[03fridge]

I am beginning to believe that there is something wrong with me, it has to be me. After all I went through with my crazy ex that I've shared here, I finally met a really great woman and things were going very well or so I thought. This new woman is 10 years younger than myself and has two children ages 2 and 1. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. The first night we met we wound up sitting on her porch until 4AM just talking and it was really great. The second time we met up it was pretty much the same thing. So after that we exchanged numbers and started spending more time together. Its been a couple of months now that we've been doing this and have fallen into a "routine" about what nights we call each other and what nights we spend time together. Our "routine" just kind of came together around her kids and their needs. There was nothing wrong with that and it was great after what I had been through. Also we weren't bf/gf per her request. She just wanted us to be friends with benefits which also was fine with me since I knew the "game rules" going in.

Today I got back from a week long vacation that was planned long before I ever met this woman and all h@ll broke loose. I called her to let her know that I was back in town and her reply was "I don't think our relationship is working and I want to end it right now. You really don't care about me and I guess it took you to go on vacation for me to realize just how little I really meant to you. You really aren't the person I thought you were and I don't want to waste any more time with this. You wanted to be my bf in name only, but didn't want any of the responsibilities or baggage that comes with being my bf."

I guess while I was gone on vacation the ground rules changed and somewhere along the line I became her boyfriend unbeknowest to me.

When I asked her what the heck was going on and what brought this up, she replied "you didn't send me flowers after the first time we had sex, you wouldn't get a tattoo with me when I asked you to, and when I asked you to go to Las Vegas with me you said you would, but weren't very convincing and I just can't be with someone who won't go to Vegas with me". So needless to say I was still trying to take all this in when she hit me with "you are probably the worst bf I've ever had. You just don't care about me or are even trying to get to know me. Even though you always ask about my kids and ask about my day and what I have going on, I don't think you really care. I think you just do it because you think you need to so you can continue to get me into bed".

Oh on the Vegas thing... she came up with the idea at 8PM on Friday night of Memorial weekend and wanted to come back either Saturday night (the next night) late or early Sunday morning so we could be back in time to be home Sunday, so when her ex husband dropped of the kids on Sunday she'd be there for them. She got pretty upset when we couldn't find a flight out that night and blamed me for not trying hard enough to find one. I guess calling every airline that flies from our city and them telling both her and I they were booked solid or had no flights out yet that night to Vegas was poor planning on my part.

As I'm typing this I'm still trying to figure out what the heck happened today. So after her telling me that our "relationship" was over, I told her I was sorry to hear that she felt that way but if that is what she wanted I understood. That really put her in a tirade. "she told me that I was to passive for her, and that if I really did care for her that I would've put up some sort of fight to keep our "she told me that I was to passive for her, and that if I really did care for her that I would've put up some sort of fight to keep our " together". Then she got into the " together". My not spending money on her was actually her choice. During our time together I was always suggesting we go here, go there, do this, do that. She wanted to just keep things the way they were, which was just coming over to my house drinking beer, doing a couple of shots, watching movies and having sex. She told me that that was working for her and she didn't want to mess it up by changing it. She told me that she felt if we actually went out and did things it would be like dating and since we were not dating she didn't want to change up. When I would buy her something it was always "you're also a cheap bum because you didn't even spend any money on me" or if we'd go for coffee it was "you know that you could've bought the same thing at this store, but I see you went to this store just because you could save a few dollars. I guess I'm not worth the extra couple of dollars to you"?

At that point I had heard enough and told her it was time to end our conversation. Then she changed gears and asked me if I had taken any pictures on my vacation. I told her that I had. She then asked if she could have one of me. I just had to ask why? Her response was because I want a new picture of you.

I don't get it... she just ended whatever it was that we had and she wants a new picture of me... why?

As we ended our conversation she tells me that she would still take my calls... if she were home... if I wanted to continue to call her and that she hoped I would. I just don't see that happening.

I guess I'm just to stupid and nieve to not have read between the lines and instead taken her at her word concerning our "you couldn't afford to get me the biggest they had" of just being friends with benny's and not being bf/gf. I guess when its to good to be true it really isn't true.

Tonight she stopped by my house and another "arraingement" came out. Now it appears what triggered all of this was I didn't keep our schedule of when we talk on the phone while I was on vacation. She had a rough week while I was gone on vacation and needed a shoulder to cry on and I was nowhere around and she felt that once again I didn't care because I didn't keep the schedule. The best part of her coming by this evening... she told me that when she gets her new furniture delievered she wants to have me over for dinner and to see her new stuff. Again... WHY?

You think I would've learned from the last time. I think its actually time for me to stop dating. Thanks for letting me rant and vent... its just been one of those days.

[educatedhorse_2005]

It sounds to me like she has some underlying issues she needs to work on.
I would suggest counseling She needs help.
I don't believe that she is all there.

[shunned]

Sounds like she is trying to manipulate you emotionally.
That stood out when she "switched gears" which she was, trying a different tactic.
There appears to be nothing "wrong" with you. Sounds like she is high maintenance.
I'd move on, unless you like this sort of arrangement.

[valinors_sorrow]

She is doing something called "projecting", where you project your worst fears onto someone, whether its appropriate or not. You triggered this when you left which, unbeknownst to you, tripped her abandonment trigger and set the wheels in motion.

Its not logical but it goes something like this: "males have hurt me, you are a male therefore you will hurt me." Then you flip back and forth from your fear to reality and back again.

I know this because I have both done it and had it done to me. It takes really communicating deeply to get out of it and sometimes even then you don't. I have lost friends to this.

Now when I get that worked up, I know that my perceptions get warped and aren't to be trusted, and that nips in it the bud for me.

I hope that was helpful and I wouldn't blame you if she seems beyond your ability to help. You are her date, not her therapist.

(.. . And now the rest of you know what a wacko I am, bwaahhaaha!) :p

[Wildcat21]

Test message

[Wildcat21]

It's TOTALLY NOT YOU!!

Wondering if she's having her period? (sorry ladies).

I knew you must not have called regularly on vacation.

Sounds like she's trying to take control of the relationship?

"I told her I was sorry to hear that she felt that way but if that is what she wanted I understood. " - GREAT ANSWER - YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID - "oK THEN bye"

MY STRONG ADVICE IS NOT TO CALL HER OR CONTACT HER FOR A WHILE. SHE WANTS A LOVE SICK PUPPY TO COME RUNNING BACK TO HER. Let her call you.

It's weird - you may have a little unsatable woman on your hands.

Has she been like this before?

I've been through this before acoupel times with divorced women with kids - a lot of them are vwery insecure at times. Low self esteem.

HERE IS THE DEAL -SHE ACTED BADLY ON THE PHONE - IT'S A TEST. YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED HER OUT ON IT.

Big advice here - DODGE all those tough questions. Huge advice: answer her questions with a question.

[magprob]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ink-27755.html

[03fridge]

Thanks guys and gals for the words.

Since my initial post I have had many voice mails left and a couple of visits. Her voice mails have gone unreturned.

On her first visit she tried to play more of the "blame game" by pointing the finger at me and telling me that I brought all of this about since I never spent money on her by taking her on a real date vs. just staying at my house. When I repointed out the fact that that was what she wanted and asked me not to take her on a date because that would mean we were actually dating v. just being friends w/benny's a stunning slience hit the front yard. Then she hit me w/if you cared about me you would've pushed harder and forced me to go out on a "date" w/you. Tired of playing this game I told her that I was just to old to start "forcing" people to go out with me when they tell me they don't want to, even if it is a test as I'm now seeing it as and apparently I failed (I was never that great at pop-quizzes at school) anyway. She then got mad and left.

Then last night she stops by again and goes into a rage when she sees me having a beer w/my single female next door neighbor. Then she hit the 64,000 dollar question... "where do you see this heading?". I told her I thought from our previous conversation that whatever it was we had was over and I didn't expect to see her again, wished her all the luck in the world on her future endeavors, and good bye. Her response (which was classic), "ok we are going to retract that last statement and pretend it was never said. Of course you are going to see me again and its a shame that you'd even think that way. I don't know where you come up with this stuff. You need to be more like me and look at the BIG PICTURE and quit looking at yesterday and today, and look more forward." I told her I was and didn't see "US" in the picture.

In fact just before I sat here to write this she left another voice mail asking if I had plans for the weekend because although she has to work all weekend she'd like to play it by ear about us spending some time together this weekend.

Wildcat - yes, she should be or about to begin her period. I took that into consideration too when all this began. No I didn't call her on a regular basis while I was on vacation. I did the call to say "I'm here", the mid week call, and then a call when I got home to say "I'm home".

What I'm learning from her is that even though she has a red ball in her hand, and she's telling me it's a red ball, and that she really wants the red ball, I'm supposed to know that the ball is really blue and that is what she really wants. The red ball is just a test which I'm supposed to see through.

[talaniman]

Women can get wacky during a certain time of the month especially if you have the gall to interrupt her benefits routine, and yes this is what us poor men go through. Benefits also has a down side and you've found it!

[Wildcat21]

It sounds like she is really testing you. I don't get the break up crap every other day, only to come running back. Looks like you handlef it well - no begging, pleading etc.

I not sure of this gal... you guys 'broke up' - then she's upset your having a drink with a neighbor? That's really insecure.

If you still like her, maybe you don't?. play this out and see if she becomes more stable.

See - what's going on here also is she's FIGHTING for POWER in the relationship. POWER!! You isn't giving it to her - which is great.

Thanks god you keep acting like 'what ever' and be cool about it. You aCTUALLY are PASSING SOME TESTS!!

[Chery]

Honey, RUN, DON'T WALK.. to the nearest EXIT!

This woman has a dream, it consists of what SHE wants in life, and it does not really matter with WHOM.

She expected you to insist that you go out; expected you to take her to Vegas and probably jump into a little chapel while there. She wants to be swept off her feet but under her conditions. Until she gets this manipulative urge of her's down to a perfect talent, she will use you and many other men and you'll feel like emotional yoyos.

Sorry that you got kind of 'out of the frying pan, and into the fire' with your relationships, but it's better to have learned and gotten over with, than having stuff like this creep up on you. Now you know what kind of woman NOT to fall for.

These 'bennies' are surely not worth it, and I'm sure you're not looking to become a father of a ready made family yet. So, unless you are really into this woman, her tirades and all, gain as much distance as possible and fast.

There are some crazy women out there, and you've met your share. Sure hope that this phase is soon over for you. Good Luck.

[Wildcat21]

I want t ospread the reputation Chery, but I can't yet.

I am so with you Chery. YOU HIT IT ON THE HEAD.

A lot of these women are divorced and with kids. Manipulators.

[s_cianci]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you but I think she has some serious problems going on here. The next time you visit her you'd better take a straightjacket with you, because that's what she needs. Of course the part about you providing it is facetious but you get the picture. I'd RUN away from this one as fast as I could and don't look back. You don't need to subject yourself to this kind of abuse. There's plenty of normal women out there ; find yourself one or stay single. A relationship with a psycho is far worse than no relationship at all.

[valinors_sorrow]

There's plenty of normal women out there ; find yourself one or stay single. A relationship with a psycho is far worse than no relationship at all.

"There's plenty of normal people out there ; find yourself one or stay single. A relationship with a psycho is far worse than no relationship at all."

"There's plenty of normal people out there ; find yourself one or stay single. A relationship with a psycho is far worse than no relationship at all."

There's a thought that bears repeating a couple of times LOL... the thing about relationships is for the most part the well adjusted hang tight with the well adjusted and dysfunctional with the dysfunctional. I mean, look around and see if that ins't pretty much how the world works. Sooooo if a person is complaining about their mate, it behooves a long look in that thing hanging above the bathroom sink perhaps? :o

[Serpentina77]

I wish that sometimes after we write down our advice question, we could change into someone else.

Because then if you actually read your question, or if you heard it from someone else, you'd immediately know what the answer was.

It's obvious that she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't want you to spend money or do or be more and then all of the sudden, she'll turn on you with "why couldn't you spend a few extra dollars?"

I don't know if it's because she never wants to be dependent on someone so she says things to try to make herself look independent and like she doesn't want any more than you already have,(ie, she has two children and is divorced so this happens) but with you she sometimes slips because she actually does want more. She's just too afraid to say it.

My initial reaction when I read this was two things. One, don't let her drag you along. She ended it! You are right to question why she does this stuff. She's not ready to let go. But it really doesn't matter, it seems like she's using you. Especially as something to vent on.

And two, as for not dating anymore, I don't believe that. I think dating is fine as long as you realize when to get out of it, like getting put into something weird like this. If a woman said she doesn't want you to spend money on her and then complains when you get something cheaper than you could, then put it right in her face. You've got to say, you told me not to spend any on you. Why are you saying this?

I wish you good luck, I'm sorry that stuff like this happened. Sure, she can say she was stressed, but vacation is vacation. She never specifically asked you to still call her at the same times or anything, so it's her fault that she wasn't called.

Stand up for yourself, giving up would be the wrong decision. Especially since you were so calm and level headed with her. I give you props for that!