[anxious_RN]

This is probably going to be long.

A little about me: My name is Valerie, I'm 19 years old, a sophomore in nursing school (graduating in 2011! Yeah!). I have been dating my boyfriend, Kyle for a year and seven months, he is 25 years old and he is the love of my life :). My parents divorced when I was 14 or 15, it really left me emotionally torn. Although it was difficult, it has made me 110% stronger and I am so grateful that both my mom and dad are happier this way. However, I have been diagnosed with depression since then, I have social anxiety disorder that I am taking paxil CR for. I have been to psychaitrists but I am unable to afford one at this time.

When I started college, I weighed 149 pounds (I'm 5'7"). Since then, I have beat the freshman 15 and turned it into the freshman 30, weighing 170 pounds now. I like my body though, I don't think I look like I weigh 170 pounds. My boyfriend still thinks I'm beautiful and is still very happy with my figure. I would die to weigh 145 pounds again, though I don't know how to do it. I loose my motivation after exercising and eating healthy for two weeks and not seeing anything on the scale. I guess I just don't know how to do it. When I did I would eat usually a banana and yogurt for breakfast, something small but healthy for lunch and chicken and salad for dinner. I would use the treadmill for 45 minutes running at intervals. I never saw anything and gave up. I bet if I tried again the same thing would happen. I guess if anyone has ideas on that that would help too.

It is very hard for me to I guess find time to eat right. I have 3-4 hour lectures during the day for school and if I just eat a banana my stomach will start growling and that's really embarrassing. Also, I'm really picky. And, I guess I don't know what to make for dinner that I would like and that's healthy. Even when I'm barely eating anything and exercising my butt off I feel like I eating too much and not exercising enough.

I just posted a question about porn, and how my confidence and self-esteem issues have gotten the best of me and someone suggested that I make a separate post about my confidence issues. I want to watch porn w/ my boyfriend but I get desperatly jealous if I know he's going to look at another naked woman, if you are interested I just posted that question yesterday.

I bet if I lost the weight that would help my confidence issues. My boyfriend is not the issue, he tells me I'm beautiful everyday and I know he would never cheat on me or anything. I think I just don't like porn because he's 25 and been to plenty of strip clubs, been with many different women, and seen so many naked women in videos and person, and I feel like I don't compare to them. He tells me that's not true at all, but my self-esteem is so crappy I just still feel that way.

I guess I'm asking:
1) What do I do to improve my self-esteem?
2) Should I try to lose weight, do you think that would help?
3) Why do I have these self esteem issues?

Thank you, I know that was a long post but I really really appreciate your time reading it.

[Choux]

I saw your comments on the other board... let me give some thought to this question; I'll get back to you with my opinion later.

[encanta]

Your boyfriend sounds like a really genuine guy, if he truly is the love of your life he won't care if you weighed 145 lbs, or even 450 lbs. Love doesn't have standards that have to be met through physical appearance and feeling as if you look good naked. Love is not prejudice to that kind of junk or anything for that matter. Love is happiness and being with someone who enhances who you are, not someone who makes yourself esteem low.


Just focus on what great things you bring to the relationship.
I promise that he wouldn't have stayed with you for 19 months if you two weren't meant for each other and you weren't exactly what he wanted.

[anxious_RN]

Thank you, encanta. And Choux, I look forward to seeing your post on this. I understand that my weight shouldn't matter if he loved me or not (like you said, it doesn't :p), but I think that losing it will help my confidence. Does anyone have experience with Weight Watchers? Or is it not worth it to pay that money when I can just do it on my own? (although I obviously don't know how) its hard being a college student and even having money for a movie.

[jjwoodhull]

You said that you quit exercising because you weren't seeing immediate results. Sometimes it takes awhile, even up to 6 weeks to see the results. Also, even if you are not seeing it on the scale, you know that it is good for you. AND the endorphins that you release exercising can make you feel better mentally. So do it for your overall health, not your weight and then see what happens.

As for dieting, don't starve yourself. Eat a good breakfast with protein and fiber. Eat a nice healthy lunch. Make dinner your small meal.

Most importantly, be thankful for your boyfriend. He sounds like a great guy!

[TexasParent]

I am sure there are people here that will give you more advise on the self-esteem issue than I will at this time. I am especially interested in Choux's answer from a female perspective.

Having said that, I want to tell you that you boyfriend seems wonderful and I pray you start to love yourself as he loves you. See, right in front of you is affirmation of your beauty from another person, it's time to stop believing all the negative things you think or say to yourself. I would reject them and say no more and replace them with a positive affirmation about yourself, even if you don't believe it at first. In time, the replacement of negative thoughts, feelings, etc. with positive will snowball and you will have more natural confidence. Develop the good habit of being positive about yourself and it will change who you believe yourself to be and your relationships will become enhanced as will your life.

Remember, you can choose what you think, you can choose what you believe and what not to believe; this alone gives you some control over your life rather than accepting that this is just the way I am. Negative thinking is crap, BS; be aware when you wander into this familiar territory and replace it with something positive about you or your circumstance.

Sometimes negative thinking and low self-esteem is a friend because it has become so familiar, it also may have benefitted us because people tend to feel sorry for those with low self-esteem and try and provide them with extra approval.

Are you an approval sucker, do you seek affirmation from others; stop it, it keeps you bound to the habit of being a victim or having low self-esteem and it will make you unhealthly dependent upon others for the rest of your life and will lead to some poor decisions.

Love yourself, it's the greatest love of all. When we do, then we have more than an abundance of it to give, and if we don't love ourselves we are constantly seeking it from other people, places and things and we never get enough, we always feel empty.

So start loving yourself today, write down on paper what you like about yourself and attach it to your mirror in the bathroom. You should not be without positive reminders of the good and attactive things about it. Make it a daily, hourly, by the minute habit to affirm yourself with positive messages and especially when you feel something negative come over you, replace it with something good (even if you don't entirely believe it).

One you do this, you will naturally eat better as you will not be turning to food as much as a coping mechanism. You will feel naturally inclined to do more exercise during the day even if it mean just taking stairs more where there are elevators or parking further away from where you need to be so you can walk further.

You sound like a smart girl, I know you can do it. One little step at a time.