[Starla]

Hello! I have an etiquette question concerning an unpleasant experience I have had hosting a guest in my home. She has suggested that in the future she would like to visit me again. How do I address that she was impolite on her last visit and I would only host her if she improves her behavior? Or alternately, how do I tell her that I would not like her to visit when she asks again? Oddly, she is a good person, but a terrible guest.

For reference, below are some of the instances that made her visit unpleasant. I live in a small apartment with my cats and boyfriend and we both have low income, so accommodating a guest is a big stretch for us.

1. Expected me to do her laundry and complained when it took me too long to get it back to her. "Didn't I give that shirt to you 2 days ago?"

2. Left all cups and dishes lying out and dirty, never once putting one in the sink, let alone dishwasher. Offered absolutely no help with chores.

3. Borrowed my clothes and left them lying on the floor.

4. Left her makeup all over the bathroom sink every day. When I gathered up her things and placed them in a basket, she related a story to me of how her aunt is always doing the same thing with her stuff because her aunt is so annoyingly fastidious.

5. I put 600 miles on my car driving her everywhere she wanted to visit, including to and from the airport, spending at least $70 on gas. She offered me $5 to pay for gas. I asked her if she could at least split the gas with me, since I am on a frugal budget. She grilled me about how many miles to the gallon I get and did math on the cost of gas before agreeing to pay $25. She behaved as though I were trying to get one over on her.

6. I paid for all parking all over town racking up around $15 in parking. She actually balked when I asked her for 50 cents to pay for some extra time on the meter so she could visit a store when I had run out of change. It was like pulling teeth to get her to give me more than a quarter. She begrudginly handed over two more dimes.

7. She wanted to go to restaurants and bars, which were out of my budget, but I accommodated. She wanted to split the bills evenly when her intake cost more. She did not offer to buy a single meal or drink, or even to pay more for the tip.

8. Left her coat upstairs on the floor near the cat's litter box. When I brought it downstairs to shake the litter off, she insisted that the cats had dragged it upstairs themselves and sprayed litter all over it on purpose. When I let her know that they did not have the strength, or brains to do such a thing, she refused to believe the reality that she had left the coat there herself.

9. She brought her computer on the long car trips to type away while I drove her around. Once when getting back in the car, she claimed, "There is a footprint on my computer. Somebody stepped on it. How interesting." The "somebody" was meant to imply that it was me, since we were the only people in the car. I suggested that she match the shoe print to her own shoes (she was wearing sneakers, I was wearing boots and the shoe print was an obvious sneaker print) She wiped the shoe print away saying that she highly doubted that it was hers, leaving the blame on me.

10. Offered nothing in the way of a thank you note or token of consideration. Though she did buy several bottles of wine. To take home with her.

I was shocked at not only the lack of consideration, but the blaming and stingy behavior. How do I deal with this friend in the future? It was quite a turn off.

Sincerely,
Starla

[Fr_Chuck]

You did not set groud rules before, and did not require things as it was happening.

1. clothes, tell her "pick them up"

2. make up tell her "pick them up"

Going out, tell her you pay yours and I pay mine, don't use same ticket.

Driving, keep a log book, and make her understand she is paying for gas before you go places.

Sometimes you have to be direct

[momof4and1]

Wow, don't put yourself out or anything! Does she do this on a regular basis to her other friends? If so that means she gets free maid services, bargain meals, free rent, driving service, etc. If she asks again, I would just say that you are not in a financial position to accommodate guests. Or maybe let her know that she is a great friend, but a nightmare of a houseguest!! Nicely of course. :)

[jjwoodhull]

I had a friend that behaved similarly - if not worse. Once I invited her and her husband to a bar b que and they showed with 6 extra people. All of them brought a change of clothes in case they didn't want to make the 1 hour drive home after. None of them brought anything with them, no one called or wrote to say thank you after, 2 of them stepped out just before dinner to get some things for themselves at a local farmstand and 1 stated that he didn't like any of the 3 dessert choices, did we have anything else!

This is just one example of years of her abusing my hospitality. I tried several times to address it with her. She always acted receptive to me complaints/requests, but her behavior never changed. Eventually our friendship ended over it.