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BiggPapi · Nov 3, 2008, 05:33 PM

My wife and I are not on the right page right now.
Her brother just died recently,and its been hard on the whole family.
She told me once that I was cheating on her,which by the way is true,but I have to get
It the way it used to be.we don't talk or anything.I'm thinking about just calling it quits but for the sake of our 6 yr old daughter,I can't leave.please anybody with some good advice help..
Thank you to all... :confused:

jack dandy · Nov 3, 2008, 07:00 PM

There's a program called retrouvaille, very good program for people going through rough times in there marriage. The program gives you the tools if you want it to work being your marriage.

JustBreath919 · Nov 4, 2008, 05:34 PM

Here's something I have a problem with that I read a lot on here. I work at a daycare where over 50% of my kids I watch only have a mom or dad around, They are perfect, Staying around with someone you don't love doesn't make the life of your child better, I just need to express this. Also Once you cheat it makes it very difficult to forgive someone. Follow your gut, If you love them and there is a chance Make it happen. If you don't love them and your just trying to convince yourself that its death do you part then you need to leave. Hope this helped!

Wondergirl · Nov 4, 2008, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by JustBreath919

I work at a daycare where over 50% of my kids I watch only have a mom or dad around, They are perfect

I taught preschool and could almost immediately tell by their behavior which children had been in daycare and which were from broken homes.

Staying around with someone you don't love doesn't make the life of your child better

Studies have determined that children want their parents to stay together no matter what, even if they fight and even if they don't love each other. I've heard that very thing from countless children--"I want mom and dad to stay together" or, if they are divorced, "I want us to be a family again." Children blame themselves for a divorce--"If only I'd been a better kid, my parents wouldn't have divorced." Somehow that divorce was the kid's fault, he believes.

Once you cheat it makes it very difficult to forgive someone.

That's not true.

It sounds like you are giving all sorts of justification to bail out. The OP's wife and he need couples counseling. She also needs grief support. Why isn't he one of her supports? That's what you promise to do when you marry, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health."

JustBreath919 · Nov 4, 2008, 05:56 PM

Studies have determined that children want their parents to stay together no matter what, even if they fight and even if they don't love each other. I've heard that very thing from countless children--"I want mom and dad to stay together" or, if they are divorced, "I want us to be a family again." Children blame themselves for a divorce--"If only I'd been a better kid, my parents wouldn't have divorced." Somehow that divorce was the kid's fault, he believes.

Every child wants there mommy and daddy together, and yes they want to be a family, But "no matter what even if they fight" what child wants to be kept up all night because mommy and daddy can't work it out and step back and realize that its just not working anymore. If mommy and daddy were good parents they would sit down and explain to the 6 year old that they love her very much and explain that its not working but they will always be there... They will love her just the same if not more... Staying together for the children isint good enough.

Wondergirl · Nov 4, 2008, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by JustBreath919

Every child wants there mommy and daddy together, and yes they want to be a family, But "no matter what even if they fight" what child wants to be kept up all night because mommy and daddy can't work it out and step back and realize that its just not working anymore.

Children don't reason like that. They are children, not adults. They operate on emotion. They want their parents to stay together no matter what.

If mommy and daddy were good parents they would sit down and explain to the 6 year old that they love her very much and explain that its not working but they will always be there... They will love her just the same if not more... Staying together for the children isint good enough.

Doesn't matter what mommy and daddy say, how reasonable they are. Kids hate divorce and don't want to lose both parents. They don't want to be balls bouncing back and forth from one household to another. Kids don't want one parent less available, and, if the parents are divorced, that is exactly what will happen.

To repeat: kids don't want divorce.

JustBreath919 · Nov 4, 2008, 06:37 PM

I never said they did want it, But you can't stay with someone just for the sake of your children its not fair to anyone. Responsible people would understand that.

Wondergirl · Nov 4, 2008, 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by JustBreath919

I never said they did want it, But you can't stay with someone just for the sake of your children its not fair to anyone. Responsible people would understand that.

You certainly can get into marital/family counseling for the sake of your children and you can work hard during the counseling for the sake of your children and you can reframe your life for the sake of your children and you can sacrifice yourself for the sake of your children.

Digipix · Nov 4, 2008, 07:41 PM

My parents divorced when I was a kid and thankfully they did. As a child you grieve but as with all grief, it passes and you move on with the right support. I'm not endorsing divorce (I've been happily married for 11 years myself) but I'm saying don't feel guilty for searching and making an effort to be happy. I really despise the term "Child From A Broken Home" because it implies that something is wrong with you and you can't move on, which is rubbish. Its patronizing.

As long as your child is supported and loved and listening to then follow your heart. I've known people with parents who stayed together in a loveless marriage and those children grew up to have more problems than I've known in a single person! So you can't say that just because a child has divorced parents they will be damaged for life. Its nonsense. Its about support and love and honesty. That's all you need.

I was not only from a "Broken Home" but was abused by both parents. But after healing I was able to move on and find love in my heart for both of them, compassion for myself and a loving, beautiful relationship with a gorgeous man whom I adore. I own property have 4 internet businesses, retired at 30 and give money to charity and I'm very proud of the way I turned out. It wasn't the divorce I needed so much healing from it was the abuse. The divorce probably took me about 6 months or so to accept. I was 4 at the time.

Then again I know people who've had less problems than I had and turned out totally screwed up and they HAD parents who were together. My cousin has parents who haven't loved each other for years. She's never had a job for more than 6 months, deeply in debt, has had sex with every guy she can lay her hands on, never moved out of home and got pregnant to a guy she knew for 1 week. As soon as he found out she was pregnant off he went- back to London. Did I mention she is intensely insecure? She's never had love from her parents and neither did I but we both turned out so differently.

Divorced parents doesn't mean the child will be screwed up. Neither does having parents together.

Love is the only thing that matters.

Wondergirl · Nov 4, 2008, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by Digipix

So you can't say that just because a child has divorced parents they will be scared for life.

Did I say that? Did I even imply that?

Will the children get the love and support they need from both parents? Maybe more so if each parent can get his/her own act together after a divorce. I hope that would be the case.

JustBreath919 · Nov 4, 2008, 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Did I say that? Did I even imply that?

Of course, will the children get the love and support they need?

Divorced or together children should always get the love and support they need... That's no reflection on divorce

Dragonfly1234 · Nov 6, 2008, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by BiggPapi

my wife and i are not on the right page right now.
Her brother just died recently,and its been hard on the whole family.
she told me once that i was cheating on her,which by the way is true,but i have to get
it the way it used to be.we don't talk or anything.i'm thinking about just calling it quits but for the sake of our 6 yr old daughter,i can't leave.please anybody with some good advice help..
thank you to all.....:confused:

There is a lack of communication in your marriage. I'm not an expert on counselling but it's obvious your marriage would benefit from it. If you are committed to getting back the spark into your marriage, I would suggest investing in some form of counselling. Also, the loss your wife has experienced can take its tole on a person. Grieving for a loved one is very difficult, she may need someone to talk to and she may need help getting through this period of her life. Sometimes, this type of situation has a much greater impact on a person than we would think. Communication, love, understanding, patience, devotion and the willingness to better your relationship are all things that can get your relationship back but it takes time, effort and perseverance but in the end, if what brought you together in the first place was something great and was worth it, then it can be great and worth it again.

hollylovesbrandon · Nov 6, 2008, 08:41 PM

My husband came from a home where his parents fought and threw things and beat each other and did drugs and things. The only thing he wanted was for the fighting to stop... he didn't care if his parents were together when the fighting stopped or not... just that it stopped. He would have been better off in the long run if they would have just left each other. He would have been much happier much sooner.

talaniman · Nov 7, 2008, 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by BiggPapi

my wife and i are not on the right page right now.
Her brother just died recently,and its been hard on the whole family.
she told me once that i was cheating on her,which by the way is true,but i have to get
it the way it used to be.we don't talk or anything.i'm thinking about just calling it quits but for the sake of our 6 yr old daughter,i can't leave.please anybody with some good advice help..
thank you to all.....:confused:

Before you go making those big life changing decisions, give counseling some serious consideration. Ask her if she will go, and if she doesn't, then you go yourself and learn something.

Take a vacation from each other to give yourself a chance to weigh your options, and let the emotional dust settle.

There are many things going on here with you, and the wife, and I doubt you find a solution, overnight, or any time soon, but you can work on one thing at a time, starting with talking to each other.