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pickle_love · Nov 2, 2008, 09:13 AM

Hey guys,

I'm kind of at my wits end here. My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me at the beginning of September, saying he thought we were stuck in a rut and not going anywhere. Needless to say, I went through the whole "but why dont you still love me? can't we try again?" scenario, but he didn't want to hear it. We tried to be friends for a while and stay in touch, after I moved out and got my own place he came round about once a week for a snack and chat. But then I found out that he's started seeing someone (which, with hindsight had been blown out of proportion by friends) (seeing her... translate... theyd been on two dates is all!) so I asked him about it and he said yes he had but so what? It escalated and I got upset and he said he didn't want to come round anymore as it was obviously giving me false hope. Although I tried to play it cool I just couldn't stop hoping we'd get back together. I am still great friends with his mum and dad, as I go up to feed the animals every night and they are just wonderful, they have been real rocks although I know they can't change his mind. We shared the same friends and now I feel isolated as they feel awkward and don't want to be stuck in the middle. If anyone has any advice on how to help, I'd be so glad! I really want him back, as it's not like either of us cheated or lied to one another. I really don't know what else to do, as he is being so distant.

Much love

H x

chuff · Nov 2, 2008, 10:33 AM

You have to be distant back. Staying away from his friends and family is a good place to start.

Also read the sticky's about getting over a break up.

kctiger · Nov 2, 2008, 10:39 AM

You don't have to cheat or lie to each other for a relationsihp to really be over. I just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship, neither one of us doing anything like that. Sometimes relationships end, for better or worse. You need to accept that and it starts by focusing on yourself. People change, feelings change and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. I know it's hard but in the end it happened for a reason. The last thing you should worry about is getting him back. Instead, get yourself back! Stay distant and leave each other alone. As Chuff told you, read the sticky's at the top of this forum, they will help you a lot. Good luck!

pickle_love · Nov 3, 2008, 02:12 PM

Thanks guys. I bumped into him yesterday (we only live about 5 minutes away from one another) and he seemed upset, could hardly look at me and looked very sad. But he said he didn't feel able to see me just as friends anymore as it was giving me false hope. Do you think he is having second thoughts?

Sdjosh · Nov 3, 2008, 02:21 PM

This is going to be a hard time for you and you will get all kinds of good advice on this board but you have to look at what has happened and realize that all you can do is work on you.

Its common for everyone to have hope... to want to get back with that person they think is their world. But sometimes, 2 people just don't fit together. Simple as that. Not that either of you did something wrong. Its just how the world works.

So this is absolutely what you have to do to get better... to be happy. Work on you. Find new circles of friends to hang with. Do your hobbies. Try to find the things that make up you as an individual. This has a point. To realize that you had a life before him and you will continue to have one after. Its so time can heal you.

Here is the conclusion of my own story. It took me a year to figure out what I am trying to tell you. Maybe this will help you understand to concentrate on you and not on getting him back.

Originally Posted by ;

It's been a year since I first joined this site and I have come full circle.

When I first started posting, I was desperate just like most people on this forum, to work it out....to make things better...to fix what was broken. In time you learn that time is what is needed for things to get better. Time to reflect on what happened with a clear mind ....clear understanding. Time to understand if the path you were walking was the right one for you....if you were truly happy or just fooling yourself into thinking you were.

Even though it kills you to be apart from that person you love or want. You need that time...to remember who you are. To remember where you are going and how important it is to be just you sometimes. We can get caught up in that other person so much that you forget who you are. You loose a part of yourself...sometimes all of yourself.

There is a happy medium that you have to walk. Being a part of a "healthy relationship" with someone....but also having a health relationship with "yourself". My EX told me something that really stuck in my head....Be happy just being you....don't make someone else your whole world....its to big a burden for any one person to bare.

I have had a long year since last year. I've lost a lover of 7 years...and gained her back. Found out that she was gay....managed to keep her as a friend. Dated other girls....found some crazy ones....found some wrong types. Gotten a little lost.....depended on friends ....and found my way back. Discovered how to be happy just being me....and I found a bonus to my life...her name is Traci.

You never know exactly where life is going to take you...don't be afraid to take chances....little risks. You never know what you might miss out on. You will find that...in the end...it was worth the ride.

BMI · Nov 3, 2008, 02:27 PM

What's this false hope he's giving you?

He's not giving you anything but friendship, it is you that is giving yourself false hope. He broke up with you, remained friends (both your decision), keeping true to the friendship he started seeing someone else (friends do that), you get upset at him for doing that and it is him who is giving false hope??

Stay away from him, his family, the animals, all of it. He has a right to be upset because it was you who crossed the line of friendship by involving yourself and your thoughts in his personal life.

I don't want to sound too harsh but your only going to hurt yourself more and take longer to realize what is actally going on. Wanting him back will not make it so.

pickle_love · Nov 3, 2008, 02:31 PM

I know it was wrong to bring it up and with hindsight it was simply him rebounding, but the girl in question was one of my good friends, and part of my social circle. This is why many of my friends feel awkward and 'caught in the middle' which is understandable. I think I was more upset about who it was with rather than the fact he was seeing someone. But then, hindsight is a fabulous thing! :)

BMI · Nov 3, 2008, 02:35 PM

Regardless, I doubt you bringing it up is his sole reason for not taking you back.

The advice stands, stay away, any other course of action will cause you more hurt.

pickle_love · Nov 3, 2008, 02:37 PM

Bless, thank you. I know what you say is true, but I feel I'm on self-destruct at the moment and so am giving him space but cannot give up hope. I did ask him what if he changed his mind and I had moved on, and he said it would be something he would regret for the rest of his life. Surely that's a positive thing?

BMI · Nov 3, 2008, 02:45 PM

Looking for signs is a dangerous game your playing. I urge you to be very careful when playing with emotion.

Best of luck to you.

Sdjosh · Nov 3, 2008, 02:49 PM

You are missing the point. You are broken up for a reason. Have you figured that out? What happened? What went wrong?

And all you want to do is get back in the same relationship without fixing what was broken. What do you expect will happen if you do get back together and you didn't fix what was broken in the first place.

You are in for a wild emotional rollercoaster ride. Do yourself a favor. Just work on being a happy person without him. Of course I don't expect you to listen to this. It didn't sink into my head for a couple months. But maybe you can get a head start if you really honestly take a look at yourself and figure out what is BEST for YOU.

pickle_love · Nov 3, 2008, 02:53 PM

I have been really trying to improve myself these past few months, and have been attending counselling. I had depression before this happened anyway, and have been to see a therapist as I know our love life was not what it could have been due to an experience when I was younger. I finally feel I have nearly put it behind me, a few more sessions and I hope I will, and already feel so much happier in myself. There is only this hanging over me now

talaniman · Nov 4, 2008, 08:15 AM

Accept he is never coming back to a relationship, and keep working on yourself. That's all that counts is you give yourself a chance to heal, and regroup, by building a life that you enjoy, without him.

Once you break that attachment your use to, and stop feeding yourself false hope by continuing to be around his family and him, you'll start to heal.