if my child were to remain in contact with her, it would negatively affect his life.

I stayed in contact with his adoptive parents for a while, but their interest seemed to wane as years passed.

To this day, I think about him from time to time. Sometimes I regret the decision, sometimes I applaud myself for an unselfish act and honestly, sometimes I drink myself unconscious crying (not so much anymore).

I am older now, with a daughter and an adopted son. My regrets have mostly passed, but I still think what might have been.

My advice... do what is right for you and what is best for your baby. Screw what ANYONE else has to say on the matter, including your parents, family, adoption counselor or whomever else you speak to. Everyone has their own agenda and the only one that matters is the one that isn't born yet.

[alwaysava27]

Just to add my 2 cents...

8 years ago I gave my son for adoption. His birth mother was a 'less than wonderful person' and I felt that if my child were to remain in contact with her, it would negatively affect his life.

I stayed in contact with his adoptive parents for a while, but their interest seemed to wane as years passed.

To this day, I think about him from time to time. Sometimes I regret the decision, sometimes I applaud myself for an unselfish act and honestly, sometimes I drink myself unconscious crying (not so much anymore).

I am older now, with a daughter and an adopted son. My regrets have mostly passed, but I still think what might have been.

My advice... do what is right for you and what is best for your baby. Screw what ANYONE else has to say on the matter, including your parents, family, adoption counselor or whomever else you speak to. Everyone has their own agenda and the only one that matters is the one that isnt born yet.

It really makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only person out there who feels & has felt exactly how you feel steve. It still hurts frm time to time (giving my daughter up for adoption). As nice as it is my daughter is w/her grandparents now, I don't have a good relationship w/them, my mom never liked me. But I wantd you to know, you aren't the only one who's felt that way, I'm healing everyday, although I do still think about my daughter everyday & cherish the memories & pics I do have of her, I know one day ill have another baby, when the time is right.

[cornedbeef]

Hi there,
Speaking from a male and an adoptee's view point, I think you will know the right decision with time. If your bonding grows stronger as the pregnancy progresses the decision to give up your baby will be that much harder. Bear in mind that your situation as a single parent would more than likely mean an even greater bond of love for you both as you only have each other.
The one thing that matters is the love you can give to your child and not what you can give financially or materialistically.
No matter what love an adoptive parent gives, they cannot really form the same bond as a natural mother and baby can.
I was adopted by a good family who provided the materialistic things in life but not the love. I grew up up feeling something was missing from my life and it was not until I researched adoption and it effects that I realized what it was... Motherly love as an infant.
Please think about what you could give to that baby. Your decision to give away your baby could deny that baby the most important thing in it's life... a mother's love.
I could go on for ever but you sound like a person who has already started the bonding process. It will only grow and if that bond is broken it will leave you and your baby with emotional scars for life.
This is only my opinion and what ever you decide I wish you and your baby a good and happy life.

[Synnen]

Hi there,
speaking from a male and an adoptee's view point, I think you will know the right decision with time. If your bonding grows stronger as the pregnancy progresses the decision to give up your baby will be that much harder. Bear in mind that your situation as a single parent would more than likely mean an even greater bond of love for you both as you only have each other.
The one thing that matters is the love you can give to your child and not what you can give financially or materialistically.
No matter what love an adoptive parent gives, they cannot really form the same bond as a natural mother and baby can.
I was adopted by a good family who provided the materialistic things in life but not the love. I grew up up feeling something was missing from my life and it was not until I researched adoption and it effects that I realized what it was....Motherly love as an infant.
Please think about what you could give to that baby. Your decision to give away your baby could deny that baby the most important thing in it's life....... a mother's love.
I could go on for ever but you sound like a person who has already started the bonding process. It will only grow and if that bond is broken it will leave you and your baby with emotional scars for life.
This is only my opinion and what ever you decide I wish you and your baby a good and happy life.

Financial and material DO make a difference, whether you think so or not, and regardless which option a woman chooses when she faces an unplanned pregnancy, there are scars for life.

I grew up in a poor family. We had clothes on our backs, food in our mouths, and a roof over our heads---and because our parents were working all the time, not a lot of time with them.

If you can't afford to even do THAT much--provide food, shelter, and clothing to a child--then adoption SHOULD be an option.

Please realize though (as I realize myself) that not all adoptees feel the same way that you do, just as not all birthmothers feel the same way that I do. Love doesn't necessarily mean you'll be any happier---my sister was MISERABLE with the fact that we didn't have much more than our parents' love growing up, and is bitter about it even today.

I really think that some counseling would benefit you. There are MANY substitute parents that can form a better bond with a child than a natural mother--especially if the mother is not ready to BE a mother. I know kids that care more for their grandparents than for their parents because the grandparents are who raise them while their parents are off doing whatever. I knew people in high school who cared more for their foster parents than for their neglectful biological parents. And I know that there's another expert on this board that could care less about his biological parents, because his adoptive parents were all the parents he could ever need. I truly believe that lack of bonding has nothing to do with being adopted, but that there is something else in play there, since others can and have bonded with parents other than their biological parents.

[peanut2008]

I need some advice, I am currently 5 months pregnant and it was completely unplanned. I had no support from my family and the father whom I was previsouly in a 5 year relationship with wanted me to get rid of it. I am very set in the way of I will not get an abortion and I stuck with that. My first instinct was to keep the child but when talking to people I didnt want to be a single mother who can barely support herself, living on welfare trying to get by and have a good life for my daughter.

I told a friend of the family that I was pregnant and it turns out her daughter can not have kids and wants one and they were thinking of putting themselves on an adoption list. When I thought about adoption I definately wanted to be in an open adoption but was very scared of who the parents would be. When I found out my friend wanted a kid a decided that in the best interest in my baby would be to give her to my friend becuase I knew they would be able to give her what she deserves.

I have since told them that I would love for them to be my daughters parents and was very happy. Recently however I have been feeling really really bad, Im starting to bond with her and can feel her moving and am terrified to give her up but know that it is in her best interest I just can't shake this motherly insticnt and yes it probably happens but none of my friends understand and Im losing friends over this, and just feel so weak and depressed over it, everyone just tells me its hormones but its my baby I just feel so alone and dont know what to do anymore, but at the same time I do know what to do!

Anyways I just needed to get this off my chest, maybe someone else out there has gone through this. I dont know. All I do know is its tearing me up inside and I dont know how to deal with it.

There is no black and white answer, and although we look for answers elsewhere, the answer often comes from within. I think what you need to remember is that the situation you find yourself in at this present time is unfortunate, however happens to many people. Now I know I don't know you and apologise if you feel I'm making a generalisation, but many women go through the same situation and raise children by themselves very well! You may not feel emotionally able to deal with it and this may be true, but only you can decide what you can deal with. If you do decide to give your child up for adoption make sure its for the right reasons, not because your boyfriend doesn't want the baby or he's left you, or your friend wants the child (WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND THE BABY?) yes money does help but its not the be all and end all. This child has come as a blessing to you and maybe the person who becomes your life long company and friend. Please I urge you to consider your thoughts!! I think from the fact your feeling guilty speaks volumes!! You may be bonding with this little being, who is actually apart of you. You do not have control over many things in life, but this is one thing you can take control of. I wish you all the best in this time of uncertainty and hope you make the right decision for you XXX

[hismommy]

Pray, Talk to others, Make the best decion for you and not other people, you will regret it for the rest of your and the child's life. The other thing is you have all ready told this person that you are wanting to give the grearest gift a woman can give another woman motherhood. I didn't want to want to give my child up for adoption, and he is adopted and I will tell you every time I'm given the gift to see him my heart hurts. Because I have to understand I don't make those mommy decions someone else does, You need to be able to live with the idea and possablity of someone else making those decions for the child too, and if you honestly can't Be the MOMMY.

[cornedbeef]

Hi Kels,
We are all swamping you with our opinions and I would like to know to how you are feeling at the moment? It is too easy for us all to forget the person who has posted in the first place.

[Kels11]

Hi Kels,
we are all swamping you with our opinions and I would like to know to how you are feeling at the moment? It is too easy for us all to forget the person who has posted in the first place.

Honestly, Im not sure how I feel, its been really hard because there is no one close to me that has gone through this, so I decided to post on here. Now yes it has been really nice seeing how different people, whether you have gone through a smilar situation, been apart of one, or are just voicing what you have to say, how you interpret what happened or is happening. It has given me a new outlook on the situation. Before it was just I know I have to do what is best for the baby not for myself, and a few people had mentioned that. Its just really hard to actually go through the motions and deal with the decision that you make and I just really needed some reassurance. I know I'm not the first and will not be the last to do this but it doesn't change the fact that it tears me up inside. I just don't want to feel like I'm the only one with these emotions going back and forth. I think I have made the decision to give my daughter to my friend. I have talked with her a lot over the last little bit, and yes it is going to be very hard but I have put some events in place that should help me.

Its just really nice to see what others have to say, because I can tell people what Im doing and I would get; "well when I had my son/daughter I couldnt imagine giving her/him up and your not the type of person to do that because you get attached so easily!" That's just really hard to deal with because I feel like they don't have faith in me, they don't know my situation, but yet they are supposed to be friends. Where as on here, you don't know me you tell me how it is and I appreciate that a lot! So Thank you.

Hopefully that gives you abit of insite into what's going through my head, and I just want to say thank you to everyone, Im always looking for advice or someone to talk to, I'm just kind of shy and don't know how to go about asking for help.

[Synnen]

Honey, we're all here to help you whenever you want. Ask questions, vent your frustrations and your fears---whatever it takes to help you.

I really really think that you should speak to a counselor, though. You need to talk to a real person about your fears and hopes and frustrations--someone who can help YOU answer your own questions, the ones in your heart. I really wish I had seen a counselor when I was pregnant. I don't know whether I would have changed my mind about adoption--I really do believe it was in my daughter's best interests!--but I probably would have been better able to deal with different aspects of everything associated with the adoption.

And remember--we're here to help you, we're here to listen to you, we're here to hold your hand if you need it. Just let us know what would help you the most.

[cornedbeef]

Hi kels,

I totally agree with Synnen. You really would be advised to seek the professional advice from a counselor. We are all with you and I've no doubt will remain so even after you have decided what to do..
Good luck in whatever you decide and stay with us.

Richard.