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Turambar · Nov 4, 2008, 01:38 PM

I have only been back on NC for about two weeks when I got an email at work today from my exes' boss announcing that her Grandmother had passed away last night and providing wake/funeral information.

Should I say/do anything? I would like to tell her that I am sorry for her loss, but on the other hand I don't want to bother her during a time like this. What would be the best way to handle this situation?

talaniman · Nov 4, 2008, 01:49 PM

You send a card of condolence.

ZoeMarie · Nov 4, 2008, 01:50 PM

I would go out and get her a card.

ZoeMarie · Nov 4, 2008, 01:56 PM

You're welcome, I was going to agree with Tal, but I have to spread rep so I couldn't. My ex's niece died, but we were engaged for 3+ years and when it happened we had been apart for over a year. I knew his family really well since they all lived in the area so I went to the wake. So every situation is different but it sounds like your best bet is a card.

Romefalls19 · Nov 4, 2008, 01:58 PM

Following the tend, a card saying "sorry for your loss" and that's it

BMI · Nov 4, 2008, 02:05 PM

Could send a card. Personally, I would do nothing.

Turambar · Nov 4, 2008, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by BMI

Could send a card. Personally, I would do nothing.

Why is that? I mean, that was my first reaction. The fact that we work together, in the same department, on the same floor, is the only reason I am considering doing anything at all.

BMI · Nov 4, 2008, 02:35 PM

If it was your first reaction than why are you questioning it??

Turambar · Nov 4, 2008, 02:58 PM

Well I thought of doing nothing because she certainly hasn't thought of me for 4 months and wouldn't know what tragedies I have had happen (not that there have been any thank God), so why should I offer her sympathy?

On the other hand, I would certainly get a card for anyone else I work with and don't know that I should withhold that from her just because we didn't work out.

BMI · Nov 5, 2008, 09:13 AM

I'm not saying sending a card is a bad idea. However, we do tend to afford others more courtesy in situations like this than they may for us in the same situation.

Also, NC is about staying away as best you can so that you may get over her. While the gesture is nice it maylead to more communication that unknowing to her could hurt you in the future. That's why I'm not totally sold on the idea.

Turambar · Nov 5, 2008, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by BMI

I'm not saying sending a card is a bad idea. However, we do tend to afford others more courtesy in situations like this than they may for us in the same situation.

Also, NC is about staying away as best you can so that you may get over her. While the gesture is nice it maylead to more communication that unknowing to her could hurt you in the future. That's why I'm not totally sold on the idea.

Thanks for making me think a little before acting.

One of the great things about this site is the opportunity to learn from other people's situations before making mistakes. As I was looking over some other relationship questions, I noticed some people asking similar questions to mine and the funny thing is that they made me cringe a little because I could see that in many cases I could see that they were just using things like this as an excuse to break NC.

So I came back to my question with a different point of view and had much the same reaction. Am I just using this as an excuse to initiate contact? I don't know, but I think it is not worth taking that chance and believe I will just stay silent.

jmw0713 · Nov 5, 2008, 12:11 PM

This is a touchy situation. For me it would really depend on how close I was to her family. If my ex's grandmother or grandfather died, I would probably go to the funeral and pay my respects because I was very close to them. They were like my grandparents when I was with her. So out of respect for them I would go, not necessarily to console my ex. That would be her families or new boyfriend's job.

If you don't want to see them, or don't think you could handle seeing them, a good thing to do would be to send flowers and a card to the funeral home.

Turambar · Nov 5, 2008, 12:52 PM

Meh, I'm not sure I am altruistic enough to think that I would be sending the flowers or card without an ulterior motive.

Her family is close - it is not like my flowers or card will help them get over their loss any quicker.

jmw0713 · Nov 5, 2008, 12:55 PM

True... you know your relationship better than anyone here, so weigh your options accordingly. You'll make the right decision.

BMI · Nov 5, 2008, 01:08 PM

Your points on not sending the card are the very same I considered when responding. It is very difficult to judge others motives and give advice based on what one says at face value.

If you are comfortable with your state of emotionspertaining to this girl than the card is a very mature thing to do. Only you know what stage you are at and many try to use opportunities like this to re-establish a line of cmmunication.

I am glad you have this perspective before doing anything that may compromise your situation.

Turambar · Nov 6, 2008, 12:49 PM

Well, it got taken care of in a neutral way. A card was passed around the office and I signed a generic sympathy message in it.

I actually thought twice before I did even that much (petty I know, but having to make even this much contact with her and even under these circumstances brought some pain to the surface again).